Hard Ball

At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me. But then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard. Funny!

Actually, they use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen.

Ya burnt!

I'm laughin', I'm horny, let's do this!

Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root beer float?

Can't do that. Make it 4:00 AM. / That's no good. / 10:00. / Stop insulting me. / 3:00 AM. / Midnight. / You bring the coffee. / 2:30, you bring the coffee. / That's my final. / Done.

Right, I think you mean mano a toddler.

I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power.

That's not how you play marbles, Jack. / But that's how you keep them.

Yo, remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help gettin' all that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today.

Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi? / Nah. I don't even use the ones I have.

Fatballz? / Studying hotel administration at Cornell. / Well, go ahead, Fatballz! That's a good program.

I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

The sun'll come out Tomorrow... Fa la la la

Where's Jackée?

'Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.

but it's just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.

These Hollyweirdos from La La Land like Jenna Moron-ey are just un-American!

and their parent company the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation.

Should I prepare a song?

Does my vulva look swollen? Come here.

Could I get free Choco Sticks?

We've got some serious troubs, my friend. We are not smiles-times.

What your skedge mañana? 'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.

I love Halo so much, I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant!

I like to keep things fresh so much, that I wanna take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

You could say that you support the troops, but you feel that the war was poorly planned and started under false pretenses. And that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama Bin Laden.

Obama, what is he, Hispanic? / No, he's black. / And he's running for President? / Good luck.

All right, let's skip the foreplay and get right to the penetraish.

I mean, Yaznach is coming up.

One dollar.

These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.

My offer is now 75 cents.

Awse.

I knew you weren't ready for a big chair.

You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by the transitive property, you should beat me too!

What is the world's only egg-laying mammal? / The Easter bunny! / Right again!

You know, for someone who's super super hot, you're really cranky.

why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barrack Obama before he strikes again?

Ya burnt!

I have written an op ed piece for the New York Times under Jenna's name in which I put the media on trial.

He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding.

what happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?

Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European kissed last night was actually a gentleman...

Josh? You stupid turd.

You were opening for a puppet when I found you.

what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting? / I get an NBC discount here.

Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him. / You did what? / Damn it, K, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.

Television on! / Pornography!

I called my friend Saul Sheinhardt at our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt who called his son, John Stewart.

Ya burnt!

I have a really bad sex addiction.

Do the worm! / Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?

Okay, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning. When they're not spinning, they look exactly like... Swastikas.

I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.