Alex The Gofer

Producer:Did you notice where the music came from?

Alex:Well, of course. The orchestra pit, naturally. The incidental music was scored in the Romantic idiom, utilizing leitmotifs that harked back to Wagner's compositional methodology. The orchestration favored the strings section with strategic brass interjections to underscore the emotional catharsis of the third act.

Producer:Wait... did you just say all that?

Producer:You're too old to be a gofer.

Alex:Too old? I'm not too old. I'm just now reaching gofer.

Jim:Wait a minute... I'm touching another man's head. What does that mean about me? About us? Are we... is this... intimate?

Latka:It's just a fever check, Jim.

Jim:Is it though? Is it really?

Latka:I need a sick day.

Louie:Sure, you get sick pay.

Latka:Oh, that's wonderful!

Louie:Yeah, you pay me to stay home.

Simka:You need rest, plenty of fluids, and stay warm.

Simka:And tonight, you sleep with pumpkins on your chest. The pumpkins, they draw out the sickness.

Jim:Well, actually, there's been some interesting research on this. Pumpkins are 90% water, which means they're an excellent source of hydration while you sleep. Plus, the natural fibers help regulate your body temperature. It's really quite brilliant when you think about it.

Tony:Rocky III is the greatest movie since Rocky I.

Alex:Tony, Rocky II came out between Rocky I and Rocky III.

Tony:What's the motto of Rocky III?

Alex:I don't know, what?

Tony:Yo, Adrian!

Alex:No, the motto should be: 'Please, God, no more sequels.'

Louie:Hey Alex, I know all about your job as a cabbie. I'm a sportsman myself.

Alex:What? How did you find out?

Louie:I'm a sportsman, pal. I know everything that goes on in this garage.

Louie:I'm a sportsman, Alex. I like to bet on things. I've got twenty bucks says I can get you to tell me that secret of yours within the next forty-eight hours.

Alex:Louie, I'm not telling you anything.

Louie:We'll see about that, my friend. We'll see.

Louie:Alright Iggy, I'm gonna let you ask me anything you want. One question. Anything at all.

Iggy:Louie, how much money do you make?

Louie:Hey Iggy, you wanna play a game? It's real simple. I ask you a question, you gotta answer it honest. Then you ask me a question, I answer it honest.

Iggy:Sure, Louie. What's the question?

Louie:How much money you got on you right now?

Iggy:What? That's not fair!

Louie:You said you'd answer honest. Those are the rules.

Alex:Yeah, I'm perfect for this job. I've got great people skills, I'm reliable, and I show up on time.

Interviewer:That's good to hear. What makes you think you're qualified to be a gofer?

Alex:Well, I've been going for things my whole life. Coffee, dry cleaning, my self-respect... I'm very experienced.

Alex:You're not hiring me because I'm too old, right?

Producer:No, no. Actually, we love hiring older people.

Producer:We get to boss them around and they actually listen to us.

Producer:We like to boss around older people. It makes us feel powerful.

Alex:Well, that's... that's a very Kafkaesque observation about the human condition, really. A sophisticated commentary on power dynamics in society.

Alex:You're not cruel at all. You're existentialists.

Alex:Oh! You mean... you want me to get lunch for you guys?

Producer:Well, yeah. That's what we asked.

Alex:I thought you were asking if I'd had lunch. I already ate.

Alex:You know what the real problem is? It's not the lousy pay, it's not the humiliation of serving drinks to people who ignore me, it's not even pretending to care about their boring conversations. It's that nobody sees me as intelligent. I'm an actor with a brain, and every night I'm treated like I'm just a pair of hands carrying a tray. The intellectual suppression—that's what kills me.

Alex:I can't share my great ideas with anyone.

Alex:Well, actually, I don't have any great ideas.

Alex:Well, I have developed a certain fondness for my colleagues in this vehicular enterprise.

Louie:Congratulations on the theater job, Reeves. You finally got out of this slime pit.

Alex:Thanks, Louie.

Louie:Yeah, you're a lucky guy. Most people spend their whole lives in a place like this.

Louie:Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're an usher?

Alex:I prefer to think of myself as a 'director of audience placement.'

Louie:You're an usher.

Iggy:Okay, okay, I'll tell you where Alex works.

Louie:Finally! Where?

Iggy:He's working at a place where they need someone to be mean to the customers.

Louie:Perfect! That's what I do best!

Iggy:I know. That's why I'm telling you. It's a chance for you to do something good for once in your life.

Iggy:I'm telling you, I really think Louie might choose decency over cruelty this time.

Jim:It worked! My plan actually worked!

Alex:You know, if you really want to solve this problem, you need to think like Stanislavski. Use sense memory. Dig deep into your emotional core.

Other Character:Alex, we told you to stay quiet!

Alex:I'm just saying, a little Meisner technique never hurt anybody.

Alex:You know, if you really want to improve the staging, you should consider the sight lines from the back of the theater, adjust the lighting angles, and perhaps bring in a consultant who specializes in—

Producer:Alex, why don't you just stick to driving the cab and let me worry about the theater. You're starting to sound like you think you're serving filet mignon when you're really just dishing out hash browns.

Actress:Dialogue becomes increasingly passionate and physical

Actress:Alex, I think you're taking this too far.

Alex:What? I'm just playing the scene!

Actress:You bit me!

Alex:That was method acting.

Producer:Hey, has anyone seen my watch? I could've sworn I left it right here.

Alex:Your watch? Oh, I think I might've thrown it out with the garbage this morning.

Producer:You threw out my watch?!

Alex:Well, it was just sitting there on the desk, and I was cleaning up...

Louie:Don't worry, Alex. I won't tell a soul about what I just saw.

Alex:Really?

Louie:Really. Your secret is safe with me.

Louie:You know what made Alex special? He was great at being nothing. That's a compliment.

Louie:You know what your problem is, Alex? You got a big nose. A really big nose. And you've been walking around your whole life with this big nose in front of you, right? So you get used to it. You don't even notice it anymore. But everybody else, they see that nose first thing. It's the first thing that comes through the door.

Louie:Now you go and you get a new job, you're trying to hide that nose. But you can't hide it! It's still there! It's still the first thing people see! So what's the point of changing jobs if you're still gonna have the same nose?

Louie:You're right, you're not always an errand boy.

Louie:Sometimes you're a cabbie.

Louie:Shove a sandwich in his face.

Alex:What kind?

Louie:Egg salad.

Alex:I may drive a cab, and I may have to do menial tasks, but let me tell you something — I am wanted. The police want me, the IRS wants me, my ex-wife wants me...

Director:Alex, we need you to do that scene again where you fall down the stairs.

Alex:But I just told you how essential I am to this production!

Director:Yes, yes, very important. Now, if you could just tumble down those stairs one more time...