The Virgin

Get out of Relationship Free cards... unless the person has an 'Eight More Months of Guilt, Torture and Pain' card

I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now... About six years ago

Women like skiers. So what? You can't meet anybody. You're with Susan.

Closet business? What's the closet business? What is it your business?

What do I need more closet space for?

George. Jerry, Marla. Stacy. Stacy. George, Stacy. Jerry. Stacy. George. George. Jerry, Marla. Stacy.

I was watching it on CNN and they covered it so well, I thought, why knock my brains out?

I don't know. He never came back.

Some people write symphonies. This is my gift.

Is there any Tampax in your house? Yeah. You got a girlfriend.

Once you can get girlfriends, you just want more girlfriends.

You're gonna make a very good father someday.

He works at NBC. I work at NBC... They fall madly in love and she dumps me for David Letterman.

I don't think you are.

We'll put everything on hooks... You're quite mad, you know.

It was destroying my brain cells... but now you're in here all the time

There's weather. I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.

Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall.

Well, because I'm a... virgin.

Now it cost me $35 to see Havana.

And my diaphragm goes flying out... So I just froze... it's just lying there

You never know when you're gonna need it.

Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

I don't wanna be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.

It's a big, flat noodle. Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.

Who says I want a noodle?

They all turn into farmers suddenly.

So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.

Sentenced to be a butler.

All you saved was the pea pods?

You jaywalk. I can slap a suit on you.

One bad impression, you're out of the business!

She was laughing and then they shot her! They shoot you for laughing!

Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.

And you bump into somebody you know.

Those collars are funny. You see somebody in one of those, you start laughing immediately.

Next time I should probably break the Prozacs in half.

Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.

You are a stupid, stupid man.

Finally, my stupidity pays off!

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

She comes from a broken home. A tree fell on the roof and cracked the structure.

Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her cabin burned down, learned her father's a homosexual and got fired. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

How can you write that crap?

There's a first date you'll never forget... 'Not well, Chuck. Not well.'