High School Reunion

John:Oh, I'm terribly sorry. You caught me red-handed. I've been running this scam for years - overcharging people a dime at a time. It's how I've built my empire.

John:But I'm afraid I can't give it back. That dime is spoken for. I've already mentally spent it.

Louie:You guys want to hear my favorite song?

Tony:Oh no, here we go.

Bobby:Not 'The Green Berets' again.

Louie:No, no, something special. Something that really means something to me.

Alex:Brace yourselves.

Louie:Nothing like a little 'Feelings' to brighten the day.

Elaine:Did he just say...

Tony:He's playing 'Feelings.'

Louie:Feelings... nothing more than feelings...

Unknown:Why are you playing 'Feelings'?

Louie De Palma:It's different from my usual stuff, but it's equally bad.

Louie De Palma:Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

Alex Reiger:Louie, please. Those aren't feelings, those are crimes against music.

Customer:I'd like a beer with a twist.

Bartender:Sorry, we're all out of twist.

Customer:You know what? I know what I like.

Bartender:Yeah, and we're out of it.

Alex:I went to the doctor today. He gave me some bad news.

Alex:He said I only have forty years to live.

Alex:Forty years! That's not enough time!

Alex:I need at least fifty.

Alex:I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made that joke. I really blew it.

Alex:(makes tickling gesture) Coochie coochie coo!

Alex:See? There I go again.

Beverly:I have a strict rule about not dating people I work with. It's unprofessional.

Tony:But Beverly, that's ridiculous. Half the people here would date you.

Beverly:Exactly. And that's why I don't. It's like doctors dating sick people in a hospital.

Tony:What? That doesn't even make sense.

Beverly:Sure it does. You're surrounded by sick people all day. You can't just start dating them because they're convenient.

Beverly:Well, I have my principles. I don't date sick people.

Alex:But they're in a hospital. That's where sick people go.

Beverly:Well, I'd make an exception for a rich doctor.

Alex:Louie, I'll pay you not to play 'Feelings' again.

Louie:You got a deal. One dollar.

Louie:I promise I won't be obnoxious.

Louie:You're all a bunch of losers.

Louie:I apologized. Me. Louie De Palma. I said I was sorry. Do you know what this means? I'm growing as a person. I'm becoming a better man. Maybe tomorrow I'll stop scratching myself in public.

Louie De Palma:You go to your high school reunion, you see all these people you haven't seen in twenty years. Half of them are bald, the other half wish they were. The women all look like their mothers. And everybody lies about what they're doing.

Louie:They'd hide my books, trip me in the hallway, steal my lunch money. I didn't mind. I figured, 'Hey, this is what high school is all about.' By senior year, they had me pretty well trained. I'd hand them my money before they even asked.

Unknown character:You never talk about your feelings, Louie. I'd like to hear what's really going on inside.

Louie De Palma:You want to hear my feelings? Fine. But I'm warning you - if I start opening up, it's the end of the world as we know it.

Louie:You see, Stanley Tarsus pulled this mean trick on me. When someone looks down, you flick 'em right on the nose.

Alex:Huh?

Louie:Look down.

Alex:What?

Louie:Just look down for a second.

Alex Reiger:You know, I had a bully in high school too. He used to follow me around, push me into lockers, call me names...

Alex Reiger:But you know what? I'd give anything to go back to those days. At least then someone cared enough to torture me.

Louie:I'm gonna tell you a heart-wrenching story.

Louie:I went to prom alone.

Louie:The prom theme was 'April Love'.

Bobby:April love, April love, it's like an April day.

Louie:I told them I was dating a Broadway actress. She's performing eight shows a week, so she's too busy to come to the office. That way, nobody can say she doesn't exist because she's always working.

Elaine:Aw, Louie.

Louie:Don't 'Aw, Louie' me. I need more than that.

Louie:You know what I'm gonna tell her? I'm gonna say, 'Sheila, you look like a beautician.'

Louie:They put out a high chair to humiliate me about my height.

Louie:I'm not sitting in no high chair. I got my pride.

Louie:But if that's what it takes to get the job done... fine. FINE. Bring it on.

Louie:Just... everybody pretend you don't see me up here, alright?

Louie:You know what I'm gonna do at that reunion? I'm gonna walk in there, and everyone's gonna see how successful I've become. And then you know what my ultimate revenge is gonna be?

Louie:I'm gonna make 'em eat crackers. That's right. Crackers. No cheese, no spread, nothing. Just plain crackers.

Louie:And they're gonna have to swallow 'em dry while I watch and laugh.

Louie:You know, when I go to my high school reunion, I'm gonna walk in there and show all those people who said I wouldn't amount to anything. They're gonna see I'm a successful dispatcher!

Bobby Baccalieri:Louie, you're a dispatcher at a taxi garage in New York.

Louie:Exactly! I'm the boss!

Bobby Baccalieri:Nobody's gonna be impressed by that.

Louie:I'm not a good enough actor.

Bobby:Wait, you showed self-awareness? That's amazing!

Bobby:When Louie gets angry, his face turns this shade of purple, the veins in his neck pop out like jump ropes, his eyes bulge out so far you could use them as ashtrays, and he starts making this sound like a backed-up drain. Plus his toupee shifts about three inches to the left.

Bobby:I'm gonna impersonate you, Louie.

Louie:You? Impersonate me? That's impossible.

Bobby:Why? How hard can it be?

Louie:Because I'm a very complex man. You'd need years of study to understand the depths of my personality.

Louie:You can't imitate me. I'm too complex.

Louie:You can't imitate me. I'm too complex.

George:You look taller, Louie.

Louie:I am. I had a growth spurt.

George:A growth spurt? At your age?

Louie:Yeah, the doctor said it was medically noteworthy. He's writing a paper about it.

George:It's great to see you again, Louie.

Louie:Yeah, well, let's be honest — our relationship was never good.

Sheila:Who is this tall person?

Louie:That's Bobby. He grew.

Sheila:Bobby? From the high chair?

Bobby:Can we please not bring that up?

Sheila:How can I make up for the prom humiliation?

Louie:You can't make up for it. But you can get even.

Alex:The giveaway is the sound of all the change he carries

Alex:I'll walk you home.

Beverly:Oh, that's not necessary.

Alex:No, I insist. There are wild dogs in this neighborhood. But don't worry — if we run into any, I'll let them eat me first. I'm much more tender.

Beverly:That's... very thoughtful of you.

Alex:You know, I'm beginning to enjoy this. There's something about repeated rejection that really brings out the best in me.

Beverly:I'd love to come to the reunion.

Alex:Oh, I'm sorry, Beverly. We can't have you there.

Beverly:Why not?

Alex:Well, it's a cab drivers' reunion. And you know how you feel about cab drivers.

Louie:Yeah, yeah, that's nice Stanley. So what'd you start out as — a busboy?

Stanley:No, I was a waiter right from the beginning.

Louie:A waiter? Come on, nobody starts out as a waiter at a fancy place like that. You gotta work your way up from busboy, then dishwasher...

Stanley:Well, I did.

Louie:Sure you did. And I'm the King of England.

Stanley:You know, Louie, I make pretty good money driving this cab. Last year I cleared forty grand.

Louie:Forty grand? That's not bad.

Stanley:Yeah, that's what I reported to the IRS anyway.

Louie:Tax evasion? Stanley, that's a federal crime!

Stanley:I know, I know. I panicked.

Louie:Well, you should have. Because I'm not really Louie De Palma.

Stanley:What? Who are you?

Louie:I work for the IRS. You're under arrest.

Stanley:An IRS auditor? Oh no... I'm going to jail.

Stanley:I'm going to jail! I'm going to jail!

Louie:Hey, don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

Stanley:Fine?! I'll be sharing a cell with some guy named Bruno!

Louie:Look, I know a guy. He can help you out.

Stanley:You do?

Louie:Yeah, I'll give him a call. Don't worry about it.

Stanley:Oh, thank you, Louie! Thank you!

Louie:Forget about it.

Sheila:You're a real man, Louie. Strong, decisive.

Bobby as Louie:Thanks, Sheila. I'm 200 proof.

Louie:Well, I'll be. The crazy plan actually worked.

Louie:Stanley made it out. I can't believe it.

Louie:Look at me out there. I'm a natural. The ladies can't keep their eyes off me.

Louie:Back in my day, I was the king of the dance floor. Still got it, too.

Louie:You see that one looking at me? She wants a piece of this. They all do.

Alex:Louie, you can't just go up and touch a woman's hair without permission.

Louie:Why not? I've been dreaming about this since high school.

Alex:Because she'll probably slap you, and then you'll have a lawsuit on your hands.

Louie:A lawsuit? For touching hair?

Alex:Louie, trust me on this one. Just ask first.

Louie:Hey, nice hair.

Sheila:Don't touch it.

Louie:I'm just complimenting you.

Sheila:I said don't touch it!

Louie:Relax, I'm barely—

Louie:Look at this! Look at all this beautiful chaos! This is what I live for!