A Grand Gesture

Anybody got any spare change? Anything left in your pockets you don't want? Old gum? Traveler's checks? Somebody want to give me their clothing?

You're not a scuzzo. You're an airhead. We allow airheads in here.

I'm afraid you're mistaking me for somebody else.

What if I gave you $1,000?

Define 'too soft a touch.'

I don't know who you are and I don't know why you did this, but it's nice to know there are people like you in the world. I mean that from one bum to another.

I do it out of selfishness. To experience the joy you get when you personally hand over money that's gonna make a person's life a little better.

Oh, no, not a lot. Like, today, I'm only gonna do it five more times.

What if you found out what it was like? What if I gave you $1,000?

Yes, you passionate son of a gun.

Can the one person I give this money to, can it be one of my kids?

The tradition of my country forces me to protest.

No, no, no! I won't take it! This is an insult! Thank you very much.

Would you do that? Of course.

You can see it right now.

Stinking lousy $1,000? How dare you! I spit on your money! Thank you very much.

I wanted that $1,000 so we could afford to have a baby.

You are giving me this $1,000?! No, no, no! I won't take it! Wow! Thank you! God bless you! Oh, our traditions are so beautiful!

You haven't got a phone! I meant from the sidewalk. I do have a window.

That classic one where Gilligan gets hypnotized and thinks he's Mary Ann.

You can't tell how blue the Ponderosa sky is or how green the trees are, or even what shade of brown Little Joe's horse is.

Don't start getting teary on me now. You know, the color's gonna look blurred.

Shut up, shut up, Tony. It's starting now.

And call next time!

or you can be mean and selfish and greedy and not share it with him.

Is it okay if I use my $500 to buy something for you?

ColecoVision and 11 cassettes.

The hell you are.

If I had a million dollars, I'd hire three big guys to stuff this lousy thousand down your throat.

Maybe it's contaminated from germ warfare, and the Russians paid you to plant it on my body as an experiment to see if I sprout some kind of weird fungus.

Good-bye, New York! You chewed me up and you spit me out! And we're well rid of you!

'Nancy, we're late.' Because she's in there changing. Don't you get it? She's run out of closet space and he doesn't know where to put the missile.

What are you, a Republican?

You mean you're saying we don't get along with the Russians? Well, there you go. Was that so hard?

Well, if you'd have seen the look on that lady's face when I handed her that 1,100 bucks. It would've knocked you out!

The only thing that guy ever enjoyed giving anyone was hepatitis.

I mean, you couldn't believe that I wanted to do something nice for you. You couldn't believe that I was capable of doing one decent thing. You could not believe that I thought of you as a friend.

I'm sorry. No, Louie, I-I mean it. Really. I'm sorry.

Feels good... doesn't it, boss?