Joel Horneck

Joel:Joel Horneck's non-sequitur opener: 'So my shrink wants my mother in for a session. This guy is brilliant — Lenny Bruce used to go to him, and, I think, uh, Geraldo.'

Joel:Joel to waitress: 'Do you think I need a haircut?' mid-order.

Joel:Joel interrogating the waitress: 'This turkey sandwich — is that real turkey or turkey roll? I don't want processed turkey... There's a bird in back? ...How do you know for sure? You go in the back and find out.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry attempts to break up with Joel: 'I don't think we should see each other anymore. This friendship, it's not working. We're just not suited to be friends.'

Joel · Jerry:Joel: 'You're my best friend.' Jerry: 'Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry immediately capitulates: 'I didn't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. Still friends.' Then: 'I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. Come on.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry hands Joel the Knick tickets; Joel asks 'Tonight?' Jerry: 'Next Wednesday.' Joel: repeats 'Tonight?' Jerry: 'If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry's excuse to Joel: 'I can't make it to the game. I have to tutor my nephew. He's got an exam tomorrow. Geometry. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel reveals he thought Jerry was tutoring his nephew, Elaine calls him on it: 'I thought you were tutoring your nephew.' / Jerry: 'Oh, we finished early.'

Jerry · Elaine · Joel:Joel corners Jerry and Elaine: 'Next week, I'm going to take you. How about next Tuesday? You, too.' Jerry and Elaine improvise: 'Choir practice.' / 'Right, I forgot about choir.' / 'We're doing an evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.'

Jerry · Joel:Joel proposes Thursday instead. Jerry: 'We've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as organ donors.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel: 'You know, I should try something like that.' Jerry/Elaine: 'You really should.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel produces a printed Knicks schedule and begins reading through ALL 41 home games, trapping Jerry and Elaine.

Elaine · Joel:What a cool name, Deion. If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deion. / Deion Benes? / Well, as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, well, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name, for no real reason whatsoever. / Deion Rifkin. / Wow! That is so cool.

Joel · Elaine:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Giants Stadium. / Oh, you have photos in your wallet? Yeah. / Why, is that weird? / No. It's normal. / You're very normal. / You're totally normal.

Elaine · Joel:Who's this? / That's my mother. / Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance. / No, there's no resemblance. / Yeah, there is, right here, you see-- / Elaine, I was adopted.

Elaine · Joel:Okay, and if somebody objects, you can just veto it. / Okay. / You start. What's your first choice? / Stuart. / No. / Second choice. / S-Stuart's no good? / I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

Joel · Elaine:Todd. / Todd. / No. Veto.

Joel · Elaine:Ned? / What is wrong with Ned? / No. / Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.

Joel · Elaine:Ellis. / Ellis? You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing. / Ellis and Alex aren't even close. / Next!

Joel · Elaine:Remy. / Remy Rifkin? / Mm-hm. / Should I get a beret?