Shut It Down 2

Louie:You're all a bunch of... of... yarn-knitting, sock-darning, button-sewing morons!

Elaine:You know, Louie, what you do is immoral. You manipulate people, you take advantage of them.

Louie:Yeah? Well, let me tell you something - I do it because it works, and it makes me money. That's it. No philosophy, no excuses.

Unknown:You know about the labor law legislation?

Tony:Oh, you mean Abbott and Costello?

Tony:Okay, okay, I got it figured out. We're doing a comedy duo bit, right? So listen - I'm pairing up historical figures. Washington and Jefferson, they're the straight men. Benjamin Franklin, he's the funny one - always making cracks about electricity.

Tony:Napoleon and Caesar, they got great timing together. One of them says something about conquering the world, the other one does a slow burn. The audience goes crazy.

Tony:And for the big finale - Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Lincoln does the setup about saving the Union, Washington delivers the punchline about wooden teeth. Kills 'em every time!

Jim:She's so nervous she bites her fingernails.

Jim:Now she's so anxious she's biting other people's nails.

Alex:With a nose like that, Jim, you could probably smell a steak being cooked in Staten Island.

Louie:Cruel Cavalier? That's a great aftershave.

Alex:Yeah, it's so strong, it works as insect repellent.

Louie:These pins are killing me. Why do they put so many pins in a new shirt?

Louie:I'm taking Phyllis to dinner tonight. I want to look sharp.

Louie:By the end of the evening, she's gonna be so impressed, she'll probably want to come back to my place.

Louie:We'll have some wine, put on some music... maybe she'll want to stay the night.

Louie:And in the morning, she'll make me breakfast in bed.

Alex:Oh, thank you, Louie. I've always wanted a flesh wound. It really completes my outfit.

Elaine:Oh my God, he's here! My hair looks terrible, my outfit is all wrong, and I have nothing to say to him!

Alex:So who is this other guy you're going out with?

Elaine:Oh, he's wonderful. He's a concert pianist. Very sensitive, very artistic.

Alex:A concert pianist?

Elaine:Mm-hmm. He has long, delicate fingers. He speaks five languages. He's written poetry. He collects first editions.

Alex:Elaine...

Elaine:And most importantly... he won't hurt me.

Alex:The last shop steward didn't have to date Louie either.

Alex:Shop stewards don't have to date Louie. Look at Stubby Detmuller.

Louie:Stubby Detmuller? That bum went dancing with me last Tuesday night.

Louie:Hi there, sweetheart. It's me, Louie. I'm here to pick you up for our date. I'm a short, bald, obnoxious little weasel with a big mouth and no manners, but I got a heart of gold and a lotta cash.

Elaine:Louie, could you please just hit me over the head with something?

Alex:A dispatcher? What kind of job is that?

Louie:I tell cabs where to go.

Alex:Well, you're a natural.

Alex:Louie, are your intentions honorable?

Louie:Honorable? I'm gonna treat her like a new car — I'm gonna get in, start her up, and drive her around the block a few times.

Louie:You know what I do every night before I go out? I bribe everybody. The doorman, the hat check girl, the waiter, the busboy. Everybody gets a little something.

Louie:That way, when I walk in anywhere, everybody knows me, everybody likes me, everybody treats me right.

Louie:Where are you going, the North Pole? You look like Admiral Byrd!

Alex:Louie, if you try anything with me, I'll kill you.

Louie:Yeah? Well, I'd die happy.

Louie:You'd have to catch me first.

Alex:That's okay. I've still got that aftershave you were wearing.

Elaine:I need to call my children. Can I use the phone?

Louie:Sure, go ahead. But make it quick.

Elaine:Thank you, Louie.

Louie:Tell them their Uncle Louie says hello.

Elaine:Goodbye, children. I'm going on a date. I may not return.

Elaine:If I'm not back by midnight, divide my things among yourselves. The good china goes to Melissa.

Louie De Palma:What? I'm just being friendly. You got a problem with that?

Louie:I've prepared some notes on how our conversation should go.

Elaine:Notes? You wrote out notes for a conversation?

Louie:It helps me stay focused. See, here's where you laugh, and here's where I make my move.

Elaine:You've got it all planned out like a script?

Louie:I even marked the pauses for effect.

Elaine:This is insane.

Louie:Listen to this. 'Children are a gift from God.' That's beautiful, ain't it? You know where that's from?

Louie:The instruction manual for my VCR.

Louie:His completely inappropriate pet name for Elaine

Louie:I can tango. My instructor was a woman with a mole on her left shoulder blade, a slight limp in her right leg, and she always smelled like cabbage.

Louie:Play a tango!

Louie:And make it snappy, you bunch of has-beens!

Louie:You had drinks before I got here?

Elaine:I mixed them with tranquilizers.

Louie:You can't mix alcohol and Valium! That's dangerous!

Elaine:That's exactly why I did it.

Louie:You spent forty bucks on dinner? Forty bucks! Do you know what I could've done with forty bucks?

Louie:Take off the dress.

Louie:I may be rough around the edges, but I got class. I got sophistication.

Louie:When I burp, I say 'excuse me.' When I pick my teeth, I use a toothpick instead of a matchstick. That's classy.

Elaine:They were clapping and cheering, it was amazing!

Elaine:You know, I hired them.

Elaine:Alright, Louie, I'll give you that kiss.

Louie:You will?

Elaine:Yes.

Louie:*leans in eagerly*

Elaine:*kisses him briefly, then pulls away*

Louie:*stumbles backward, dazed, trips over chair*