A Grand Gesture

Homeless man:Spare some change?

Passenger:Sorry, I don't have any cash.

Homeless man:How about a quarter then?

Passenger:I really don't have anything.

Homeless man:A dime? A nickel?

Passenger:Nothing at all.

Homeless man:Well then, how about that jacket?

Louie:Hey, get outta here! Go on, scram!

Iggy:Wait, Louie, why'd you kick him out but not me?

Louie:There's a difference, ya airhead. He's a scuzzo.

Iggy:What's the difference between a scuzzo and an airhead?

Louie:A scuzzo's got no money. An airhead's got no brains. You got no brains AND no money, so you're a scuzzo-airhead, which means you work here.

Jim:Louie, you should be more sensitive to people's feelings.

Louie:Sensitive? What are you talking about?

Homeless man:He's got a point, Louie. You ain't exactly the compassionate type.

Jim:Wait! Wait! Come back here! I'll give you fifty bucks!

Alex:Jim, you're too generous. You just gave away a thousand dollars.

Jim:Was that wrong?

Homeless man:From one bum to another

Jim:What?

Homeless man:Thanks for being so generous

Alex:Why are you so generous, Jim?

Jim:Generosity? That's just selfishness.

Alex:What do you mean?

Jim:When you help someone, you feel good about yourself. That's selfish. I help people because it makes me happy.

Jim:Not a lot? I just gave you five thousand dollars!

Jim:That's not a lot of money?

Alex:Jim, you're spending money like there's no tomorrow!

Jim:You know what your problem is? You're jealous.

Alex:Jealous? I'm trying to help you!

Jim:Here, problem solved. Here's some money for you too.

Jim:You're gonna take the challenge? Oh, that's beautiful. Come here, you little rascal.

Tony:I'll do it! I'll volunteer for the challenge!

Tony:Wait, does this mean I can get my whole family free cab rides for a year?

Tony:Because my mother needs to get to bingo every Thursday, my cousin Vinny's got court dates coming up, and don't even get me started on what my brother-in-law owes for rides...

Jim:Latka, I want you to have this thousand dollars.

Latka:Oh no, no, no, I couldn't possibly accept it.

Jim:Please, I insist.

Latka:No, no, it is forbidden. In my country, to accept money so quickly is an insult to the giver. I must refuse three times, and you must insist three times. It is our way.

Jim:All right. Please take it.

Latka:No! Absolutely not!

Jim:Latka, please.

Latka:I said no!

Jim:I'm begging you.

Latka:Well... okay.

Latka:I must protest this outrage! This is insulting to my people!

Latka:Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

Louie:You're right, I'd steal it.

Louie:Here, Jeff, take it.

Jeff:What? Why are you giving me money?

Louie:Because Iggy's watching.

Reverend Gorky:I can't accept this! How dare you! Do you think I'm some kind of... some kind of...

Latka:Please, Reverend, is not much, but is from heart.

Reverend Gorky:Well... how much is it?

Latka:Two hundred dollars.

Reverend Gorky:God bless you, my son!

Simka:Latka! What have you done? That was the money we saved for starting a family!

Latka:But Simka, the reverend needed it for the church.

Simka:The church?! We needed it for our children!

Simka:What is this? A gift from the reverend? Oh, this is wonderful! But wait... I must protest this generosity! It is too much! No, no, no, I cannot accept! This is madness! You are too kind, reverend, far too kind! But yes, okay, I will take it! No wait, I protest again! This is outrageous! Such extravagance! No, I must refuse! But actually, yes, I accept! No! Yes! No! YES!

Tony:Why didn't you call ahead?

Walt:I don't have a phone.

Tony:I meant call from outside.

Walt:So there's this episode of Gilligan's Island where the Professor creates a machine that accidentally turns Gilligan into a woman, right? And Mary Ann has to pretend to be a man so Mr. Howell doesn't find out there's another woman on the island competing for his attention. Meanwhile, Ginger's jealous because she thinks the new 'woman' is stealing her spotlight, so she dresses up as a native to sabotage the whole thing.

Tony:Walt, your TV is so old, it's in black and white. You're missing out on all the colors!

Tony:Hey, hey, don't cry on the set. You'll rust the connections.

Tony:Walt, I just want to say, after all these years, you've been like a brother to me.

Walt:That's very touching, Tony. You know, this reminds me—I'm gonna miss the opening of my show tonight.

Walt:Hey, Tony! Don't forget — next time you call in sick, make sure you sound like you've got a real illness. That coughing fit you did last week? That was an Oscar-worthy performance.

Elaine:Look, you can either stay with Danny and be miserable, or you can leave him and be happy. But if you leave him, you're a selfish bitch.

Jennifer:You know what? Instead of me buying something for Mom, why don't you buy something for her?

Brother:Me? Buy something for Mom?

Jennifer:Yeah, why not? You're her son too.

Brother:I don't know... what would I get her?

Jennifer:I don't know, something nice. Something she'd like.

Jennifer:I want to buy something special for my mother's birthday.

Jennifer:I'm thinking of getting her a fur coat.

Louie:A fur coat? That's nice.

Jennifer:Yeah, and it just happens to be in my size.

Jeff:No.

Louie:A million dollars? You turn down a million dollars? I'm gonna tie you to a chair, I'm gonna force your eyes open like in 'A Clockwork Orange,' and I'm gonna make you watch while I spend it!

Jeff:Maybe it's contaminated from germ warfare, and the Russians paid you to plant it on my body as an experiment to see if I sprout some kind of weird fungus.

Jeremy:I'm leaving New York. This city has nothing left to offer me. The noise, the crowds, the indifference—I'm done with it all.

Alex:Good riddance! And don't come back. You were the worst thing that ever happened to this place anyway.

Jeremy:'Nancy, we're late.' Because she's in there changing. Don't you get it? She's run out of closet space and he doesn't know where to put the missile.

Jeremy:It's not a cartoon, it's a satirical commentary on the political establishment!

Alex:Jeremy, it's just a drawing of a duck.

Jeremy:Exactly! You're so caught up in your bourgeois capitalist worldview that you can't even recognize subversive art when you see it!

Jeremy:Jeremy's cartoon explanation

Alex:Alex's sarcastic oversimplification of the obvious political point

Alex:I gave away the money.

Alex:Then I added my own money to make it $1100.

Unknown character:Louie's only generous with diseases.

Louie:Jeff, take the money. Just take it.

Jeff:Louie, I can't. You know I can't.

Louie:Why not? What's wrong with taking money from me? Everybody else does.

Jeff:That's exactly why, Louie. That's exactly why.

Louie:You really won't take it, will you? Not even from me.

Jeff:Louie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that.

Louie:Sorry? You think sorry fixes this?

Jeff:No, you're right. I was wrong.

Louie:Damn right you were wrong.

Jeff:I don't know what else to say.

Louie:That's the problem, Jeff. You never do.

Jeff:You know, Jim, you're right. Feeling good really does make all the difference.