Sugar Mama

Louie:You know what tonight is? Full moon. That means all the crazies are gonna be out there on the streets. Every weirdo, every lunatic, every maniac is gonna be driving a cab tonight.

Louie:Watch out for creeps out there.

Rieger:Don't worry, Louie. We'll be careful.

Louie:I'm serious. There's all kinds of creeps prowling around.

Rieger:Yeah, we know. We work here.

Louie:Oh yeah? Well you're a real Señor Wences!

Customer:I need a ride to the stadium.

Alex:There's no game today.

Customer:I know.

Alex:Then why are you going to the stadium?

Dee:I like the smell of the place.

Dee:Shea Stadium? That place is an architectural eyesore. It looks like a concrete spaceship landed in Queens and nobody bothered to clean it up.

Alex:Well, I think if you look at it from a certain angle—

Alex:Never mind.

Dee:Take me to the airport.

Tony:Which terminal?

Dee:Oh, you know that overlook on the north side of runway 3? Park right there by the old service road where you can see the 747s coming in at a 22-degree angle. The light's perfect around 4 PM.

Tony:Lady, that's not a terminal.

Dee:I know. I just like to watch the planes.

Alex:Wait a minute. Louie said there'd be crazies on a full moon.

Alex:Oh my God. I've picked up one of the crazies.

Dee:That plane came so close it might have touched the taxi roof!

Alex:So, where are you going?

Alex:Wait, wait—I'm sorry. I know you don't like questions.

Alex:35 years? What were you buying?

Alex:You know, I've been driving a cab for years, and I've learned something about this city. There are two types of passengers: those who talk to you, and those who don't. I'm the third type—I talk to myself.

Alex:But seriously, I had this passenger the other day, and he says to me, 'Driver, what's the fastest route downtown?' I said, 'The express line—it's between the white lines, and we're not leaving it.'

Alex:He didn't laugh. But I knew I was funny.

Alex:Woolworth's? Sure, everything's on the way. That's the beauty of the job. You take people where they want to go, you pick up a few bucks, maybe you learn something about life. Last week I drove a guy to the airport, he told me he was leaving his wife. I said, 'Where you headed?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'Well, that's honest.' You know, in this job you're not just a cab driver, you're a confessor, you're a philosopher, you're a priest without the collar.

Alex:Filthy comfortable? Dee, the only thing filthy about you is your apartment, and the only thing comfortable about that is when you leave it.

Dee:He was very wealthy, and he died three weeks after we got married.

Dee:I got everything - the house, the cars, the bank accounts.

Dee:I know what you're thinking, and you're right to think it.

Alex:Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank the Academy...

Alex:My mother, my father, my acting coach...

Alex:And most importantly, I'd like to thank Dee for this incredible honor.

Dee:It's just a tip, Alex.

Alex:Just a tip? DEE. This is the greatest moment of my life!

Dee:Congratulations, Alex! You did it!

Alex:Did what?

Dee:You finally achieved something!

Alex:I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dee:Exactly! That's the achievement!

Louie:Why do I always get dirty cabs? Because I don't care! You think I'm gonna spend my time cleanin' up after every Tom, Dick, and Harry who sits in my cab? I got better things to do. Besides, a little dirt never killed nobody. Builds character, keeps the immune system strong. And another thing - you want a clean cab, you take the bus!

Driver:Well, I appreciate your honesty.

Louie:Yeah, well, that's what I'm here for.

Tony:I get all kinds in this cab. Drunks, a guy who exposed himself, transvestites...

Tony:But the craziest passenger I ever had? This guy thought I was a beautiful woman.

Tony:Twenty-six dollars? I'd drive around with a sign that says 'Honk if you think I'm an idiot.'

Tony:You're eating? I thought you were singing!

Jim:I am singing. This is how I sing.

Tony:You call that singing? You're just eating!

Jim:Well, yeah, I'm eating too. I can do two things at once.

Jim:You ever think about how your hair just keeps growing? Like, it never stops. It just grows and grows and grows. Man, that's heavy.

Jim:I'm not high, I just got a contact high from being around everyone else.

Jim:But suddenly I have an overwhelming urge to eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies.

Elaine:I don't know, I've just been feeling so disconnected lately. Like nobody really understands me, you know? And my job is so unfulfilling, and my relationships are a mess...

Elaine:Wait. Who are you?

Louie:Get her out of here!

Louie:I can't stand nice people. They make me nervous.

Dee:Louie, why do you have to be so hostile all the time? Can't you just be nice for once?

Louie:Nice? Lady, I'm the nicest guy in this garage. You want hostile, I'll show you hostile.

Dee:See, that right there. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You know what? That confirms it.

Louie:Confirms what?

Dee:That you're definitely Louie De Palma.

Dee:Old age is a funny thing. I woke up this morning, found myself wanting blue hair.

Alex:Dee, let me give you some serious advice about hair color. Blue is a very dangerous choice. You could end up looking like a Smurf, and then you'd have to live in a mushroom house and eat nothing but smurf berries.

Dee:He gave me this beautiful box of candy and said it was for the most beautiful girl in the world.

Dee:You know what? That's a pretty good line.

Dee:You know what I miss most about him? His body.

Dee:You know, I've learned to enjoy being rich. I mean, when you're poor, you're miserable. But when you're rich, you're happy. So I figure, why be miserable?

Dee:Besides, poverty is for poor people.

Alex:I'm not taking a large tip. It's against my principles.

Dee:Come on, Alex, just take it.

Alex:No. My principles are very important to me.

Alex:Wait... how large are we talking?

Dee:Money can buy you a house, a car, clothes, nice people...

Tony:They told me the best fares are in the upper 80s.

Tony:I've been driving around 85th, 86th, 87th Street all week.

Tony:Turns out they meant passengers in their 80s!

John:You see, dealing with wealthy elderly clients is like mining for gold. You gotta sift through a lot of dirt to find the precious nuggets.

Louie:What's the matter, Rieger? You falling for some rich dame? Next thing you know, you'll be moving into a penthouse, eating caviar, and calling yourself Daddy Warbucks.

Louie:You're so old, they had to carbon date you to find out when you were born.

Louie De Palma:Age so high it's like a bowling score. Over 200!

Louie:Oh, Alex, my dentures are slipping. Can you help me find my reading glasses? I left them near my prune juice.

Louie:What is this, hot?

Other Character:Yeah, it just came off the burner.

Louie:Ah, it's not that hot.

Louie:Ahhhhh! My mouth! My mouth is on fire!

Dee:Well, it's somebody's birthday somewhere.

Dee:In fact, statistically speaking, it's probably somebody's birthday right now.

Dee:I described all my friends at the dance to him.

Alex:What did you say about me?

Dee:I told him you were tall, dark, and handsome.

Alex:Well, that's two out of three.

Dee:Which one is he?

Alex:The one with the gray hair.

Dee:They all have gray hair!

Dee:He's like a fireman—all that passion locked inside, waiting for the right alarm to go off.

Alex:Well, I guess I'll just stand here and hold up the wall. At least the wall won't leave me for a dance partner.

Ramon:The stole is the only 'foxy' thing about her

Ramon:A Maserati costs a fortune to maintain.

Alex:Yeah, well, maybe you should apply for food stamps.

Ramon:My name is Nardo.

Alex:Mine's Ulysses.

Alex:I'm not on the gigolo circuit.

Ramon:You mean you do this for free?

Ramon:That's a nice tie you're wearing, Alex.

Alex:Thank you, Ramon. And I must say, that's a very nice kidney you have.

Dee:We won the dance contest!

Alex:Dee, I carried you.

Alex:Maybe we could just be friends without the money part?

Dee:Alex, let's be honest. The money IS the friendship.

Dee:Yeah, well, let me tell you something about friendship. I had a friend once who said he'd always be there for me. You know where he is now? He owes me three hundred dollars.

Dee Baxter:I believe in keeping finances completely separate in a relationship. That way, no one owes anyone anything.

Dee Baxter:When I have kids someday, I'm going to pay them to visit me. That way, they'll always come back.

Dee:Especially on payday.

Alex:I feel so used, so taken advantage of. Nobody appreciates what I do around here. I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Nothing but empty promises and false hopes.

Alex:Wait a minute... listen to me. I sound like my mother.

Alex:I've been used. Cast aside like yesterday's newspaper. My heart, my soul, trampled upon by those who claimed to care.

Dee:This is great! Keep going!

Dee:Yeah, well, that's good, because I never liked you in the first place.

Dee:I appreciate you paying, Alex, but are you sure this place is sanitary? I mean, I'd hate for you to waste your money on food poisoning.