Jack sees an opportunity for budget cuts when Josh's contract is up, forcing Liz to go out of her way to motivate Josh into staying with TGS and not moving on to a rival show. Meanwhile, Kenneth earns a coveted spot in Tracy's entourage and Jenna gets in trouble over a misquote in Maxim.
58 jokes in 23 minutes yields 2.53-per-minute absurdist barrage—Season 1's densest comedy engine.
Directed by Don Scardino · Written by Matt Hubbard
WAR
117.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Hard Ball” ranks #107 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 95.2 — Elite. The episode packs 78 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Jack Donaghy landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Kenneth Parcell: Then you should know that you're never gonna dunk this basketball. Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European kissed last night was actually a gentleman...
Jack Donaghy · Crew · Liz Lemon: And cue the pinwheels. / Okay, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning. / When they're not spinning, they look exactly like... / Swastikas.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: Why are you guys laughing so hard? / That's the same joke Mr. Jordan said earlier. / I don't think so, K. 'Cause I like to keep my material fresh. I like to keep things fresh so much, that I wanna take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Tracy Jordan: I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
Tracy Jordan Absurdist Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: What happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 78 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Liz Lemon: I am friends with number four on Maxim's list comedy.
Liz Lemon · Photographer/crew: At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me. But then I saw the Dukes of Hazzard. Funny! What is that, baby oil? Actually, they use salad dressing, 'cause it gets a better sheen.
Liz Lemon: it's teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the Y
Jack Donaghy: I'm laughin', I'm horny, let's do this!
Photographer: Put the chicken near your mouth.
Liz Lemon: Well, you look happy. Somebody just have a root beer float?
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jack Donaghy: Josh's contract is up, which means it's time for my favorite thing in the world, negotiation. The essence of capitalism. There's nothing like it.
Jack Donaghy · Pete Hornberger: The spontaneous negotiation with Pete over scheduling — 'Can't do that. Make it 4:00 AM.' / 'That's no good.' / 'What about after rehearsal? 10:00.' / 'Stop insulting me. 3:00 AM.' / 'Midnight.' / 'You bring the coffee.' / '2:30, you bring the coffee.' / 'That's my final.' / 'Done.'
Jack Donaghy: I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
Jack Donaghy: These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power.
Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: He's going to try to grab all the marbles, and it's our job to hide them. / That's not how you play marbles, Jack. / But that's how you keep them.
Tracy Jordan: Yo, remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help gettin' all that money out of Africa? We did it! I got the check today.
Tracy Jordan · Grizz/Dotcom: Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi? / Nah. I don't even use the ones I have.
Tracy Jordan · Grizz · Dotcom: Yo, what's young Larry doing these days? / He's in Jay-Z's entourage. / What about Cheese? / He's rolling with Ghostface Killer now. / Fatballz? / Studying hotel administration at Cornell. / Well, go ahead, Fatballz! That's a good program.
Tracy Jordan: I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
Tracy Jordan Absurdist Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan: Kenneth harmonizing 'Tomorrow' from Annie with Tracy, in full earnest, as an entourage audition
Jenna Maroney: These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where's Jackée?
Jenna Maroney: Did I come across as interesting? 'Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
Jenna Maroney: ...but it's just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.
Jenna Maroney: You know that I love the troops. Do you remember that fleet week after I broke up with David?
Right-wing pundit on TV: These Hollyweirdos from La La Land like Jenna Moron-ey are just un-American! So we are calling for a boycott of NBC, General Electric, and their parent company the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation.
Jack Donaghy · Jenna Maroney: You know what that is, don't you? Yes. Should I prepare a song?
Liz Lemon: Does my vulva look swollen?
Josh: Which advertisers? Could I get free Choco Sticks?
Josh Character Comedy Misdirection Alan Steiner (Josh's agent): Listen, I'd love to grab a little face time with you re: Josh's contract offer. We've got some serious troubs, my friend. We are not smiles-times. / What your skedge mañana? / 'Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.
Alan (Josh's Agent): Alan Steiner. Good to see ya. I'm Josh Gerard's agent. We've got some serious troubs, my friend. We are not smiles-times.
Jack Donaghy: My skedge is wide open, Alan. Hasta mañana.
Kenneth Parcell: I love Halo! I love Halo so much, I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant!
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: Why are you guys laughing so hard? / That's the same joke Mr. Jordan said earlier. / I don't think so, K. 'Cause I like to keep my material fresh. I like to keep things fresh so much, that I wanna take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: Whoa, who just killed me? That's never happened before. / I did, Mr. Jordan! / That's impossible! I've beat all the world's best players. Grizz, Dotcom, my publicist, my stylist...
Tracy Jordan · Grizz: You're cheating! And I don't wanna play no more! I hate this! Grizz! I think it's best you come sit on me.
Jenna Maroney: And I just want the troops to kill everyone and come on home.
Liz Lemon · Jenna Maroney: Would Sharon Stone worry about that? / Mm-mm. / Would Richard Gere? / No. / Then you go out there and you voice your opinions like a star.
Jenna Maroney · Liz Lemon: Well, of course I want Hillary to be the first woman president. / Ugh. No, Obama. You support Barack Obama. Remember, you liked those pictures of him at the beach? / Oh, right. Obama, what is he, Hispanic? / No, he's black. / And he's running for President? / Good luck.
Jack Donaghy: This is my negotiation set. [Jack has redecorated his office with a power negotiation setup: specific chairs, lighting, presumably a flag]
Alan Steiner: All right, let's skip the foreplay and get right to the penetraish.
Alan Steiner · Liz Lemon: And time off for every Jewish holiday no matter how ridiculous. I mean, Yaznach is coming up. / That seems pretty reasonable, right, Jack?
Jack Donaghy: Here's my counteroffer. [pause] One dollar.
Jack Donaghy Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Josh: You know what's absurd? These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld. / What, we were just being silly. / My offer is now 75 cents.
Jack Donaghy: Tic toc tic toc tic toc. It keeps getting lower.
Alan Steiner · Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: We know about the testing. Women from 12 to 24... love my guy. / Who told you that? / Oh, Liz did. / Shut up. / What? / That was privileged information.
Jack Donaghy: I knew you weren't ready for a big chair.
Kenneth Parcell: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
Tracy Jordan: If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by the transitive property, you should beat me too! Have you been letting me win?
Tracy Jordan · Dotcom · Grizz: What is the world's only egg-laying mammal? / The Easter bunny! / Right again! That's a green pie piece.
Tucker Carlson · Chris Matthews (implied): Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say. She supports the troops. / Well, here's a question, Chris. Why do we care what she thinks about anything? This woman strikes me as another empty-headed self-involved member of the Hollywood ignorati.
Jenna Maroney: You know, for someone who's super super hot, you're really cranky.
Tucker Carlson: I'm not sure you do. You've been on the show for 20 minutes now. You sang six bars of something called Muffin Top.
Tucker Carlson: Let's have our policies determined by former Cable Ace Award nominees.
Jenna Maroney: First, I was great in that Arliss. Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war of terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.
Jenna Maroney Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jenna Maroney: It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.
Jenna Maroney Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jenna Maroney: Oh, no comeback? Ya burnt!
Jack Donaghy: I have written an op ed piece for the New York Times under Jenna's name in which I put the media on trial.
Jack Donaghy: Boo! Here's the plan. We're gonna take Jenna, put some flags behind her, have her sing a song that rhymes USA with 'Make them pay,' dress her in an eagle costume, and we're gonna call it a salute to the troops episode.
Liz Lemon: He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother's wedding.
Liz Lemon Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy: What happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?
Jack Donaghy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Jack Donaghy · Liz Lemon: Do you ever get any emails other than from match.com? / No no, don't look at that.
Tracy Jordan: Feel like I'm above the rim. Can't palm the ball.
Kenneth Parcell: Then you should know that you're never gonna dunk this basketball. Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you European kissed last night was actually a gentleman...
Protester Organizer · Kenneth Parcell: Well, are you interested in taking back your country? / Am I! / Then join here tomorrow night for a protest against the freedom-hating Jenna Maroney and TGS! There will be snacks! / I will definitely be there.
Liz Lemon · Daily Show Producer · Josh: Large chicken soup to go, please. / John and I saw your tape. Very very impressed. You seem like a perfect match for The Daily Show.
Liz Lemon: You were opening for a puppet when I found you.
Liz Lemon · Josh: And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting? / I get an NBC discount here. / Idiot!
Kenneth Parcell · Tracy Jordan: Mr. Jordan, Keith called on your cell. He said they were 'at the thing, and Lil' Zay just end up running.' / What did you tell him? / Well, he wanted Dwayne Jr.'s number, so I gave it to him. / You did what? / Damn it, K, now I have to hear from Tanisha's mom on how they both mad at the twins.
Tracy Jordan · Kenneth Parcell: Television on! / Pornography!
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: Then they're gonna be on their way down. / Um, you know, that was weak. But you're in the mix, you're having fun. I like that.
Jack Donaghy: I called my friend Saul Sheinhardt at our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs, who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt, who called his son, John Stewart.
Jack Donaghy Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Jack Donaghy · Alan Steiner: And only one Jewish holiday. What's the one where they go into the tent? / Sukkot. / That's the one. We have a deal?
Josh · Alan Steiner: Deal, thank you. I need this money. I have a really bad sex addiction. / Sorry.
Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy: That's it? I thought you said we could crush him. / What are you talking about? I took away everything. That's crushing. / No, do more stuff! You made me look like an idiot. You have to pay. Liz, he's not getting a raise. / Do the worm!
Jack Donaghy: Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?
Liz Lemon · Josh: Now say five reasons I'm better than you! / Smarter than me. One! / You can beat me in arm wrestling. Two! / You read the paper. / Yeah, suck it, I do read the paper.
Liz Lemon · Josh · Jack Donaghy: Be a crab! / Crab. / Fight the worm! / Wow! / Liz, you took to this like a natural. More than I ever... / Okay, now, the crab is getting aroused. / Shut it down.
Jack Donaghy · Crew · Liz Lemon: And cue the pinwheels. / Okay, the pinwheels are lit, but they're not spinning. / When they're not spinning, they look exactly like... / Swastikas.
Protestors · Kenneth Parcell: TGS, Totally Godless Suckers. / Or Satanists. / Ooh, that's even better.
Tracy Jordan: Entourage... / Oh! You gotta get me out of here! Make a path, please! Help!
Tracy Jordan Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Escalation Callback Tracy Jordan: Of course I did! I love you guys. I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.
Tracy Jordan Callback Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy Jordan: I love you so much, I'm gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.
Tracy Jordan Callback Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback 