Money Troubles

Louie:Listen here, you old tush!

Louie:Where's John?

Alex:He's in the garage.

Louie:Thanks, pal. *blows sarcastic kiss* I'm gonna go kill him.

Louie:I choose not to fraternize with the drivers.

Alex:Louie, the drivers avoid you. You don't avoid them.

Louie:Why haven't I been invited to dinner?

Alex:After all you've done for us?

Latka:Alex, I want to learn the idioms. What is 'you can lead a horse to water'?

Alex:Well, it means you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.

Latka:Ah, I understand! You can lead a dog to water, but you cannot make him... drown.

Alex:No, no, Latka...

Latka:A horse?! I cannot eat a horse!

Alex:Why not? You eat dog all the time in your country.

Latka:Yes, but a horse is a pet!

Alex:Now Latka, when you're dining with someone important, you don't just grab the salt. You ask politely: 'Could you please pass the salt?'

Latka:Could you please pass the salt?

Alex:Good! Now let's try the bread course. You take a small piece, butter it lightly...

Latka:Could you please pass the salt?

Alex:Latka, we just had salt.

Latka:I know, but now I need more salt.

Elaine:This is hopeless.

Alex:Latka, proper etiquette requires restraint. You don't use that much salt.

Latka:In my country, we put salt on everything. Salt on eggs, salt on fish, salt on salt!

John:Are you hungry, Latka?

Latka:I could eat a horse.

John:Well, there's a deli around the corner.

Latka:No, no, no. I could eat a horse.

Louie:You invited me to dinner? Me? Louie De Palma?

John:Yeah, Louie. It's just dinner.

Louie:Just dinner. JUST dinner. Take a letter. Dear God. It has come to pass. The day I have waited for. Louie De Palma. Invited. To dinner. Period. New paragraph. I don't know what I did to deserve this honor. But I accept. Humbly. Sincerely. Louie.

Louie:I just wanted to be invited!

Louie:But I would've turned you down anyway.

Louie:You know what really gets me? Nobody invites me to anything. I'm always left out. Nobody cares about Louie De Palma. I throw my money around, I'm nice to people, and what do I get? Nothing!

Louie:The truth is... I just want somebody to like me. Just once, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Like I matter to someone.

John:Louie, would you like to come to dinner?

Louie:Me? You're inviting ME? After all these years of loyal service, you finally acknowledge my existence?

John:Louie...

Louie:No, no, it's fine. I understand. I'm just the dispatcher. Why would you want me around?

John:So is that a yes?

Louie:Why, I would be absolutely delighted to accept your generous invitation. Thank you ever so much.

John:Well, I'm looking forward to her treating my broken leg.

Latka:Is neither! Is green!

John:I didn't know that was your line, Latka. I'm sorry.

Latka:You steal my moment! I practice this!

Suzanne:John, how could you? You know how hard he worked on that.

John:I didn't mean to. It just came out.

Latka:Is okay. But next time, you ask first, yes?

John:You're right. I'm really sorry, Latka.

Latka:This is a very special wine from my country. You pair it with waffles.

Danny:Waffles?

Latka:Yes, waffles. In my country, we know about wine and food pairing.

Latka:TOAST!

John:...that's it?

Latka:Please to pass the salt.

John:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I should have offered it to you immediately. I feel terrible. Please forgive me. I don't know what I was thinking. You must think I'm the most inconsiderate person in the world. I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

Latka:I must have the recipe! It is magnificent!

Suzanne:It's just lettuce and tomato.

Latka:No, no, there is more! There must be more! The way you cut it, the way you arrange it—I must know your secret!

Alex:Latka, it's really just lettuce and tomato. There is no secret.

Latka:You are hiding something from me! I will not leave until you tell me everything!

Alex:Trust me, you don't want to go down this road. Once you start asking Latka for recipes, he never stops.

Alex:You know what I don't understand? People who love cherry tomatoes but can't stand regular tomatoes. What's the difference? It's the same tomato, just smaller. It's like saying you love your nephew but hate your brother. It's arbitrary.

Alex:Well, I guess we've covered everything there is to say about tomatoes.

Alex:So... how about those carrots?

John:Forestry is a noble profession. I'd be working outdoors, helping preserve our natural resources.

Suzanne:Oh sure, you'll be out there with Bambi and Thumper, frolicking through the forest.

John:Son of a... son of a... blast it!

John:I can't even curse properly. You know why? Poverty. When you're poor, you can't afford the good curse words.

Latka:Same time next week?

Elaine:You must be short on money.

Alex:No, I'm short on time.

Tony:Don't worry, I got money problems too. But listen, I help my friends. How much you need?

Alex:Twenty thousand dollars.

Tony:Twenty thousand?! Get outta here! You're on your own, pal!

John:I'm broke, I'm behind on rent, my car just broke down, and I haven't had a date in six months.

Alex:Well, you look good for it.

John:I told her I was exhausted, so we just went straight to bed.

Alex:That was smart. You need your rest before the big day tomorrow.

John:You know, Elaine, last night with my girlfriend was just incredible. The way she—

Elaine:John, please. I don't need to hear this.

John:But wait, there's more! You see, we were in the kitchen and—

Elaine:John! Stop. I'm begging you. No more. I don't want to know about your sex life.

Elaine:You have to learn to say 'I'm sorry.' It's the most important thing in a marriage.

John:You're right. I'll tell Suzanne she has to start saying it.

John:The door won't open.

Alex:Yeah, nothing says 'home sweet home' like a milk crate and two phone books. I'm one broken chair away from being a furniture store's clearance section.

Alex:Look, I understand all the concerns about loaning money to friends. It can strain the relationship, create awkward situations, and make things complicated. But here's what we can do—we can set up a simple payment plan, maybe some reasonable interest, and keep everything documented so there's no confusion down the road.

John:No, no, stay. We can talk about this in front of you.

Alex:No, I really should go. I have very strong feelings about this.

John:I'm perfectly content with the way things are between us.

Suzanne:You know, I just realized something. Every night when you come home, you have this look on your face...

John:What kind of look?

Suzanne:Like you're happy to see me.

John Burns:Heads I go to college, tails I become a cab driver.

Louis De Palma:That's a stupid way to decide your future.

John Burns:You got a better idea?

Louis De Palma:Yeah. Double or nothing.

Suzanne:Well, that's fair. A deal's a deal.

John:Actually, I have to tell you something. That coin was two-headed.

Alex:I guess I'm just a jerk for being too generous with my friends.

Alex:I'm a pushover. I know I'm a pushover. I lend money to people I don't even like. Last week I lent twenty bucks to a guy who deliberately parks in my spot.

Louie De Palma:A dinner invitation? That's a date! She wants me!

Louie De Palma:I'm telling you, when a woman invites you to dinner, she's interested. This is it. This is my big chance.

Louie De Palma:I'm gonna wear my good shirt, the one without the stains. Well, without the big stains.

Louie:So there I am, at this fancy restaurant, candlelight, soft music playing. She's looking at me like I'm the most interesting guy she's ever met.

Louie:We finish dinner, we go back to my place. She says, 'Louie, you're so sophisticated, so cultured.' We're on the couch, the fireplace is going...

Louie:Then she says, 'Take me away from all this, Louie. Take me somewhere magical.' So I snap my fingers and—POOF!—we're in Paris.

Louie:We're dancing on the Eiffel Tower. She's in my arms, the city lights below us. She whispers, 'This is the most romantic moment of my life.'

Louie:I snap my fingers again—POOF!—now we're on a yacht in the Mediterranean. She's feeding me grapes. I'm a king, she's a goddess.

Louie:And then she looks at me and says, 'Louie, take me to magic time.' And I say, 'Baby, it's magic time!'

Louie:You're like a beautiful symphony, and I'm the conductor. I'm gonna make sweet music with you all night long.

Elaine:Louie, that's the worst line I've ever heard.

Louie:Yeah? Well, you better laugh at my jokes and pretend you had a good time, or I'm gonna tell all the guys at the garage that you did.

Louie:You better be nice to me or I'll tell everyone we're having an affair.

Elaine:And I'll tell them it's a lie.