Tony Banta

Louie · Tony:What's it like having a cauliflower back?

Tony:I didn't get creamed. I lost on the decision. I'm impressed. The referee decided I was bleeding too much.

Bobby · Tony:I'm up for the part of the horse. Yeah? Which end?

Tony · Alex:There's got to be somebody somewhere you want to call. No, well, no, not now.

Tony:Just crazy about her. Classiest lady I ever met. Yes, operator, I want the VIP Massage Parlor.

Tony:I'm calling from the USA. I'd like to speak to... Number 12.

Tony:Since the war's over, they only go up to nine.

Tony · Alex:How many times you ever see her? Ten or 20 times. How long were you in Bangkok? A day. Yeah, I think she remembers you.

Tony:I swallowed a whole handful of uppers. You know, when the guy knocked me out, I couldn't close my eyes.

Tony · Alex:The escalating booking claims: $120 to $110 to $100 to $90 to $80

Louie · Tony:Your gym called... That information will cost you another buck... They didn't say nothing.

Tony:Imagine, the champ hitting my face.

Tony:Once, the announcer said: 'In this corner, Holiday Inn.'

Tony · Jerry:I like 'son.'

Tony:Champ, I'm sorry I hit you so hard.

Tony:Buy a new cup.

Tony:You ever try to listen to the Olympics on the radio?

Tony:You're sure you don't mind?

Tony:Or a hooker.

Tony:It killed my sister-in-law.

Tony:'cause nobody trusts nobody. Except you. Everybody trusts you.

Tony:Everything go all right in the ladies' room?

Tony:Yeah, he'll probably just blow it on rent or food or something.

Bobby · Tony:Let me go, Tony. I got to hit something. / Hey, what are you crazy? / I can see you're upset, but, uh, don't hit that. You could really hurt yourself.

Tony · Bobby:Hit me. Here, in the stomach. Go ahead. / I can't do that. / Come on, don't worry about it. I'm hard as a rock. I do 200 sit-ups a day.

Bobby · Tony:Oh, Tony! I'm sorry. Are you okay? / I'm fine. I'm fine. / Hey, listen, if it makes you feel any better, I feel great.

Tony · Bobby:Where did you come from, Bobby? / The Bronx.

Tony · Other:Did I tip my hand again? Only to the trained eye.

Tony:'Cause we're nobodies. We're stupid, ignorant, low-life cabbies.

Bobby · Tony:John, George Bernard Shaw said that. He did? Your father was George Bernard Shaw?

Alex · Tony:You've been teaching him. Not me. I was going to ask for a copy myself.

Tony:Stop envying them.

Unknown · Tony:How do you feel, Tony? Thirsty.

Tony · Alex · Bobby:How much do they need? / $2,500. / I don't think we know them.

Tony · Latka:How come I never understand a single word you say, yet I always know what you're talking about?

Latka · Tony:Latka's non-verbal response and Tony's 'Yeah, that must be it'

Tony:There doesn't seem to be much point.

Tony:Well, I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it was her doing all that stuff to me. Pretended it was that ugly witch sucking my fingers. I pretended it was that ugly witch blowing in my ear. And I pretended it was that ugly witch with her hand on my knee.

Tony:And then what? I got to thinking... who cares how ugly the witch is?

Tony:Psychologists, they got a term for people like you. What is it? Uh... Oh, yeah... you got a screw loose.

Tony:To get rid of you, I'd marry him.

Tony:Oh, yeah, and one guy who thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Tony:For 26 bucks I'd drive around and sing 'You Light Up My Life.'

Jim · Tony:I know. I'm eating. / So you are. / No... I mean, I'm eating.

Tony:You know, Alex, when I first got this job, everyone told me that the best fares were in the upper 80s. I thought they were talking about streets.

Tony:About Tony's date who wanted to be a boxer: 'I never want to see her again especially in the ring... I wouldn't have a chance'

Alex · Tony:About New Hampshire boxing: 'Do they have a lot of middleweights in New Hampshire?' 'Three. The guy I'm fighting just took the title away from his father.'

Tony:Tony about his fish: 'I bought them with the purse from my first big win... $3.00'

Tony:Tony's castle gift for his fish with 'Scranton' written on it

Tony:Tony's speech about his fish: 'them fish are like symbols... of, like, survival. If them little fish can survive in this world than so can I.'

Tony:Tony: 'Hey, where are they?' realizing his original fish are missing

Tony:Tony's philosophy: 'I mean, there are guys I don't even like that treat me better. One guy I hate treats me almost as good.'

Tony:About replacement fish: 'It's a dog's life.'

Tony:Tony almost destroying Bobby's lucky shirt, then realizing: 'Gee, I just remembered... It's my shirt.'

Tony:Tony's rambling philosophy: 'A guy can do what he can do, and he can't do what he can't do, so if a guy doesn't do what he can't do, what are you going to do?'

Bobby · Tony:Bobby correcting fish names: 'George and Wanda!' 'Wanda! The least you could do is get their names straight! Wanda!'

Tony · Bobby · Alex:The reconciliation moment: 'Wendy, Wanda.' 'Oh... I love you guys.'

Tony:Tony's final gesture: feeding the mounted fish

Louie · Tony:She thinks I'm out of town, seeing you fight. Who'd I fight? Some kid from Mexico. How'd I do? He knocks you out in the second round. Yeah, them Mexican guys are tough.

Tony:As long as you still got one, he could still have kids.

Latka · Tony:In America, the women, they have, uh... they have maids, they dress with nice clothes, they take bubble bath. They happy. / What is your point? / Women happy people.

Tony · Alex:A woman once said to me, 'I never want to see you again as long as I live.' / That's happened to everybody. / We hadn't been introduced.

Tony:She cries in every scene. She cries if she's happy, she cries if she's sad, she cries if she doesn't know if she's happy or sad.

Soap opera character · Tony:I'm going to have his baby. / Way to go, Bobby.

Tony:I think I got a date for breakfast.

Tony:If she'd just stop wearing those black dresses all the time... shed a few pounds... get rid of the wart and the mustache.

Tony · Louie:Hey, Louie, I got a tattoo. / Oh, yeah, and losers.

Jim · Tony:The tongue is mightier than the sword. / Talk like that's a good way to get your tongue cut off.

Bobby · Tony:See? I convinced him. / Yeah. Play some rummy?

Tony:Yeah, somebody else will do that for you.

Tony:There ain't even no gum stuck to this table.

Tony:Will you keep your drawers on, lady? The guy's got six tables. He can't be everywhere at once.

Tony:This is very depressing.

Roger · Tony:Some of those stories were just great. / Thanks. Some of them even happened.

Tony:I'm going to sit in the first row of the fight, and I'm not even going to have to get knocked out of the ring to get there.

Tony · Unknown driver · Tony:Great, great. / Yeah? Who won? / I don't know. Lea and I left early.

Tony:But, uh, I don't think she has any more.

Tony:Tony tells story about foreign passenger asking if $100 is enough for a $17 fare, then reveals he gave $83 change instead of keeping the obvious tip

Tony · Alex:Tony suggests Alex 'do what you do when you were a kid' and Alex responds 'You want me to punch him?'

Tony · Unknown:Tony's comment about Jason beating his brains out after two boxing lessons, followed by 'What took him so long?' from someone

Alex · Bobby · Tony · John:The extended awkward exchange where everyone looks around avoiding suggesting Louie babysit

Unknown · Tony:Tony's boxing commentary: 'The first round is always the toughest. You ought to know, Banta. It's the only one you ever fight in.'

Tony · Unknown:Tony's consolation: 'Coming in second ain't the worst thing in the world. Right. Tony does it all the time.'

Tony:You put her into low, and you know what she'd do? She'd go into low.

Tony:It's like she knew you trusted her.

Bobby · Tony:You didn't save anybody's life. Sure, I did. You did not. It was no big thing.

Tony · Passenger:Hey, don't do that! Okay. Thanks.

Bobby · Tony:That's all there was to it? Yeah. He has the nerve to compare that story with mine. At least I didn't take an hour to tell it.

Alex · Tony:My theory is that, since she's not a stupid person she must see some quality in Louie that we've always missed / My theory is, Zena is nuts

Tony:I wonder what 'uh, huh-huh, huh-huh' means.

Tony:Does this look like the face of a loser?

Tony:The guy was climbing into the ring, he trips, falls down and knocks himself cold. Tony won by default.

Tony:I had to make it through the same ropes.

Tony · Reverend Jim:What do you say to that? Thank you. You're welcome.

Tony:Oh, he knocked me out in the second round.

Tony:She should have told me that before I lined them with tin foil.

Tony:Hey, Elaine, I'll show you an artist.

Tony:I think this one could use more brown.

Tony · Alex:What are the chances of that? / 50-50? / At least.

Tony:I leaned out of the cab to tell this guy he was an idiot and I forgot to roll the window down

Tony · Alex:What's the matter with your face? / Tony, please. / Well, look at his face.

Tony:They couldn't pay me enough to screw up my face like that.

Tony:Grandma's in center, Grandpa's playing left.

Tony:So far, you're the only guy in the garage who knew enough to bend over.

Tony:Uh, I'm a boxer... My reactions are quicker.

Tony · Bobby:When? / Soon as I can get to a telephone.

Tony · Bobby:How come you can't pass up one woman for a friend? / Hormones, I guess.

Alex · Bobby · Tony:I'm thinking of a number... Five. / I wanted five. / Tough luck. / Why don't you draw straws to see who gets five?

Tony:Hey, lady! Anything he says... me, too.

Tony:Elaine, can I speak to you man to man?

Tony:Gee, the guy's got the market cornered on everything but pitiful.

Tony:Well, I got that beat, 'cause my date with her was one of the greatest nights of my life.

Tony:Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya.

Tony:Not hard enough.

Bobby · Tony:Oh, what beautiful eyes she has... / Yeah, we had that talk.

Tony · Bobby:She calls me her, uh... Sorry, Bobby... Her tough teddy bear. / Her, uh, smart teddy bear.

Tony · Janet · Bobby:Gee, thanks, Janet, but you shouldn't have done this. / Why not? I wanted to. / I'm a middleweight. / And it's my watch.

Tony · Bobby:Yeah, take a minute, mull it over. / Yeah. Come on, now, take your time. / Go over to another table and work on it for a while. / You know, make it look tough, anyway.

Bobby · Tony:Yeah, take a minute, mull it over. / Yeah. Come on, now, take your time. / I mean, 'cause we're in no hurry. / Yeah, yeah. Go over to another table and work on it for a while. / You know, make it look tough, anyway.

Tony · Bobby:How am I doing? / Will you shut up!

Bobby · Tony · Janet:Our friendship could end forever right here. / Eh, maybe you got a point, Bobby. / So let me understand this: Now, neither one of you wants to see me anymore?

Tony:This is our chance to humiliate the little creep.

Tony:It was taken when I was sick... and stupid.

Tony:She hasn't said a word in three hours.

Tony:Tony claims he drove Neil Armstrong and when asked where he took him, says 'The unemployment office'

Tony:Tony shows off what he claims is a piece of the moon that Neil Armstrong gave him instead of cab fare

Bobby · Tony:Bobby suggests the Neil Armstrong might be a phony, and Tony responds 'if he was a phony, where did he get a piece of the moon?'

Tony:Tony suggests to avoid embarrassment of formal announcement: 'Don't leave'

Tony:Tony ordering increasingly elaborate drinks from the maid: foreign beer, frosted mug, make it two, peanuts

Tony · Bobby:Tony and Bobby both want to bring dates and flip a coin, with Tony calling heads and Bobby saying 'I win. I get the game room.'

Tony:Tony's response to getting the master bedroom: 'I guess I'll just have to figure out something to do in the master bedroom.'

Tony:Tony's promise about the rent party: 'I ain't making no promises, but maybe I can get Neil Armstrong here.'

Tony:When Elaine offers to dance, the men surge forward and Tony says 'Just step back a little. Give her some room... Elaine will dance, we will watch.'

Tony:Tony talking to imaginary person named Don: 'Don, see Elaine dance? Yeah. Dance, Elaine.'

Unknown · Tony:No, Tony. He's just thrilled about being a cab driver. Oh, I get that way myself sometimes.

Unknown character · Tony:What happened to Chuck and Matt? / I don't want to talk about it. / They didn't make it, huh? / No, they made it. A year later, they married each other. I heard they opened a roller-disco in L.A.

Tony:We were thinking of using brushes and rollers.

Tony · Bobby:Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, you know, this is silly, trying to do this and drink beer at the same time. You're right.

Tony:That's all right, as long as we don't put the sound on, we'll watch it every once in a while.

Tony · Jim:They're going away for the whole weekend. That's pretty serious... The two of them alone together for nine days.

Tony · Alex:He knocked you out in the second round. Yeah, but now he's going around shooting off his mouth, saying he can do it in one.

Tony · Alex:He says he had walking pneumonia or something that night, you know? Fever of 104. Oh, I hate a man who makes excuses. Me, too.

Alex · Tony:I think he means Zena. Oh, my mistake.

Jim · Tony:It must be hard on a guy like Louie, not having any friends to talk to when you're in trouble, you know? Yeah, well, who cares? Let's play.

Jim · Tony:Jim looking for replacement for 'uh, uh, what do you call it?' 'Drugs?' 'No, thanks.'

Jim · Tony · Alex:'Give him odds.' 'A hundred to one.' 'I can't pass that by.'

Tony:'She's got kings and queens?' 'I fold.'

Tony · Alex:Tony folds when he hears the cards have kings and queens, Alex says he's back in when told there's no money

Tony:Tony asks 'The horse hung himself?' when told 'he died'

Tony:Boy, it's kind of like a painter getting a chance to beat up on Rembrandt.

Tony:I think I'll stick with nervous.

Vince · Tony:Hey, we make a great team, don't we? I mean, with my muscle and his brains, we can't lose. It's the other way around, Vince. Right.

Tony:That's it... I know what I got to do. I'm going to give that kid my kidney.

Tony:What's NATO?

Tony · Brian:What'd you hit me with? The ball bearings from my wheelchair.

Brian · Tony:I'll stick around until you lose one. That could be weeks.

Tony · Brian:How come you didn't punch him like you punched me? I did better... I got his wallet.

Tony · Brian:Tony's increasingly desperate attempts to make Brian's getting hit by a pitch sound strategic

Brian · Tony:The dimples inspection sequence

Brian · Tony · Alex:Brian's age deception being discovered

Tony:I have parents.

Tony:Sure. I went to grade school with hundreds of them.

Tony · Jim:And Jim becau... Did I invite you?

Tony:Yeah, from scratch.

Tony · Elaine:Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say. All you had to do to get kids was give birth.

Tony · Brian:When did you become a vegetarian? When I looked at this meat loaf.

Tony · Brian:They had to freshen up. Oh, yeah. You told me they do everything together.

Alex · Tony:Alex repeats Tony's exact excuses back to him

Tony:Oh, they got one in their house.

Tony:Who'd build a nice house like this next to a bunch of stables?

Tony:Oh, yeah. Once, I was out for almost an hour.

Tony:Last time I saw him, he was in Alaska selling batteries.

Tony:Oh, that's the amount of brandy you're supposed to get.

Tony:Well, it's a lot like boxing, only there are a lot fewer people around when you get beat up.

Alex · Brian · Tony:Name three. Friends, happiness and health. Three that money can't buy. You're right. He's great.

Brian · Tony:Geez, what kind of choice is this for an eight-year-old? A nine-year-old. Oh, we're going to get nasty.

Tony:Listen, if you ever think about adopting an older kid... Like, 42 years old... call me.

Tony:So you're ready to settle for me now?

Tony:Tony's rejection: 'I ain't going to be nobody's second choice'

Tony:Don't hit me with that smile, Brian. Dimples either.

Tony:There's such a thing as being too easy.

Tony · Brian:The card game resolution

Louie · Tony:Nice going, dough-brain. You just blew your biggest booking night in six months.

Bobby · Tony:Alex called and said 'I'm never, ever, ever, never, never coming back.' / You sure he didn't say 'I'm never, ever, ever, never coming back, ha-ha?' You know how Alex likes to kid.

Latka · Tony:It is chess. / Damn! I was going to guess that.

Tony · Elaine:Let's ask Alex. / Good idea.

Tony · Alex:It's for parking, Alex. / And emergencies, hence the name, emer... / You know, there's a logic to that.

Tony:Stand back and watch my dust.

Tony:Right foot, left foot, right foot...

Tony · Alex:I blew it, huh? / Big.

Unknown · Tony:Haven't you ever heard of the Taft-Hartley Act? / Hey, I used to see them on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Tony:Taft was the goofy one, right?

Tony:I did that in a college fight... it killed me. / I did that with Ellison... I was out for a week. / I did that with Sinacori... ended up in the second row.

Tony · Alex:He'll kill you. / I want him.

Tony:It would have knocked out a rhinoceros.

Unknown Character · Tony:He's fighting you?

Tony:We got a 50-50 chance on a sure thing.

Tony:You bet on painters?

Tony:I hate him.

Tony · Louie:But there's only one seat left in the front. Not for long.

Tony:Way to go, Louie.

Louie · Tony · Bobby:Yike! Whew! How did that get in here? Yuck! Ugh!

Tony:Oh, no! That's not fair! That's not... God, why, God?

Tony:Tony claims having a guy who went to school with Leonard Nimoy as a celebrity fare

Tony:What's-his-name.

Louie · Tony:Louie: 'I don't think you're a dumb boxer.' Tony: 'You don't, Lou?' Louie: 'No. I think you're a bad boxer. I think you're a dumb person.'

Tony · Eric Sevareid:Tony recognizes Eric Sevareid and calls the conference 'The Gathering Of Smart Guys'

Tony:Tony: 'It must be tough coming up with opinions all the time. I know... I come up with one myself every now and then. Makes my head hurt.'

Tony:Tony's solution to world conflict: 'Let the leaders of these countries put on the gloves and go a couple of rounds. The match I'd like to see is Carter-Castro. Castro's got the weight on him. You know, but Jimmy's wiry, and he does a lot of roadwork.'

Tony:Tony's solution to world hunger: 'Well, like all those fancy White House parties. Right? Instead of inviting all those rich people, invite some poor people. I mean, rich people can afford to feed themselves, right?'

Tony:You're no slouch yourself.

Tony:Tony: 'Hey, if I say two smart things, can I bring a date?'

Tony:Tony's confident response to debating Buckley, Kissinger, and Galbraith: 'We'll kick their butt.'

Tony:Tony's excitement: 'Well, at least I get to do my impression of him in person.'

Tony · Jim:I'm meeting you guys here for breakfast. They haven't played my cigarette yet.

Tony · Bobby:Bobby, I'd rather you wouldn't. Why not? Well, I mean, if you had a sister you wouldn't want a guy like you to meet her, would ya?

Tony:I doubt she's even a virgin anymore.

Tony:I want you to know I thought about it and it's okay with me if you want to go to bed with Monica.

Tony:I better warn you, this might lead to dinner.

Tony:Ah! What an icebreaker.

Tony · Monica:Your husband was your type. An Electrolux salesman with every allergy in the book who painted turtles for relaxation. You know, you always make so much of that one time he painted the turtle.

Tony:We all got our faults. I'm messy around the house. You fall for garbage.

Tony:The last girl Jim went out with lived in a forest and ate bark.

Tony:You don't think enough of me to go to bed with my sister.

Tony · Monica:No, I bat about .500. That's all right, honey. I don't get 'em all, either.

Tony · Bobby:Tony describes his mundane daily routine, then says he was 'thinking I had it made' when Bobby calls it depressing

Tony:Tony misunderstands that Alex gave his daughter an estate in Majorca as a wedding gift

Tony · Unknown character:Well, what about a stranger? Maybe she don't know any strangers. Boy, you got all the answers.

Tony · Kirk:Oh, yeah, what do you do? I'm an investment analyst. Wow... An invest... an investment analyst. Uh, small world. Why, are you an investment analyst? Nah, cabdriver.

Tony · Unknown character:He says you owe a towel fee from April. He's crazy. I didn't shower in April.

Tony:Oh, no? / [Long pause] No. / [Even longer pause] Oh, no, no, no, no...

Tony:The guy Elaine is going out with just made a pass at me

Tony · Bobby:What do you call one of them questions that didn't happen but you ask it like it really did? Hypothetical?

Latka · Tony:Hello, Tony. / Hello? / What's the matter? You're too sad to talk? / Okay, I do your part for you then. Hello, Tony. / Hello, Latka. How you doing there?

Tony:Well, he said my simplicity was engaging, and that we'd be wonderful together.

Tony · Alex:I can't be alone with him. I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about. He said that? No. I'm just assuming.

Tony:Alex, Elaine's heart is getting broken. You're having a great time here dancing.

Tony · Louie:I don't care what you say. I would never dance with that guy. No, not you, you little heartbreaker.

Tony · Unknown:I would never dance with that guy. / No, not you, you little heartbreaker.

Tony:Oh, Bob, Bob, come on. It's not the last job you're going to lose.

Tony:Go ahead and say it, Bobby.

Tony:Well, uh, how do you feel about answering? I could make up a question, you could answer it.

Tony:I was the guy that woke him up. Hey, Bobby, you think it's easy waking a guy up after he's slept 40 years?

Tony · Bobby:I don't think I want your agent. And why not? I mean, he hasn't exactly made you a star, you know.

Tony · Bobby:A girl I once dated said I was an Italian Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, I think the world is waiting for one of those.

Tony:Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I seen the Disney version.

Tony:Three poses for 50 cents.

Tony:No, but thanks for asking.

Tony:I'll give it a shot.

Tony:Yeah, okay. / Me, too.

Tony:Me, too.

Tony:I watched George C. Scott eat a jelly doughnut. Then they fired me.

Tony:He used words like 'wrong interpretation' and 'artistic differences,' 'over my dead body...'

Tony · Bobby:Just 'cause I got canned. / Wow.

Tony:But I got to tell you something, I hope they don't expect me to bail them out every time.

Tony · Jim:I kept on being awakened by the growls of some big, hairy animal. There it is again. Wake up, Jim.

Tony:There ain't an animal around here. Maybe word got out that I'm around.

Tony:Now they can take our bodies down the mountain in a toboggan.

Tony:If you would have gotten a pineapple commercial we'd be in Hawaii now... eating!

Tony:If it's 4:00, I get to suck the fish bones again.

Tony:I been hunting for a big ugly moose. I ain't shooting no little birdie.

Alex · Tony:That's mine! Save some for me!

Tony:Bobby Wheeler is turning into a gazelle... Elaine Nardo is in the chamber of horrors... Here's the weirdest thing of all. I'm standing here in the garage on my day off.

Tony:And I came in here just because I wanted, uh... some more cookies... Hey, Lou! There's something wrong with these cookies.

Louie · Tony:Look at Banta, here. He's eaten a billion of them. There's nothing the matter with him. Tony, how you feeling? / I'm fine.

Tony:Whoo! / Sixteen.

Tony:That's 'A Man Standing in Garage.'

Tony:There isn't any Norman Zelnick.

Bob · Tony:'Wednesday, lunch, Liza.' Minnelli. Doesn't say. Got to be.

Party guests · Tony:Hey. It's the Andrews Sisters. Hey. You guys look great. How'd you know it was us?

Jim · Tony:I've heard he was always good to Tonto. I was getting to that, Jim.

Alex · Tony:What makes them so special? I know exactly what you're saying, Alex. And I bet there's plenty of famous people that nobody even knows about.

Tony · Bob · Alex as Andrews Sisters:♪ Bei mir bist du schön ♪ Please let me explain ♪ 'Bei mir bist du schön' means that you're grand ♪

Tony · Elaine:Does she, have, uh... frizzy blonde hair, granny glasses and smoke French cigarettes? No. Well, if you run into somebody like that, I'd like to meet her.

Tony:Well, I guess my memory's okay then.

Tony:I usually don't unless they've been especially nice.

Tony:Who else you know rakes in five dollars a second?

Tony:Well, it depends what you mean by knockout. I mean, uh, sometimes I'm just taking a rest, and the ref is counting real fast...

Tony · Dr. Webster:All you did was ask me my name. Yeah, but you gave me the wrong answer. But once you told me what it was, I recognized it.

Tony:A lot of guys yelled at me to get out of the ring. Some of them might have been doctors.

Tony:I'd like a shot at him.

Tony:I been knocked out more times than I can remember.

Tony:Oh, the glamour's part of it.

Tony:Oh, the glamour's part of it.

Tony · Martinez:I'll pay you $1,000 if you don't hurt my face. Give me five. All right! I mean dollars. Okay.

Tony:Me llamo Kid Rodriguez. Kid Rodriguez, me llamo. Hola.

Tony:You lost weight.

Tony:You think I'm quitting with a record like that?

Tony:La cucaracha, man.

Tony:el stopo

Tony:I'm going to get together all the money I made in boxing all these years, buy myself a new suit.

Tony:You look that bad in the morning, huh?

Tony · Bobby:I thought that was Desire Under The Yum Yum Tree. / That's another good one, Ton.

Tony · Bobby · Tony:Don't seem like you been gone a month. / I've been gone a week. / That feels right.

Tony · Bobby · Tony:You try anything on her, and I'll kill you. / This is Elaine we're talking about, remember? / Elaine, you try anything on him, and I'll kill you.

Alex · Tony:The man's a hound. / Yeah, anywhere, anytime, anything with a pulse.

Alex · Tony · Tony:You think they heard us? / No, I don't think so. Do you? / Hell, yes. Me, too.

Tony:Well, if not, could you please give her my phone number?

Bobby · Tony:Louie's still coming on to the new cab driver, huh? Yeah. I don't know how any woman can resist him, you know?

Tony · Bobby:Score. Score.

Tony · Jim:That's because you don't have a great pair of legs. Yeah, but Louie don't know that.

Tony:Yeah, well... that sounds a lot longer than it really is.

Tony:Yeah. They got to be legal though, Bobby.

Tony:Hey, I'd like to see that. What time do they shoot off the cannon?

Tony · Bobby:Hey, Bob, that was... A disaster. No, Bobby. The play stinks. I stink.

Tony · Bobby:Yeah, I guess it feels that way, huh? No, Darwin is 40 years older in Act Two.

Tony:I mean, in that second act, you were sweating like a pig. I've never, never, never seen anybody sweat like that. That's what I call talent.

Tony:Right, and you thought you stunk!

Tony:'Cause you owe 300 bucks.

Tony · Father:Father, isn't it illegal and a sin to bet with a bookmaker, even with the spread? / 14 points.

Tony:Nah, nah, you don't understand. He only takes cash.

Tony:Well, as long as you don't put your faith in the Giants again.

Lou-Lou · Tony:Visual: Lou-Lou hands Tony the priest's watch as payment

Latka · Tony:In my country, they wear nothing. [...] No skates. [...] No ice. Gravel.

Latka · Tony:No skates. / What do they do, slide around the ice? / No ice. Gravel.

Latka · Tony:You call my-my stupid stuff is stupid stuff? Yeah. I think is not. I think your stupid stuff is stupid stuff, and you calling my stuff is not stupid stuff.

Latka · Tony:Latka draws a low card and loses the bet to stay quiet, then immediately starts celebrating how great it will be not to hear from Tony

Latka · Tony · Alex:Latka repeatedly tries to communicate while under his vow of silence, getting increasingly frustrated

Tony:I want you to see the Sistine Chapel just the way Michaelangelo saw it.

Tony:Tony's comically wrong attempt at basic multiplication: 'three-sixty-five times two, carry the seven'

Tony:Tony: 'Um, they don't ask this kind of stuff on college applications, do they?'

Tony · Tommy:Tommy: 'Seven dollars and thirty cents.' Tony: 'Sure, you went to college.'

Tony:Tony: 'In my high school, they didn't even teach aptitude'

Tony:Tony's yearbook: 'That's what it said under my picture in the yearbook'

Tony:It'll never work. He brings his own lunch.

Tony:Tony's panicked reaction to jury duty - 'Oh, no! No! Ah, why me?'

Alex · Tony:Alex offering to trade talking to his father for Tony's jury duty

Tony:Tony's residence length answer: 'About 30 feet' instead of time duration

Tony:Charisma does not have jelly in the middle.

Tony:Is... is this a trick question?

Tony:Is... is this a trick question?

Tony:Well, my Italian's a little rusty, Alex, but she said... I think she said, uh, her son's acting like a jackass. Or... Or else he's acting like an asparagus?

Tony:No, it's probably jackass.

Tony:He's walking his soap.

Tony:You do that until your hand is like a raw cutlet.

Tony:Next time I'll give jump rope.

Tony · Alex:I'm at the crossroads of my life and I'm a little scared... and you're standin' here with this goofy grin on your face.

Tony:Commie judges.

Alex · Tony:That's silly. Silly? Okay. Thanks a lot, Alex. You bet. Ow!

Tony:I don't think there's time for that, Tom.

Tony:Thanks for the 'Mr. Banta.'

Tony:Banta Management... Oh, it was personal.

Tony · Terry:So what'd you tell 'em? I went for the veal.

Tony · Terry:Well, I don't want 'em here. I already got 'em tickets.

Tony:like I had a albacore hangin' around my neck.

Tony:Don't say ootch! Get him.

Dr. Frazier · Tony:How about $5,000? That's plenty.

Tony:What a guy.

Alex · Tony:Where do you want to eat? How about Mario's? Perfect.

Tony · Louie:You know, I'm still gonna have to, uh, testify against you. Give me that! You got 4-13, the widow maker.

Unknown character · Tony:I think he means you, Tony. Get out of here.

Tony · Louie:I think it sounds like fun. That's my boy.

Tony:You enlist in the Army and you spend a year of your life in Vietnam.

Tony:It's three to one, Louie.

Tony:I can't do it, Louie.

Tony:See, Louie? It's no fun pretending everybody's dead.

Latka · Tony:Latka guessing exactly right about the beach ball being 'Red, green, yellow and blue'

Latka · Tony:Latka correctly guessing the price: 'About ten dollars'

Tony · Latka:Tony asking about the saleslady's height and Latka guessing 'Five foot three' then Tony's frustrated 'Not even close, Mr. Know-It-All'

Latka · Tony:Latka and Tony both claiming to be Bobby's best friend

Jim · Tony · Alex:Guess I told him, didn't I? You sure did. I just hope he had it coming.

Alex · Tony:So what's the new job? I'm gonna be a chauffeur.

Tony · Christina:Mrs. Longworth? Miss. Oh, you can call me Christina. And you're? Very grateful.

Tony:If there is, I can't see it from here.

Tony · Christina:And which do you prefer, uh, Christina or Peggy? Tony, Peggy is a nickname for Margaret. My nickname is Tina.

Tony:Hey, you, suck eggs! I'm sorry. I mean, uh... I mean, uh... I mean, exercise some caution, will you, fellow?

Tony:No, no, I can't see nothing from here. Yeah, but I met some real important people. Well, I don't want to brag, Alex. Well, but just to mention a few... The governor's chauffeur, the mayor's chauffeur.

Doug · Tony:What will you do when you ask me to leave and I don't? What, then, jerk? I don't know. I guess I'd break your face.

Tony:That settled it.

Tony:Oh, I wasn't worried. I mean, size isn't nearly as important as ability. You know, I was a professional boxer. I've been beat up by guys half his size.

Tony:I win on a TKO. Manzo can't come out of his corner 'cause I'm making him nauseous. That was a joke.

Tony:You know, in his prime, he was considered one of the best middleweights of all time. But by the time I fought him, he was 43. I mean, his reflexes were off, his timing was bad, his punches were weak. With a couple of breaks, I might have beat him. That one was serious.

Tony:How about that? All these years of boxing finally paid off. I have amusing anecdotes.

Tony:These could've been the greatest dates of my life if they had been dates. I'm never going to have better dates than these, and I never had these.

Tony:She's the classiest lady I ever met. She's like a princess, she's like a goddess, she's like a Vegas showgirl.

Tony:When was the last time you ended an evening by telling your date to wax the car?

Elaine · Tony:Oh, it was a beautiful spring day. I fell in love with him that afternoon. Yeah? How'd it turn out? Oh, not so good. I married him.

Tony:Oh, yeah, the prison guard.

Tony · Jim:Yikes! This don't even rhyme. That's right, I was hoping it did.

Tony:The first time my heart was broken was in the ninth grade, and I got over it. A couple of years ago.

Tony · Latka:Oh... I can't tell you how many times I've had something like that happen. Talk to me. Okay. She says the other man was Vic. Talk to Alex.

Tony · Jim:Hey, Jim, you're speaking French. / Moi?

Tony:I know, I came here years ago when they only had one brick wall.

Jim · Tony:That's that place with the great nude beaches, right? Yeah, but they got spiders this big.

Tony · Jim:Cowlick? I'll try anything.

Tony:Uh, is it a volleyball?

Tony:It might be worth a shot.

Louie · Tony:Even you can take a hairdresser. Was he big?

Tony · Lucius:You mean, you'd work out with a washed-up has-been? / No, but I'd work out with you if you'd stop talking like that.

Tony · Lucius:Where were you when I was still fighting? / Why? Weren't you in good shape then? / Oh, yeah. I was rock solid. You should have heard the thud when I hit the canvas.

Tony:I don't know what you're getting at here, but I swear, I'm not the least bit attracted to you.

Tony:Oh. Phew!

Tony:I'm not laughing.

Tony:I'm still not laughing.

Tony:Hey, I ain't spoiling this party. No matter what they tell me, I'm telling you that I got my license back.

Tony · Alex · Elaine:I really did get my license back! / Yeah, we know, Tony. / I mean it! / Yeah. / I know what I said, but I mean... / It's okay, Tony. / I really got my license back. / Yeah, sure, Tony.

Tony · Alex:Hey, if I'm lying, you could punch me right in the face. / He got his license back.

Tony:Not a cheerleader? That's putting it lightly.

Tony · Alex:Well, I don't count the Capasso fight. That was a bad decision. / He knocked you out. / Oh, I mean the decision to fight him.

Tony · Alex:Don't worry, Alex. I think that punch took a lot out of him. / Yeah.

Alex · Tony · Lucius:The towel won't go. / Lucius! / Not you, him!

Tony:What crowd? They hate me. They're here for him. I've never been cheered for in my life.

Tony:You helped me get through puberty.

Tony · Jack:Flatten the bum. / What? / Flatten him. / Oh, that makes more sense.

Jack · Tony:Why would go out and flatter someone you were gonna fight? / Psychological ploy? / Oh, I guess if he's wearing a particularly nice pair of shorts, it couldn't hurt to mention it.

Tony:Gee, no wonder Jack didn't want you to talk to me. You're so discouraging.

Tony:Are they right very often? / Oh, wait, don't tell me, man. This could shake my confidence.

Tony · Frank:Hey, you know, you're the kind of guy that gives Italians a bad name. / I'm not Italian. / Well, do they know you're doing this?

Tony:Better manager? What do I need a better manager for? I got you, Jack. When it comes to training fighters, you wrote the book, bud.

Tony · Jack:How about, how about running for stamina? / I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but, uh, that's older than jumping rope.

Tony · Jack:How about improving the speed of my punches by shaving my forearms? / You mean, my wind resistance theory?

Jack · Tony:I'm gonna be with you all the way, in spirit. / What do you mean 'in spirit'? I mean, ain't you gonna be in my corner?

Tony:Yeah, well, I'm glad you're gone. I don't need your help anyway. I don't need nobody's help. I'll win this fight alone with nobody's help.

Tony:Hey, I feel sorry for you, man. You're fighting an angry man with a cause.

Tony · Wilkes:You're going down hard tonight, man. / Tony Banta don't take no dives for nobody. / I know, man. That's why they got me to take the dive.

Tony · Wilkes:You're a disgrace! / I know, man, but tag me a good one so I can go down, okay?

Tony · Wilkes:No, man, I don't want no part of this. / Come on, man, I need the dough!

Tony:How do you live with yourself?

Tony:Think you should wait. Think you should hang in there, stay cool, and sooner or later, even though he says he's not going to, Alex is gonna tell you what to do.

Tony:And half the football team

Tony:I hit her, I hit her

Tony · Alex:The Yanks lost another one? Would I be this upset just 'cause the Yanks lost another game? Double-header? To Seattle.

Tony:The domino theory. You see, Steinbrenner ruins the spirits of the Yanks, they lose. Their fans become depressed and irritable... Before you know it, OPEC is raising its prices, and there's another war breaking out in South America.

Tony:I just heard the Russians launched another killer satellite. Steinbrenner.

Tony:What about George Steinbrenner? Is a man competent that would let Reggie Jackson go to the Angels? That would go through four managers in one year?

Tony · Elaine:Tony breaking down the wrong apartment door first

Tony · Others:Tony asking people to stand behind each other because his neck hurts

Tony · Elaine · Louie:You think maybe you could stand one behind the other? Oh, sure. Oh, thanks.

Tony:Sometimes I think they take advantage of me.

Jim · Tony:Something terrible has just happened. What?! I've forgotten why I'm doing this.

Alex · Tony:How do you tell 'em apart? They're numbered.

Angie · Tony:I just came in to have the barnacles scraped off my butt. / Oh, no, Dad, what happened?

Tony · Angie:It's not funny. / You had to be here. / You'd have roared.

Tony:I don't know, but it's laminated.

Tony:Ever since I was five... till I was 11.

Tony:I just learned how to use my Mr. Coffee.

Tony:That's my father, Alex. You don't say no to your father.

Tony:Would you kill me?

Tony:It's also going to look a lot like the international date line you made me get up to see.

Tony:What the hell are you looking at?

Tony:That's the way I'm starting to feel about women.

Tony · Angie:I might've even understood. / No kidding? / Hmm. / You're telling me.

Fergie · Tony · Angie:I don't even know what a sea chantey is. / It's a song about the sea. / 'New York, New York'? / Perfect.

Tony · Fergie:New York, New York? Perfect.

Tony:Perfect.

Tony · Angie:No, that comes later. What's the matter with you? / No, no, we did vagabond shoes.

Tony:There's nothing floating in my drink.

Tony:But I tell you, I never thought I could make 'hell of a sailor.'

Tony · Angie:I didn't graduate. / Oh, good.

Tony:This is better than Brooklyn.

Tony:You know how I know when I've had too much to drink? / When's that? / I always wind up in a tattoo parlor.

Tony:So tonight, I want you to cut me off before I... uh-oh. We're in a tattoo parlor.

Tony:Go live in a cave?

Tony:If we sober up, we won't do it.

Tony:No, I got 165, Jim! 165! What was I thinking of?

Jim · Tony · Elaine:I feel about this big. Jim, you were off by three. Oh, go ahead, lady, rub it in.

Tony:Anyway, uh, a chinchilla coat costs thousands of dollars, so I'm on easy street as soon as those little guys start to shed.

Tony:and Rocky One, Rocky Two, Rocky Three, and Toots and Joey and Groovy...

Alex · Tony:Tony, Tony! You named all of them? I had to have something to put on their bowls.

Jim · Tony · Jim:When I was a reverend, I used to wear a robe myself, but it didn't look like that. What-What did it look like? This.

Tony · Zifka:So, what are you going to do first? Slouch. At the monastery, they are such sticklers for posture.

Zifka · Elaine · Zifka · Tony:Do you dance? Yes. I thought so. The man is a smoothie.

Tony · Latka:Well, your cousin Zifka! Oh, that's right! Well, maybe he needs just a little bit of encouragement to play the gruck!

Tony:He was telling me great things about being a child psychiatrist, and I was telling him great things about being a neighborhood guy.

Tony:I'm going to be a little bit late. I love to touch her all over when she's like this.

Tony:Jim, I think she said oboe lessons, not hobo lessons.

Tony:That's when his trunks usually start falling down.

Tony:Gregory is a wimp.

Tony:You needed a shower when you got here.

Tony:I should have been a lawyer.

Tony:Look how good it healed.

Tony:You're welcome.

Tony:You son of a gun, you!

Tony:Oh, no, no, no, no...

Tony:I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about.

Tony:No, I'm just assuming.

Tony:It's okay with me.

Tony:Alex, Elaine's heart is getting broken and you're having a great time here, dancing.

Tony · Opponent:The new champ demanding the loser's belt as a prize

Tony · Unknown:Fork over that championship belt. / I lost it. / Then give me your belt.

Elaine · Tony:Elaine refusing to arm wrestle with emphatic 'No!' responses

Tony:What's left, I'll use to cover my steering wheel

Alex · Tony:Alex, this is a girl. I'm going to tear her arms off

Elaine · Tony:you are never going to live it down... I ain't losing this time, 'cause last time I was tired

Tony:Tony's series of excuses (tired, rough night, skipped lunch) leading to backing down

Tony:I had, like, a rough night last night... And I skipped lunch... Keep, keep the belt

Tony · Alex:The stamp commemorates goat cheese

Tony:Hey, she really does speak French

Tony:You know what? I think it's his boyish insecurity. It's got to be. There's nothing else.

Tony:Are you kidding, Alex? The kids got to love him. He's like Yoda.

Tony:You mean, with a color photo in Boxing Monthly?

Tony:No matter where we are, it could be the crummiest, sleaziest joint, she fits right in.

Tony · Vicki:You're gonna go see your mother first. Oh, Vicki. No, Tony, I missed my period.

Tony:Gee, I guess nothing's foolproof, huh?

Tony · Louie:Yeah, I wanna drive, man. Give me a cab. Sorry, all out.

Tony:It came from me. I'm right here. You lose!

Tony:You're not all here, Jim.

Tony:I'd rather talk to this pretzel.

Tony:The guy sounds like a lush. How's he keep his license?

Tony:Oh, but if we use him, we gotta use his monkey.

Tony:And, uh, if that was a pep talk, you did just as good as Alex.

Tony:No, and I think I got a loose filling now over here.

Tony:No, and I think I got a loose filling now over here.

Tony:Hey, Leo, you know what's wrong with you? You're a crummy manager!

Vicki · Tony:That's supposed to be a proposal? In most countries, it is.

Tony:Hey, Alex, how do you know? How do you know when the woman comes along that you want to love for the rest of your life?

Alex · Tony:Well, that's a question for a wiser man than I. Hmm, you're right. I'll go see if I can catch up to Leo.

Tony:So is the dry cleaners and we never eat there.

Tony:PU!

Tony:Takes me back to the good ol' days when I used to sleep at the zoo.

Jim · Tony:Today, some guy came in to use the telephone. He didn't have any ID, so I kicked him out. / Well, better safe than sorry.

Tony · Jim:Well, why don't you try a wet T-shirt contest? / I had one.

Tony:Can the one person I give this money to, can it be one of my kids?

Walt · Tony:You haven't got a phone! I meant from the sidewalk. I do have a window.

Tony:You can't tell how blue the Ponderosa sky is or how green the trees are, or even what shade of brown Little Joe's horse is.

Tony:Don't start getting teary on me now. You know, the color's gonna look blurred.

Latka · Tony:You know, this-this feels like this is a nice way of you saying that our parties stink. A very nice way.