Congressman Walter Griswald

Take this cab to Cuba.

Did you hear that? I said Cuba, like... like a hijack.

Don't you love life, driver? / No, we're just good friends.

Did I say something to offend you tonight? / Everything after hello.

What did you think that I meant when I said two hours ago, 'Please, for the love of God, take me home'? / I thought you were coming on to me.

I guess this means you don't want to sleep with me.

You have women in your cab all day long. I never meet anybody. / What do you do? / I'm a United States Congressman.

Dad's a major contributor to the party, so, to thank him, they, uh, they ran me for Congress.

The week before the election my opponent was convicted of murder. / But you did win. / We had to have a runoff.

There's talk of a recall.

Hey, I'm in your district. I voted for you. / Oh, yeah? Why? / The other guy was up for murder.

Said something about having to get up early and change her phone number.

You know how embarrassing it is to go to the presidential inaugural ball stag? I only hope people think I'm gay.

Damn it, Louie, you little twerp / She's much nicer than what I'm used to.

I guess you can say 'thank you' too often.

I perspire freely. I'm talking buckets. That's why I'll never be reelected. Who's going to vote for a man who always looks like he just stepped out of a sauna?

I shake hands with people, and they wipe their hands off. They pretend to do something else so they won't hurt my feelings. They, uh... they cross their arms. They adjust their ties. They wave hello at friends.

Could we talk about something else? I'm talking about sweat again. Why do I always talk sweat on dates? It's because I'm always sweating on dates.

He hates me. / Who? / The waiter. I know when a man despises me and that man despises me. He's going to spit in my food.

What, they run out of towels in the men's room? / No, that's, uh, that's sweat.

I never want to see me again.

Oh, yeah? You want to go out Saturday night? / Oh, no, Saturday, I made these... / See? See? What about Sunday? / No, I take the kids... / Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What about Monday? / Monday's a bad day. / Mm-hmm. Tuesday?

What's wrong with you?

Maybe just a little... applause.

I've never sweat so much in my entire life.

I had a little time to think before you woke up this morning... seven, eight hours...

Walter, you want to fly your parents to New York because of what we did last night? / It's a shuttle.

How about every Thursday night for the next three months? Is 8:00 okay?

It was, I guess, an ordinary evening for most people.

there are some things a gentleman does not discuss.