Zenas Honeymoon

Alex:You're inviting Louie to your wedding? After everything that happened between you two?

Zena:I know it's awkward, but I want to move forward. I'm sending him an invitation.

Alex:Well, if you're going to do this, my advice is: duck.

Zena:Duck? What do you mean?

Alex:When he sees you at the altar, duck.

Jim:Congratulations, Zena! I heard you're getting married to Louie!

Zena:What? No, I'm not marrying Louie!

Jim:You're not? Then who are you marrying?

Zena:I'm marrying someone else.

Jim:Well, Louie, you monkey! Why didn't you tell us about your engagement?

Jim:Oh, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Zena is the sun. But hark! She doth marry another! To wed or not to wed—that is no longer the question, for the answer hath been taken from me!

Iggy:I finally caught it! Been trying all week!

Iggy:Set the trap right by the baseboard, and sure enough, snap! Got him!

Iggy:That rat never knew what hit him.

Louie:You're looking particularly beautiful today.

Zena:Oh, Louie, you're just saying that because my mirror is broken.

Louie:Jeff, check my calendar for me.

Jeff:There's a roach on it.

Louie:A French restaurant? Sure, sure. I'll meet you there. I speak French.

Louie:Bon-jour, bay-bee.

Louie:Operation Reconciliation.

Louie:Zena wants me back. I can feel it. So I got us reservations at that fancy French place, bought some cologne, even got a new shirt.

Alex:Louie, what makes you think she wants to get back together?

Louie:She smiled at me! She actually smiled!

Louie:I'm telling you, we're getting back together. I even rented a suite at the Plaza for tonight.

Tony:Did she say she wanted to get back together?

Louie:No, but she will. Trust me, by the end of the night, we'll be—

Zena:Louie, I came to tell you I'm getting married.

Louie:You think I'm not man enough for Zena? I've dated plenty of women like her.

Alex:Women like her? Louie, there is no woman like Zena.

Louie:What are you talking about? I can handle any woman.

Alex:Can you handle the fact that she doesn't need you?

Louie:Of course I— I... Look, maybe I like her because she doesn't need me, okay? Maybe that's the whole thing. Maybe I'm tired of women who do.

Zena:Have there been any changes in your life?

Louie:Nope.

Louie:You know, I've had a lot of relationships. Some good, some bad. But I've learned that the key to any successful relationship is recognition. You gotta know when you've done something right.

Louie:That's why I created my own award system. I give myself a plaque every time I do something nice for a woman.

Louie:I got three of 'em on my wall at home. One for listening, one for remembering her birthday, and one for not mentioning my ex-wife.

Louie:The best part? I design the plaques myself, I vote on the winners, and I present them to myself at a fancy dinner. Last year I won Best Supporting Actor in My Own Love Life.

Louie:Zena, I want you to know that I forgive you. I'm a big enough man to put aside my personal feelings.

Zena:Forgive me for what?

Louie:For whatever it is you did that made me mad. I don't even remember anymore, but I forgive you anyway.

Zena:Louie, I have an announcement. I'm getting married.

Louie:Married? You're asking me to forgive you?

Zena:What? No, I'm telling you I'm engaged.

Louie:Yeah, I heard you the first time. And my answer is no. Whatever it is, I'm not forgiving it.

Louie:Happy? Happy? Happy? Happy? Happy? Happy? Whee!

Louie:Who's Zena marrying?

Louie:What's the poor victim's name?

Zena:I want to tell you about my fiancé—

Louie:No! I don't want to hear it.

Louie:I won't make things difficult.

Louie:Just one last sexual encounter.

Zena:I'll forget you said that.

Louie:What? What did I say? Tell me again so I can make sure you forget it right.

Louie:What? She didn't even look back at me!

Louie:I'm not paying for dinner.

Louie:But I'm eating everything.

Louie:What are you looking at? You got a problem?

Louie:And you—eyes forward, pal. This is a private meal.

Louie:I see you staring, I'm gonna have a real problem with that.

Alex:How are you feeling?

Jeff:How do I look?

Jim:I can't believe I caught the bouquet. I'm a man!

Bobby:Yeah, Jim. That's traditionally the woman's thing.

Jim:I know that! It just came right at me. What was I supposed to do, let it hit me in the face?

Louie:I would've.

Louie:I can't be running off to weddings every day!

Tony:I talked to Zena's new husband. He's a child psychiatrist.

Tony:I said, 'A child psychiatrist? That's wonderful!' He said, 'Yeah, I make a lot of money.' I said, 'No, I mean it's wonderful that you help children with their emotional problems.' He said, 'Oh yeah, that too, I guess.'

Louie:I took her out on a boat ride. Very romantic.

Louie:We were betting on the sewage.

Louie:I let her win.

Louie:She's gonna share it with her new husband. She's gonna take him down to the sewers, and they're gonna spot sewage together. Our thing. The thing we did.

Alex:Louie, you missed the wedding. How could you miss the wedding?

Louie:I had things to do.

Alex:Things to do? Louie, this was important!

Louie:So was what I was doing.

Alex:You know what? When you die, they're gonna put on your tombstone 'In loving memory of Louie De Palma.'

Louie:So?

Alex:So that's a contradiction in terms.

Alex:His beautiful, heartfelt suggestion

Louie:That's beautiful, Alex. That's really beautiful. You know, I'm gonna use that line myself.

Alex:You are?

Louie:Yeah. It'll sound real classy coming from me.

Louie:You know what? I'm gonna start being more romantic. More poetic. I'm gonna add beautiful sentiments to my life.

Louie:From this moment forward, I shall endeavor to speak with the eloquence of the finest troubadours.

Louie:Each word that passes my lips will be a delicate flower, carefully arranged in the garden of human discourse.

Louie:Nay! I shall be as the nightingale, singing melodies of such exquisite beauty that angels themselves would weep with envy!

Zena:So what do you want to do first on our honeymoon cruise?

Tom:I don't know. Maybe we could go to that shuffleboard tournament?

Zena:Shuffleboard? On our honeymoon?

Tom:Well, there's also early bird bingo at 4 o'clock.

Zena:4 o'clock in the afternoon?

Tom:Or we could attend the lecture on arthritis prevention.

Zena:This is not the honeymoon I imagined.

Tom:There's also a mandatory shuffleboard tournament rematch at dawn.

Louie:Hey, congratulations on the wedding! So tell me, how's the honeymoon treating you two lovebirds? You consummating that marriage yet, or are you still working up to it?

Louie:I'm a legend, Tom. A ghost. I drift through this garage like a phantom, untouchable, unforgettable.

Louie:Let me tell you something, Tom. You're looking at a legend. You should feel honored to be in the same room as me.

Louie:You know what? I think Zena was sparing your feelings.

Tom:Sparing my feelings?

Louie:Yeah. She didn't want to hurt you by telling you the truth — that I'm the important one around here, not you.

Louie:What's so hard to believe? I'm a catch. I got a job, I got an apartment, I got a suit that don't have any stains on it... much. Look, I'm not saying I'm a prize, but I'm not exactly chopped liver either. I'm more like... I'm like a can of beans that somebody left in the back of the cupboard. You know, it's still good, but nobody's excited about eating it.

Tom:Wait, you're my competition?

Louie:That's right, pal. Me. I'm your competition.

Tom:You?

Louie:Yeah, me. What's the matter? You think you're better than me or something?

Tom:I understand Louie. He's just expressing himself through deviant behavior.

Tom:Louie, I think your aggressive behavior stems from deep-seated insecurity and a need to dominate others as compensation for—

Louie:Oh yeah? How's this for compensation?

Louie:Why am I doing this, Tom? What does it mean?

Tom:Louie, stop!

Louie:No, seriously, analyze me! What's my problem?

Tom:Why are you attacking me?

Louie:Because you're here.

Louie:You know, I been thinking about myself lately. I'm not a bad guy, really. So what if I strangle a few people, or maybe I boost a car now and then? That don't make me a bad person. Everybody's got their little habits, right?

Louie:You know, Alex, I've been thinking about what you said. All these years, I thought I was just a dispatcher barking orders. But you... you made me see that maybe there's something more to it all.

Alex:Louie, that's... that's beautiful.

Louie:Yeah, well, don't get used to it. I'm still gonna dock your pay for being late.

Louie:I didn't say that. Alex did.

Louie De Palma:You know what? I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna be real with you for once in my life. You wanna know the truth? I had dreams once. Big dreams. I was gonna be somebody. And look at me now—I'm running a garage full of misfits, I'm broke, I'm alone, and the only thing I got to show for it is this dispatcher's booth and a bunch of yellow cabs that barely run. That's it. That's my life. And you know what the worst part is? I don't even remember when I stopped trying.

Louie:You remember that night we went down to the sewage plant? That was the most romantic night of my life.

Zena:Louie, that was the night you got stuck in the overflow pipe.

Louie:Yeah, and you stayed with me the whole time. That's when I knew you loved me.