Jims Marios

Louie:What happened? You get hit by a truck?

Simka:No, Louie. I'm wearing makeup. I'm a cosmetics consultant now.

Louie:A consultant? Lady, the only thing you're consulting is a mirror to see how bad it looks.

Simka:Well, you see, Elaine, I got a very good deal. The man, he was very motivated to sell. He said, 'Simka, I give you eighteen states for five hundred dollars.' I said, 'What's the catch?' He said, 'There is no catch.' So I bought it.

Elaine:Five hundred dollars for eighteen states?

Simka:That's right. Very good price.

Elaine:Simka, that's insane. What about inventory? What about—

Simka:Inventory comes with the price. Everything. The whole thing.

Elaine:And the quality of the food?

Simka:Ah, well, that explains the ridiculously low price.

Simka:You buy the whole jar of perfume, I give you a free gift!

Elaine:Really? What is it?

Simka:The lid.

Elaine:How would you like to be paid?

Simka:Oh, very much! I like to be paid!

Elaine:When can I expect delivery of my cosmetics?

Simka:Ehhh, maybe Tuesday, maybe Wednesday, maybe next month. You know how it is.

Louie:What'd you buy?

Jim:A new suit.

Louie:Finally! Your brother's been saying you needed one for years.

Jim:Yeah, well, I don't care what he says. I like it.

Jim:Look at this rare coin I bought for $5,000. It's going to be worth a fortune!

Alex:That's quite an investment, Jim.

Jim:I know, I'm thinking long-term here. This baby is going to—

Jim:Wait a minute. Wait just a minute.

Jim:Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Alex:What? What is it?

Jim:I already spent it. I spent the five grand on coffee.

Jim:Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You're upset that I used a rare coin worth five thousand dollars?

Jim:But did you notice it was a perfect temperature? Not too hot, not too cold. And the foam on top was absolutely immaculate.

Jim:Wait, wait. I just realized something. I've been drinking this coffee the whole time we've been talking about my coin. Do you know how much this coffee cost?

Jim:I'm halfway through it!

Alex:Is it art?

Jim:No, no, no. My brother's name is Murray.

Alex:Why did you choose Mario's restaurant as an investment?

Jim:Well, I seriously considered buying Disney World, but the monthly electric bill was a killer.

Alex:You know, Mario's has been failing for years. It's like a funeral home - except funeral homes have return business.

Tony:You know why we really eat at Mario's? Because it's right next to the garage.

Jim:What's wrong with that?

Tony:Nothing. But we could eat at that French restaurant across the street if it wasn't next to the dry cleaner.

Jim:Picture this: we gut the whole place, right? We put in a sunken living room, a conversation pit. We get a harpist—a beautiful woman in a flowing white gown—playing on a swan boat that glides across an indoor moat we've installed.

Jim:Every time someone orders a drink, the swan boat makes another pass. It's elegant, it's sophisticated, it's—

Mario:It's insane.

Jim:A little insane, yes, but in a classy way.

Tony:What is this? A restaurant or a disco ball factory? You're gonna need a bouncer just to keep the sequins out!

Tony:We get some free peanuts, good wine, people will come.

Tony:I lived in a bar for three years.

Jim:A piano? Where are we gonna put a piano on a boat?

Tom:I think it should be burned to the ground, the wreckage bulldozed, the ashes scattered and the earth salted so that nothing will ever grow on this spot again.

Jim:You know, before we blow up the whole place, maybe we could try painting it first?

Jim:Just a thought.

Tom:I'd like to propose a toast to Jim, a man whose incompetence is only matched by his complete lack of self-awareness.

Jim:Thank you, thank you! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me!

Jim:It's okay, Tom. We're brothers. Brothers can say anything to each other.

Tom:Yeah, that's right.

Jim:You're stupid.

Jim:The one dangerous activity Tom actually encouraged? Becoming a cab driver.

Jim:Business is picking up.

Tony:How can you tell?

Jim:I kicked out a customer today.

Tony:That's picking up?

Jim:He was wearing a yellow shirt. I don't like yellow shirts.

Jim:The chef was making the same spinning motions with soup.

Jim:Worms? Those aren't worms, those are noodles. I painted eyes on 'em.

Jim:I made a worm out of spaghetti and a button. I'd take it out to the park every day, feed it breadcrumbs, talk to it. It kept me sane.

Tony:You know what would bring in customers? Ladies' night. Half price for women.

Jim:We tried that. Turns out there's no women dumb enough to come to this bar.

Jim:I held a wet T-shirt contest.

Jim:The only contestant was my mother.

Jim:I'd rather Tom see an empty bar than have him walk in and see customers throwing food at him.

Louie:Frank Sinatra? Sure, he was in here last night. Sat right over there by the window. Had a drink, couple of laughs with some friends.

Louie:And then Dean Martin came in around nine o'clock. Him and Frank, they knew each other from way back, so they sat together for about an hour.

Louie:Sammy Davis Jr. stopped by too. He didn't stay long though—had to get to a show or something.

Louie:Sister, I'm so glad you came by. I've been praying for guidance on how to be a better man.

Nun:That's wonderful, Louis. We'll pray for you.

Louie:And I'll pray for all of you, sisters. God bless you.

Nun:We'll pray for you too, Louis. You need it.

Jim:That's Farrah Fawcett.

Jim:And that's Raquel Welch.

Jim:Over there, that's Cher.

Jim:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our establishment! We have a very special treat for you this evening. For the first time anywhere, performing exclusively here at our humble cab company, fresh from sold-out performances at Carnegie Hall, the Philharmonic, and the Vatican, I present to you the incomparable, the magnificent, the legendary ALEX REIGER on the piano!

Alex:Jim, I asked you not to—

Jim:A man of mystery, a man of sophistication, a man who can make Rachmaninoff weep! ALEX REIGER!

Alex:I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not performing tonight.

Customer 1:What do you mean you can't? We paid for this!

Customer 2:Yeah, you promised us a show!

Alex:I understand, but I just can't go through with it.

Customer 1:This is unbelievable. We came all this way...

Customer 2:What are we supposed to do now?

Alex:You know what? Maybe we should get a full band together. I'm thinking drums, bass, maybe some horns.

Alex:We could really make something special here.

Tracy Donovan:My mother has terrible arthritis. The pain is unbearable. She can barely move her hands anymore.

Jim Ignatowski:That's awful. Is there anything I can do to help?

Tracy Donovan:Well, there is one thing. I know a guy who can get me some pills that really help with the pain. But I need someone to help me pick them up.

Jim Ignatowski:Sure, I'll help you. When do we go?

Jim:Look, I lost everything. Can I at least defend myself?

Agent:Fine, go ahead.

Jim:Don't say I didn't warn you.

Jim:*sprays seltzer*

Jim:You can't touch me! I'm a federal offender!