The Collection

Jack:Jack gestures grandly at New York City telling what appears to be a child or subordinate 'one day sir, this whole city will be yours'

Jack · Liz:Liz interrupts the moment and Jack immediately responds 'Oh hey, can I talk to you? You always ruin everything.'

Liz · Jack:'What animal best describes you?' / 'An eagle with the head of a bear.' / 'Thank you. Your respect means the world to me, Lemon.'

Jack · Liz:Jack reveals he hired a private investigator to investigate himself

Jack · Liz:Jack deflects Liz's therapy talk by using a fake phone call: '- ring ring! - Hello. I'm sorry, I have to take this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack turns Liz's therapy overshare back on her: 'Well, you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don't you?'

Liz · Angie:'Bling bling! That is ghetto fabulous.' / 'This belonged to Brooke Astor.'

Tracy:'I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.'

Angie · Liz:Angie asks Liz to help supervise Tracy, then: 'Will you be able to do that without falling in love with him?' / 'Does...' [Liz's reaction]

Angie:'Oh, you looking for a sassy black friend? Well, you got one now, girlfriend. Go on — rowr!'

Jenna:Jenna asks if any fan mail is from prisons

Jenna:Jenna sees fan mail and exclaims: 'Oh! God! Putting on this weight is the best thing that ever happened to me. People actually like me now.'

Announcer:The Enorme perfume ad voiceover: 'Enorme. Make him chase the chunk. Available exclusively at your local drug store. Do not use if menstrua—'

Liz:Liz: 'Can't plus-size women wear regular perfume?'

Jack · Jenna:Jack to Jenna: 'And on a personal level, I just like you more when you're fat.'

Angie · Liz · Tracy:The makeup artist puts makeup on Tracy and Angie reacts: 'Oh, hell no!' while Liz says 'Actually, he looks great. Thank you.'

Jack:Jack: 'I was at the 1976 Democratic National Convention — but it's okay, I was there beating up hippies.'

Jack:Jack's family skeletons: 'My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools. My cousin Tim fixes NBA games. My mother's an olympic-level racist. But as for the rest, they're too drunk to do much of anything.'

Lenny · Jack:PI: 'Any weird sex stuff I should know about?' / 'You know what? Don't tell me. I like to find that out on my own. I'm a watcher.'

Lenny:The PI's parting gift: 'If I sign a friend up at my gym, I get a free hat, so... think about it.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna shows Liz her belt notch progression to prove she's losing weight

Jenna:Jenna's list of what's at stake: including 'the offer to play Ms. Pac-Man in the live-action Atari movie'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna has a secret ritual with Jack where they 'slap their palms together when they walk by each other' — revealed to just be a high five

Tracy:Tracy: 'You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight.'

Tracy:'The only way I could feel better about myself is to get booby-slapped by a coked-out Russian stripper.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'It'll be just like back home on the pig farm. I'm gonna fatten you up, grow to love you, and then my uncles'll slit yr thro—'

Jack · Lenny:Jack defends his all-white country club: 'That is not an all-white club. What about Johnny Carlos? He's ethnic.' / 'He's the King of Spain, Jack. I don't think that counts.'

Jack:Jack on his undocumented worker: 'I could never pay an English-speaking person that little. They'd starve.'

Lenny · Jack:The PI's final question: 'You don't have a massive collection of cookie jars, do you?' — followed by a long pause and Jack: 'How did you find out about that?'

Jack:Jack attending a cookie jar collectors convention under the pseudonym 'Victor Nightingale' — 'Collector of the Year. Congratulations, Victor Nightingale.' / 'Thank you. Yes, I'm Victor Nightingale.'

Lenny:PI: 'CEOs don't have thousands of cookie jars. Weird little guys in bow ties do.'

Jack:Jack: 'You wish it was a gay thing. This is worse.'

Jack · Lenny:Lenny presents a fake photo of Giuliani with antique wooden dolls, then: 'That's a fake! Giuliani doesn't collect dolls.' / 'Yeah, you're right. He doesn't. Because he incinerated them! In 1989, the year he ran for mayor. He looks so happy.'

Lenny:'You can either be the head of the largest corporation in America, or get buried in a bow tie with a bunch of cookie jars.'

Liz · Angie:Liz covers for Tracy: 'He went to the vet. His cobra got sick.' / 'Okay.'

Tracy:Tracy returns and fabricates: 'My cobra, Ramses. He had got sick. So I took him to the vet. Then my thumb got caught in my butt, so I nodded my head until it came out.'

Angie · Liz:Angie to Liz: 'You smell like enorme and brass polish. You were at a strip club.' / 'I trusted you. You wear glasses.'

Tracy:Tracy immediately blames Liz: 'It was all Liz Lemon's fault! The whole plan was hers!'

Tracy:Tracy, now forced to act like an adult: 'Good-bye forever, Liz Lemon. Thank you for being my secretary!'

Angie:Angie rejects the bank-robber sketch: 'No. I don't want to perpetuate any black stereotypes.'

Liz · Angie:Sketch pitch: Tracy plays 'a gentleman who wears flamboyant clothes and lives uptown' — 'He's a pimp.' / 'He's an entrepreneur.' / Character name: 'Slick-Back Lamar.'

Angie:Angie rejects the Barack Obama sketch because: 'We support Kucinich.'

Angie · Liz:Liz tries to appeal to Angie and physically touches her: 'Excuse me. Did you just try to control my body with your white hand?'

Grizz · Dotcom:Grizz and Dotcom's sketch pitch: 'We open on a lone soldier walking through the desert. The year: 1861. The place: Mars.'

Kenneth:Kenneth feeding Jenna: 'This stuff will make you real fat, Ms. Moroney. It made my dad's heart just up and give out.' / 'And that's what made my mom's friend Ron move in.'

Jenna:Jenna eating: 'Coming in for a landing... there's turbulence. And now an Indian guy got up to use the bathroom and an air marshal shot him. No, no, I can't!'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Boy, I wish I had some pig sedative right now.'

Jack · Lenny:Jack, handing over his cookie jars: 'They'll be taken to Jersey City and incinerated.' / Jack immediately: 'Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I can't have that — give that to me.'

Lenny:Lenny: 'You're like John Kerry with his wind surfing. I warned him too.'

Pete:Pete to Liz on dealing with Angie: 'Oh, you want a scary black lady to be nice to you? Tell her you like her nails. Always works for me at the bank.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Uh, usually, but now you've got me thinking about it.' [after being asked if he can walk and talk at the same time]

Liz:Liz's theory: 'Women eat because they feel bad about themselves. Maybe that's the problem. Everything's going so well for Ms. Moroney right now.' — then adds: 'Yeah, so be mean to her.'

Mr. Mason · Kenneth:Kenneth approaches a random famous person and is immediately insulted: 'Who picked out your outfit? Stevie Wonder?'

Kenneth:Kenneth's planned mean thing to say: 'I could wait for her to drop something and then say, 'Smooth move, Ex-Lax.' That's what my mom's friend Ron would do.'

Jack · Liz:Jack's cookie jar that says 'Mom' on it — which he insists is 'an upside-down wow'

Jack:Jack's backstory: 'We never had any cookie jars in my home because my mother never baked us any cookies because she never felt we deserved any cookies.'

Jack:Jack: 'The guy with the weird hobby never gets the corner office.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.' / Liz: 'A businesswoman.' / Jack: 'I don't think that's a word.'

Jack:Jack explains his strategy for Angie: 'I think you're gonna have to fight her.' — then breaks down the tactical approach: 'I think Angie's right-handed, so you have to work her clockwise.'

Jack:'Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em. You have a gimpy left knee, right?'

Jack · Liz:Jack physically demonstrates fighting technique on a reluctant Liz: 'You want to lean in to take away their momentum. Hands up, come on!' / 'I don't want to.' / 'Lean in, come on.' / 'Oh, Jack, stop it!'

Jenna:Jenna reacts to the insults with 'Oh, daddy! Go on, keep talking. What else don't you like about me?'

Kenneth · Jenna:Kenneth's devastating insult list to Jenna — including: 'You lied about your brother drowning so people would come to your one-woman show.' / 'Your toes look like dried-up shrimps.'

Jenna:Jenna's response to Kenneth's insults: 'Oh, daddy! Go on, keep talking. What else don't you like about me?'

Liz · Angie:Liz offers Angie a 'consultant credit' — Angie: 'You think you're gonna buy me off so I'll play nice? It's never gonna happen.' / Then Liz ejects her, Angie says 'Are you stepping up on me?' / And Liz: 'So what if I am? Also, your nails look tacky.'

Tracy · Angie:Tracy intervenes and tells off Angie: 'You're controlling. You're manipulative. You're loud—' Angie: 'Tracy—' / 'I've never heard you talk like that before.' / Tracy: 'Wait, let me get the shirt off.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz interrupts Tracy and Angie's apparent reconciliation/intimacy: 'Okay, so just to be clear, does this mean Angie is leaving or—' / 'Oh, no! You guys start with that?'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'I wasn't able to get Ms. Moroney to eat. I'm so sorry. Well, it turns out she's the wrong kind of crazy. And I guess we have to get married now.'

Jack:Jack looks at the cookie jar: 'Ah, look at that kooky old cookie jar. I like the upside-down 'wow' on it.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's cookie jar backstory: 'They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork...' [describing mom and Ron] '...and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's cookie jar rating: 'So I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a 'B.''

Jack:Jack: 'Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.'

Jack · Kenneth:Jack gives his entire collection to Kenneth — then instructs him on proper handling: 'Always hold them squarely at the base, never by the lid.' And signs off as: 'Tell Patty and Beth and all of them that Vic Nightingale says hello.'

Jack:Final line: 'Are you happy now, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.' [Jack, presumably to the cookie jar or GE itself]