Get Me Through The Holidays

Unknown character:It's not a tapestry; it's a travesty.

Unknown character:We're expecting Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.

Unknown character:You look just like Santa in that outfit.

Unknown character:Last time I saw something that round and red, I was nine months pregnant.

Going to give presents to juvenile delinquents - Dark twist on 'opening presents' - implies violence

Phyllis:I swear, Alex, it's like God wanted us to run into each other!

Alex:Phyllis, that's not divine intervention. That's just coincidence.

Phyllis:No, no. I was just thinking about you, and here you are. That proves God exists.

Alex:That's not how that works.

Phyllis:Well, were you thinking about me?

Alex:No.

Phyllis:See? God IS real. He made you run into me even though you weren't thinking about me. Only God could do that.

Phyllis:Do you think God listens to our prayers?

Alex:I don't know, Phyllis. I'm too busy trying to listen to the dispatcher.

Phyllis:I have no one for Christmas. There's a restraining order.

Phyllis:You know, about last Christmas...

Alex:Phyllis, I wasn't going to ask.

Phyllis:Well, I'm telling you anyway!

Phyllis:Can I come along in the taxi?

Alex:No, I'm sorry, this is a private fare.

Phyllis:What if I crouch down in the back seat so nobody sees me?

Alex:No.

Phyllis:What if I dress up like a seat cover?

Alex:No.

Phyllis:What if I hide in the trunk and make taxi noises?

Phyllis:Alex, I have a proposition for you.

Alex:What kind of proposition?

Phyllis:I need someone to help me move some things. I'll pay you fifty dollars.

Alex:Fifty dollars? That's... well, what exactly needs to be moved?

Phyllis:Just some items in my trunk. It'll only take an hour or so.

Alex:Your trunk? I... yeah, okay, I could use fifty bucks. When do you—wait. Your trunk? Phyllis, no.

Phyllis:I don't have any plans for Christmas. I'm going to spend it alone in my apartment.

Phyllis:But I want my doorman to think I'm going out. So I'm going to get dressed up, put on makeup, and at 8 o'clock, I'm going to walk through the lobby like I'm going somewhere fabulous.

Louie:You know what? It's Christmas Eve. Go on, get outta here. I'm lettin' you off early.

Jeff:Thanks, Louie! I really appreciate it.

Louie:Don't mention it. Merry Christmas.

Jeff:You too. By the way, I was only supposed to work six more minutes anyway.

Elaine:Why would they choose him? What does he have that I don't have?

Alex:A job.

Singing telegram performer:♪ Oh Elaine, you're so fine, you blow my mind, Elaine, Elaine! ♪

Alex:You know what really embarrasses me? When someone sings to me. I just... I can't handle it.

Jim:Don't worry about it, Alex. You're not important enough to get a singing telegram.

Singing telegram performer:Alex is a guy who's really quite a jerk, he messes with people at work and at work...

Alex:This is pathetic.

Singing telegram performer:He's got a big head and he's really not bright, and his tie doesn't match and it's way too tight...

Alex:Jim, I'm going to kill you.

Telegram Singer:You're harder to get rid of than a Christmas fruitcake!

Alex:Hey, I'm not a fruitcake, I'm a cute cake!

Louie De Palma:Listen up, you bums. Christmas Eve, everybody's in a good mood, they're drunk, they're generous with tips. So work the airport, work the hotels, work anywhere tourists congregate. And keep your cab clean — nobody tips a slob.

Louie De Palma:And another thing — if some drunk tries to short you on the fare, you know where to find him. Most people don't move on Christmas Eve. Oh, and one more thing: smile. It costs you nothing, and it'll get you an extra buck or two.

Louie De Palma:So there you have it. Now get out there and make some money. And Merry Christmas to all of you — may your fares be long and your customers be drunk and stupid.

Simka:You make the cabbies work Christmas Eve? This is terrible!

Louie:What do you want from me? It's the busiest night of the year.

Simka:You should give them a luxury! Something special!

Louie:A luxury? Fine. I'll give them a luxury.

Louie:Tomorrow, the cabs get reverse gear.

Louie:What is this? 'Pay to the order of Louie the Bum'?

Simka:That's how you spell your name, isn't it?

Simka:Who would question that?

Simka:Oh, Louie! You charge for the radio because you are poor and lonely and nobody loves you!

Louie:Hey, knock it off!

Latka:You like Christmas ham?

Latka:You bring it yourself.

Alex:Phyllis, what happened to all the food?

Phyllis:Oh, I've been stressed lately.

Phyllis:You know, Alex, I spent Christmas Eve watching one of those innocent little Christmas specials on television.

Phyllis:It was so depressing. All those happy families, all that joy and togetherness.

Phyllis:And I realized — those people aren't real. They're actors. They go home to empty apartments and drink alone, just like the rest of us.

Alex:What can I get you, Phyllis?

Phyllis:Oh, just some ice cream, a box of tissues, and maybe a bottle of wine.

Alex:That's quite a combination. Bad day?

Phyllis:Bad week. Bad month. Bad life.

Alex:Phyllis, I'm throwing a party this Saturday. I'd love for you to come.

Phyllis:A party? For me?

Alex:Well, for everyone, but I hope you'll be there.

Phyllis:Is this real, or am I having another one of my medical hallucinations?

Jim:You know, at Christmas my family had this wonderful tradition. We'd all gather around the fireplace and watch the servants prepare the holiday meal.

Jim:Okay, a little higher on the left. No, your other left. And fluff that section more. Actually, you know what? Start over.

Jim:I don't pay you to think, I pay you to decorate. Now move it along, we're on a schedule here.

Elaine:So this guy tells me his wife is cheating on him, right? And he's thinking about buying her this really expensive gift to win her back. I'm like, 'Are you crazy?' But then he does it anyway. Buys her this gorgeous necklace. And you know what? She leaves him for the guy she was cheating with. Takes the necklace with her.

Louie:It's a vibrator. Forty bucks.

Someone:Louie!

Louie:What? I'm being reasonable. A good one runs seventy-five.

Phyllis:I don't like being introduced as your ex-wife.

Alex:Okay, how about I introduce you as the woman I used to be married to but am no longer married to?

Phyllis:I have none of those things.

Phyllis:I went to this restaurant last night, sat at the counter, ordered coffee. The waitress knew my name.

Phyllis:She didn't ask me what I wanted. She just brought me my usual.

Phyllis:I've been going there for three months. Three months! And I realized... I'm the only regular they remember who eats alone.

Phyllis:I was struck by a revelation.

Louie:I'm hoping for a literal bus strike.

Phyllis:I've spent my whole life waiting for the right man. I've turned down countless opportunities, rejected advances from men who could have given me everything. And do you know why? Because I was holding out for true love, for that one special person who would make all the sacrifice worthwhile. Well, I finally found him. He's perfect in every way. And then I realized... I'm not good enough for him.

Louie:Yeah, well, at least you're not a high school biology teacher from Minneapolis who drives a cab to support his family.

Louie:Now you listen to me, you little punks. You're gonna go in there and you're gonna have a good time. You're gonna smile, you're gonna laugh, and you're gonna be polite. And if I find out you weren't cheerful and religious the whole time, I'm gonna break every bone in your body!

Louie:We need the oldest woman here to lead the prayer.

Phyllis:Well, that would be me.

Louie:How old are you?

Phyllis:I'm not telling you my age!

Louie:Come on, Phyllis. Just tell us.

Phyllis:Fine. I'm sixty-three.

Louie:Alright, Phyllis, you're leading the prayer.

Phyllis:I can't believe I just told everyone that.

Phyllis:Lord, we thank you for this food and ask that you bless it to the nourishment of our bodies.

Phyllis:And Lord, if you could see fit to allocate a little more of your resources to the Knicks this season, we would be most grateful.

Phyllis:I know you've got a lot on your plate with world hunger and disease, but maybe you could work the Knicks in somewhere between those two?

Phyllis:Just a thought. Amen.

Phyllis:Dear God, I know you're very busy, what with all those Ice Capades performers and baseball players you have to watch over, but I was wondering if you could spare a moment for me...

Alex:You're nagging God.

Phyllis:And Lord, if it's not too much trouble, could you do something about skirt lengths? They're getting shorter every year. And while you're at it, how about taking a firm stand on drugs?

Phyllis:And world peace.

Alex:Oh, well NOW we're gonna get it.

Jim:Well, after that prayer, I'd be happy to die.

Phyllis:I'm ruining Christmas, aren't I?

Jim:No, no. Don't worry about it.

Phyllis:I can feel it. I'm spreading my depression all over the holiday.

Jim:Well, if it helps, I've got money, so I'm protected.

Jim:Yeah, well, we got a call from the entertainment union. They said they were sending over some performers for a big event downtown. I guess somebody didn't tell them we were a taxi garage.

Alex:Oh Phyllis, this is the greatest gift anyone's ever given me!

Phyllis:Well, you're welcome.

Alex:No, you don't understand. You're actually leaving? For New Year's?

Phyllis:Well, I could stay if you'd rather.

Alex:No! No, please go!

Alex:You're leaving town? That's the greatest gift you could give me!

Phyllis:Well, if you don't like that, I could just give you a nice casual shirt.

Phyllis:Come on, Alex. New Year's kiss. It's tradition.

Alex:Phyllis, I don't think that's a good idea.

Phyllis:Oh, come on. Just a little kiss. Ten seconds.

Alex:No, really, I—

Phyllis:Ten! Nine! Eight!

Alex:Phyllis, stop—

Phyllis:Seven! Six! Five!

Alex:I'm backing away now.

Phyllis:Four! Three! Two!

Alex:I'm leaving the room.

Phyllis:One! Happy New Year!

Alex:Happy New Year, Phyllis.