Chain Reaction Of Mental Anguish

It was opportunity knocking. / No one knocked. You just barged in. / Knock, knock!

You remember Donald, my son who's two years older than me.

As I recall, you own the Tracy Jordan Institute for Black Karate.

You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. / I blame Obama.

NASCAR's Fat Load Café is a gold mine.

Señor Mexico, hola. Sí, sí. Yo soy Donald, sí. ¿ Ãndale, ándale? ¿ Arriba, arriba?

Jenna and I are mirroring until we achieve touchless orgasm. / And... finished.

I might as well be working at a roller-skating drag-queen restaurant under Taliban rule!

And I will say yes when Paul proposes... that we make a sex tape and leak it on the Internet. / Oh. I thought you meant marriage.

God, no! Marriage is like death. You settle into a routine, you lose all the spark.

No, relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something's wrong.

Because we are not sharks. We are legless turtles rotting on the beach.

That's an excellent question. The answer is questions like that.

I believe that, when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club.

Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise.

But for lesser beings, like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.

Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.

Why did you choose that name? / Because 'staples' means 'the basics.' / Staples is also a giant office-supply chain. / Well, we'll see who's still in business 200 years from now.

Donald, I'm going to pick a problem at random. Is the theme of your restaurant Not Enough Tables?

Well, I took that model and replaced the knights with unlicensed versions of Japanese monsters.

Witness the primeval might that is Godzila, with one 'L' for trademark reasons!

Donald, George punched my crotch! / You liked it!

Stewart, Brenda, Amber, Crystal. Also, in the background, I heard lady giggles and the sound of a beautiful sunset.

everyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.

When I was seven, I asked for a CB radio for Christmas so I could track gas prices around the state for a cool chart I was making.

You're a bigger disappointment than our current president, Jimmy Carter!

I am a fraud, little boy! My wife still thinks I work at the bank!

Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking.

But He gave us ten fingers. He must really want us to poke things! Poke, poke, poke!

What about Brown and Folderson? / That's what I call my wallet!

Come on. The boy's only 43 years old.

For example, curly-haired men and people who need glasses.

And I bankrolled that, too! Thank God we tested it with a monkey first!

So far, I have 8 'nos' and 25 'shove it up your goon-holes.'

Here's a fun game! Put on Harry's cologne and give me a back rub in the bath!

Oh, my God. My trust issues and my food issues are connected! Uncle Harold is the reason eggs make me gag!

Kenneth, you're the perfect therapist. I can dump all of my problems on you, walk away, and move on with my life! It's a win-win!

Why did she have to say 'Harold'?

He said they live in a 'soo-borb'? / Suburb. Come on, Jenna.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that's the man's job.

I know it means this conversation is disgusting.

Tracy, do not laugh at the word 'duty.'

For the love of God, stop calling him 'Daddy.'

I'm gonna call it Microsoft.

Look at his head shape. He has no brain pan!

And so am I! I'm Cheryl.

You dump your problems on some half-baked Barney Fife, and you can start a chain reaction of mental anguish.

Put your mental burden in my mind vise, and I will crush it.

Please let Harold be human. / Harold was a pig.

But I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket.

Why, I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing!

I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.

It was Harold, and I ate all of him... even the face, in case of a tie.

His sacrifice made you what you are today, which is... the lowest-level employee at the last-place network in America.

During Nude Hour, I got custard all over my penis.

I mean, come on, why can't we just paint each other's toenails, watch vintage pornography, and then go to bed in our swing like a normal couple?

Well, there's a sex resort in Japan where white people are treated like slaves.

I'm saying adopting a dog so it can watch us make love and then returning it, claiming that it bit our imaginary child, is everything that I need.

I'll trust you to fairly divide up our panties.

Look how small my head is. / Oh, my! It's so tiny!

Too late. Look how we're positioned.

Well, looky here. Doctor Jack, the boy who wants to be a scientist. Chowderhead can't even say the words. You'll never be nothin'!

I am a protoin! Protein! All living orgasms... I mean orgasms!

says they're beautiful even when they're ugly, thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State.

That's a nice long speech and all, but your daddy was right. You couldn't be a scientist. You couldn't even be protein in a school play.

I... am a protein! All living organisms need me to function! A basic building block of the human body, I am made from amino acids found in ribosomes.

Proteins give energy to everything from flowers and butterflies to heroes who turn in Communists.

Daddy, can I have $50,000 to start a business where people can call in and get air-quality reports from all across the United States? I'm gonna call it... American Airlines!

This is what happens when you work at being happy! Godzilla sits next to you while you're eating an egg-salad sandwich.

I've got no real skills, a degree in Theater Tech, so you move back to Pennsylvania, live with your parents. All of your old friends have kids and careers, and what do you have? Maybe your name on a TV show that no one will even remember.

Damn you, Gojira!