Paper Marriage

Alex:He's in the bathroom.

Alex:How far did you get with that immigration letter?

Latka:I only got through the salutation.

Alex:What's wrong with that?

Latka:I misread 'Alien' as 'Allen'. Now it says 'Dear Allen, Welcome to America.'

Alex:Latka, do you have your immigration papers?

Latka:Immigration papers? No, no, no. But I got some nice rolling papers. You want to smoke?

Alex:Well, Latka, if you got deported, you'd go back to your homeland. That's not so bad, is it?

Latka:Not so bad? Alex, you don't understand. My country is terrible!

Alex:Come on, how bad could it be?

Latka:Look at our postage stamps. They show a man crying.

Louie:You see this? This graffiti about me on the wall? 'Louie De Palma is a cheap, lousy, no-good bum.' Can you believe that? The nerve of these people!

Louie:I mean, 'cheap'? That's ridiculous. And 'lousy'? That's uncalled for. And 'no-good bum'? Well... okay, that one might be accurate.

Louie:I wrote it myself.

Louie:A poodle? I'm comparing Latka to a poodle?

Latka:You love me!

Louie:I do not love you. But if I did, it would be like loving a poodle—high-strung, needs constant grooming, and occasionally bites the hand that feeds it.

Driver:We're missing the queen of hearts.

Alex:Don't worry about it. The federal agents will never notice.

Alex:Excuse me, gentlemen. I think you mean 'undocumented alien,' not 'illegal alien.' We prefer to use more sensitive terminology.

Immigration Agent:What? We're here to—

Alex:Yes, yes, I understand you have a job to do, but words matter. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have nothing to hide.

Louie:Hey, immigration? Yeah, I got an illegal alien for ya. He's right here at the garage. Yeah, Latka Gravas. No, I don't know how to spell it.

Passenger:Take me to 42nd and Park.

Taxi Driver:42nd and Park? Lady, that's in the middle of the street.

Passenger:Well, what do you suggest?

Taxi Driver:How about we start with a destination you actually want to go to?

Latka:You took the words right out of my mouth... and you chewed them up and spit them back in my face!

Latka:Well, I think I could get Farrah Fawcett if I really tried. But if that doesn't work out, I'll settle for my mother.

Louie:I helped Latka escape! I'm a hero!

Louie:Yeah, well, I may have also called immigration and told them exactly where he was headed.

Louie:Hey Latka, how about twenty bucks?

Latka:No, Louie.

Louie:Thirty bucks?

Latka:No, Louie.

Louie:Forty bucks?

Alex:Louie, he keeps saying no.

Louie:Stay out of this, Rieger. Latka, fifty bucks?

Latka:Elaine, I love you. Will you marry me?

Elaine:I'm sorry, what did you say?

Latka:Mnage splooven craten vrooty, will you marry me?

Elaine:Oh... that was sweet!

Elaine:I wouldn't have to? What do you mean I wouldn't have to? Like it's some kind of burden I'm trying to avoid?

Elaine:No, Latka.

Latka:She said yes!

Alex:She's not a hooker. She's a lady of the evening.

Latka:Vivian! I love you!

Vivian:You just met me.

Latka:I know, but in my country, when a man sees a woman, he knows right away if she is the one. And you... you are the one.

Vivian:This is a business arrangement.

Latka:Yes, yes, business of love!

Louie:What's the matter with you, Latka? Why are you so mad at me?

Latka:You told my wife I was seeing another woman!

Louie:So? I just mentioned it in passing. It's no big deal.

John:Communication is the most important thing in marriage.

John:That's why I never tell my wife anything.

Bobby · Driver:The line to kiss the bride could take a while. / I hear they asked the vice squad to give the bride away.

Vivian:Sure, I'll wear a wedding dress. I've worn everything else - nurse uniforms, cheerleader outfits, French maid costumes...

Immigration Officer:Do you understand the question I'm asking you?

Latka:How?

Immigration Officer:No, no — do YOU understand?

Latka:How?

Immigration Officer:Listen to me carefully. Can you comprehend what I'm saying?

Latka:How?

Immigration Officer:That's it! I've got fifteen minutes before my shift ends and I need to process ten more cases!

Louie:Just let him through, Mac. The kid only knows one word.

Louie:She's a classy girl, real refined. She only works the better hotels, very exclusive clientele.

Latka:But Louie, she's a—

Louie:Classy! I said classy! Not like some people who hang around garages and say 'hello' weird.

Louie:So I told her my family didn't want us to be together. Her parents thought I wasn't good enough. I had to bribe the priest to marry us in secret.

Louie:Then we had to flee the country. We lived in a small village in Portugal for three years under assumed names.

Louie:The other change being that he actually took the bribe to leave the girl.

Reverend Jim:The church was thoroughly investigated. They looked into everything.

Alex:What were they investigating?

Reverend Jim:I'd rather not say.

Reverend Jim:The Church of the Eternal Cosmic Consciousness is a perfectly legitimate ordaining church. It's recognized by the state of Nevada.

Reverend Jim:Well, it was recognized. The state had to condemn the building.

Reverend Jim:Always.

Louie:Hey, don't criticize me. My mother invested in this accordion.

Louie:And Latka needs the work.

Reverend Jim:I know what you're all thinking. 'What's Reverend Jim doing conducting a wedding? He can barely conduct himself.' But I want you to know, I take this responsibility very seriously. And I promise you, by the power vested in me by the State of New York, and by a mail-order certificate I got from a matchbook, that I will make this the most beautiful, the most meaningful, the most... wait, what was I saying?

Alex:No, no, Latka. It's not 'tart.' It's 'heart.' You will always be a heart to me.

Latka:Oh! A heart! That's much better!

Reverend Jim:Well, that's that.

Latka:But wait, you just got married. Where are you going?

Vivian:I'm leaving. This was just a business arrangement.

Latka:Business? But... when do you come home?

Latka:I have learned something very important today about America.

Latka:In my country, when a man marries a woman, she stays with him.

Latka:Here, apparently, she leaves.

Alex:So how was your day, Latka?

Latka:Oh, you know, it was fun.