Men Are Such Beasts

Tony:Wait a minute. I understood every word you just said.

Latka:Of course you did.

Tony:No, I mean I actually understood it. The thing is... you weren't speaking English.

Latka:So?

Tony:So? So how is that possible? How did I understand a word you said?

Latka:Because you listen with your heart, not your ears.

Tony:Oh, come on. That's not an answer.

Latka:Isn't it?

Tony:What are you talking about?

Latka:Schibida-dop-dop, flibberdy-skee, munchka-dunchka-zoo!

Tony:Oh, that makes sense.

Louie:Look at this - Alex was a stunt driver, drove in three movies, won a precision driving award...

Louie:And now he can't parallel park without hitting a fire hydrant.

Alex:I had to make a choice—hit the dog or hit the car.

Louie:What kind of car?

Alex:A Mercedes.

Louie:You hit the dog, right?

Alex:A dog is a living creature. A car is just metal and rubber.

Louie:So you're saying the dog's life is worth more than the car?

Alex:Of course it is.

Louie:Then why'd you run over the dog and keep the car?

Louie:Oh, that's beautiful, Alex. That's real beautiful. You leave a note. You follow the law. You cost me money, but you follow the law. I'm so proud of you I could cry.

Alex:Louie, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard you say. And I've heard you talk about your bathroom habits.

Louie:You hit a guy, you gotta stop. You hit a parked car, you leave a note. You hit a hydrant, you drive away fast.

Bobby:Hey, don't worry about it. It happens to the best of us. I had my first accident in six years last week.

Bobby:You know what they say — it's like losing your virginity. You're nervous, you're sweating, and when it's all over, you realize you weren't nearly as good at it as you thought you'd be.

Alex:You know, Bobby, losing your virginity is like buying your first car. You're nervous, you don't know what you're doing, and you're worried about stalling out.

Bobby:Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

Alex:The key is to remember: keep both hands on the wheel, don't go too fast, and whatever you do, don't forget to check your oil.

Tony:What did you say to her when you broke up?

Alex:I said, 'I know about you and the other guy.'

Tony:And what did she say?

Alex:She said, 'Which other guy?'

Tony:These are my friends. You're gonna hate them. I hate them. But I see them every day anyway.

Alex:Okay everyone, let's give them some privacy. Come on, they need to be alone.

Alex:Denise, is there anything you want to say before... before it happens?

Alex:Does anyone have a priest?

Alex:We should probably call her family. They'll want to say goodbye.

Denise:Take these pills, Tony. They'll change your life.

Tony:What do they do?

Denise:They increase your confidence, improve your memory, and make you irresistible to women.

Tony:Really?

Denise:Plus they cure baldness, make you taller, and give you the ability to predict the weather.

Tony:Come on...

Denise:They also allow you to speak fluent Portuguese, make your car run on water, and let you fly by flapping your arms.

Denise:You know, Tony, I have to say... I really admire your honesty. Most men would try to soften the blow, but you? You just come right out and say it. That takes a special kind of courage. The kind that doesn't require any tact whatsoever.

Denise:Wait, you mean you actually told me the truth? That you don't want to see me anymore?

Tony:Yeah, I did.

Denise:That's the most honest thing you've ever said to me. You really care about me.

Tony:What? No, I just said I want to break up.

Denise:Exactly! You're finally being real with me. We should stay together.

John:We're recreating the exact moment when the box arrived. It's important for closure.

Louie:What the hell is that?

Latka:Is a cockroach. I find in my apartment. I think, what better way to show how accident happen?

Louie:You brought a real cockroach to demonstrate the accident?

Latka:Yes! Is very realistic. Just like real thing!

Louie:Use a baby doll. I got one in my office.

Tony:See, I figure if I can just get her to think of me like the Wicked Witch of the West, you know? I'm green, I'm ugly, I want to destroy everything she loves...

Tony:Then when I show up at her door with a bucket of water, she'll think 'Oh no, he's gonna melt me!' and she'll be so scared she'll agree to go out with me just to save her life.

Tony:Or better yet, I could dress up like the Wicked Witch. That way when she sees me, she'll be so frightened she'll grant me three wishes and anything I want.

Tony:Actually, I could corner her in a haunted castle, trap her in a crystal ball, and force her to watch my home movies until she agrees to love me.

Tony:Even the ugly witch would be appealing.

Louie:Listen to me, you're like a brother to me, you know that? I'm gonna give you some advice, some real advice from the heart.

Louie:You got a face like a pizza that somebody sat on. You should do something about that.

Louie:Denise, you made a lot of money. That's terrific. You know, for somebody like you, that's really something special. I mean, most people with your... limitations... they'd never get this far.

Louie:Denise! I heard the good news. Congratulations on the new job.

Denise:Thank you, Louie.

Louie:You know, if you ever need anything - anything at all - you just come see me. I've got connections all over this city.

Denise:That's very kind of you.

Louie:And between you and me, I think you got the job because of me. You know, I mentioned your name to a few people. They probably told their friends, word got around... Women like confidence, Denise. And class. And a man who knows how to treat a lady. Lucky for you, you know me.

Louie:Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're telling me these things are dangerous? They can cause heart problems, they can cause all kinds of problems?

Louie:How much can I get them for wholesale?

Alex:I have a terrible headache.

Denise:Have you tried aspirin?

Alex:Yes, it didn't work.

Denise:Well, try some of the really dangerous pills then.

Alex:Wow, this is amazing! I can already feel it working!

Alex:My headache is completely gone. I can see colors I've never seen before. Is that a new dimension over there?

Alex:The pills don't affect me at all. I'm completely normal. See? I'm fine. Totally fine. Everything is fine. Fine fine fine fine fine. You know what? I feel great! I feel AMAZING! Why does everyone keep staring at me? Did I say something funny? I'm hilarious! I should be on television! I'm the funniest person in this room! In the WORLD! My heart is racing but that's just because I'm excited! Excited about LIFE! We should all be excited! Let's celebrate! Let's dance! Let's reorganize the entire dispatch system RIGHT NOW!

Alex:Hey everybody! How are you? You look great! Did you do something different with your hair? I love it! I absolutely love it! We should hang out sometime, really soon, like tomorrow!

Alex:Okay, gotta go! This has been the best conversation of my entire life! You're such a good person! I'm so glad we know each other! See you later, buddy! Bye! Have a great day! I mean it! Really great!

Alex:♪ I'm gonna take a greyhound down to L.A., find a starlet with a convertible and a trust fund... ♪

Tony:If you don't fire Denise, I'm quitting.

Louie:Okay, Tony, let me think about this... No.

Bobby:I'm gonna quit!

Louie:Don't let the door hit ya.

Latka:I quit too!

Louie:You're all quitting? All of you? Even you, Mario? You're my best driver!

Louie:Wait, wait, wait. Don't go. Please. I'm begging you. Look at me. I'm on my knees here.

Louie:You want more money? I'll give you more money. You want better hours? Done. You want the moon? I'll get you the moon!

Louie:Don't leave me like this. I'm nothing without you guys. Nothing! I'm a broken man!

Louie:You guys are really pushing it. You cross that line, and I'm gonna give you everything you want.

Denise:I can't work here anymore.

Denise:If you don't rehire me, I'm going to follow you home.

Denise:I'm going to sit outside your apartment.

Denise:I'm going to follow you to work, to the grocery store, to the gym.

Denise:I'll be everywhere you are.

Tony:You know, there's a technical term for what you are.

Other Character:What's that?

Tony:A jerk.

Tony:You're a real waste of space, you know that? A complete loser. Nobody wants you around here.

Denise:Oh Tony, that's so... aggressive. Keep going.

Tony:What? You've got nothing to offer. You're pathetic.

Denise:Mmm, yes. Be more cruel to me.

Denise:Who is Tony in love with?

Louie:Me.

Louie:I'm the love of his life.

Louie:I'm not homosexual, I'm sexually ambiguous.

Tony:Low? Lady, you haven't seen low. I'm willing to commit crimes I haven't even thought of yet to get away from you.

Denise:That's stooping pretty low, isn't it?

Louie:Low? What do you mean low? I've done plenty of low things in my life, but this... this is not low for me!

Alex:I'm flying, man. I'm really flying. Nothing can touch me now.

Alex:I feel like I could do anything. I'm invincible!

Alex:Wait... wait a minute.

Alex:What goes up... has to come down.