On The Job 1

Unknown Driver:So I hear there's some kind of big meeting going on. Yeah, I know all about it. I've got the inside scoop. Let me tell you, there's a lot of maneuvering happening, a lot of people talking behind closed doors. It's politics, pure and simple.

Unknown Driver:Actually, I have no idea what's happening.

Louie:You drivers are bleeding this company dry! We're going broke because of you!

Louie:All these safety regulations, the inspections, the maintenance on the cabs—it's costing us a fortune!

Louie:Why do we need seat belts? Why do we need working brakes? Why do we need headlights that actually work?

Louie:That's what's destroying this business!

Louie De Palma:You're going to kill the golden goose!

Unknown Driver:What? Did somebody touch a goose?

Unknown Driver:Where's the goose?

Bobby Baccalieri:You know, I've been thinking. I'm gonna break away from this taxi thing, start fresh, you know? Maybe get into something completely different.

Bobby Baccalieri:But then I realized... I'll just end up in another dead-end job just as bad as this one.

Mackenzie:

Louie:Mackenzie jumps out the window? That's his business. He jumps out the window, that's his decision. But does he have to do it during rush hour?

Unknown Driver:But he would shoot someone else instead

Tony:Father, I need to confess something. I've been troubled by my work as a collection agent. I take money from people, and I'm worried about my soul.

Priest:My son, confession is good for the soul. Tell me, who do you collect from?

Tony:Well, that's just it, Father. I collect from everyone.

Priest:I see. And this troubles you?

Tony:Yeah, it does. In fact, Father, you owe me fifty bucks from last month.

Father:I went to the track to do a little praying for the poor souls in purgatory. Well, I figured if I won, I could give the money to the church. So I put twenty dollars on a horse named 'Blessed Virgin.'

Father:She came in third. So I figured the Virgin Mary was telling me something, so I doubled my bet on a horse named 'Hail Mary.' She came in fourth.

Father:So I put everything I had on a horse named 'Nun of Your Business.' That horse died.

Father:So I figured God didn't want me at the track. He wanted me at the OTB.

Tony:The moral problems with gambling...

Father:Yes, yes, Tony, you're absolutely right. Gambling is a sin.

Father:But did you see the point spread on the Giants game?

Tony:You can't give me a watch. My bookmaker don't take watches. He takes cash, he takes checks, he takes Visa, he takes MasterCard. But watches? No.

Priest:I put my faith in the Lord.

Tony:Well, don't put your faith in the New York Jets.

Tony:Lou, I need my Friday payment.

Lou:Here you go, Tony.

Tony:What is this? A watch?

Lou:It's a religious watch. Very special.

Tony:Lou, you can't pay me with a watch! And you know I didn't want you giving away religious items around here.

Lou:Consider it your lucky day, Tony.

George Givens:You're telling me you don't know where Mr. Givens is? That's incompetence! I demand to speak to someone in charge!

Elaine:I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Givens stepped out. He should be back any minute.

George Givens:This is unacceptable! You're fired! I am Mr. Givens, and I was testing to see if you'd lie to cover for me. Congratulations — you failed.

George Givens:The key to survival in the corporate world is to be completely anonymous. Nobody notices you, nobody bothers you, nobody tries to take credit for your work.

George Givens:I've perfected it. I walk into a room, I do my job, and I leave. My face and my name have no connection whatsoever.

Givens:Ridiculous? This is a proven survival strategy.

Elaine:Oh sure, I can see how that would really help in an emergency.

Givens:You doubt me?

Elaine:Not at all... uh, what was your name again?

Elaine:Your reports are really well-written.

George Givens:You read them?

Givens:I'd like to give my report now.

Meeting Chair:All right, what's-his-name, go ahead.

George Givens:The company should focus on nuclear weapons, hospitals, and sweatpants.

Elaine:What a lovely family photo.

George Givens:It's just the stock photo that came with the frame.

George Givens:I've named them. The father is Claude, the mother is Estelle, and the kids are Derek and little Suzie.

George Givens:My oldest daughter married a man who drinks. Every night he comes home, he's three sheets to the wind. I told her, 'Honey, this man's got a problem.' She says, 'Dad, he's happy.' I said, 'He's not happy, he's drunk!'

Elaine:They fired you too?

Givens:Yeah.

Elaine:Well, then charge it to the company.

Jim:You know what the one thing was that would have kept me as a door-to-door salesman?

Unknown Driver:What?

Jim:Liking it.

Jim:Reading directly from script including placeholder text

Jim:I'm in! I'm actually in! Do you know what this means? I did it! I got inside the house! This is the greatest moment of my life!

Jim:This vacuum has a five-year warranty, it comes with all the attachments you could ever need, and... uh... it picks up dirt.

Customer:Where do I plug this in?

Jim:Well, actually, I should tell you - I'm not selling vacuums.

Jim:I'm selling encyclopedias.

Customer:What? Then what's this?

Jim:That's volume V.

Latka:My boss, he say to me, 'Latka, you want to make extra money? You get the customers to give you tips.'

Latka:So I say, 'Boss, that's a great idea!'

Latka:Hey, everybody! You want to give me tips?

Unknown Driver:Well, I would be offended by your bad service.

Latka:I wouldn't be offended by a tip.

Friend:Well, that's good, because you're not going to get one.