Latka Gravas

Latka:Thank you, chambermaid, for your excellent service. I am glad I don't require medical assistance.

Latka:Give me a minute while I go to the can.

Louie · Latka:It hurts me to see you not working. It makes me want to press a nerve in your neck.

Louie · Latka:Because you are a terrible person.

Latka:Word not here.

Latka · Alex:I in lust. What else is new?

Bobby · Latka:Maybe Alex will give you her number. You could call her up for tomorrow night. Oh, no. Thank you very much.

Latka:Did you said foreigner?

Latka:I accept your apology.

Alex · Latka:Sure, you want somebody to talk to you? Yeah. Latka.

Latka · Bobby:No, no, no, no. / Latka, if you don't mind, I'll make the toast.

Latka:Latka, in English. If they don't come, I don't come.

Latka:Phew! Who drive a sick koala bear?

Latka:Party overalls... in truck...

Latka:What are you drinking? Aren't there a lot of phonies here? Let's go to my place. Was it good for you?

Latka:Aren't there a lot of phonies here? Let's go to my place.

Alex · Latka:How far did you get? / 'Dear Allen.' / That's 'Alien.'

Alex · Latka:Papers? / Zigzags?

Latka:You take tongue right out of my mouth.

Latka:Phyllis George.

Latka · Elaine:Oh, boy, we will be so happy. / No. N-o spells 'no.' / Aw, shup.

Latka:I love you.

Latka · Immigration Officer · Louie:'How...' / Can anybody else answer for him? / 'How...' / I'm up for retirement in two years.

Latka:No honeymoon?

Latka:Boy, America's a tough town.

Latka · Someone:What did you do today? / Oh, uh... meet girl. Marry her. Uh, she leave me. It was fun.

Latka · Alex:I am so hungry I could eat a dog. / Not quite, huh, Latka?

Latka · Alex:Eat horse? Echhh! / You'd rather eat a dog?

Latka · Alex · Elaine:Please pass the salt. / No. Soon. Soon. / He likes salt.

Latka · John:I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. / Echhh!

Latka:Brown!

Suzanne · John · Latka:What's wrong? / I think I stole his line. / I'm sorry, Latka.

Latka:Yeah, it goes equally as well with fish or meat or... waffles.

John · Latka:Oh, uh, does anyone know a really long toast? / Vootka! / That's it, huh?

Latka · John:Could you please pass the salt? / I'm sorry. I swear it will never happen again. Never.

Latka · Suzanne · Alex:You must give me your recipe, my dear. / It's just a salad, Latka. / You must give me recipe. / I think you'd better.

Latka:Let's do this again sometime.

Tony · Latka:How come I never understand a single word you say, yet I always know what you're talking about?

Latka · Tony:Latka's non-verbal response and Tony's 'Yeah, that must be it'

Latka:Why you quitting? Sounds good enough for me.

Latka · Louie:After the long joke, Latka asks 'So that means it's all right to go to the dentist?' and Louie says 'No, no, no way'

Latka:Latka panics and asks 'Where is the yakabye?' thinking it's an emergency

Latka:Latka tells arriving character 'too bad... You miss Yakabye drill'

Latka:Latka about watching football at Alex's apartment: 'It's better than watching it on television'

Latka:Latka's reaction to his toothache and getting permission to go to dentist, thanking Louie and saying people say bad things about him but...

Latka:Latka's response: 'No, thank you. I'm trying to watch my babas.'

Latka:Latka about football teams: 'Well, you see, because this team here is called the Giants, but they are not bigger than the other team.'

Latka:Latka continues: 'And also, this team is called the Redskins, but they are almost all black.'

Latka:Latka about instant replay: 'You know, in my country, they don't have instant replay. They just make them do it over again.'

Bobby · Latka · Alex:Visual gag: The fish floating on their backs, clearly dead

Latka · All:Latka's untranslatable joke that makes him laugh hysterically while everyone else stares

Latka:What's the matter, you heard it already?

Latka · Alex:Latka bowing to congressman and Alex stopping him

Latka:In my country, women work like ox. They cook, they... have lots of babies, uh... they get old early. They happy.

Latka · Tony:In America, the women, they have, uh... they have maids, they dress with nice clothes, they take bubble bath. They happy. / What is your point? / Women happy people.

Latka:Bushgalay.

Latka:Bobby? I would like to wish you bad luck.

Latka:No, no. You see, in my country, it is bad luck to wish a person good luck. So when we want to wish a person good luck, we say 'bad luck.'

Latka:We kick him in the yatabe.

Latka:I hope your career goes in the toilet.

Latka:You can keep.

Latka:Right at the end of flight.

Latka:She coming right here. Louie give me rest of day off so I could show her around the Big Banana.

Unknown · Latka:Latka, I think you mean The Big Apple. / Oh, that, too.

Latka:Poor little Mama, she want to see America before she die.

Latka:Mama, my mama!

Mrs. Gravas · Latka:Rockets? / Oh, no, no, no. Eh...

Latka · Alex · Latka:You can take girlfriend. / What about your mother? / She don't have a girlfriend.

Latka:You don't need to explain... Daddy.

Latka:See you later, Papa.

Latka:We are going to be so happy together. Mama cook, Alex read paper, I mow the lawn, oh... Can I have a puppy?

Latka:We are going to be so happy together... Can I have a puppy?

Latka:But, Mama, if you play nik-nik with Alex, then you must marry. It's the only way to save the family honor.

Latka:If you don't marry Alex, then you're... you're a kakbort.

Latka:You mean, not even indoors?

Latka:Brefinish. I make myself. Make a good anti-freeze, let me tell you. No, eats... eats the pipes.

Alex · Latka:My mother's 67 years old. / Then not do for sure.

Latka · Alex · Latka:Pretend what never happened? / Beats me. / Me, too.

Latka:Abbee, abbee, abbee, abbee, dabbee, dabbee, dabbee, dabbee, eicky, eicky, eicky, eicky, bicky, bicky, bicky, bicky, eh... sappee, sappee, sappee, sappee.

Latka:Mm-hmm.

Latka:I quit.

Latka:Be careful of steering. You know, sometimes you turn... go this way when the car, it go this way.

Latka:Brakes are really good now except when it's wet or very dry.

Latka:Be sure don't go over 25 mile per hours because if you do, transmission...

Latka:Okay, it's a deal.

Louie · Latka:Louie reveals he IS the shift supervisor that Latka needs to report his grievance to

Latka:Yeah, it's a small country.

Latka:I go into the bar, and I tell everyone I am looking for a fight... Well, lots of people offered to help.

Latka:They think I am their brother.

Alex · Latka:When are they going to clean those bathrooms? You were in the kitchen.

Latka · Reverend Jim:Wait a minute... you marry me. Uh, believe me, it would never work out.

Alex · Latka:What does it mean? Uh... 'Poor guy.'

Latka:♪ Get on up ♪ ♪ Get on the scene ♪ ♪ I feel like a sex machine. ♪

Louie · Latka:Two pennies, a dime and a Canadian quarter?

Latka:Police state.

Latka · Louie:Eh, sam-a, sam-a, sam-a-vich, sam-a-vich. A sam-a-wich. No, don't eat the sam-a-mich... Get it out.

Latka:See, this is the Louie I was telling you about.

Latka:I heard you are seeing a podiatrist.

Latka:Because I told him I was having bad dreams, so he told me to wear looser shoes.

Latka:And you know, it worked. Boy, this is a great country.

Louie · Latka:What's a kebel? / It take 270 kebel make a lifnitsch

Louie · Latka:What's a matta? / I don't know nothing. What's a matta with you?

Latka:I was just pulling your yaktabe

Latka · Louie:If it's 'brafla,' I have to kill a man. / I think it's 'bratla.' / Oh, good, good. Now I won't need the rest of the day off.

Bobby · Latka:Is this good luck charm in your country? / No. / Then, uh, why are you giving it to me? / I don't want it.

Louie · Latka:A bonus is something that a boss gives a worker when he thinks he's doing a good job. / Congratulations.

Latka · Bobby:Oh, well, that's easy to remember; it's the same name. / It's the same girl.

Latka:Well, could I meet her?

Louie · Latka:Ibida! Ibida.

Latka:one for the money... two for the show... one potato, two potato...

Latka:You know, I... I do love Louie. And Louie loves Latka. Thank you very much. And I, also, I do love Alex, too. And Alex loves Latka. Yeah, she's right. Thank you very much. You know, this... this is a wonderful place to work. Thank you very much.

Latka:I tell you... I tell you something. You know, I... I do love Louie. And Louie loves Latka. Thank you very much. And I, also, I do love Alex, too. And Alex loves Latka. Yeah, she's right. Thank you very much. You know, this... this is a wonderful place to work.

Latka:Oh, of course they do.

Latka:Latka responds to being called with 'Is occupied' from the bathroom

Louie · Latka:Louie forces Latka to swallow toothpaste, and Latka says 'Mmm! Not bad.'

Latka:When told the cleaning lady found 'a strange man' sleeping in the office, Latka asks 'How did she know I was strange?'

Latka:When asked why his building was torn down, Latka says 'Because it would not burn.'

Latka:When told to go to his ambassador for help, Latka reveals 'But ambassador was my roommate.'

Louie · Latka:Louie says he threw Latka's stuff in the street himself after Latka thought a 'terrible person' did it

Latka:Latka says the apartment manager wants to 'put me on a leash' instead of 'lease'

Latka:When asked about taking the bus, Latka says 'it's parked on my sport coat'

Latka:Latka asks 'Why do you keep saying my name over and over?'

Latka · Alex:Learning the apartment costs $3,000 a month when Latka only has $3,000 total

Latka:Oh, what am I going to do next month?

Latka:When the maid appears, Latka says 'See? It comes with a maid.'

Latka:Latka saying goodbye to luxury items: 'Good-bye, couch. Good-bye, carpet. Good-bye, lush contemporary decor.'

Latka:Latka explains sharing in his country: 'You know, in my country, everyone shares with everyone... Otherwise they shoot you.'

Latka:Latka's reflection: 'You know, for me to live in a place like this has been a miracle. And someday, when things are bad, and I have no money and no food, and I'm depressed, I will think about this month that I lived here, and I will feel even worse.'

Latka · maid:Latka's final interaction with the maid: 'Nik-nik?' 'Oh, thank you very much.'

Latka:You red pinkie!

Latka · Jim · Alex:You should listen to him. He knows what he talking about. Thank you very much. I knew I could help him. Yes, that was very nice what you did for him, Jim. Very nice. Well... Bobby's had it pretty rough. Trying to make it as a boxer, and raise the two kids...

Latka:They devalued the broknik and the royal family is vacationing in Calcutta

Latka:Ippi Dongpres just set the new indoor pole-vaulting record for my country. He jumped 12 feet.

Latka:Yes, but remember the National Sports Arena has a ten-foot ceiling.

Latka:a farmer made a mistake in the dark and tried to milk a billy goat

Latka · Louie:It's okay, Louie? / You bet, Latka. But this counts as your vacation.

Latka · Unknown character:He asks, 'Have you read a good book lately?' / I can see the love of literature in his eyes.

Latka:And also because I am a general.

Latka:Yeah, but think how he would treat me if I weren't [nice].

Latka · Unknown character:Well, I have to go rotate. / You have to circulate.

Latka · Elaine:'Latka, tonight is your last night here. Tomorrow you go to war, so tonight I will give you my body to use as you will so that you will never forget me.' / No, I wasn't going to say that. / But how about it?

Latka:Oh, it is easy to be a general in my country. The hard part is to be a living general.

Latka:In the old country, they do it like this.

Latka:Now, this is the part where we all strip to the waist and set fire to the barns in the village.

Jim · Latka:We'll fight this thing together. I haven't had a chance to prove it, but I'm as good American as any man. / No, no, Jim, Jim, America is not involved in this one. / It is now.

Latka · Jim:No, no, Jim, Jim, America is not involved in this one. / It is now.

Jim · Latka:Death to the puppet regime! / But there is no puppet regime. / Who the hell are we fighting? / The tyrannical despot.

Louie · Latka:Louie giving Latka money and telling him to take care of himself after publicly berating him

Bobby · Latka:That was from Anthony and Cleopatra. / Oh. Well, thank them both for me.

Baschi · Latka · All:Visual revelation of the tactical situation on the map

Latka:I'm going home to watch the Tonight Show.

Latka:I'm going home to watch the Tonight Show.

Latka:Latka singing 'Yankee Doodle Dandy' mixed with his native language

Latka:Latka's system for betting on horses is based on the temperature of the horse

Latka:Latka won $12 but lost $36, then claims he can do that well 'every time'

Latka · Unknown · Latka:Because no one likes the mountain people. / Why? / Because they are mountain people.

Latka:Five... one to hold the beeshees and four to raise the goat up and down.

Latka:Come, I will teach you how to speak English, so you can speak good like me.

Latka:I'm going to show her the lights of Broadway and the Statue of Liberty and the apartment of a lonely, lonely man.

Simka · Latka:Well, I am a mountain person! And this is for my mother! And this is for my father! This is for my grandfather! / I hope you have a small family.

Latka:It's hard... it's hard to do this when you keep moving.

Latka:It would have been better if a pig would have walked into garage and said, 'Hello, Latka.' Then I could at least call up my family and say, 'Hello, yes, I am dating a pig.' They would not have been crazy about it, but at least, they would have welcomed it into the family, after a while, especially after we had children.

Latka:I have decided that I love you and I don't care that you are mountain. I am willing to disgrace myself to be with you.

Latka:I have decided that I love you and I don't care that you are mountain. I am willing to disgrace myself to be with you.

Latka:My mother, she disowned me. My grandpa put a curse on me. My brother said he never want to see me again, and my crazy uncle Dahbi gave me his blessings.

Latka:You mountain people sure have a strange way of expressing great joy.

Latka · John:He sure is gorgeous. / Thank you. Thank you.

Latka · John · Latka:It's no good. He's always home, always getting underfoot, always in the way when you're cleaning house. / I have a housekeeper, and I spend most of my day during the week sailing. / Do you have a sister?

Latka:Do you have a sister?

Latka:Do you have a sister?

Latka:I think you are a wonderful girl, and I am proud to be the man whose life you have totally wrecked.

Latka · Tommy · Latka:How does a mountain girl make love? / I don't know. / Like an angel.

Latka · Tony:It is chess. / Damn! I was going to guess that.

Latka · Elaine:Uh... the horse racing. No. Uh... football. Nope. Badminton?

Latka · Alex:350 Brokniks. How much is that in American money? Nothing.

Elaine · Latka:What's that? Uh... uh... I don't know. That's the problem.

Latka:Latka's impression of Herve Villechaize: 'Hey, boss. Hello, boss. How are you, boss?'

Latka:Latka's description of The Honeymooners: 'Hey, Ralphie boy... How you doing? Oh, Alice, one of these days, pow! Right, right, right in... right into the moon.'

Latka:Hey, Ralphie boy... How you doing? Oh, Alice, one of these days, pow! Right, right, right in... right into the moon.

Latka:Latka's fantasy begins with everyone addressing him as 'Mr. Gravas' and calling him 'chipper off the old block'

Latka · Louie:In Latka's fantasy, Louie gets in trouble for going to the bathroom: 'But you went to the bathroom yesterday. Is this going to be a habit with you?'

Latka · Louie:In Latka's fantasy, Louie is sentenced to execution by firing squad for not fixing cabs

Latka · Louie:Latka's fantasy ends with him saying 'Fire' for the execution just as real Louie snaps him back to reality

Latka · Herve Villechaize:Latka does his Herve Villechaize impression for the real Herve

Latka · Unknown character:What is this, eh... Fantasy Island? Well, actually, Latka, there really isn't a Fantasy Island.

Latka · Unknown character:Here come da plane, boss. You like it? That's fine. That was you.

Latka:You know, when I was five and a half and I was just so high and I was so cute, you could eat me up alive... Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me a kid story about yourself? Yes, because you know, I am a bachelor. I am the only kid I've got.

Latka:Listen, who are you fooling? I would marry the wench.

Latka:A big nose and a Green Card.

Latka:Hello, Tony. Hello? What's the matter? You're too sad to talk? Okay, I do your part for you then. Hello, Tony. Hello, Latka. How you doing there?

Latka · Tony:Hello, Tony. / Hello? / What's the matter? You're too sad to talk? / Okay, I do your part for you then. Hello, Tony. / Hello, Latka. How you doing there?

Latka:Of course. They are very popular in my country. Yeah. Oh, almost everybody have them. And, uh, one of our favorite sports is racing them. And when we are not using them, we have special racks where we chain them up at night.

Latka:First, I would like to order a tossed gravlitee... and a fried yufnish in the basket... and a profnika with everything.

Latka:Just give me the number seven.

Latka:could you to be my agent, too?

Latka:[Latka's emotional performance about destroyed village]

Latka · Louie:Do you have the correct time? My watch stopped. / The correct time is you're eight minutes late.

Latka · Louie:Do you think that helping someone who was almost killed in an automobile accident is a good excuse? / No. / Then you're going to hate mine.

Latka · Bobby:The reason I was late is because I was dancing around my apartment with joy. / Oh, yeah? Hey, what happened? / My beloved grandmother died.

Bobby · Latka:That's good news? / No, that's terrible news. Bobby, what kind of a person are you?

Bobby · Latka:What? What? / Cookies.

Latka · Bobby:Well? What do you say? / Well, they're, uh, not bad.

Latka · Bobby:Did you swallow yet? / Did you swallow? Mine seems to be getting larger. I feel like I'm going to be chewing for the rest of my life.

Bobby · Latka:Tastes vary. / Tastes very what?

Latka:just like the famous Amos... The chocolate chip cookie tycoon.

Louie · Latka:You're warning me when I'm warning you? / I am warning you. / Yeah? You're warning me? / Yes. I am quitting.

Latka · Louie:You cannot fire me if I am going to quit. / No, no, no. You can't quit because I'm firing you! / But you cannot fire me if I quit first. / I quit! You're fired!

Louie · Latka:It doesn't matter who says it first. It's who says it loudest. You're fired! / You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! / I quit! I quit! I quit!

Latka · Louie:I'm fired. / You quit! / Thank you very much.

Latka:but, you know, I would trade it all if I would only stop talking for one minute.

Latka:This explains why my grandmother's cookies were so popular with musicians in my country.

Latka:She was always knitting doilies, you know? A doily here, a doily there, doilies everywhere. 'Merry Christmas, Latka. Here is a doily for you.' Oh, everywhere you look is doilies. I'd like to give you a doily, you old bag! I'll give you a doily!

Alex · Latka:Oh, you mean not for the houses, the cars or the women? / Oh, maybe it was the same reasons.

Alex · Famous Amos · Latka:You're hallucinating. / Oh... I'm only in your mind. / Well, then welcome to my mind. If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned it up a bit.

Famous Amos · Latka:success, fame, fortune... All that stuff... It's truly overrated. / Oh. / I wanted to tell you that the really important things in life are the simple things... / Oh, the simple things. / ... but I can't. / Why? / 'Cause it's a crock.

Latka:I just became an American.

Latka:First... first here is George Hanson. It says, 'Best wishes to my buddy, Latka.' And next here is, uh... 'Nice costume, Latka.' Signed... is signed by Fran Petricini.

Latka:There's only... is one thing you need in life and to make... make you happy, and that is friends. That's all you need is friends, and then you be happy.

Latka:You-you also need the food and clothes. You need, you need food and clothes and you need the friends and the food and clothes, then you be happy person.

Latka:So, if you have friends and the food and clothes and the nice car, it is all you need. You don't need anything else. Except a home. You need the home.

Latka:And a beautiful woman, uh, who have a nice body that make you, uh, foam, foaming at the mouth.

Latka:You know, as long as you have the house with the pool, the car and the beautiful woman... the friends would only get in the way. Forget I said anything. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Louie · Latka:I'm really sorry that none of you can make it. / What time should I be there, Louie?

Louie · Latka:Any time you want, Latka. As soon as you get there I'm throwing your foreign butt down the stairs. / Well, in that case, I might be a little late.

Latka:Louie... yesterday I snuck out early. Also, I figured out a way of getting coffee from the machine without paying money. Louie, are you listening to me?

Latka:Hey, uh, a nice suit you're wearing. Maybe it will come back in style.

Latka:Maybe it will come back in style. / Is, is, is that a nose, your nose or are you sucking on the banana? / I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know...

Latka · Louie:I don't want to say you're ugly, but you know... / Don't press your luck, Latka.

Louie · Latka:Don't press your luck, Latka. / Okay, Louie. I'm sorry. Boy, I was cooking.

Latka:In my country, it is tradition for a man and woman to live together before they are married. And to make love in every possible way so then they can see if they want to get married after that.

Latka:I do. Who? Me. I have won. I have a match. I won a complete men's wardrobe.

Latka:No, no. A fly swatter.

Latka:No, he was a good worker and a very nice man.

Latka · Bobby:I don't know why everybody say it is too long and boring. You know, I enjoyed it and to me, I think it was just right. Well, there's a second act coming up, Latka. Not for me, there isn't.

Latka:Okay. 'Come on, Latka, there's a lot of tables to be cleaned.' / You know, I-I would not be offended by a tip.

Latka:I enjoy watching her... she has been in here before. Each time she gets more beautiful than the last.

Latka:We do not, as a matter of fact, have much luck with the women in my country.

Latka:Bobby, if I were you, I would go over and say hello. But, unfortunately, I am me.

Latka:By golly, I will do it. All right. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, first thing, I promise.

Latka · Karen:Hello, I am Latka Gravas. You're what? Hello, I am Latka Gravas.

Latka:Maybe could I please have a drink with you? Or food? Or... or even gum? Bubble gum?

Latka:Then I guess it will not be necessary for us to look for a house over the weekend.

Latka:Boy, it sure is a long walk back.

Latka:You just go and have a wonderful time with the woman who makes every tissue in my body scream with desire.

Latka:I want to be an American fun guy taking each day in high gear.

Latka:Well, how about the time Tony said his uncle was broke, and I said, 'Well, why doesn't he go to the doctor?'

Latka:I am going to 'alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane.'

Latka · Tommy:Hey, Tommy, making any money? What kind of imported beer you got? Schlitz.

Latka:I don't like the fast lane.

Latka:No, no, I'm only fooling. Where is your sense of humor?

Latka · Tony:In my country, they wear nothing. [...] No skates. [...] No ice. Gravel.

Latka · Tony:No skates. / What do they do, slide around the ice? / No ice. Gravel.

Latka · Tony:You call my-my stupid stuff is stupid stuff? Yeah. I think is not. I think your stupid stuff is stupid stuff, and you calling my stuff is not stupid stuff.

Latka:Because you cannot knock me out. Because, if you do, nobody is going to like you, because I am weak and defenseless and-and cute.

Latka:See? I am winning this argument.

Latka · Tony:Latka draws a low card and loses the bet to stay quiet, then immediately starts celebrating how great it will be not to hear from Tony

Latka · Tony · Alex:Latka repeatedly tries to communicate while under his vow of silence, getting increasingly frustrated

Latka:Testing. Abby-dabby, icky-bicky, abby-dabby, icky-bicky.

Latka · Bobby:How is your career coming along? Well fine, as a matter of fact... Sorry to hear that, Bobby.

Latka:Latka returning to normal: 'Where am I? What... why am I dressed like the poop-kicker?'

Latka:Oh, no, no, that was just a joke. Joke? Joke, yeah, take a joke.

Latka:Latka's terrible cowboy impression: 'There is not room enough in this town for the-the-the... the both of us. There is no room. We both-both going to have to go to the other town.'

Latka:Latka's emotional reaction to royal wedding: 'I cry and I cry every time I think about them'

Latka:Latka's childhood: 'We had the wood, we had the bucket, we had the chair. Then when I was eight, my father got a raise, so we moved someplace indoors'

Latka:Then when I was eight, my father got a raise, so we moved someplace indoors.

Latka:About Uncle Bobka: 'Well, you can try, but you have to talk loud. You see, they buried him 12 years ago'

Latka:About Uncle Bobka: 'You see, he had no children of his own to destroy'

Latka:Latka's perspective: 'Well, not so bad. Some children never get to see their uncles'

Latka:Latka interrupting Alex's breakthrough: 'So, we had the bucket, we had the wood...'

Latka:'must've been placed here by a "put-pocket"'

Latka · Tony:Latka guessing exactly right about the beach ball being 'Red, green, yellow and blue'

Latka · Tony:Latka correctly guessing the price: 'About ten dollars'

Tony · Latka:Tony asking about the saleslady's height and Latka guessing 'Five foot three' then Tony's frustrated 'Not even close, Mr. Know-It-All'

Latka · Tony:Latka and Tony both claiming to be Bobby's best friend

Latka:Latka saying he'll return the beach ball 'to the six-feet tall saleslady'

Latka:Latka's earmuffs riddle: 'It keep you warm and it rhyme with zearmuffs'

Latka · Bobby:The earmuffs revelation after Bobby guesses correctly

Latka:Latka's reaction to buying the beach ball: 'I like to be laughed at by the clerks in the toy store'

Latka:Latka's gift confusion escalation: 'And then when I give you the beach ball, you're going to want the earmuffs?'

Latka:I am fed up. I don't care where you go, what you do, when you do it, when you get there. I don't care. You're making me crazy. Earmuffs, beach ball. Earmuffs, beach ball...

Latka:Oh, my! What a surprise. Grease and oil in an engine? Are my eyes deceiving me?

Latka:Listen, Vic is a fussbudget and a pain in the yaktabe.

Alex · Latka:'Aw, Tony'? You understood that? No. But he looks so sad.

Latka:Eh, twice on my face and once on my back.

Latka:I don't even like American women. I have a good reason, too. What's that? They don't give me the time of day.

Simka · Latka:Simka. Latka. Simka.

Latka:I feel very comfortable in that tongue, you bet, Joe!

Latka:Eh, would you like something from the hoof or something close to the tusk?

Simka · Latka:Both! That's what I love about you, you eat like a swine.

Latka:Well, you know, it hasn't been all brethnees and warthog for Mama Gravas's little boy either.

Latka · Simka:Well, for instance, you can say, that you were up all night with him, and you discussed, uh, whether the Today show is better with Bryant Gumbel. I cannot say that.

Latka · Simka:Did I whimper? Was I... clumsy? No, you were wonderful! Then it wasn't me.

Latka:You have shamed me, degraded yourself, disgraced your family, cheapened your people, and blemished your planet.

Tony · Latka:Oh... I can't tell you how many times I've had something like that happen. Talk to me. Okay. She says the other man was Vic. Talk to Alex.

Latka:Vic has more fun in his pockets than I have in my whole life.

Latka · Alex:Where are they? I don't know. I've asked all of them.

Alex · Latka:You're gonna just sit there and mope? No, I'm going to whine and snivel.

Latka:I am responsible. Yes, I-I have to save her from that two-bit bossa nova.

Latka · Alex:And if he won't listen to good manners, I'm going to have to get rough. I would hate to be in his shoes.

Latka:Men have gone to almost certain injury in the cabs.

Latka:And if you ever come near my woman again, I will call you a name!

Latka:and no, I'm not going to beating on the bush.

Latka:Thank you very much. I am a dope.

Latka:Latka greets multiple personalities by name: Hello, Arlene. Hello, Jose. Hello, Dwayne. Hello, Billy. Hello, Ruby.

Latka:A man is nothing without friends.

Latka:the only thing that separates us from the animals are mindless superstition and pointless rituals.

Latka:Usually it's an old hag or a leper or the village idiot. But you'll do in a pinch.

Latka:I am going to die a bachelor.

Latka:You don't know how long I have waited to see you in your father's wedding dress.

Simka · Latka:the air humid... Simka! Simka!

Latka · Simka:The kid. Yourself!

Latka:Why June 15? Okay, well, how about tonight?

Jim · Latka:We gain from experience, but we lose the wisdom that comes from childlike simplicity. Right, Latka?

Latka · Jim:Why-why are you asking me? There are three other people here. / I thought I'd ask the wisest. / Oh... oh.

Latka:Yes, I do, as a matter of fact, and it will tear your heart out.

Unknown · Latka:Dong ding? / Ding dong. / Oh! Ding dong. / Ding dong, ding dong.

Latka:Extended silence as Latka continues his wordless story

Latka:Oh, it's okay, sponge brain.

Latka:Comes to us naturally as eating, sleeping and disemboweling sheep

Latka:See, this shows how good Simka is. That's exactly what your date said

Louie · Latka:How come my date's blind? / Glaucoma

Latka:Where are my mittens?

Latka:Oh! Oh! Oh!

Latka:Never hurts to check, you know.

Latka:Winter.

Latka:Oh, come on, turn that frown upside down.

Latka:Oh, I hope it is the right size for you.

Bates · Latka:I feel terrible that you're going to freeze to death to save me. I am?

Latka:Oh, no, no, no, you're not paranoid. Don't worry, we're going to freeze to death.

Latka:Sex, death... Sex, death, hmm...

Latka:Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Latka:Please, Elaine, I have no more to give.

Latka:I am not a hero. I am a stinkbug.

Latka:Oh, no, no, no, no, that's right. They were on her back.

Latka:I did it for you.

Latka:Take my word for it, it was you.

Latka:But Simka doesn't work.

Latka:Oh, I think I know what the problem is. What? Winter.

Latka:Hmm.

Latka:Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Latka · Simka:Hi, honey. I'm home. Latka, I am so happy, I... You did it with another woman!

Latka:You mean to tell me, you're going to sleep with one of my friends?

Latka:Baby, you're the greatest.

Simka · Latka:What kind of slumber is this that... Don't worry. I am awake.

Latka:Well, then you can look at this as a chance to get to know him better.

Latka:You mean the way we elect our president?

Latka:Dress... is informal.

Latka:Maybe no one will come, and then the priest will say that you don't have to go through with this.

Simka · Latka:I have bad news for you, my darling. I have been faithful to you. Oh, no!

Latka:We must seek the Reverend Gorky right away!

Louie · Latka:I don't know. Now, what are you worried about, Latka? This is America. We got a thing here called sick pay. Oh! Oh, good, good. You pay me ten bucks, you can go home.

Latka:Look what I got, everybody. A monk.

Latka:He can't talk. He has taken a vow of non-communication. See? Oh, oh... He can't even do this.

Louie · Latka:Are we going to get wild or crazy? You know, talk? Sure.

Zifka · Latka:How do I look? You look wonderful.

Zifka · Latka:I would love to listen to somebody really talented play the gruck. Oh, well, I wonder where we could find someone who knows how to play the gruck.

Tony · Latka:Well, your cousin Zifka! Oh, that's right! Well, maybe he needs just a little bit of encouragement to play the gruck!

Latka:Did you know that at the age of 12, he was the second gruckist in the national symphony?

Latka:Do you like Christmas ham with, uh, honey glaze and pineapples on it? Yeah. Good. Then you better bring one.

Latka · Phyllis · Others:Oh, and in our country, it is a tradition that the oldest woman leads it. Oh, no. Oh, great; just great. When were you born? Uh, February, 1952. February what? Fourth.

Latka:Conskufflement.

Simka · Latka:Well, go ahead, Latka, don't be chicken. All right. Chicken.

Latka:That was a big hit.

Latka:We broke off diplomatic relations with France

Latka:The tradition of my country forces me to protest.

Latka:No, no, no! I won't take it! This is an insult! Thank you very much.

Latka:I wasn't planning on it, but, uh, if you want, okay, we'll serve it just for you.

Latka · Tony:You know, this-this feels like this is a nice way of you saying that our parties stink. A very nice way.

Alex · Latka:Latka, don't you lock your door? Why? This is America.

Latka:Now, who's up for bobbing for fish parts?

Latka:Alex, hold your nose and count to 20.

Latka · Alex:She gets this way once a month. Oh.

Latka:Why did these interviews have to happen while she's having her crimpka poosh?

Alex · Latka:Couple of days? Yeah. It's going to be more like two weeks.

Latka · Elaine:Elaine, you don't have crimpka poosh. I don't want to argue the point, but I do.

Latka:I'm talking about the two weeks every month when Simka becomes like another person.

Latka:In my country, you'd be covered with jelly and sent to live among the fat.

Latka:But I think my favorite part of America is the fruited plain. Of course the purple mountain majesty is nothing to shake a stick at.

Latka:In my country, you'd be covered with jelly and sent to live among the fat.

Latka:She's one... She's one hot, fidgety mama.

Latka:I remember because I thought it was going to be a double feature.

Latka:Um, oh, it was Officer and a Gentleman. I remember because I thought it was going to be a double feature.

Latka:See, I told you. It's a real turn-on.

Latka · Immigration Officer:Aren't you gonna give us that speech about 'Welcome to America'? We don't do that.

Latka:Welcome to America, Mrs. Gravas.