Queen Of Jordan Ii: Mystery Of The Phant

Randi · D'Fwan:Previously on Queen of Jordan: 'All my children were taken away.' / 'He controls me!'

Jack:Jack answers the phone 'Hello, Angie... I mean, hello, whoever it is going to be.'

Jack · Angie:Jack calls Angie's fashion line 'Cheek' and she corrects him: 'It's pronounced chic. It's French.'

Angie:Angie declares herself an 'octuple threat' — Reality star, actress, singer/songreader, perfumist, IBS survivor, best-selling author of a book I didn't write, catchphrase coiner.

Angie:'I'll take that with cheese.' Well, they don't all work.

Angie:Cheek is 'stretchable formal wear for elegant plus-sized women and huskier gays.'

Angie:'I find that my target customer sweats a lot and often gets thrown into a public pool.'

Jack · Sam Lockwood:The prisoner swap includes 'a crate of Hollister sweatshirts and a signed headshot of Don Johnson.'

Jack:'They just got Nash Bridges.'

Jack:Jack corrects himself from 'gays' to 'guys' at Bravo: 'your guys at Bravo... excuse me, gays at Bravo'

D'Fwan:'It's my way till payday.'

D'Fwan:'Not to be racist, but white guys are typically punctual. I'm sorry I got so real, but nothing's gonna change unless there's a dialogue.'

Angie:'I've never been so disrespected in my life. And I've gone to and worked at the post office.'

Angie · D'Fwan:'That man is about to get some cheese with that.' / D'Fwan: 'That catchphrase is improving, baby!'

Unknown cast member:'I have a girlfriend. Her name is Raven-Symone senior.'

Liz:Liz's talking head: 'I'm really close to the whole Q of J cast. So I know they're gonna pull me into all of their drama and I'm gonna be on the show a lot. I will be on the show a lot.'

Liz:Liz saying 'Boob monster!' as an apparent non-sequitur reaction to the chaos

Angie:'I know they're not married. I just like them to know I don't give a [bleep] about their lives.'

Angie:'I don't know, Liz. It's a surprise. Do you know what a surprise is? Now you do.'

Unknown cast member (to baby/young person):'Shh! Don't learn to talk. A woman's power comes from her silence.'

Liz:'I thought it was very brave of you to pose for Playboy against Playboy's wishes.'

Randi:'I've been with the same woman for 22 years. No judgments, but to me, Liz Lemon is a sex maniac.'

Unknown cast member:'Contractually, I can only hold beautiful black babies in Benetton ads.'

Unknown cast member:'I don't know if I should. 'Cause I might bite these fat little legs. I might eat them up, they're so fat and juicy.'

Jack:Clinton and Steve Bing's 'sex plane' — 'It is a sex plane. There aren't even any seats. It's just futons and jacuzzis.'

Diana:Diana complains about reality shows: 'like Ken Burns's Jazz? Disgusting.'

Jack · D'Fwan:'D'Fwan's boutique wine, D'Fwine.' / 'D'Fwine. Please d'fwink responsibly.'

Jenna:Jenna claims to have 'played Avery in the TV movie, Kidnapped by Danger'

Jenna:'Now you sound like the cops outside of Jackie O's funeral. But I got in there and sang almost all of Hey Big Spender.'

Jenna:'Thank you for looking up on Wikipedia that I was conceived on a toilet.'

Jenna:Jenna's talking head: 'No one wants me in their story.'

Jenna:'If a beautiful woman cries and no one hears it, did she waste $700 on crying lessons at Adrian Brody's unaccredited acting school?'

Diana · Jack:Diana tells Jack they shouldn't tell Avery 'about us' — and Jack's stunned reaction beat to the cameras.

Jack:Jack's elaborate talking head explanation of 'Gus' — 'Gus is someone I've gone into business with and Avery wouldn't approve. Why would she disapprove? Because they dated... at Yale. Gus was a professor.'

Tracy:Tracy says he can't go to the fashion show at 8pm because 'that's 9am Tokyo time. That's when Takashi's parents leave for work and we play Mass Effect 3 online.'

Tracy:'Mr. and Mrs. Tanaka think he's at school, but he's playing video games with a drunk adult.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Oh my god. Ned Stark is dead?'

Tracy:Tracy's talking head: 'I love my wife. I want her to be happy. But more than that, I'm gonna do nothing. It's hard trying to have it all.'

Unknown cast member:The baby biting someone — 'She bit my [bleep]' / 'My glasses. It's work. It's work. But she is at such a fun age.'

Jack · Gus:Jack introduces Gus to the cameras: 'Why are you wearing the hat I asked you not to wear anymore to our meetings?' / Gus: 'We're higher up here, so the sun's electricity is stronger.'

Jack:Jack's meeting summary: 'Let's go over the numbers, Gus. The numbers look pretty good. We're under budget and in line with projections. Great, well, meeting over. You probably shouldn't have even filmed that, it was so boring.'

Diana:Diana's 'Gus/Rus' correction: 'I didn't say Gus. I said Rus. In Slavic myth, Rus is the founder of Russia.'

Diana:Diana explains: 'Why can't Avery know about the mythological founder of Russia? Because Jack has invested a lot of money in a restaurant I'm opening called Rus. It is Russian cuisine. Who doesn't love cold, purple soup?'

Diana · Jack:The Gus/Rus/business-partner/chef/Yale-professor tangle: 'He is the chef.' / 'As I mentioned, he's a professor at Yale.' / 'Which is funny because he looks so much more like a chef.' / 'What's funniest is that he's both.'

Diana:'And the grand opening is tonight.'

Angie:Angie's confessional: 'I read World War II history, mother[bleep].'

D'Fwan · Liz:D'Fwan addresses Liz as 'Eliza Beth' and refers to what happened 'betwixt' her and Virginia

D'Fwan:'You never talk about a black woman's leg size. Not on babies, not on the Williams sisters, not on a mannequin at Avenue.'

D'Fwan:D'Fwan: 'Did I get involved when Portia took the over-the-counter colon health test in the bathroom at Randi's domestic violence costume ball? I did, but I didn't want to.'

D'Fwan:'Lisa, D'Fwan doesn't talk about people behind their backs, so I'm just gonna tell you straight to your face that what you're saying right now is very boring.'

D'Fwan · Liz:D'Fwan: 'That baby is a piece of work. You know she should be able to stack blocks in a tower by now, but she won't do it.' / Liz: 'I thought you didn't talk about people behind their backs.'

Liz · Virginia:Liz approaches Virginia's stroller: 'Hi.' / Baby reacts. / Liz: 'Go away.'

D'Fwan:D'Fwan trips on a cord during setup, confronts it: 'Hey, watch it. I'm sorry, sir. I shouldn't have lost my temper.'

Unknown restaurant prep character:'God, these flower arrangements. You people are savages!' / [then] 'Just excited. Wait, you're putting spoons in those. It's just knives and forks.'

Jack:'I've gotta pick up Yakov Smirnov at the airport.'

Gus:Gus: 'Hey, everyone knows you're not talking about the restaurant. You're talking about electricity.'

Jenna:Jenna approaches Virginia's stroller: 'Virginia. It's aunt Jenna. Look. I heard what Liz said about you, and I just have to say that I have known Liz a long, long, long time and she's totally shady.'

Jenna:Virginia (baby) apparently laughs at Jenna's gossip: 'Oh my god! You are hilarious. Do you act? Because we should do a movie together where we're on a road trip just being sluts. High five.'

Liz:Liz talking head: 'I've never spent much time with babies, okay? And... what if I'm bad at it?'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Isn't this usually a bathroom?' / Liz: 'No, tray, it's usually Lutz's office.' / Tracy: 'I see. I think I just solved the mystery of the phantom pooper.'

Tracy:'You look like Angie when I tell her I wanna retire and live in an old lighthouse.'

Tracy:'I wouldn't know. I really don't watch TV. I'm more of a masturbator.'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'There is no such thing as reality on reality television.' Tracy: '[long pause] No. Yes.'

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth greets Liz and Jack at Rus: 'That's a sharp look, Kenneth.' / 'Thank you, sir, but I can't take all the credit. Everything I know about fashion, I learned from my old college roommate, John Mark Karr.'

Jenna:Jenna at the fashion show: 'You've got a lot of nerve coming here. You know this is Virginia's night. You have no class, you prostitution whore.'

Jenna:'They want me. Which means I'm too good for this crap. Like when I sang at that children's hospital. Get away from me, I'm revoking my waiver. Now blur my face. Blur it more. More. Now disguise my voice. Thank you, gays.'

Unknown cast member · Liz:Fashion show crisis: 'Disaster. Deandra didn't-know-I-was-pregnanted.' / 'Ah, size 12, that's what I am.'

Unknown cast member:'What's cocaine like?'

Portia:Portia's confessional: 'Portia reads the papers. I hate that that's my catchphrase.'

Diana · Jack · Liz:Diana to Liz: 'That was nothing. I mean, Jack's like that with everybody. He's a kisser. Right, Jack?' / Jack: 'Uh, of course. Uh, it's European. If you don't kiss someone, they're offended.'

Jack · D'Fwan:Jack's dismissal: 'Very good, nice seeing you, Lemon.' / D'Fwan: 'Jack, D'Fwan hasn't said hi yet.'

D'Fwan · Liz:D'Fwan reports Virginia's assessment: 'Virginia said she knows what you just did for Jack. She misjudged you, and she would like a hug.'

D'Fwan or cast member:Resolution of Virginia feud: 'The feud's over. It's all good. Now I'm just looking forward to this trip. Because Virginia loves her little giraffe so much, the show is sending us on a girls' getaway to Somalia!'

Angie:Angie confronts Tracy: 'I spent the last 20 years supporting you. I had three of your children. I gave you a kidney, a kneecap and a bladder.'

Angie:Angie: 'All I wanted was a standing ovation and for people to tweet that I was the new icon for black womanhood and then for me to tweet back why just black womanhood?'

Angie · Tracy · Daphne:'Instead, I got nothing. I might as well be Daphne.' / 'Who?' / 'I'm Daphne. I handle conflict appropriately and I'm up to date on my mortgage payments.'

Tracy:Tracy's confessional: 'Oh, no. I turned what was supposed to be a boring romantic evening into a gigantic fight in front of all these cameras.'

Unknown producer/camera person:Camera/producer response: 'Yes. How inconsiderate of you to cause all this drama and start this riveting fight.'

Tracy · Angie:Angie and Tracy's fight escalation: 'Our celebrity marriage is on a breakup collapse. We're a train wreck you cannot look away from!'

Tracy:'Lizard egg!' (Tracy yells this as an insult during the fight)

Angie:'I want a divorce or whatever.'

Tracy · Angie:'It will be contentious and last all through next season.' / Both: 'I'm cheating on you!'

D'Fwan:D'Fwan's 'Rude.' reaction to the mutual cheating announcement

Unknown:'Rude.' [final scene button]

D'Fwan:Post-credits 'next week' preview: D'Fwan shows up at someone's workplace: 'Hey. I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd pop up and say hello.' / 'For god's sake, D'Fwan, I'm working.' / 'Fine. Come here.'

D'Fwan:Preview gag: D'Fwan trips on another cord: 'You again? I am so sorry. Different cord.'

Unknown cast member:Preview: 'You were two hours late, you stole all my hangers and, yeah, I'm drunk. I'm on vacation.'