The Great Line

Reference to a previous story about a passenger

Tony:I feel great. I'm gonna win this thing. I got the constitution of a ox.

Alex:You know, I've been thinking about my life. I was married for years, and now I'm divorced, driving a cab in New York City. I live in this tiny apartment, I'm surrounded by the most insane people you could imagine at that garage, and somehow... this is better than it was before.

Unknown:This is easy.

Louie De Palma:Alright, who won the drinking contest?

Tony Banta:I did! I'm still standing!

Louie De Palma:Yeah, well, get a bucket. You're gonna need it.

Alex:You're staring at Elaine again, aren't you?

John:How did you know?

Alex:Because you always get that same dopey look on your face.

John:I'm telling you, when she walked in, my heart started pounding, my palms got sweaty, I couldn't think straight...

Alex:John, that's not love. That's a heart attack. You should see a doctor.

Alex:Just say hello. It's the simplest thing in the world.

John:Hello? Alex, that's two syllables. I can't do two syllables.

Alex:I've got the perfect pickup line for you.

Alex:The most extreme possible opening line.

Alex:Hi.

Alex:Look, it's not ridiculous. I'm just being honest about my market position. 'Married' is just another selling point, like 'has a car' or 'owns his own apartment.'

Alex:Women appreciate honesty. It shows confidence.

Louie:No, no, no. You gotta be more direct. Tell her, 'I want to sleep with you.'

Alex:Louie, that's too crude.

Louie:Crude? That's not crude, that's honest! Women respect honesty. You say what you mean, you get what you want.

Alex:I don't know...

Louie:Trust me, I'm telling you the secret to success with women!

John:You're right, we should just forget about her.

John:So what time should we go talk to her?

John:Will you marry me?

Suzanne:Yes!

John:Wait, really?

Suzanne:I think we should take our time. There's no rush to get married.

John:You're right, you're absolutely right. We should do this properly.

Suzanne:I'm glad you understand.

John:So... one hour?

John:See? It's all in how you say it. The key is confidence and the right words.

Bobby:Yeah, what'd you say to her?

John:I just walked up and said, 'Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?'

Louie:That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

John:Yeah, well it worked, didn't it?

Unknown:He said, "If I didn't have to do it... If I could do it in my living room, I wouldn't have to do it in the backseat of your cab."

Alex Reiger:I'm alone. I'm always alone. Nobody wants to be with me.

Alex Reiger:Wait a minute... I invited this. I pushed everyone away. I chose this.

John:This is really your best time ever?

Suzanne:Yeah, why not?

John:Well, I mean... doesn't that kind of depress you? That this is as good as it gets?

Suzanne:Not really. I'm having a great time.

John:But think about it — if this is your best time, what does that say about the rest of your life?

John:What do you think about my bowling stance?

Suzanne:Well, your feet are too close together, your knees aren't bent enough, and you're holding the ball too high.

John:You really know about bowling?

Suzanne:Are you kidding? I bowl in a league!

John:What are your priorities?

Suzanne:Well, first I need to protect my bowling game.

Louie:I don't beat around the bush with my passengers. I tell 'em straight - no subtlety, no games.

Unknown:Yeah, we've all noticed your subtlety, Louie.

Louie:How many times? Let me think... I'd say it works about one time in four hundred and thirty-seven.

Louie:But that one time? Man, it was worth it.

John:You say one more word about my marriage and I'm gonna punch you right in the mouth.

John:I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. How much would it cost me?

John:Yeah, that girl from before... well, actually, I married her.

Alex:You actually proposed to her? I was just joking!

John:Well, she said yes.

Alex:John, you can't just propose to someone because of a joke!

John:We made a bet on bowling. I won, so she had to marry me.

John:We drove to Vegas in her Volvo and got married that same night.

John:So we started out at dawn, and the traffic on the expressway was terrible, so we took Route 9, which was slower but...

Alex:You flew there, didn't you?

John:Yeah.

Alex:Then zip it.

John:We were in Maryland before we knew it.

John:That car was going so fast, we didn't even realize we'd crossed the state line.

John:We went to McDonald's for our romantic dinner.

Louie:McDonald's? That's not romantic.

John:It was a special one—in Times Square.

John:We're staying at this really nice six-dollar motel.

Louie:A really nice six-dollar motel? That's an oxymoron.

Unknown:Did you and Sheila consummate the marriage?

John:Well, we would have, but every time we got close, her mother would knock on the door and ask if we wanted some hot chocolate.

Justice of the Peace:Do you take this woman to be your wife?

John:I do.

Justice of the Peace:And do you take this man to be your husband?

Woman:I will if he promises to stop wearing those ridiculous hats.

John:I, John, take thee to be my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

John:Wait, no—I meant to say I don't!

John:So we're driving home, right? And there's just this... silence. Deafening silence.

Louie:Yeah? So what'd you say?

John:Finally, she goes, 'We need gas.'

Louie:That's it?

John:That's it. I said, 'Yeah, okay.' We stopped at a Mobil station. Filled up the tank. Checked the oil.

Louie:You checked the oil?

John:What else are you gonna do?

John:I got home last night, and my wife had filled out a form.

John:It was a detailed questionnaire about our marriage.

John:Name, date of birth, Social Security number, next of kin...

John:I said, 'Honey, what is this?' She said, 'I'm filing our taxes early.'

John:I'm half crazy.

Alex:Only half?

Louie:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you just got married. My sincere congratulations.

Louie:Now get back to work, you lazy bum!

John Burns:I can't go home. She's there.

John Burns:Mrs. Me.

John:I'm afraid of marriage because statistically, a hundred percent of married people die.

Louie:A tire? What am I gonna do with a tire?

Louie:I need cash, not a spare.

Louie:Alright, you're on. On the count of three. One... two...

Louie:You know, I just found out my ex-wife is getting married again. To my brother.

Louie:THREE!

Louie:You want me to deliver a letter? That'll be five bucks.

Customer:Five bucks? That's outrageous! The post office only charges 29 cents.

Louie:Yeah, but the post office, they got trucks, they got planes, they got a whole system. Me? I'm just one guy. So it costs more.

Louie:You want to change your tax status? At the rate things are going with you and Elaine, you could be filing jointly by next week.

Alex:Don't worry about that letter. It's nothing to be concerned about.

John:Are you sure?

Alex:Absolutely. It's probably just some routine correspondence.

John:Okay, if you say so.

Alex:I'm telling you, it's nothing serious.

John:Well, let me just open it and see.

John:Oh my God. Alex... this is a notice of termination.

John:That's a beautiful letter. Whoever wrote this really knows how to express themselves.

Alex:Thank you.

John:Did you write this?

Alex:No, but I read it to you.

Alex:You know, I've been thinking about my life. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I spend most of my time with a bunch of cab drivers at a garage in New York City.

Alex:And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mr. Caruthers:Who is it?

John:Hi, I'm John. I'm here to see your daughter.

Mr. Caruthers:Well, come in, come in. Any young man who rings the doorbell instead of just walking in is trustworthy in my book.

Mr. Caruthers:You know, if a man were to hypothetically consider the possibility that his son might have, in some roundabout way, become involved with a young woman of a certain persuasion, not that I'm suggesting anything definitive, but if such a circumstance were to exist, would said man be correct in assuming that this development occurred at a specific juncture in time?

Alex:You want to know if I'm dating someone?

John:Is Suzanne there? I'd like to speak to her.

Suzanne's Father:She's not available right now.

John:Well, when she gets back, will you tell her that John Burns called? And that I... I think she's a wonderful person, and I'd very much like to take her to dinner sometime.

Mr. Caruthers:We believe in giving our daughter complete privacy. She doesn't tell us anything about her life, and we don't ask.

Mr. Caruthers:That's good parenting.

Mr. Caruthers:Not since 1987.

Mr. Caruthers:Love at first sight? That's the most ridiculous notion ever conceived by the human mind! It's a fantasy, a delusion, a trap set by nature to ensnare the foolish and the weak-willed! True love requires time, understanding, and compatibility—not some fleeting chemical reaction triggered by physical appearance! Anyone who believes in love at first sight is a hopeless romantic fool destined for disappointment and heartbreak!

Alex:I have to tell my parents I'm dropping out of school.

Louie:That's gonna be tough.

Alex:Yeah, well, they're very strict. Very traditional.

Danny:How bad could it be?

Alex:My father's idea of a liberal is someone who thinks there should be two kinds of mashed potatoes.

Alex:So what you're telling me is that her ex-husband is married to my ex-wife, and they're having a baby with my current wife's sister?

Louie:Alex, you're smiling.

Alex:I know.

Louie:Why are you smiling?

Alex:Because it's insane! How could I not smile at something this insane?

Alex:Yeah, I am getting into it.

Alex:You're staying in a motel room?

Mr. Caruthers:A motel room?! We have to leave. Now!

Mrs. Caruthers:Harold, what's wrong?

Mr. Caruthers:Don't ask questions, just move!

John:Suzanne, please don't get the annulment. I'm begging you.

Suzanne:No.

John:No, you won't get the annulment?

Suzanne:No, I will get the annulment.

John:But you just said no!

Suzanne:I said no to begging.

John:Mr. and Mrs. Borden, I have something important to ask you. I'd like your permission to marry your daughter.

Suzanne's Mother:That's wonderful, John! Of course you have our blessing.

John:Great, because we got married last week.

Unknown:Oh John, I heard about your divorce. I'm so sorry.

John:Divorce? No, no, my wife died.

Unknown:Oh! Well, congratulations!