Come As You Arent

Alex:Well, I don't know... it's not that good...

Alex:Actually, it's brilliant. I'm a genius.

Elaine:I've been so focused on my own stuff, I didn't even realize I was driving like a maniac.

Passenger:Wait, you didn't realize?

Elaine:Yeah, I was thinking about my problems the whole time. Sorry about that.

Elaine:Oh, I'm charmed. I'm absolutely charmed by your rudeness.

Elaine:I'll take you back to where I picked you up and we can start over.

Passenger:New Jersey? Forget it.

Elaine:Get out of my cab!

Elaine:Rape!

Passenger:I'm a eunuch.

Elaine:He's not even running that fast.

Other:Yeah, Tony, you revealed your hand. In fact, you revealed it so obviously, a blind man could've seen it.

Bobby:I had this fare once, a koala bear. Guy gets in the cab, he's shedding all over the place. I says to him, 'Pal, you're getting hair all over my upholstery.' He says, 'That's not hair.'

Elaine:I'm tired of being treated like a receptionist at the gallery.

Alex:But you are a receptionist.

Elaine:I feel strange. I feel different.

Alex:Well, maybe it's success. Success can do funny things to people.

Alex:Well, I'm glad I could be of service.

Alex:You lied to me.

Elaine:I didn't lie. I fudged.

Alex:What's the difference?

Elaine:Lying is when you say something that isn't true. Fudging is when you say something that isn't exactly true.

John:My father always said, 'Never lie. A lie is like a house built on sand.'

Alex:Your father was Shaw.

John:What? No, he was a very honest man.

Alex:Shaw. George Bernard Shaw. That's his famous quote about lies.

Tony:We can't go to Elaine's party because we're cabs drivers. We're the people cabs drivers make fun of.

Tony:My father used to say, 'The man who knows himself is truly free.'

Bobby:That's from Ibsen.

Tony:No, no, my father said it.

Bobby:It's Henrik Ibsen. Famous Norwegian playwright.

Tony:Well, my father must have read it somewhere.

Bobby:Your father was a playwright?

Tony:No, he was a cabdriver.

Bobby:A cabdriver quoting Ibsen?

Tony:He was very well-read for a cabdriver.

Latka:You want me to speak English? Okay, I tell you something very clear: you leave me alone or I break your face.

Louie:Yeah, I'll go to your art party. Maybe I'll even do some modeling for ya.

Elaine:Modeling? Louie, we need nude models.

Louie:So? I got a body. It's a nice body. The ladies think so.

Elaine:Louie, you'd have to take your clothes off.

Louie:Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm not shy. I spent three years in the Navy.

Elaine:Louie, I don't think that's a good idea.

Louie:Why not? I'd be great. I'd stand there, real still, real dignified. The artists would be sketching away, real impressed. Then afterward, maybe some of those artsy types would want to take me out for coffee or something.

Latka:Bobby! Bobby, I hear you tell story about koala bear. Is true story?

Bobby:Yeah, Latka, it was real.

Latka:Wow! In my country, we have no koala bears. We have different animals. But I think maybe you make this up, because koala bear cannot do what you say.

Bobby:Why not?

Latka:Because koala bear is not aggressive animal! Koala bear is gentle. Koala bear eat eucalyptus leaves and sleep in tree. Koala bear not do what you say!

Elaine:Isn't it embarrassing arriving first to a party?

Alex:I wouldn't know, I've never been invited to a party.

Elaine:So what do you think of my apartment?

Alex:

Elaine:Well?

Alex:

Elaine:Say something!

Elaine:What about those off-brand liquors?

Alex:Well, I don't like to kiss and tell.

Elaine:Where's Betty's vodka?

Alex:Oh, I got her into bed last night.

Elaine:You what?

Alex:Yeah, I finally got her to lie down. She's been on her feet for three days.

Elaine:I bought canned champagne.

Alex:Canned champagne? Why would they can champagne?

Elaine:I don't know, it was on sale.

Alex:Well, I'll tell you why. It's for people who are too busy to get drunk.

Alex:They're just people.

Alex:Oh my God!

Latka:I go get my party clothes from the truck.

Latka:Here they are - my fancy overalls!

Alex:Yeah, you can tell. You're hardly twitching at all.

Elaine:You're so ethical, Alex. You're like a saint.

Alex:No, no, no. I'm not ethical. I'm just a coward. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd do terrible things. But I'm afraid of getting caught.

Latka:You know, I have been studying the art of party conversation. I have collected many lines.

Latka:For example: 'Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?'

Latka:Or: 'Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.'

Latka:And my personal favorite: 'Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.'

Alex:Who taught Latka those pickup lines?

Tony:It wasn't me.

Tony:But I want them.

Tony:They left early? Good! More booze for us!

Latka:Hey baby, are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.

Latka:Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Latka:Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.

Latka:Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Alex:I don't understand it. The guy walks up to a woman and says, 'Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.' And she goes for it!

Latka:Is simple, Alex. Woman, she not think about what I say. She think about how I say it.

Alex:But that doesn't make any sense!

Latka:Exactly. She so confused, she say yes before she figure out what happened.

Alex:Oil fire fighter? Yeah, that's right. I fight fires. In oil fields. It's very dangerous work.

Alex:Just last week, I was rappelling down into a burning oil well, flames shooting up all around me, and I had to use this special foam that costs about fifty thousand dollars a canister.

Alex:The thing about oil fires is, you can't use water. Everyone thinks you use water, but no. Water makes it worse.

Alex:You know, I used to fight oil fires. Each one had its own personality. The North Sea fire in '82? That was a real hothead. The one off the coast of Angola? Moody, unpredictable. And the Texas blowout? That one just wanted attention.

Alex:I sort of like fudging.

Alex:My biggest fire? Well, there was this one time when I accidentally set the entire garage ablaze.

Alex:But that was nothing compared to when I somehow managed to ignite the whole city block.

Alex:Actually, now that I think about it, I once caught the entire state of New Jersey on fire.

Alex:And just last week, I'm pretty sure I set the sun on fire.

Rita:Oh come on, Alex. It's not that bad.

Alex:Not that bad? Rita, this party is full of phonies.

Rita:Well, maybe you're being a little harsh.

Alex:I'm telling you, they're all phonies.

Latka:Oh, is very bad, very bad. Too many phonies here.

Alex:Attractive? Me? Rita, I... I don't know what to say. Well, actually, I do know what to say, but my throat's closing up and my palms are sweating and I think I'm about to pass out, so... can we just sit here quietly for a minute while I try to remember how to breathe like a normal human being?

Elaine:You know what? I've had it! Do you have any idea what you've put me through? All night long, I've been biting my tongue, and I can't take it anymore!

Elaine:Do you remember me?

James:Oh yes, of course. It was a Tuesday.

James:Wait, you're a cab driver too?

Alex:Yeah, been driving for five years now.

James:Oh. Well, I gotta go.

Alex:Rita's gone. She left me for that guy from the insurance company.

Alex:You know what the worst part is? I'm not even surprised. I saw it coming from a mile away.

Alex:But did I do anything about it? No. I just sat there like I was waiting for the three-alarm fire to start before I took action.

Alex:She called me garbage.

Elaine:You know, that's actually a pretty good metaphor. Men are like garbage. We put them out, we forget about them, and then we're surprised when they smell bad and attract rats.

Alex:Even worse insult than being called garbage

Elaine:I'll die if you don't forgive me.

Alex:You know, Elaine, I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right. I overreacted.

Elaine:Really? I'm glad you see it my way.

Alex:Yeah, I mean, compared to some of the stuff I've been through, this is nothing. Remember that time I told you about the oil fire in Newark?

Elaine:Alex, those stories are completely made up.

Alex:Exactly. So this little argument? Forget about it. We're fine.