Reverend Jim 'Iggy' Ignatowski

I know. I'm eating. / So you are. / No... I mean, I'm eating.

I hope I am, because the only thing I can think about is the fact that my hair is growing all the time.

I'd kill for a Twinkie.

I said, 'Have one.' Oh, you said, 'Have one'? I thought you said, 'Leave one.'

And nobody can stoop lower than you, De Palma. Thank you, my friend.

The tongue is mightier than the sword. / Talk like that's a good way to get your tongue cut off.

Even if I didn't know what it was, I went with it.

This is the most reading I've done in years. My brown eyes hurt.

I think that Cubby's got it in for me.

That'll be 90 cents.

Life is like... an ice cream cone. You got to eat it when you get it. That's right. Got to eat it fast. Because, if you don't, it's going to melt all over your hand and down your arm. That's no good. Do you want to go through life licking your arm?

You should listen to him. He knows what he talking about. Thank you very much. I knew I could help him. Yes, that was very nice what you did for him, Jim. Very nice. Well... Bobby's had it pretty rough. Trying to make it as a boxer, and raise the two kids...

We'll fight this thing together. I haven't had a chance to prove it, but I'm as good American as any man. / No, no, Jim, Jim, America is not involved in this one. / It is now.

No, no, Jim, Jim, America is not involved in this one. / It is now.

Death to the puppet regime! / But there is no puppet regime. / Who the hell are we fighting? / The tyrannical despot.

Once in, uh, '65, some friends of mine and I painted my place by dipping our heads in buckets and then painting with our hair.

I don't work weekends. You been gone nine days. Right. Jim. Weekends are only two days. Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.

Maybe he writes better than he looks, talks... is.

Sure. Is this you, Alex?

Couldn't find a poem? I couldn't find a library.

She only wants to know who wrote the poems because she doesn't know who wrote the poems.

She only wants to know who wrote the poems because she doesn't know who wrote the poems.

There are a lot of people in this world who think I'm a flake. Who thinks that? Me, for one.

Let's shake on it. We just shook on it. Oh, good.

Can you believe she fell for that? Hey, I fell for it, and I wrote them.

Y-You mean your head doesn't hurt and your tongue doesn't feel thick and grungy, and-and your body doesn't feel like it's been turned inside out? Yeah.

When I was with people, I was the life of the party, but I'd get home alone, all by myself, I'd clam up.

They're going away for the whole weekend. That's pretty serious... The two of them alone together for nine days.

I know a pill that would do it. But it has a terrible side effect. Like what? It wears off.

I was, uh, going to buy you a scarf, but I couldn't find a department store.

I was, uh, going to buy you a scarf, but I couldn't find a department store.

Hey, uh, I didn't have time for a moat.

Well, uh... your castle has about 150,000 miles on it.

Hey, how about, uh, I crash here for a year or so?

But you are the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person. / I think you're right.

Funny thing, there used to be a time when that was enough.

It must be hard on a guy like Louie, not having any friends to talk to when you're in trouble, you know? Yeah, well, who cares? Let's play.

All he needs to do is relax, rest his mind, get in touch with the oneness of the universe.

Ooommm.

It worked.

Jim looking for replacement for 'uh, uh, what do you call it?' 'Drugs?' 'No, thanks.'

Jim wants to bet on a man getting a vodka gimlet from a coffee machine

'Give him odds.' 'A hundred to one.' 'I can't pass that by.'

Guy orders vodka gimlet but it comes out as coffee, Jim still treats it as a thrill

Hey, Jim, I didn't mean to take your last dollar. - Then give it back. - Okay. - Thanks. - You're welcome.

Louie's loan has 85% interest and allows him to sell Jim's body for medical experiments while alive

'You mean after I'm dead.' 'No.'

Jim's naive responses to the loan shark scenario - he'll call the cops

The cop scenario reveals Jim's drug history and traffic violations, he corrects 'Five! Five lights!'

In the scenario, strange men took Jim's mama because he owes money

Priest says 'I don't do priests' when Jim wants to confess

Jim bet on a 300-to-1 shot named 'On Dasher' because he identifies with long shots

Jim spent all $10,000 and says he didn't go into any of the 84 bars between track and garage

Jim bought the horse and they threw in the saddle

Jim's reason for buying the horse - it won money for him so he returned the favor

The horse cost exactly what Jim had - 'How much you got?' 'And would you believe it? It was the same.'

Jim is giving the horse his freedom, Alex says 'He's a 300-to-1 shot. We can outrun him.'

Jim doesn't want to call the horse by his 'slave name' On Dasher, renames him Gary

'What's his new name?' 'Gary.'

I, uh... like your place, uh, Jim. - It's... it's you, Jim.

Jim's apartment was 'a fixer-upper' when he got it - but it's a condemned building

'When I first got it, it was a fixer-upper.'

Jim gets electricity from an extension cord to another apartment and hangs laundry on it so they don't notice

Jim likes living in condemned building because 'nothing can happen to it - what are they going to do, save it?'

Jim walks Gary in the park and 'those poodle people have stopped acting like they own the place'

Vet wants to examine Jim while looking at the horse

Jim uses his table as a nutcracker

Jim demonstrates violent nut-cracking technique

It's 'not true what they say about horses sleeping standing up'

Horse has been sleeping since 'the day before yesterday'

'I guess winning that race took a lot out of him.'

Jim refers to Gary being 'bred and raised to run' in the eulogy

Gary thought 'in his heart, he was still a two-year-old'

And Jim becau... Did I invite you?

No. I thought it was an oversight.

Okay, but I better warn you... I'm good at this.

Ready or not, here I come!

Did you hear the one about how many mountain people it takes... / Jim! / I think she's heard it.

Hey, Jim, it's a game for two guys. You know that. / Okay, I'll, uh... I'll just watch. / It makes me nervous when you watch, you know? / Okay, I'll close my eyes. / It throws my game off, like, even if you're in the same room... you know. / Okay, uh... I'll just stay here. / Fine. / Just as long as I'm included.

You're saying that if she doesn't tell him she's a mountain person and he finds out she's a mountain person, he's going to be upset. Not only because she's a mountain person, but because she didn't tell him she's a mountain person. / I have my moments. / Although it does cost me. / I think I'll go home and sleep for a while.

One day I caught him trying to plant a chicken.

Maybe it was just her way of saying, 'Welcome aboard.'

I nominate Tony. / Jim! Why would you want to nominate Tony?! / There's no substitute for experience.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Well, today, she started in on mine.

Did a beer just go by?

Where the hell did I learn that?

Hey, I can buy and sell Latka.

As luck would have it, we've got the same tie size.

My God, I know her! She's dyed her hair, but that's her.

Aliens want Jim because 'You don't understand why everybody wants jobs, why everybody wants to get ahead. You don't know what the point is, and you don't care.'

Jim's casual acceptance: 'Okeydoke.'

Okeydoke.

Jim to the aliens: 'Wow, you guys are funny looking.'

Wow, you guys are funny looking.

There will be soon. I put a quarter in the jukebox. No. You just put a quarter in the cigarette machine.

Well, Elaine, would you care to smoke?

I'm meeting you guys here for breakfast. They haven't played my cigarette yet.

I was born there.

It's been a long time since I've seen a dress from Spokane.

Except for the gong. You mean the gonnnnng? Yeah. You know it.

[Extended Vivaldi humming duet between Jim and Monica]

One of these days I got to get it together and go to the symphony. I'm pretty sure New York has one.

Well, you don't have to tag along. Maybe we could go together. Huh... I just got a rush.

Is this the bill already?

We can't have dinner together. Why not? I don't know. You didn't go into it.

My face grows hair very fast. I shave, and it seems like only a matter of days before it's back.

I don't have much hair on my body at all. Compared to my face, my skin is like a smooth baby pumpkin.

I didn't mean to talk erotic.

No. I just learned what I should order. Took me all day.

The hard part was phoning all over town trying to find a restaurant that serves that.

When I think of me, I smile, too. We're both thinking of me.

Thanks, Tony. I do feel a little better.

It's Chicago '68 all over again.

Well, my shorts are riding a little high. Otherwise...

We're on threads of hope, trying to weave us a basket.

And I think I've learned the most important thing of all: I love being lifted.

That's a lie. Not you, Jim... Elaine.

Hey, Alex, what's that for? For acting like a jerk. Why doesn't anybody ever tell me about these contests?

Well, I've been in the bathroom.

Yeah. You know... it was the '60s

Ikswotangi. Uh-oh. That's not even close to 'Star Child,' is it?

It's written in some strange language unknown on this planet.

That's okay. I didn't even hear it.

Jim, that's Bonanza. Oh, yeah.

You know, once a month like clockwork, I call him on the phone and hang up just so I can hear his voice say 'For the last time, who is this?'

Okay. Now, now, now let's not fight over this.

Boy, what are the odds of that happening?

I think he's a butler. I don't care what he does for a living. He's my father.

Lila, I'd like you to meet my brother, Tom-Jim.

But she never took off those white gloves.

For some reason, she used to call me Miss Scarlett. Jim, that's Gone With the Wind. Yeah... no use looking back on it now.

Jim, that's Gone With the Wind. Yeah... no use looking back on it now.

This could be my dad... or your dad.

You're bald.

Thought about a toup?

Well, what about the fat part?

Oh, yes! Now I remember. Everybody here was fat.

I don't love my brother, Alex. That's all right, Jim. I don't know why. He's almost as fat as my dad.

A typewriter seemed so impersonal.

Well, don't make it sound so terrible. How do you make that sound good? Well, drifting... You know, living on handouts. And getting stoned.

What do you feel? Full.

Okeydoke.

Like, I wonder about if you call an orange an orange why don't you call a banana a yellow? Or an apple a red? Well, you see, the point is, Mr. Caldwell... Now, blueberries make sense, but somebody explain gooseberries to me.

Give it all away to what's his name... The big guy with the curly hair. Your brother. Or him.

Good-bye, Dad.

And get his right phone number!

Who am I calling? / You mean, you weren't going to use the phone? / No, I was going to the bathroom.

I want primitive. I don't want any electricity, telephones... No conveniences. I've got just the place. Where? My apartment.

If it was so wonderful, why'd you leave? Uh... they traded me... for a couple of goats... and a, uh, and a Donovan album.

It's so quiet here you can actually hear yourself think. I can't hear anything.

I kept on being awakened by the growls of some big, hairy animal. There it is again. Wake up, Jim.

Where the hell am I? You're in the mountains. Oh, yeah? What are we, lumberjacks? No, we're cab drivers. Oh, I bet we don't do much business up here.

I know they're blue berries. What I'm saying is, they may not be blueberries. And while all blue berries are blue not all blue berries are blueberries. I've mistaken blue berries for blueberries.

Cabin fever.

I'm not thinking about cheeseburgers. I'm not thinking about pork chops. I'm not thinking about pot roast. I'm not thinking about Twinkies.

Hey, you know something? I'm full.

It's a turkey. Ernie? Ernie's a turkey? Well, doesn't he look like an Ernie?

Lord, we know this bird was one of Your miracles. No easier to create than a billion stars or a single grain of sand. And if we hadn't gotten so hungry, Your faithful servant Alex here would never have snuck up on it and blown its brains out.

Lord, we know this bird was one of Your miracles. No easier to create... than a billion stars or a single grain of sand. It was a truly magnificent creature, Your Honor.

And if we hadn't gotten so hungry, Your faithful servant Alex here... would never have snuck up on it and blown its brains out...

So how was your trip? / Ah, great. Omaha is lovely this time of year. / I thought you were hitchhiking to Washington. / I did too, but I ended up in Omaha.

I must have used the wrong thumb.

It's great to be back!

You didn't happen to run into your brains while you were out there, did you? / No, but I wasn't really looking.

They got a nice little surprise inside.

Peru, I believe. / Southern Peru. / '74, before the rains. / Poignant, but not overbearing.

Well, if you chew them for a while you get a feeling of euphoria, increased energy, strength and stamina. It's also rumored to heighten your sexual desires. And it makes you see beauty in the most repulsive things.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most adorable ear?

When did they put that in here?

Can he hear us in there?

Okeydoke.

I picked up a touch of that in Mexico one summer.

I may be slow, but once I catch it, it sticks.

Bobby, when the hell are you going to get this thing out of here?

I'm always finding stuff people leave behind... Old magazines, gloves, meat... Not good meat... chewy.

I look wigged out, huh?

I've heard he was always good to Tonto. I was getting to that, Jim.

You could take him a fish.

Boy, I know that feeling.

Blue? I'd like a blue thing to keep me from sticking. It's my favorite color.

No, but he sure was a good listener.

I love Chinese restaurants.

And, besides, the bull doesn't stand a chance.

if you put on your shoes last, it won't be so hard pulling your pants on over them.

Driver asks if Plaza Hotel is in New York, then passengers want another cab

You picked us up at the airport... Here we are, gentlemen. The airport.

What was my best night? You once broke $12.

A handshake would have done it, boss.

Us old-time New Yorkers still like to refer to it as Sixth Avenue. Old habits die hard.

On your right, you'll notice a group of nuns going into Radio City Music Hall. It's... By the way, it's a bit nippy out there today.

Sir, if providing comfort, service and satisfaction to my customers is strange then you can call me a freak. Thank you. You're a freak. Thank you.

Fifteen dollars?! I was only kidding, boss. Ah! Oh! That one's on you, boss!

By the way, do you spell your name with one 'O' or two? One. I'll get it right next time, Booby.

It's been under the blanket so long, I forgot.

Good man, Booby.

What am I... nuts?

Delawinians didn't stand a chance.

You mean horses swim? They not only swim, they hold their breath forever. They play the whole game and never come up for air.

If something really important happens anywhere in the world... Night or day... You can always change the channel.

Sometimes, I can't find mine for days.

Did you look over in Brooklyn? That's usually where mine turns up.

Jim, your apartment is in Brooklyn. / Again?

Orgies where anything goes. People wandering around naked in public places. Sex that means no more than a handshake on the street.

Call me corny, but I miss those things.

That's because you don't have a great pair of legs. Yeah, but Louie don't know that.

Have you ever noticed... that when you put the pencil behind your ear it tends to slither out when you go around sharp curves?

Voila.

Do you know how many jelly beans I can hold in my mouth at one time?

Well, I'll have to find out somewhere else.

Really? Did they get you on drugs? No. I was already on drugs.

What's what?

who got her cat's head stuck in her mouth?

Did the lady get the cat's head out of her mouth?

Well, I know a cat and a lady who care plenty.

Ha! You crazy guy. Charles Darwin, eh? Loony!

Mr. Carbuncle? My name's Jim Ignatowski.

Is he the playwright?

What was that? / I didn't like it.

I, uh... I'm your-name-here, but you can call me nickname.

I did it, I got in!

more than... something else.

A book? / Oh, yeah, yeah... I didn't get the vacuum job. I'm selling encyclopedias.

Hey... what is it we do? We're cab drivers, Jim. Ah, come on. No, really. Wow!

Everybody's beating time with his woman. First Bobby, and now that jerk.

Hey, Jim, how you doing? Uh, I-I'll get back to you on that, Bobby.

I didn't tell you guys about it before because I didn't want you to think I was offbeat or something.

You'll drink a glass of water very quickly. Somebody is going to mistake you for a girl. You'll do the cancan in a green shirt, wearing a catcher's mask. And then comes the crazy part.

The worst part is that between now and the end, you're going to be at Mario's, and a beautiful, sexy blonde is going to fall into your arms. You'll be dating each other right up to the end.

After you, my lady.

I saved up enough money after quitting drugs. [...] Jim, that's a dollar, 35. I quit drugs for a dollar, 35?

Oh my God, a ghost. [...] A talking ghost. [...] A reasonable ghost. [...] A working ghost. [...] A courteous ghost!

A reasonable ghost. / A working ghost. / A courteous ghost!

So how much are they paying you? Nothing. Uh, as a matter of fact, they treat me like a shoeshine boy.

I can't accept any money. Uh... you can pay me for the shoeshine.

How much do I owe you? Taxi. $150,000.

You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em.

Oh, then how come you took off Star Trek? What? That was my favorite show.

The only guy I didn't like was the leader of the Romulans... They gave him things to say that no Romulan would ever say.

Why are you heading into the exit of the Lincoln Tunnel? Oh, oh, oh! Remember our deal.

Jim tasting the white powder and everyone's horrified reaction

Oh. Raymond Burr!

I need to take the rest of the afternoon off. I'm gonna go save television.

Oh, I'm, uh, just looking over the schedule before I shine his shoes.

Yeah, but under the bed. Not on your head.

What's in that big tank over Paul Lynde's head? Melted cheese.

Hey, don't feel bad. If you could do your job, you would!

If you can't tell me how happy you are, why did you call?

Hey, it's thanks enough to me that he's walking around with a nice shine on his shoes. Every time he gets a compliment on his shoes, it reflects on me.

When do you finally stand up and assert yourself? August.

And not just because I'm outta black.

Boy, I bet they say some cute things. They do. Like what? Well, I can't think of anything now...

I love champagne... And-and do they have shrimp?... Those... I love those big shrimp.

My ability to see glimpses of the future is a gift from God and I refuse to abuse it or taint it by using it for financial gain.

Uh, you can pay me for the shoe shine.

Alex's immediate refusal to talk to his father without explanation

Jim's dismissive 'Well, you know, some people yakkety-yakkety-yakkety-yak'

Jim's overly emotional hug declaration: 'That's for all the sons in the world who never hugged their fathers'

Should we all rest or just him?

I used to pay hard-earned money to get to feel the way you feel.

No brains, no pain.

When? When the pretzels start dancin'.

When they all start dancing... the fox-trot.

Oh, quite all right, Tommy. Set me up with a pint, would you? Oh, that's a good fellow.

Could we change the station on the telly, please? Uh, Masterpiece Theater is beginning an adaptation of The Moon and Sixpence. Need I say more?

Oh, Alistair, I'm mad for your tailor.

I consider this a breach of good taste.

There's still such a thing as a strong letter to the Times, you know.

Would you feel better if I gave you the money you just lost? Of course I would. Well, too bad. I don't have it.

You pulled my ear. I pulled your leg.

Well, if it isn't... Mr. Personalities.

Oh, some punk spray-painted it on my van.

There's one word I never want to hear as long as I live... jazzercise.

Oh, I miss him already.

Which of the machines has that?

Oh, I've been living in here for three days. Eating this great food, listening to the short wave, reading all those books, and sleeping in these crazy sleeping bags.

A hug?

Jim accepting the welcome meant for Bobby: 'I didn't even know I was gone'

Jim saying 'I'm not one to nitpick' about his name being wrong

An old woman clubbing pigeons. No, no, not down there, up there. Oh, the sunrise.

There's a person here. You mean you, Jim? Uh... Yes, I mean me. I have something to say and your ignoring me made me forget it!

Guess I told him, didn't I? You sure did. I just hope he had it coming.

You're cute, Jim. Ah... What a kidder! What a kidder. Maybe you're right.

I once lived with a woman for three years before I realized I loved her. In fact, I lived with her for three years before I realized I lived with her.

What a woman. I might have married her. Why didn't you? I said I might have. I don't remember.

It doesn't matter, I'm always having a luau.

Yikes! This don't even rhyme. That's right, I was hoping it did.

How cold is your hand when not properly gloved... The sky is blue... And here comes the hardest part, Christina, which I like even better than Wheatina.

Well, we're going out tonight collecting aluminum cans. Crazy world.

Why are you carrying a styptic pencil in your ear? Well, in light of what just happened, a better question is, 'Why aren't you?'

Just be the card. Be the hat. Don't question! Be.

Does that work for everything? I don't know. It always worked for me for parallel parking.

I might never have turned out to be the man I am today.

You know, he reminds me more and more of myself. He's not going back, and neither am I.

The one I established a liking for so quickly?

Well, they said, 'Go sit in that chair, kid.' So I did. Then after a while, I got up and walked out. Was anybody hurt?

You're the only Jim Ignatowski in the phone book. I know. Isn't it great?

What do you see? Ice cream, popcorn and television. Exactly. What kind of place is this for a kid?

I don't even have Atari.

I can't ride my bike in any streets where there's traffic. Oh, no!

Terry! I'll never send you back to a hellhole like that!

What have you got? Well, sir, we got... uh... chili! Terry... SpaghettiOs.

Good for you. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Let's play catch. In the house? Yeah. Wow! My parents would never let me play catch in the house. Mine, neither.

Well... Parents know a few things.

Well, that's the nice thing about catch. It doesn't have to be long, just so it's good.

If I had dropped out of grammar school, I'd never have been able to drop out of college.

We've all got a little Obi-Wan Kenobi in us.

Of course there is. Don't let anybody fool you. People try to make that complicated. If a tree falls, there's a sound! The bigger the tree, the bigger the sound.

It was The Kinks. She could have worn the blue thing.

Tomorrow... we do history. The '60s, a misunderstood decade.

If you don't mind, will you get it out and re-grout the shower? I'll try. That's all anyone can ask.

Finally I gave in and you know, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I might just start doing it regularly.

I got him a library card.

Forcing him to take piano lessons, sending him off to camp every summer as if he was a-a camper.

This is emotional blackmail. The puppy's name is Snowball.

It's just not gonna be easy explaining to a ten-year-old boy that he's not adopted.

Why? Is it time to tidy up his room? He'll be here in plenty of time for summer camp. Don't worry.

I just don't know how I'm gonna face him when he discovers that they've found him out.

Grownups make too big a fuss out of good-byes. I used to hate it. 'Say good-bye to your Uncle Harry.' 'Good-bye, Uncle Harry.' 'Good-bye, Jim.'

You don't have to call... you don't have to write. All I ask is that you remember me.

Yeah, what're you havin'? Uh, SpaghettiOs, popcorn and herring.

No matter how many leave the nest, it never gets any easier.

Hey, Jim, you're speaking French. / Moi?

Egg split in the womb, huh?

That's that place with the great nude beaches, right? Yeah, but they got spiders this big.

Cowlick? I'll try anything.

Is it over? Yeah. That was the greatest thrill of my life!

No. I had to go out a couple of times and beg for quarters.

They always appreciate it when you notice the little things.

Throbbing noises, flashing lights, monsters chasing you... I get enough of that in real life.

Jim, we've been your friends for three years. / Oh, then it's high time we shook hands.

I'm talking to a fish.

Excuse me. I-I mean mammal.

Boy, I knew you guys were smart.

They can dial!

One minute I wanted to work for world peace. The next minute I wanted to stamp out poverty. The next minute I wanted to eat a chocolate chip cookie. This big.

B... L... O... R... F. Blorf.

That isn't a word. Is it? No! I'm sorry, Jim, but that's not a word... blorf. Yes? Did someone call me? No. Oh, I thought I heard someone say Blorf. Blorf was my nickname in the old country.

'How many points?' - Jim asks about his made-up word

Kids can be cruel.

I-I thought it was a religious service.

And Alex... is not a beautiful girl.

Oh, boy, that was a piece of cake!

I-I... I never tire of hearing that.

A dozen lamb chops... Or navel oranges. I forget which.

Boy, I thought that was an ugly gown.

The concert is tomorrow. Oh. No problem. I brought a book.

If you want to race the clock.

Well, she could lose a pound or two.

How does squab sound? Something like this. [Jim makes squab sound]

The clerk told me that it would pay for itself in six months if I became the Ambassador to the Court of St. James.

This would be a lot easier without the humming. / It sure would. Where's that coming from? / From you.

It would kill me.

For a movie? / Yeah. / Oh, yeah. Oh.

For a movie? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Beats me. It's getting so I can listen to anything.

You're looking at him.

My impression of a water cooler.

Oh, the hell with it!

Oh, the hell with it! [stops playing abruptly]

I must've had music lessons!

Did I have a good time tonight?

Well, did you ever have one of those mornings? You know, the kind when a big steel ball comes crashing through your apartment?

Well, you put up with a few inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.

Jim immediately tries to sleep standing up in the garage

Good night, Alex. [Beat] Forget it, Iggy. You can't stay here.

Well, sometimes I leave the cap off the toothpaste. I forget to wipe my feet, and I usually scream for several hours in my sleep.

It's you, boss.

If we didn't live in a society that got hung up on the fear of members of the same sex sharing mutual affection for each other, I'd kiss you full on the mouth.

Well, it's the old story. I was smoking in bed. And you fell asleep? No. I didn't notice the flames consuming the apartment.

Do you think Louie's gonna be upset? The question is, is whether he'll kill you or not.

Jim's manic renovation plans with paint, wallpaper, and strategically placed flowers

Jim's complete emotional breakdown and Alex trying to calm him

Just keep in mind that material possessions are simply excess baggage on the journey of life.

I saved your most prized possession. See, boss? Your beloved violin.

Good thing I didn't save the piano.

These two pool balls are okay.

I was a success here not because of the job, but because of that man over there. He yelled at me. He abused me, but he made me work!

Does it mean you love me again? I didn't love you before.

He said he was afraid it was gonna be something like $200,000.

Not only has your card risen to the top of the deck, but it has changed into the ace of diamonds.

Always leave them wanting more.

I have been looking for something to fill the void ever since my last canker sore.

Gordon... Gordon, you're not crying. / W-Well, what am I doing? / You're smiling and happy.

Congratulations, Gordon, that was almost a complete sentence.

You've been feeding us walnuts?!

Gordon, this is our room. / I thought the ceiling looked familiar.

I get high on life. I very high on life. As a matter of fact, I'm high right now!

first you nag me into premarital sex. / Okay, I'll give you that.

I'm fine. Now, let's go study.

What's that? / My name. She yelled, 'Hey, Jim!' Jim, Jim, Jim.

I have peace of mind. / Yeah, a very small piece. Maybe one sixteenth.

We gain from experience, but we lose the wisdom that comes from childlike simplicity. Right, Latka?

Why-why are you asking me? There are three other people here. / I thought I'd ask the wisest. / Oh... oh.

Tell him you wet your bed. / What?! / I'm trying to decide whether or not to take a desk job. / Tell him you wet your desk.

Oh!

And you never won an Emmy?

I would be honored if you would become my wife

♪ Here comes Bob and Carol ♪ ♪ His wife Emily really likes him ♪

He never was. He lives in Boston.

A condo in Palm Beach?

Boy, how ironic. That's how much Dad weighed.

Who are you? I-I... I'm John Bickers, y-your father's attorney? Oh.

My father dropped me out of that when I dropped out of Harvard.

Bless them.

That sounds pretty good.

I haven't had many fights in my life, but what I've had, I've won. I got my driver's license. I got my throat checked without a tongue depressor.

Or fail to do so!

Uh, competent.

Boss, if you feel like that about me, who cares about the money? Shut up, you idiot!

That's as comfortable as I can get.

Nothing. Except that I wanted to invite everybody here to my victory party at the Pierre Hotel. We're going to have plenty of those big shrimp.

No, no. No, a decorator friend helped me.

I didn't know I graduated.

Wait! I'm crying. But am I crying because I lost you or because I didn't cry? Wait, I stopped. But I was crying. I didn't want to stop. I'm crying again. No, I stopped.

You like Stevie Wonder?

Good night, Mr. Walters!

I'll remember it because they're all ages that Frank Sinatra has been.

Accidents will happen.

What, no exchange of pleasantries? Hello, Jim, how you doing? / Hello, Alex. Quite well, thank you. Care for a cracker?

I took the precaution of putting it here so I wouldn't eat your money.

Well, you were only off by one. / How much do you get for that? Nothing! I'm broke. / Well, then that was pretty dumb of you to bet all of your money like that.

Well, you were only off by one. How much do you get... How much do you get for that? Nothing! I'm broke.

Well, then that was pretty dumb of you to bet all of your money like that.

Well, the important thing is we had fun. And we were polite.

Poor, lost souls? Wretched refuse on the dung heap of human greed?

You wouldn't know it to look at me now, but I wasn't always this together.

No walls, just sand as far as the eye could see.

We were down to our last mushroom and both of us wanted it.

I looked up to the sky and I said, 'Look at that star.' And he looked. Who wouldn't?

And it wasn't just because he jumped off the cliff trying to fly.

Welcome to rock bottom.

Dear Jim Ignatowski, we are pleased to welcome you as a member of our family of satisfied MasterCard holders.

Don't badmouth my family, Alex.

Now this is where I get confused.

Why don't they just get married again?

Piece of cake.

Piece of cake.

Something terrible has just happened. What?! I've forgotten why I'm doing this.

I used to live on a commune, and although those who slept with pumpkins did, in fact, seem to be healthier... so did those that slept with many other vegetables.

Nothing like seeing E.T. for the 64th time to pick up your day.

Does this look like I'm sick of it?

Actually, there's this kid... Fat kid, wears glasses, 13 years old... Who's just seen it for the 74th time.

And by the way, don't sit next to a little fat kid with glasses.

You're the kid from Lassie!

I'm working on a very important assignment for the boss.

Whew! I did it.

Considering gestation period and average litter size...about eight months...uh...you've got 162.

I feel about this big. Jim, you were off by three. Oh, go ahead, lady, rub it in.

When I was a reverend, I used to wear a robe myself, but it didn't look like that. What-What did it look like? This.

Oh, that's easy. Oops.

I-I want to thank you for bringing silence into my life.

The boss's girlfriend. / Zena's getting married! / Oh, congratulations! That's great. See that? Why... that boss. The monkey never said a word.

Another man? Oh, perfidy! Thy name is woman!

I can't believe I caught the bouquet!

You've got nothing to worry about, Alex. I would never send a Phillip Morris boy for a guy like you.

Every Christmas my family would get a-a big, beautiful, Scotch pine tree. We'd gather around and watch the servants decorate it.

Not there, you fool! Higher and to the left!

If I could die now, I'd be a happy man.

You can be as depressing as you want. It won't hurt, because I've got money.

I didn't know what to pick, so I told 'em to send everything.

Now I know what drove Scott Fitzgerald to drink.

You drained your soul into the typewriter for naught.

Oh! Ho-ho! You wrote a script for M♪A♪S♪H? I gave birth to a script for M♪A♪S♪H...

Hawkeye has to perform surgery on Colonel Potter, all the while being disrupted by shelling from the North Koreans and a Zaxalonian starship.

Their bodies are the size of a grape.

The queen of the Zaxalonians, disguised as an earring, falls in love with Klinger.

Comedy... tragedy... and a statement against war. And a pie fight.

Sprinkle a little baby powder in your shorts.

Well, that's good for it, too, but if you really want to clear it up, just...

Every boy should know how to hop on a moving freight train.

I am the living embodiment of the '60s.

Everything that came along, I went with, even if I didn't know what it was, I went with it.

Thank you.

Why don't they just get married again?

You'll drink a glass of water very quickly. Somebody is going to mistake you for a girl. You'll do the cancan in a green shirt, wearing a catcher's mask

Jim's delayed entrance and recognition scene

I was beginning to worry

No, no, I was talking about the Volkswagen. We already had 12 people

Well, you always were lazy

Uh, how about a bar?

Have you tried fabric softener?

For instance, her number is 'fblwrkz'

I'll turn down my volume, too.

I'll send her home

She'll believe it if she asks any of these folks here

I've got a stomach pump there

Remember me, the weirdo? The man with the flickering porch lights

You're confusing flakiness with style

Well, not everybody has a guest room, Alex

Ha! Oh, my... Ha! Boy, I'm a lunatic!

You think I'm a flake, but you love me.

You think I'm a flake, but you love me

She thinks I'm in the bathroom, brushing my teeth

I don't blame you. I've seen that. It's lovely.

Jim, that's his mouth.

Has anyone ever noticed how Tony eats? He's got the table manners of a Hun.

but they should serve his food in a trough.

That's high tech.

A brain? / No, boss. I don't need a brain.

Yeah. No cream, no sugar.

But I already had half the cup.

Art? / No. Tom.

You wouldn't believe what they were asking for Disney World.

Right in the middle here, there's gonna be a little pond where a woman will play the harp on a swan shaped boat.

Wouldn't the boat sink?

Well, I think I'd like to try free peanuts first.

Jim, you've squandered your money on the sleaziest dive I've ever seen. You're an immature, irresponsible, childlike simpleton. / Hear, hear!

He's a pompous ass.

I said I wanted to drive my bicycle off the roof. / No. / That time, he encouraged me.

Today, some guy came in to use the telephone. He didn't have any ID, so I kicked him out. / Well, better safe than sorry.

Well, I caught him doing that with the soup.

It's our Fisherman's Special. / That's really Chinese noodles. I painted the little eyes on.

It was either that or go crazy.

Well, why don't you try a wet T-shirt contest? / I had one.

The only contestant was a 400-pound ex-marine with a hairy chest.

than people pelting me with dinner rolls.

Sally Field and Mary Martin.

America's premier balladeer... The one and only Alex Reiger.

Can I say one word in my defense? / Seltzer.

And you tell the guys down at the Liquor Authority that I'm a man to be reckoned with!

What if I gave you $1,000?

Define 'too soft a touch.'

I do it out of selfishness. To experience the joy you get when you personally hand over money that's gonna make a person's life a little better.

Oh, no, not a lot. Like, today, I'm only gonna do it five more times.

What if you found out what it was like? What if I gave you $1,000?

Yes, you passionate son of a gun.

Are you serving barbecued yak lips again?

Where'd you get all this stuff? Democratic Convention, 1968.

Yes, you did. In fact, you told us you got arrested. Yup, for stealing decorations.

They never would have caught me, except I went back for one other item. What was that? John Chancellor's tie.

Me! But I've got to warn you, I've done this professionally.

Are we supposed to have realized something here?

Bills, bills, bills.

I'll get it. / Hey! Hey, wait a minute! Where are you going? Come back here, you.