A Full House For Christmas

Character:I'm having a sit-down dinner for 80 people at Christmas.

Character:At Woolworth's lunch counter.

Alex Reiger:I can't believe I have to spend Christmas alone.

Bobby Baccalieri:Alex, we ARE spending Christmas alone.

Louie:Shut up.

Louie DePalma:Shut up.

Alex Rieger:That's tender.

Louie:It was hard on me that my mother cried all night.

Alex:What did you do?

Louie:I put her out in the hallway.

Louie:I want you to meet my brother. He's visiting from out of town. Everyone, I'd like you to say hello to my brother. These are my inferiors.

Taxi Driver:Your what?

Louie:My inferiors. You know, the people who work for me.

Louie:You never show me any affection. When was the last time you told me you loved me?

Louie's Brother:Hello, Louie.

Louie:See? Nothing!

Louie:His idea of being nice is not spitting out food and telling her to try again

Louie:My mother in the winter, she's like a frozen car engine. You gotta let her thaw out before she'll start.

Louie:His idea of subtle is threatening a curse from beyond the grave

Alex Rieger:What's going on here?

Louie De Palma:The kids are performing. It's a fundraiser.

Alex Rieger:In the garage? Why the garage?

Louie De Palma:Because I'm charging admission. Two bucks a head. It's a street corner, they're busking.

Alex Rieger:Louie, that's the garage.

Louie De Palma:Exactly. Prime real estate. All the cabbies pass through here.

Louie:Hey, hey, hey! Great performance, kids. You guys are good. Real good. I'm thinking about booking you for some gigs.

Louie:I got a wedding next Saturday, nice crowd, open bar. You interested?

Louie:What do you mean you gotta ask your parents? You're professionals now!

Louie:Why haven't we had a Christmas party before?

Alex:Well, you know, Christmas comes but once a year, and we're always working, and then New Year comes right after, and then it's January...

Louie:That's not an answer.

Alex:No, but it sounded like one, didn't it?

Characters realizing gift obligation:You do exchange Christmas gifts, don't you? We do now.

Nick:Look, I've been busy. I work six days a week, I sleep one day a week. That's seven days right there.

Louie:Nick, that's all the days.

Nick:Exactly. So when was I supposed to visit my mother?

Louie:Yeah? What do you want?

Louie:Look, crazy lady, you want a cab or not?

Alex:Mrs. De Palma, I know things look bad right now, but you have to remember — you're not the first person to feel this way, and you won't be the last.

Alex:Life is hard, it's unfair, and most of the time nobody cares what happens to you anyway.

Alex:So you might as well just accept it and try to have a little fun along the way.

Alex:How are you feeling today, Mrs. De Palma?

Mrs. De Palma:Oh, not so good, Alex. My sciatica is acting up something terrible. And don't even get me started on my digestion. I haven't had a decent bowel movement in three days.

Mrs. De Palma:When Nick was a baby, he had terrible colic. I tried everything - I rubbed him with olive oil, I sang to him, I even danced the tarantella while holding him upside down.

Alex:Upside down?

Mrs. De Palma:It worked! The blood rushing to his head seemed to calm him.

Alex:*horrified look*

Louie:You either take Ma with you when you go, or you leave town an only child.

Louie:I gotta keep my promise to my mother. You know how she cries? So loud it attracts neighborhood dogs.

Alex:I'll have a beer with you, Louie.

Louie:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Separate checks.

Louie De Palma:I've been thinking about something. You know what the odds are of a family like ours? I mean, think about it. You got your mother and your father, right? That's one combination. Then you got your mother and your father and a brother. That's another combination. Then you got your mother and your father and a sister. That's another one. Then you got your mother and your father, a brother and a sister. Then you got your mother and your father, two brothers. Then you got your mother and your father, two sisters. Then you got your mother and your father, two brothers and a sister. Then you got your mother and your father, a brother and two sisters. Then you got your mother and your father, three brothers. Then you got your mother and your father, three sisters. Then you got your mother and your father, three brothers and a sister. Then you got your mother and your father, two brothers and two sisters. Then you got your mother and your father, a brother and three sisters. Then you got your mother and your father, four brothers. I mean, the combinations go on forever!

Louie:My cousin Vinnie's wife's brother married my aunt's daughter...

Alex:And I thought my family tree was complicated. At this rate, you're related to half of New Jersey.

Louie:I never got to play the wise men, the shepherds, the innkeeper... I was always the room clerk.

Louie:What's a room clerk?

Alex:You know, like the innkeeper in the Bible. When Mary and Joseph came to Bethlehem, there was no room at the inn, so the innkeeper had to turn them away.

Louie:Oh, so I'm supposed to turn people away?

Alex:That's right, Louie. You're the room clerk.

Louie:My brother, he's been asking for this. I'm gonna get him back.

Louie:I'm gonna break his legs, crush his skull, feed him to the sharks!

Louie:You know why? Because he borrowed my umbrella and never gave it back.

Character at poker table:I'll cut cards with you for twenty bucks, Nick.

Nick Tortelli:You're on.

Character at poker table:Ace high. I win.

Nick Tortelli:That's an ace low. I win.

Character at poker table:That's it. I'm done gambling. For good.

Losing player:Can I at least borrow back my own shoes to get home?

Nick:Sure, but only temporarily. You'll need to return them tomorrow when you bring the rest of your stuff.

Nick:You're betting against me? After all we've been through?

Louie:It's just business, Nick.

Nick:Just business? Louie, I thought we were friends.

Louie:We are friends. But a guy's gotta make a living.

Nick:I guess you're right. You know what? I gotta admire that. That's cold, Louie. That's real cold. But I admire it.

John:Yeah, honey, I'll be home in time for Christmas dinner. No problem.

John:Wait, wait... the guys want to play poker first.

John:How long could it take?

John:Oh. Oh no. You're right. With Louie in the game, we'll be playing until Easter.

Nick:A poker game? That's like a boxing match. You gotta have the endurance.

Other character:Yeah, well, the fight lasted three hours.

Nick:Three hours? That's pretty good.

Other character:The recovery time took two weeks.

Louie:You're sure? You're absolutely sure about your hand?

Alex:I'm reasonably sure.

Louie:Reasonably sure?! There's thousands of dollars at stake!

Alex:Louie, this is company money, not your savings!

Louie:Yeah, well, I lie all the time.

Alex:At least I'm only losing three hundred dollars instead of the five hundred I paid for it.

Nick:That's not how pawning works, Alex.

Alex:Louie, you can't bet your mother!

Louie:Why not? I'm desperate! Besides, she owes me money anyway.

Alex:That's not how poker works!

Louie:It works for me. I raise you my mother and a case of beer.

Nick:You bet our mother?!

Louie:Yeah, but I got good odds. Two to one.

Nick:Two to one?! That's all Ma's worth to you?

Louie:Hey, if I'd known you were interested, I could've gotten you in on it. Five bucks says she cries during the movie.

Louie:Alright, listen up. We got a mother bet here. First term: hugs. Five bucks a hug, ten bucks if there's actual feeling behind it.

Louie:Kisses on the cheek, three bucks. Kisses on the forehead, that's a premium item, seven and a half.

Louie:Phone calls from her unprompted, that's a freebie. But if you gotta call her first and she actually sounds happy to hear from you, that's twenty bucks right there.

Louie:Guilt trips are complimentary—I don't charge for those. That's a service I provide.

Louie:Bailing you outta jail, that comes outta your winnings. Medical attention, same deal. She makes your favorite meal, fifteen bucks minimum.

Louie:And if she ever, and I mean ever, admits she was wrong about something, the whole pot goes to the winner. That's the house rule.

Louie:Ma, I'm gonna take you someplace fancy for your birthday.

Louie:Someplace where they got cloth napkins, not paper. Where they don't know your name when you walk in. Where the food don't come in a bag or a bucket.

Scorekeeper:Alright, let me get this straight. You're betting a '57 Chevy against a lifetime supply of turtle wax, two cases of imported sardines, a taxicab with no brakes, the deed to the Chrysler Building, a wooden nickel, and your mother-in-law's dentures?

Alex:I've got a straight flush.

Nick:Three of a kind.

Louie:Full house. I win. Alright, who's got a pen? I need to write down who owes me what so I can start breaking their legs alphabetically.

Taxi Garage Crew:Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!