Chain Reaction Of Mental Anguish

Tracy · Donald · Jack:The 'knock knock' bit — Tracy's son Donald enters without knocking, Tracy says 'It was opportunity knocking,' Jack points out no one actually knocked, then Donald literally knocks and re-enters so the metaphor is retroactively 'correct.'

Tracy:Tracy introduces Donald as 'my son who's two years older than me.'

Donald:'You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama.'

Jack:'NASCAR's Fat Load Café is a gold mine.'

Tracy · Jack:'Brown and Folderson' — Tracy's fake investor name revealed to actually be the name of his wallet.

Tracy:'What is Señor Mexico saying? Stop keeping me out of the loop!'

Paul:'Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm.'

Paul · Jenna:Paul and Jenna immediately declare 'And... finished.' right after Liz walks in on their 'mirroring.'

Jenna:'My new manager is making us wear name tags. I might as well be working at a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant under Taliban rule!'

Liz · Jenna:Liz assumes Jenna is excited about a marriage proposal; Jenna reveals she means Paul will propose they make a sex tape.

Jenna:'No, relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.'

Jenna:'We are not sharks. We are legless turtles rotting on the beach.'

Jack:'That's an excellent question. The answer is questions like that.'

Jack:Jack on therapy: 'No. I believe that, when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise.'

Jack:'But for lesser beings, like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.'

Jack:'Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.'

Donald · Jack:The restaurant is named 'Staples' — which is also a giant office-supply chain. Donald insists 'We'll see who's still in business 200 years from now.'

Jack · Donald:Jack surveys the restaurant and asks if the theme is 'Not Enough Tables.' Donald says no — there's a monster fight.

Donald:Donald explains the business model: 'I took Medieval Times and replaced the knights with unlicensed versions of Japanese monsters.'

Announcer:The Godzilla show announcer: 'Are we paying the price for our hubris of science?'

Announcer:'Witness the primeval might that is Godzila, with one L, for trademark reasons!'

Donald · Godzilla actor:'Donald, George punched my crotch!' / 'You liked it!'

Kenneth · Liz:Liz's assistant relays Carol's message: he has no cell service because he's on layover in Daytona Beach — but 'he's fine and having a great time with his flight crew, Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal. Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.'

Liz:Liz's backstory of trust issues: 'Everyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.'

Liz:Seven-year-old Liz asked for a CB radio for Christmas 'so I could track gas prices around the state for a cool chart I was making.'

Liz (as child):Young Liz confronts Santa: 'You're a bigger disappointment than our current president, Jimmy Carter!'

Mall Santa:The mall Santa breaks character and confesses: 'I am a fraud, little boy! My wife still thinks I work at the bank!'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking. But He gave us ten fingers. He must really want us to poke things! Poke, poke, poke!'

Paul · Jenna:Paul proposes Jenna meet his parents over Christmas. She reacts with horror.

Passerby:Passerby reacts to Paul and Jenna's romantic moment: 'Hey, get a room... whatever that is!'

Jack · Tracy:'What about Brown and Folderson?' 'That's what I call my wallet!'

Jack:Jack: 'Not everyone is cut out to be a businessman. For example, curly-haired men and people who need glasses.'

Tracy:Tracy says he 'bankrolled' his son's wing-flying experiment, adding: 'Thank God we tested it with a monkey first!'

Kenneth:Kenneth reports the softball sign-up results: '8 nos and 25 shove it up your goon-holes.'

Aunt Linda (voice):'Here's a fun game! Put on Harry's cologne and give me a back rub in the bath!'

Liz:Liz has a breakthrough: 'My trust issues and my food issues are connected! Uncle Harold is the reason eggs make me gag!'

Kenneth:Kenneth, alone after Liz leaves, whispers: 'Why did she have to say Harold?'

Jenna:'Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the man's job.' — Jenna, about proposing a sex tape.

Liz · Jack:Liz announces she's eating eggs again as a breakthrough. Jack: 'I know it means this conversation is disgusting.'

Donald:Donald's new idea: 'A microbrewery that also serves frozen yogurt. I'm gonna call it Microsoft.'

Liz:Liz begins describing a dream: 'Actually, is it recurring if you wake yourself up with a... and then return to it?'

Jack:Jack diagnoses Kenneth: 'Look at his head shape. He has no brain pan!'

Jack:Jack to Kenneth: 'Put your mental burden in my mind vise, and I will crush it.'

Jack:'Put your mental burden in my mind vise, and I will crush it.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack: 'Kenneth, who is Harold?' / Jack (internal): 'Please let Harold be human.' / Kenneth: 'Harold was a pig.'

Kenneth:Kenneth needed $300 for the 'river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket' to New York.

Kenneth:Kenneth on the pig-eating contest: 'I knew I could win that contest. Why, I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing.'

Kenneth:Kenneth recognizes the pig's eyes: 'I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.' Then: 'It was Harold, and I ate all of him... even the face, in case of a tie.'

Jack:Jack's attempt to console Kenneth: 'Or you gave his death meaning. His sacrifice made you what you are today, which is... the lowest-level employee at the last-place network in America.'

Paul:Paul enters and casually announces: 'The restaurant was crazy today. During Nude Hour, I got custard all over my penis.'

Paul:Paul: 'I'm saying adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child, is everything that I need.'

Paul:Jenna and Paul break up over the sex tape disagreement; Paul: 'I'll trust you to fairly divide up our panties.'

Donald · Tracy:Donald returns with Tracy's 'share of the profits' from the restaurant — a single item found in coat check.

Tracy:Tracy: 'Too late. Look how we're positioned.' — responding to the instruction to not turn his back on Donald.

Jack (as child):Jack's childhood science play flashback: young Jack forgets 'protein' and says 'protoin,' then says 'all living orgasms... I mean orgasms!' repeatedly.

Jack:Jack's inspiring speech ends with: '...thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State.'

Jack:Jack, inspired by his own speech, dramatically declares: 'I am a protein!' and delivers the full science monologue correctly.

Jack:The protein speech includes '...to heroes who turn in Communists.'

Donald:Donald's new business idea after being inspired: 'Daddy, can I have $50,000 to start a business where people can call in and get air-quality reports from all across the United States? I'm gonna call it... American Airlines!'

Liz:Liz, happy and eating her egg salad sandwich at the Staples restaurant: 'This is what happens when you work at being happy. Godzilla sits next to you while you're eating an egg-salad sandwich. What a world!'

Godzilla actor:The Godzilla actor — clearly not okay — breaks down to Liz: 'I moved here to make it on Broadway. Now look at me. I'm pathetic! I've got no real skills, a degree in Theater Tech, so you move back to Pennsylvania, live with your parents...'

Liz:Liz, snapping out of her Godzilla-induced sympathy spiral, shouts: 'Damn you, Gojira!'