The Note

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. 'This guy's the best.' They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors?

Is somewhere someone saying to their friend: 'You should see my doctor. He's the worst. Oh, yeah. He's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him.'

He's just a-- He's a butcher. The man's a butcher.

Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor. What is he--? 'Oh, you know Bob. Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs.'

I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.

Well, that's how my 5-year-old eats. He's a very picky eater.

And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.

I'm talking about the ones that forge them.

Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.

I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it.

And then for some reason... I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.

I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

But Raymond is a man.

That's right.

I can't get a massage from a man.

What? You're a woman. They're supposed to be touching you.

If it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you.

What if it felt good?

I don't want it to feel good.

Then why get the massage? Exactly.

I said, what do you do? I don't know. You don't know what you do? No.

But you wrote that it was tender. I wrote. I wrote.

Korea. You hurt it in Korea? What? The hamstring. Korea. How? Hamstring. How did you hurt the hamstring? Hotel.

A man gave me... Yes. A man gave you... A man gave me... a massage.

He was... touching and rubbing. That's a massage.

He got about... two inches from... there.

I think it moved.

Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know... shift to the other side. No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.

That's the sign, the test. If a-- If a man makes it move.

Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched? That's what a gym teacher once told me.

If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant. He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.

I don't like to sit next to men on airplanes because our knees might touch.

I don't even like to use urinals. Always been a stall man.

The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe. He's in Dinky Doughnuts.

A stall man, huh?

He's a good fighter... and a nice guy, but I don't like him. How come you don't like him? Why should I?

Joe DiMaggio dunks his doughnuts? That's right. See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Like I'm sitting there, and I-- (banging sounds implied)

He wouldn't move. So then I started doing these yelping noises

He dunks like he hits.

For some reason, I went like this: (effeminate gesture implied) And they called me a Mary.

Yeah, you know kids. They can be very perceptive.

I didn't know you'd get me a note. Of course I'd get you a note. You didn't say anything. Neither did you.

He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.

I've never been happy. I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now. In college, maybe.

Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door. Call the police. The police.

Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies.

They talk back. They go, 'Hey, George, how's it going?' I said, 'Get the hell out of here.'

You see? Now, that is a handsome man. Oh, please.

I think it's because men know that deep down... we have weak sales resistance.

We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store. See how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'