Elaine And The Lame Duck

Passenger:Cuba.

Walter:Cuba? That'll be quite a fare.

Passenger:I don't care about the fare. Just get me to Cuba.

Walter:This is a cab, not a plane. You want Cuba, you're gonna have to hijack this thing.

Walter:You see, it's funny because... Cuba is an island, and islands are surrounded by water, and when you think about it, water is wet, and wet things are... well, they're wet. So the joke is that if you go to Cuba, you might get wet. From the water. Which is why it's funny.

Walter:No, wait, let me start over. The thing about Cuba is...

Passenger:Do you love life?

Alex:Love? No, life and I are just friends.

Alex:So you want to come back to my place?

Jill:Oh thank God, yes! Please get me out of here!

Alex:You don't want to go down there. It's a very dangerous neighborhood.

Jill:That's okay. I'm on a date with a guy I can't stand. I'd be happy if he got mugged.

Jill:What did I do wrong?

Walter:Everything you said all night was offensive.

Jill:He ordered for both of us in French. I ended up with just butter.

Jill:Apparently he asked the waiter for 'butter' instead of whatever the actual dish was supposed to be.

Jill:I was drowning! I was waving my arms and screaming for help!

Walter:I know. You looked so helpless... so vulnerable. I thought you were trying to tell me something.

Jill:I WAS trying to tell you something — that I was DROWNING!

Walter:Exactly. And the way you kept going under and coming back up... I thought it was some kind of signal.

Walter:You know, even after tonight, I still think I have a shot with her. Maybe next time I'll try a different approach. Say, do you think she'd be interested in... well, you know?

Walter:I never meet anybody.

Alex:What do you mean you never meet anybody? You're a Congressman!

Walter:Exactly.

Alex:Louie, that's beautiful. Your mother and the dentist, alone together in the dark, the gentle whir of the drill...

Walter:I got the job as a favor to my dad, not on merit.

Walter:I still barely won and needed a runoff.

Alex:Wait, your opponent was convicted of murder and you still needed a runoff?

Walter:Yeah, apparently murder isn't as big a deal in this district as I thought.

Alex:Come on, Walter. You're a taxi driver. At least you have a job in the office.

Walter:Yeah, well, even that's in jeopardy.

Constituent:I voted for you.

Walter:Well, thank you very much!

Constituent:Yeah, the other guy had a murder charge.

Walter:So you voted for me because my opponent had a murder charge?

Constituent:Yeah, that's the only reason.

Latka:You are very important man, yes? Here, please, take this money. Is custom in my country to show respect.

Alex:Latka, no, you can't just give money to a government official. That's a bribe.

Latka:Bribe? No, no, is gift! In Caspian, when you meet official, you give money. Shows you are polite person.

Louie De Palma:My mother just had all her teeth pulled. The dentist said, 'This is gonna hurt.' I said, 'Doc, you're talking about my mother — pain relief for her? That's not in my budget.' But then he told me what it would cost if she could still bite, so I said, 'Give her the gas.'

Walter:She needed to change her number to avoid him.

Latka:In my country, the women, they work in the fields all day. They carry water from the well. They cook and they clean and they raise many children. Their hands, they are rough like the bark of trees.

Latka:But you know what? They are happy. They sing while they work. They laugh with their families. They don't need much to be content.

Latka:You know, I've traveled to many countries, studied many cultures. In France, the women are sophisticated and elegant. In Italy, they are passionate and romantic. In Japan, they are graceful and serene. In Sweden, they are independent and strong. But after all my research, all my observations across the world, I have come to one profound conclusion...

Tony:What's that?

Latka:Women are happy.

Walter:He'd rather be thought gay than pathetic

Tony:You think that's bad? I once asked a woman out, and you know what she said? She said, 'I'd rather wait for a man who hasn't been divorced three times.' So I said, 'Lady, I haven't been divorced three times.' She said, 'I know. I'm waiting.'

Elaine:Louie, you are the most disgusting, vile, reprehensible excuse for a human being I have ever had the misfortune of knowing!

Walter:You know, she's nicer than the women I usually date.

Elaine:He thanked everyone remotely connected to the evening

Elaine:You thank people too much, Walter.

Walter:Thank you for pointing that out.

Elaine:See? You just did it again.

Walter:You're right. I apologize.

Elaine:And thank you is not an apology.

Walter:Thank you for clarifying that.

Elaine:There you go again!

Walter:I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Elaine:Just stop saying thank you.

Walter:Thank you for your patience.

Walter:I sweat. I sweat a lot. But I'm not worried about it.

Walter:Well, actually, I am worried. If people find out I sweat, it'll ruin my political career.

Walter:People wipe off their hands after shaking with me. I've seen all the cover-ups. First they try to be subtle—just a quick wipe on their pants. Then they escalate to the bathroom, washing up real good. One guy went home and took a shower. Another fellow jumped in the river.

Walter:I'm sweating because I'm worried about sweating, which makes me sweat more, which makes me worry more about sweating.

Walter:It's a vicious cycle!

Walter:He's got it out for me, I know it. He's going to spit in my soup.

Elaine:Walter, why would he spit in your soup?

Walter:Because I sent back the eggs! One time, fifteen years ago, I sent back the eggs, and he's never forgiven me.

Elaine:That's ridiculous.

Walter:Is it? Then why does he keep staring at me? Why does he keep mumbling under his breath? He's planning something, I can feel it.

Elaine:At least when you were obsessed with your sweat, you were functional. This paranoia about the waiter is worse.

Louie:What happened to you? You're soaking wet!

Walter:It's not water, Louie. It's just sweat.

Louie:Sweat? From what?

Walter:I've been nervous all day.

Louie:Walter's a lame duck congressman.

Louie:I saw him trying to walk up the steps at City Hall. It took him twenty minutes.

Louie De Palma:A schlemiel is a guy who spills soup on a shlimazel. A shlimazel is the guy who the soup gets spilled on.

Louie:What's good about me?

Alex:I have no idea either.

Elaine:Walter, your menu is on fire.

Walter:I know.

Elaine:Aren't you going to do something about it?

Walter:I'm reading the specials.

Elaine:I'll just have dessert.

Louie:Walter, you're a complete meshuggeneh! Every time you open your mouth, something falls apart. You know what you are? You're a total schlemiel-schmendrick-schmaltzoon!

Walter:He doesn't even want to see himself

Walter:How about Monday? No? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? Saturday? Sunday?

Elaine:No, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

Walter:You want to go out with me again?

Elaine:Yes.

Walter:Are you feeling all right?

Louie:You wanna know what a real shlimazl is? I'll tell you what a real shlimazl is.

Louie:A shlimazl is a guy who goes to a fancy restaurant, orders the soup of the day, and the waiter says, 'Sorry, that'll be five extra dollars.' So he says, 'Why?' The waiter says, 'Because today we're serving it in a bowl.'

Louie:Or a guy who wins the lottery. Fifty million bucks. On the way to claim his prize, he gets hit by a truck. He survives, goes to the lottery office in a wheelchair, and they tell him, 'Congratulations! Your check is ready.' He says, 'Great!' They hand it to him—it blows out the window.

Elaine:What are you doing?

Louie:Listen, you touch me again and I'm gonna report you for sexual harassment. And I'm very specific about my zones.

Elaine:He's like that puppy in the pet store window that nobody wants. Everybody walks by, they look at him, they go 'Ugh, not that one.' But I see something special in him.

Elaine:Now I have two crying people to deal with.

Elaine:Like, 'How about a roll in the hay?' Walter's suggestions seem to run toward the blunt, don't they?

Alex:Yeah, trust my instincts.

Alex:My instincts told me to marry Dennis. My instincts told me to invest in that restaurant. My instincts told me to take that job in Pittsburgh.

Elaine:I'll do what I have to do.

Alex:Wait, you're not going to break up with him?

Elaine:No.

Alex:You're choosing sex over a breakup?

Elaine:Well, when you put it that way...

Elaine:Do you want anything?

Walter:Yeah, applause for my sexual performance.

Walter:You know, I've been thinking about last night.

Walter:All that sweating... I'm gonna need a larger shirt.

Walter:I had time to think.

Walter:I was awake all night overthinking.

Walter:I'm flying your parents in from New Jersey. It's just a shuttle flight.

Elaine:Just a shuttle flight? Walter, that's wonderful!

Walter:It's no big deal. I do it all the time.

Walter:You're right, we should take it slow.

Walter:I've already blocked out Tuesday and Thursday evenings, alternating weekends, and I'm thinking dinner the first Saturday of every month.

Alex:Did anything out of the ordinary happen?

Walter:Out of the ordinary? No, nothing. Sex is pretty ordinary for most people.

Walter:Just not for me.

Walter:I'm the soul of discretion. I never tell anyone's secrets.

Other character:Really? Because you've been dropping hints all week about what happened.

Walter:What hints? I haven't said a word!

Other character:You literally told everyone at the garage yesterday.