Shut It Down 1

Tony:The emergency brake, it's for parking! You put the car in park, you pull the emergency brake. It's not for driving emergencies!

Alex:Tony, the emergency brake is—

Tony:It's right there in the name, Alex. 'Emergency brake.' Not 'emergency while you're driving brake.' Emergency. Brake. Two separate things.

Alex:That's not... you know what, never mind.

Louie:Safety issues? What safety issues? You guys are always complaining. You know what I'm worried about? My cage. Somebody's gotta protect me from you animals out there.

Louie:An ugly mob? These guys ARE an ugly mob.

Unknown driver:You're an ugly mob.

Louie De Palma:Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not a two-bit hack who couldn't get a real job, so I gotta drive a cab for a living!

Louie:Alright, alright, I hear you. You want safer cabs? Fine. I'm gonna take action. Real action.

Louie:Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna personally inspect every single cab in this garage.

Louie:I'm gonna check the brakes, the tires, the wipers... I'm gonna make sure every vehicle is in tip-top shape.

Louie:You know what? I'm even gonna wash 'em. How's that?

Louie:A report? A report isn't enough!

Louie:I need action. I need results. I need something that'll actually solve this problem.

Louie:You know what? Forget the report. Just give me a memo instead.

Louie:Go blow-dry your face.

Louie:You guys can huff and puff all you want, but you're not blowin' down this door. I built it outta bricks.

Louie De Palma:Mwahahaha!

Louie:unless, of course, Nardo wants to beat them out of me.

Driver:Wait, you're saying Jim Petty is our shop steward? That doesn't make any sense. He doesn't even know what a union is!

Driver 2:Well, somebody's gotta do it.

Driver:Yeah, but Jim? The guy can't even remember his own phone number. Last week he thought he was playing hockey. He showed up to the garage with roller skates and a stick.

Louie:Oh, I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified of your organization. You know what scares me? The fact that you guys don't even know who your shop steward is. That's what keeps me up at night.

Tony Banta:You know that red-headed guy who works weekends? The one with the curly hair?

Louie De Palma:Yeah, what about him?

Tony Banta:Nothing. I just wanted to see if you knew who I was talking about.

Tony:I got elected shop steward. I'm gonna get this place running like clockwork. Better wages, better hours, better working conditions. I'm gonna walk in there and demand respect.

Louie:Tony, you're gonna get clobbered.

Tony:Louie, don't worry about me. I know how to handle these corporate types. I'm gonna be reasonable, but firm. They're gonna listen to me because I got the whole garage behind me.

Bobby:Yeah, Tony. We're right behind you. About three blocks behind you.

Tony:Okay, okay, one foot in front of the other. That's it. Left foot. Now the right foot. You can do this, Tony. Just keep moving. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot.

Louie:You know, Tony, this is a very fancy executive restaurant. The kind of place where important businessmen eat.

Louie:I think you belong here now.

Louie:You know who was in here last night? Muhammad Ali's sparring partner from 1974.

Tony:Really?

Louie:Yeah, he's been in a coma ever since.

Louie:We got a new drink at the restaurant. It's called 'The Sunrise.' You take vodka, orange juice, and a splash of grenadine. It's beautiful—the colors blend together like a painting. The way the light hits the glass, it's almost poetic.

Louie:Of course, the guy who invented it was drunk and threw up in the sink, but that's not the point.

Tony:Alex, I just realized something. Louie completely played me. I walked right into it.

Alex:Yeah.

Jim:We need a new shop steward after Tony's failure.

Driver:But Tony has experience.

Jim:That's exactly the problem—his experience is in failing!

Jim:I'm gonna grab a coffee. Anyone want anything?

Others:Jim! Where are you going? Elaine's about to tell us how the negotiation went!

Jim:I'll be right back. This will just take a minute.

Jim:(returning an hour later) So what did I miss?

Louie:A strike?! Fie! This is a disaster! A catastrophe! My beautiful garage! My precious cabs! How will I survive without squeezing every last penny out of you people?!

Louie:I can't find qualified replacement drivers anywhere!

Louie:Hey kid! You with the papers! You wanna drive a cab?

Newspaper Boy:Sure, mister!

Louie:You're hired!

Louie:Alright, listen up. First thing you gotta know about drivin' a cab: this is the steering wheel. You turn it left, you go left. You turn it right, you go right.

Louie:These are the pedals. The one on the right makes you go faster. The one on the left makes you stop. Don't mix 'em up or you're gonna have a bad time.

Louie:And this here is the meter. Every time it clicks, the customer pays more money. That's the best part of the job.

Louie:Now, when somebody waves at you from the street, that means they want a ride. Pick 'em up. That's how you make money. Simple.

Louie:Any questions? No? Good. You start tomorrow. Try not to crash into anything.

Louie:Alright, listen up. I'm gonna teach you the fundamentals of driving in this city. First rule: when the light is green, you go. When it's red, you stop.

Louie:When it's yellow, that means hurry up and go through before it turns red.

Louie:One-way streets? You go one way. Not the other way.

Louie:The big metal thing in front of the car? That's the hood. The big metal thing in back? That's the trunk. Keep 'em closed while you're driving.

Louie:Oh, and here's an advanced technique: if another car is coming at you, move out of the way.

Louie:Machine's broken. I fixed it.

Louie:You want coffee? Drop a quarter in the slot like everybody else.

Louie:Bob, I got you a movie audition. Tomorrow at two o'clock.

Bob:Tomorrow at two? That's great, Louie!

Louie:Yeah, well, don't get too excited.

Bob:Why not?

Louie:Because it was yesterday at two o'clock.

Louie:What are you talking about? I'm running a business here. I got rules, regulations. A man's gotta have principles.

Bob:Principles? You deliberately hid that audition call!

Louie:That's right. And I'd do it again. You know why? Because a boss without authority is like a ship without a captain.

Louie:I'm prepared for this hearing. I've got my facts straight, my figures verified, and my records... let's just say I've creatively enhanced the documentation to reflect a more favorable accounting position.

Louie:Listen, Iggy, I need you to sign this form saying you worked a double shift yesterday.

Iggy:But I didn't work yesterday. I was home sick.

Louie:That's what makes it perfect. Just sign here.

Iggy:Okay, boss.

Louie:There. See? Now the records show you worked when you didn't. Beautiful.

Iggy:We did it! We won! The strike was a complete success!

Louie:Iggy, the strike failed. We got nothing.

Iggy:Nothing?! We got everything! We showed them we're united! We showed them we can't be pushed around! Today, the working man stands tall!

Bobby:Iggy, they didn't even negotiate with us.

Iggy:Negotiate? Who needs to negotiate?! We already won! From this day forward, let this be our battle cry: 'We demanded nothing, and we got it!'

Louie:Safety First picnic? What Safety First picnic?

Louie:I remember that picnic. Three-legged races, horseshoes, watermelon eating contest...

Louie:That was a beautiful day.

Alex:He's watching us.

Louie:The boss? When did he get here?

Alex:When you're under oath, you have to tell the truth.

Louie:The truth? I can't tell the truth! I'm a businessman!

Alex:Louie, you have to tell the truth in court.

Louie:Even if it incriminates me?

Alex:Especially if it incriminates you.

Louie:What kind of country is this? I thought this was America!

Alex:When you're under oath, you have to tell the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Louie:Under oath? What are you, crazy? I'm not going under anything! I'm an American!

Alex:You'll be lying to God.

Louie:So? God's in the garment business.

Louie:I swear to God, I didn't cheat that guy!

Louie:God understands — it's business.

Louie:Sister Mary Porchnik taught me in Catholic school.

Louie:You think you're better than everybody else with your holier-than-thou attitude.

Alex:Louie, I don't think I'm better than anybody. I just try to live by certain principles.

Louie:Principles? You're killing me with principles.

Alex:Judge not lest ye be judged, Louie.

Louie:Alright, alright, I'll meet your strike demands. But I want something in return.

Louie:I want you all to act out my fantasy. I'm a lonely man trapped in a tiny office, and you're all my beautiful secretaries who think I'm the most attractive man alive.

Elaine:So we're going to dinner, but we're not going to dinner together, right?

Elaine:You'll go to the restaurant at 7, I'll go at 7:15.

Elaine:We'll sit at separate tables, obviously.

Elaine:We can acknowledge each other with a nod.

Elaine:Maybe exchange a polite smile if the meal's going well.

Elaine:But we're essentially just two strangers who happen to be eating in the same restaurant at roughly the same time.

Louie:You wanna date my daughter? Fine. But I got conditions. You gotta pick her up at 8 o'clock sharp, you bring her home by 11, and you keep your hands to yourself.

Louie:And there's one more thing. I want three witnesses. My brother Sal, my cousin Vinny, and Father O'Brien from down at the church.

Elaine:Louie, I don't understand why you need a stallion. Can't we work something out?

Louie:No dice, Benes. You want the job? You get a stallion. That's the deal.

Elaine:But Louie, there has to be another way. What if I—

Louie:No. Stallion. Final answer.

Elaine:How could you do that? That's manipulation and it's wrong!

Louie:Wrong? Kid, wrong is a luxury. I'm running a cab company here, not a charm school.