Alex Jumps Out Of An Airplane

Louie:I got a problem, and I need to talk to you guys about it.

Louie:I'm so bored, I got nothing to do. I'm so bored I gotta sit here and talk to you losers.

Louie De Palma:You see? The company can't run without me. Two minutes and already there's a crisis.

Alex Reiger:What's the crisis, Louie?

Louie De Palma:Mackenzie needs cigarettes.

Louie:Go ahead, laugh! I dare ya! You laugh at me, and I'm gonna send every cab in this garage to pick you up at the worst neighborhoods in the city at three in the morning!

Tony:Think of something sad. That'll keep you from laughing.

Banta:Yeah, like Louie's humiliation.

Banta:It was worth it.

Alex:I had this profound, life-changing experience. It fundamentally altered my perspective on existence itself. The very nature of consciousness, the ephemeral quality of human connection, the inexorable march of time...

Unknown driver:Did you get laid?

Alex:Well, how could I tell her? She had eyes like... like two perfect alpine ski slopes. I couldn't disappoint those eyes.

Alex:I was so scared my heartbeat was audible. People in the next room could hear it.

Alex:Then people down the hall heard it.

Alex:Pretty soon the whole lodge could hear my heartbeat.

Alex:By the end of the night, my heartbeat was the loudest sound in a three-mile radius.

Alex:I was too busy whimpering to talk.

Tony:Did you decide to jump?

Alex:Well, I might have accidentally fallen. It was very windy that day.

Alex:I remembered the TV ski jumping technique about keeping your chin over your ski tips.

Alex:Turns out I was upside down the whole time and couldn't even locate my own chin.

Alex:I was upside down and I couldn't find my chin!

Alex:So I climbed higher and higher, and now I'm so high up, I still can't find my chin!

Alex:Well, I started out in a regular dive position, then I went into a tuck, then a spread eagle, then I was doing the twist—I think I was doing the twist—then I turned into a giant snowball and rolled down the mountain.

Girl:That took real courage.

Alex:Courage? I was terrified the whole time.

Girl:That's what made it courageous.

Alex:I'll buy everyone a drink. After a story like that, I think we've earned it.

Bobby:What story? You just told us you started as a tiny snowflake and ended up as a giant snowball rolling down a hill.

Alex:Exactly. Isn't that inspiring?

Bobby:No, that's just what happens to snowballs.

Tony Banta:The thrill of boxing is the chance of humiliation.

Unknown driver:And the prospect of serious physical harm.

Bobby:Yeah, well, look at it this way. You get humiliated AND you get hurt. That's two for the price of one!

Alex Reiger:I'm going to face my fears and play that piano.

Unknown driver:You're going to ski jump off the piano?

Alex Reiger:Any requests?

Unknown patron:Yeah, do 'Being Alive.'

Tony:First thing, Alex, you gotta keep your guard up. I learned that the hard way when I fought Carmine 'The Knife' Battaglia in Atlantic City. He broke my nose in three places.

Tony:Second, always watch your opponent's feet. You can see the punch coming. I didn't do that once. Lost two teeth and spent six months eating through a straw.

Tony:Third, and this is important, never drop your hands. I dropped mine in a fight in Reno. The guy hit me so hard, I woke up three days later in a hospital in Nevada with no memory of how I got there. Turns out I'd been in a coma.

Tony:And finally, always have an exit strategy. Last time I didn't, I ended up married.

Alex:Yeah, well, that's what I call a wealth of experience.

Alex:Who could I spar with?

Tony:Not me. Last time you broke my ribs.

Alex:That's perfect! When can we start?

Tony:You gotta be careful with this guy. He's a professional fighter. Really dangerous.

Alex:Don't worry, Tony. I'll go easy on him.

Carl:Alex, do you actually want to fight, or are you just going to stand there?

Alex:Would a punch like that affect a good boxer?

Tony:A good boxer? This punch would knock out a rhinoceros!

Jim:I'm so drunk... I could swear I just saw a beer floating past me.

Unknown driver:Alex, you've been doing dangerous stunts all week. You know what? From now on, I'm gonna call you Evel Knievel... I mean, Evil Reiger!

Unknown driver:Alex, you've been doing some crazy things lately. What's gotten into you?

Alex Reiger:I don't know, I just felt like I needed to live a little.

Unknown driver:Live a little? Alex, you're acting like one of those guys in a beer commercial - you know, the ones who jump out of planes and wrestle bears before breakfast.

Alex Reiger:What's wrong with that?

Unknown driver:Nothing, except those guys are always unemployed.

Alex:Look at this magazine - 'Thrill Seekers.' They've got articles about skydiving, bungee jumping, all kinds of dangerous stuff.

Unknown driver:You want real thrills? Try taking a cab in New York during rush hour.

Louie:So Alex, you got good life insurance, right?

Alex:Why do you ask, Louie?

Louie:No reason, just thinking about your future security.

Unknown driver:Louie, you're like a snake that needs to shed its skin to grow.

Louie:What's that supposed to mean?

Unknown driver:It means you gotta get rid of something to survive.

Alex Reiger:Look at this!

Unknown driver:What? You're going to do that?

Alex Reiger:No, no, I was just pointing out—

Unknown driver:That's crazy! You'll get killed!

Louie:Sign here! And here! And initial here!

Louie:Go ahead, Alex. Take the jump. You're insured.

Alex:But Louie, what if something goes wrong?

Louie:Then we collect. Don't worry about it.

Driver:Uh, Louie? You realize you're the beneficiary on that policy, right?

Elaine:Wait a minute. Louie, you're his boss. If something happens to Alex, you inherit his shifts.

Skydiving instructor:I can't jump today. I hurt myself.

Skydiving instructor:Yeah, I was skydiving yesterday and I landed wrong.

Skydiving instructor:It's the most incredible feeling in the world! Nothing compares to it!

Skydiving instructor:Well, except for sex. But skydiving is a close second.

Alex:Bobby, could you wait until after I'm dead to hit on women?

Alex:I can't do it. I can't jump. I'm sorry, I just... I can't.

Louie:Come on, Alex! Jump! Think of all the people who believe in you!

Louie:Your life insurance policy is made out to me!

Louie:I'm not trying to force you to jump, Alex. I'm just saying, if you do jump, I hope you survive.

Alex:Louie, you have $10,000 riding on me jumping!

Louie:Yeah, well, I still hope you survive.

Louie:Alex, I want you to know that if anything ever happened to you, I'd be devastated. You mean the world to me.

Alex:Really, Louie? That's very touching.

Louie:Of course. You drop dead tomorrow, I lose forty grand a week in fares.

Bobby:Nobody will think less of you if you don't jump.

Alex:Yeah, but I will.

Bobby:You're still in the plane? You didn't jump?

Alex:Oh, I jumped all right. Metaphysically.

Alex:Physically, I'm still in the plane.

Alex:This is it! This is the ultimate thrill I've been seeking! I'm finally doing it!

Alex:Oh my God... I feel so alive... so free... so transcendent...

Alex:Wait... what's happening? Oh no... I'm gonna be sick...