Louie Moves Uptown

Alex:What's wrong, Iggy? You worried about bills like the rest of us?

Iggy:Bills? No, no. I'm rich. I've got money coming in constantly.

Alex:You're rich?

Iggy:Sure. Every day more money arrives. It never stops.

Alex:Why don't you just cash the checks?

Iggy:Cash them? Are you crazy? Checks are much safer than money.

Alex:Safer? How are checks safer than money?

Iggy:Well, if someone steals a check, they can't spend it. But if someone steals money, they can spend it right away.

Iggy:You know what worries me most about business managers stealing money?

Louie:What?

Iggy:I'd miss you more than the money.

Alex:You need two forms of ID.

Iggy:Two?! That's great! I'll get my license and my library card!

Tony:I'm going to be a little bit late. I love to touch her all over when she's like this.

Louie:You know what? Tony is my favorite person in this whole cab company. Yeah, that's right. My favorite.

Louie:But do I go around telling him that? Do I give him compliments? Do I treat him nice? No. Because that's not how I operate.

Louie:Why do I stay in this awful apartment? The rent's too high, the plumbing doesn't work, there's a stain on the ceiling I can't identify...

Elaine:Because you're a bitter, lonely man with no friends and nowhere else to go.

Louie:You know what my dream apartment is? A place where the toilet flushes on the first try, the shower has hot water, and the radiator doesn't sound like a dying animal at three in the morning.

Louie:That's luxury to me.

Louie:Yeah, what do ya want?

Louie:Oh, I'm sorry, I apologize. That was the old Louie. The new Louie is much more pleasant.

Louie:What is this? How does it work? Look at these ice cubes... they're hollow! They're hollow!

Louie:In all my years, I never seen nothing like this. Hollow ice cubes. This is fancy. This is real fancy.

Louie:You know what I heard? If you put a wedding ring in the microwave, it sterilizes you. That's why so many married guys can't have kids.

Louie:It's the cooking position. You're standing right there next to it while it's running. The radiation, it goes right through ya.

Louie:All their lives? They're twelve years old!

Mrs. Sheffield:My husband doesn't want children yet.

Louie:Yeah? Well, tell him to put his shorts in the microwave.

Louie:$95,000? I'll take it!

Louie:I need $48,000 for a cab.

Iggy:I'll lend it to you on one condition.

Louie:What's that?

Iggy:The cab's gotta have a heater.

Louie:Iggy, I need to borrow some money. Please, I'm desperate.

Iggy:You called me Iggy! You know my first name! Nobody ever calls me by my first name!

Louie:Iggy, baby, you know I think you're the most beautiful woman in this garage.

Iggy:Louie, what do you want?

Louie:Can't a man just appreciate a woman's... assets?

Iggy:How much do you need to borrow?

Louie:Just five hundred bucks, sweetheart. What do you say? For old times' sake?

Iggy:The answer is no.

Louie:Come on, gorgeous. Don't break my heart.

Iggy:Your heart broke a long time ago, Louie. Your wallet's about to join it.

Louie:I'll give you 3% interest.

Alex:3%? That's ridiculous. I want 12%.

Iggy:Done. I'll take it.

Iggy:You gotta tell them you're from a working-class background, that you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. They eat that stuff up.

Iggy:Of course, in my case, my father bought my way in. But they don't need to know that.

Louie:Should I get my fingernails trimmed?

Alex:Trimmed? They need condemnation.

Iggy:What are you talking about? Louie's a good-looking guy. I mean, sure, he's got that thing going on with his face, but that just gives him character. Plus, he's got a great personality. Women love that.

Alex:You know, I've seen discrimination in this city. But nothing compares to what happened to me last week at the bank.

Alex:I'm standing at the teller window, trying to cash a check. The teller takes one look at me, turns around, and just walks away.

Alex:Doesn't say a word. Doesn't come back. I'm standing there with my check in the air like an idiot.

Alex:Ten minutes later, the manager comes over and says, 'We're closing.' It's 2 PM on a Tuesday.

Alex:Being treated as a criminal threat just for existing

Alex:What kind of look do you want me to give you if you say something stupid?

Iggy:*makes exaggerated facial expression*

Louie:Give me a warning look if I say something stupid.

Alex:I'll give you a warning look.

Jim:[demonstrates with an exaggerated facial expression]

Elaine:Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

Board Member:You're paying me to act like a chicken?

Elaine:It's based on reality.

Elaine:Yes! Yes, I want the apartment! I'll do the chicken!

Elaine:I'll do it right now! Watch me!

Elaine:Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Board Member:We have nothing against show business people, you understand. It's just that they're all cocaine addicts, they sleep with each other's wives, and they're basically unemployable.

Board Member:Even English actors — and they're supposedly more respectable — we won't let them in the building.

Elaine:So you rejected me, huh? What, am I not good enough for this place?

Louie:That's right, you're not.

Elaine:Well, who do you hire? What kind of person would be good enough for you?

Louie:We got standards here.

Elaine:Oh yeah? So who works here?

Louie:I'm a dispatcher. I coordinate the entire fleet, manage communications, handle logistics...

Alex:You yell at drivers and eat donuts.

Alex:You're saying I look like a pelican?

Board Member:Well, not exactly. But you have to admit, there's a certain resemblance around the nose and the way you carry yourself.

Alex:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Board Member:Is it? Have you ever seen a pelican and a Jewish man in the same room together?

Louie:What do you mean, what kind of friends do I have? I got plenty of friends. Why, just last week I was hosting the British ambassador at my place.

Louie:He wasn't defending me. He was my accountant. That was my accountant!

Board Member:We like the way you throw your people under the bus. That's the kind of ruthlessness we need in management.

Louie:Well, I learned from the best.

Alex:You know what you are, Louie? You're nothing but a couple of posturing chowderheads.

Louie:I'm gonna do cartwheels!

Louie:I'm gonna do cartwheels all the way down the stairs!