The C Word

Yo, is this about that little red-headed intern? 'Cause she asked me to take it out.

I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

Is that the gay guy from Project Runway?

The dude from my checks?

Okay false alarm. It turns out she asked him to take it out.

I'll see you in CT, Jackie D.

Was Courtney Love not available?

You might want to rephrase that.

I painted it myself.

She always sounds so terrified. She's always, like, The President has a plan for Iran, and we are currently adhering to that plan.

I stayed up all night watching a Designing Women marathon.

At first, I hated it. And then I liked it. And then I hated it again. And then I got horny, and then I fell asleep.

Ay, pero ay Dios mio!

I didn't like it two weeks ago when it was called America's Next Top Hobo, and I didn't like it a month ago, when it was called Hobo Eye for the Straight Guy.

Deal or No Hobo?

Hey, Lutz, why don't you approach your job with the same creativity and excitement you have for all-you-can-eat buffets?

We have a past. A romantic past.

Well, Grace, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Oh, Kenneth, if you're worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you're too late.

Doggone it, Grace, I just don't know myself around you.

Like-- That won't be necessary. I'll probably just do it anyway.

They're very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person.

I'm allergic to anything warm and adorable.

Runt! What? This kitten, he's such a runt! I'm gonna name you Runty. You're such a little raging little runt!

No, I don't want to get in it. I want to blow it up and run away from it in slow motion.

The one the rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

There is no male equivalent to this word.

Like...monkus. Fungdark.

Don't tell me to calm down you fungdark.

It doesn't work.

Lutz has been totally slacking off since his grandma died.

I thought you knew and you were just being a... You know, that word Lutz called you.

Hey, look everybody Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater.

Oh, my God, I am. I'm a total... Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt?

Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six hour foursome with three other men. And one of them will be Don Geiss and he's gonna get all of my attention. And you're just gonna sit back and watch.

You know the army's been messing with the sun. That's why I keep my junk covered. Once that stuff get in your hang, you're done.

This guys spends so much time in the sand that his nickname should be Falu-ser.

Hey, how come you don't hire more black people around here?

How come there's just me and Carlton over there?

I believe Tracy's referring to Carlton, the straight laced brother from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, 1990 through 1996. On NBC.

I'm supposed to just be a funny black man who says funny things.

Bartender, could you bring me a Mustang Melon and a bag of barbeque potato chips? 'Cause apparently I'm only here to be a stereotype.

Son, I wasn't joking about those chips.

No, it's two dozen cupcakes with melted mini-candy bars in the middle.

I'm a nice person you bald, gangly...

I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

I'm ridiculous. I'm black! I may even be ugly. But dear God... I'm here! I'm here! And nothing but them can keep me from it!

This isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler.

Before you answer, superballs!

God, it's like dating Katie Couric all over again.

Ted, who's best known for getting caught using a corporate credit card at a gay strip club.

I'm sorry, Amanda, you were bound to find that out eventually.

If I thought I left my coffeemaker on, I wouldn't be able to focus either. No, no, I get it. Everyone should see Mama Mia before it closes.

Oh, hey, could I borrow 60 bucks? I'm going to meet Frank and Lutz at Scores.

When my daughter Shahita was born, she had chubby arms and legs and a big bald head. She looked like my Uncle Rupert in a diaper.

We stayed up all night the night before watching bible movies and eating Fiddle Faddle.

She threw up right in the middle of the Jaguar dealership.

I don't have a daughter.

So to quote Mr. Jerry McGuire....you make me a complete person.

When you said hello, you had me.

Sir, you may be right. I may be not capable of understanding normal thinking because I think a woman is just as powerful as a man. And until you learn to respect me, you better learn to stay out of my way. 'Cause this is my house.

Staying up all night re-writing The Amazing Hobo. You fat nerd.

This is the men's room. Oh!

Next weekend Tracy and I are gonna double team Don Geiss with our big ideas.

Because I'm not just feminine, I also can project my power.

That's not cool.

What is aux?

Please don't make me move back to Alaska, Liz. I hate it there.

And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again. Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman!

It's nonny time.