The Stranded

So I was in the drugstore trying to get a cold medication. You ever try this? It's an entire wall of medications.

This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good? Now or later? It's a tough question.

No face, mouth open. This is how drug companies see the public.

Red, wavy lines are going through him... or he's glowing. Parts of him are on fire sometimes. Lightning is attacking him.

I never had a doctor say, 'Are you having pain? Are you having any lightning with the pain?'

How did you get fleas? My cousin's imbecile dog was outside and they got in his carpet.

Maybe you could get yourself a little bow tie flea collar.

I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out. It smacks of desperation. Everyone's gonna be saying: 'You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?'

Well, what does that mean? Good dip?

There's girls everywhere! I go out and there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways. So what?

You got propylparaben? Got it. You got isobutane 30? I got isobutane 20. You got sorbitan sesquioleate? Got it. I have aloe. You got aloe? I love aloe.

Girls. There's girls right here in the store. Look. Look. There's one over there. Look. There's another one.

Let's just examine the situation for a second. Who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there... or you?

You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my $10. I will get it back. All right. Don't worry. And it's not over. I'm going now. Goodbye. I will be back.

What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

Yeah, this has got 'disaster' written all over it.

How about this: Chicken wing.

No, no, no. I got a better one: Head-patting.

You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?

Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material? I hear a voice. What kind of voice? A man's voice. But he speaks in German, so I have to get it translated.

How come you keep tapping your head? It's a nervous tick. I'm on L-dopa.

The man devoted his whole life to the peanut. Imagine having so much passion for something.

I've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. Now, is that considered a nut? I know the cashew is a legume.

Maybe a safe fell on her head.

I try to make them think I don't like them. Then they think, 'Oh, this guy's not even looking. He must have something going for him.'

What have you been doing? I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

She told me she wants me to make love to her. What? She said that? Yeah. Get out of here. I swear.

I long for you.

I don't like when a woman says 'Make love to me.' It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

Make love to me.' What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?

That's why I never play anything for money. I choke. I could choke tonight.

Pendant? Those bastards.

What a world. So we can go now. No, he's taking the car.

All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman... it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code.

Most of the time, they screw up a space shuttle mission, it's because... one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket: 'So when I get back, what do you say we get together for some Tang?'

You don't care that innocent, defenceless animals... are tortured so you look good? Are you a vegetarian? Yeah. I eat fish occasionally. So you're a hypocrite.

Fish don't feel any pain. How do you know? Do you communicate with fish? Well, they're not kept in little cages. Ever seen a goldfish?

Swim around a bowl for two weeks... and get flushed down the toilet. That's a good life.

You're beautiful. Call Kramer.

What's in it for me? A bigger bill. Go for it.

Kram, Sein.

620 million people died. Thousand. Thousand! 620,000. The horror. The horror!

You know, a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them.

Have you noticed? People don't use straws as much as they used to.

I had the directions on the seat right next to me. They flew out the window.

I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway... and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. So I drove around... knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers. 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837... Finally, I hit it. 8173.

I couldn't get the top on the convertible up. But it's cold out. Wait till we get on the Expressway.

George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, 40 degree temperature for 50 minutes. Do the math.

Mr. Pocatillo! Who? You don't recognize my voice?

See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.

I figured I'd give you a break... see what it's like to hang out with someone in show business.

Don't be so enthusiastic. I'm not gonna steal anything. No, of course not.

Yeah. Let's have lunch.

Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? I never had a job.

Every day is a date. That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?

Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards I sit in my office and analyse how it went.

If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom the rest of the day.

Jerry, he doesn't have anything. But I might have something.

You're stealing this, aren't you? I'm not stealing. They owe me $10. They stole from me. You're a lunatic. I have to. It's a matter of honour.

Don't think I remember you? I know who you are! I was watching you.

Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?

So I'm chasing these doves down the street... and she's screaming at the top of her lungs... and then when the magician comes back from Europe... two of them turn brown! They turned brown! Brown! Brown!

Maybe we should call one of those escort services. Yeah. I saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. 555-LOVE.

A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I don't know, but I gotta do this more often.

Fifty dollars...

You're under arrest for solicitation. Oh, wait a second. I... I have chicken soup.

Is that real fur? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Small favour, small pause: 'Do me a favour? Hand me that pencil.' No pause at all. Big favours are: 'Could you do me a favour?'