The Great Line

And he says, "If I could do it in my living room, I wouldn't have to do it in the back of your cab."

How do you feel, Tony? Thirsty.

So, they say after divorce your life is empty and here I am watching a chug-a-lug contest.

Any time, gentlemen.

Let's get out of here. I don't want to be around when he belches.

You don't have to ask, do you? No, I guess not. The blonde. No. The one with the white blouse? No. Oh, the other one. See? You picked her out.

I don't think you have to announce everything that's happening in your body.

Say hello. No, I couldn't say that.

Let's get married.

It's witty, it's entertaining, and it's got 'married' in it. The line has everything.

Let's cut the preliminaries... You want to get married? Hey, you know, that is better. Shorter anyway. We just improved on the wheel, man.

You're absolutely right, Alex. Let's forget it. I can't forget it.

Sure. What?!

Oh, sure, but not right away. I mean marriage is important. It can't just be jumped into. Oh, I agree; yes. So, we'll get married in an hour. Oh, perfect.

Author, author. Preliminaries... that's the word.

He said, "If I didn't have to do it... If I could do it in my living room, I wouldn't have to do it in the backseat of your cab."

Alone... alone... alone... How did I get into this? All I said was, "I'm going for a beer. Does anyone want to come?"

Or have you really had a lousy life? Oh, no. No, I've had a great life. And this is your best time? Yeah. Wow! Me, too.

How do you stand on bowling? Feet together, knees slightly bent. I use a four... She bowls. She bowls!

So what do you want to do first, get married, or go bowling? Bowling first. That way, if the marriage doesn't work, it won't screw up my game.

I used to pull over, turn around, and ask them if they'd like to come to my place for drinks and sex. Oh, yeah, the subtle approach.

Once in 2,312 times.

Why not? 'Cause I could pulverize you. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Remember that girl I met in the bar? Yeah? I married her. You what? Oh, my...! What?!

John, that was just a line. You weren't supposed to do it.

There we were, bowling and joking about whoever lost paid for the marriage license. The next thing I knew, we were eloping to Maryland in her best friend's Volvo.

John, do me a favor. Don't say every landmark from here to Maryland, okay?

Yeah, them Volvos are great.

Then we had dinner at this really neat Maryland McDonalds. The food's the same but it's served by people from Maryland.

Then we checked into this really nice six-dollar motel...

Hey, John, I hate to be indelicate, but, uh... did you? Oh, no, no. We were too excited for that.

She said, 'I will if he will.'

I said no! But somehow it came out yes!

All the way back, we only said three words. She said, 'Need gas?' I said, 'Yes.'

There she sits, the woman Maryland considers my wife.

A conservative estimate.

Oh, I'm sorry. The next time you don't show up for work for two days, you're fired.

Mrs. Me.

You get married, you have kids, you grow old, and then you die. Somehow, to me, if you didn't get married, you wouldn't die.

Well, come by the garage this week and I'll give you a tire.

Hey, Rudy, did they find the rest of that rat that died in the beer keg? Go.

For a buck. Hey, the post office only charges 15 cents. Yeah, and they're going broke.

Or do you want to see if you have kids by tonight?

You know, I got a 'Dear John' once. Oh, that isn't what this is. 'Dear John...'

It's a nice letter. I read it nicely.

Why do I come here so often? I almost never have a good time.

Look at him. Hi. Okay.

If you tell me what it is you want to know whether or not she has told me then I'll tell you whether or not she has told me. I can tell she hasn't told you.

Could you tell her that I'm here and maybe I love her?

We've always tried to instill in our daughter the good grace to conceal virtually everything from us.

Not since 1971.

I believe the notion of love at first sight is a debasement of every moral, spiritual, and ethical value that I and my family hold dear.

This is no snap.

Is this fun for you?

Well, once you get into it.

Hup, that's it! Let's go, Lillian. Mr. Rieger. Right.

No. Oh, that's terrific. No! Wait a minute! No what? No, I won't get annulled.

I'd like your permission to marry my wife.

Hey, man, you got rid of her. That's great. No, we're staying married. Congratulations, she's a wonderful girl.