Simkas Monthlies

Latka:I'm having a party at my apartment. You all should come!

Jim:Will there be any food there?

Latka:Oh yes, lots of exotic dishes from my country.

Jim:Well, I have to ask... will there be any monkey brains?

Latka:No, Jim, no monkey brains.

Jim:Because I'm allergic to monkey brains.

Jim:Do you have any food that hasn't been killed?

Latka:Sure, we have a nice salad.

Alex:I'll handle the party planning.

Tony:You're insulting me.

Alex:No, I'm not.

Tony:Yes, you are.

Alex:Latka, you can't just leave your cab unlocked with the keys in it. This is New York City.

Latka:But Alex, I thought America was the land of the free. Free to leave your doors open, free to trust your neighbors.

Alex:Yeah, well you're free to have your cab stolen too.

Latka:In my country, we lock nothing. We have nothing to steal.

Alex:Vile, horrid people.

Alex:Louie.

Jim:You know what this place needs? Some patriotic decorations for the Fourth of July.

Unknown:What kind of decorations?

Jim:Oh, I don't know. Red, white and blue bunting. Maybe some flags.

Unknown:That sounds nice.

Jim:Yeah, but nothing that would remind us of the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.

Unknown · Jim:Yes, you did. In fact, you told us you got arrested. Yup, for stealing decorations.

Jim:I went back specifically for a news anchor's tie.

Simka:You see this? This is America! Uncle Sam, he is like dynamite - you light the fuse of democracy, and BOOM! He explodes all over the world!

Latka:Hey everybody, let's go bobbing for apples!

Tony:Bobbing for apples? What are you, living in the 1950s?

Latka:In my country, we bob for apples all the time. Is very fun!

Louie:Yeah? Well in this country, we bob for apples in water, not in a bucket of fish heads.

Latka:Fish heads? No, no, those are apples from my country. Very crunchy!

Latka:Okay, everybody, we play new game. Is called 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey.' But first, we need to blindfold somebody. Who want to go first?

Louie:I'll do it.

Latka:Okay, Louie, you stand over there by Latka's gym bag. Don't breathe through your nose.

Jim:Well, I've got professional experience in disgusting activity.

Alex:Oh.

Latka:You understand now?

Alex:Yeah, I think so.

Jim:What's everyone talking about? What monthly thing?

Louis:Jim, it's a woman thing.

Jim:Oh. Well, that explains why I don't know about it.

Latka:My wife, she has a monthly problem.

Jim:Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. How long has she had this problem?

Latka:Every month. It comes around the same time.

Jim:Well, has she seen a doctor about it?

Latka:No, no. Is normal. All women, they have this.

Jim:They do? Well, what exactly is the problem?

Latka:The bills. The bills come in, and she cries.

Jim:Oh! The bills! I thought you meant... never mind.

Latka:In my country, we have a saying: 'When the red tide comes, even the bravest man runs to the hills.' But here? Here you just complain about it for a week.

Alex:Why don't we postpone this for a few days?

Latka:A few days? Alex, I haven't seen my wife in three years!

Elaine:Well... Well, my... crimpka poosh... lasts four days tops.

Latka:You say 'ignition.' Is not correct. In my country, we say 'igNItion.'

Elaine:Well, I want an igNItion!

Latka:But you don't even know what it is!

Elaine:I don't care. I want one!

Elaine:Latka, I have crimpka poosh, and I have been crimpka pooshing since I was 12.

Elaine:Oh, I thought you said... never mind. Yeah, I just love discussing menstruation. It's my favorite topic.

Latka:Crimpka poosh is not what you think. It is not like your... how you say... monthly thing.

Latka:Crimpka poosh is when a man, he changes his personality completely. He becomes different person.

Latka:Is very serious condition in my country.

Alex:I'm not a doctor, but I play one in my spare time. Now, what seems to be the problem?

Alex:I read in a medical journal that you should never eat anything that's bad for you.

Alex:But then I read on a cereal box that it's part of a complete breakfast.

Alex:Now I don't know which one to believe.

Jim:Premenstrual syndrome is a complex physiological condition involving hormonal fluctuations that affect neurotransmitter levels, particularly serotonin and dopamine, which can manifest in mood dysregulation, somatic symptoms, and—

Others:Jim! Jim, where are you going?

Louie:Oh, you're gonna help Simka? That's very noble of you, Alex. Very noble. You know what? I'm gonna sit here and cry. Because there's so much goodness in this world, and I'm not part of it.

Louie:You're gonna help everybody? You're gonna save the world? Listen to me, Alex - you help one person, you're a good Samaritan. You help two people, you're a bleeding heart. You help everybody? You're a sucker.

Louie:Listen, Alex, I need you to do me a favor. It's a small thing, really.

Alex:What kind of favor, Louie?

Louie:I need you to help me move some boxes from the garage. Just a couple hours of work.

Alex:I don't know, Louie. I'm pretty busy.

Louie:Come on, pal. You're the only one I can trust with this. What do you say?

Alex:Alright, fine. I'll help you.

Louie:EXCELLENT! ALEX RIEGER, YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO BECOME... SUPER HELPER! YOUR MISSION: TO MOVE BOXES WITH INCREDIBLE SPEED AND STRENGTH! THE FATE OF THE GARAGE DEPENDS ON YOU!

Louie:Who's gonna help Simka? Who's got the brains, the guts, the courage to help Simka?

Louie:Alex Reiger! That's who! Alex Reiger, the man with the plan!

Simka:I need the Ring Dings. Now. Where are the Ring Dings?

Simka:Not the Ho Hos, not the Twinkies. The Ring Dings! Only the Ring Dings will save me!

Simka:I cannot do this interview. I am not ready.

Simka:They will ask me questions and I will say something stupid.

Simka:I am sweating. Look at me — I am sweating like a pig!

Simka:My hair is falling out. I can feel it falling out right now.

Simka:I cannot even speak English properly. Listen to me — I sound like an idiot!

Simka:They will laugh at me. Everyone will laugh at me!

Simka:I'm falling apart! I'm losing my mind! I'm having a nervous breakdown!

Simka:I'm falling apart! I'm losing my mind! I'm having a nervous breakdown!

Simka:I'm falling apart! I'm losing my mind! I'm having a nervous breakdown!

Simka:Pre-menstrual? Pre-menstrual? This means before the menstrual, yes? So you are saying I am not menstrual yet? I am still pre-menstrual? I think maybe you are confused, Alex. I am very menstrual. Very, very menstrual.

Alex:menstrual

Simka:Minstrel? A minstrel came to your house? How many strings on this minstrel?

Simka:Sure, why not? Let's discuss it on the subway during rush hour!

Simka:Why not? I announce to America during Super Bowl halftime show. I come out, I say 'Hello America, I am pregnant!' They think is part of entertainment. Maybe they give me marching band, some dancers. Is perfect!

Simka:Oh, I'm just going up to the roof to sing a few bars of 'I Enjoy Being a Girl' and then I'm gonna jump.

Alex:There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a natural thing.

Simka:You know, in this country, when a thing is on television, it means it's acceptable.

Simka:So if they make a TV movie about PMS, then I know it's okay.

Alex:Well, I'm sure it will be. They'll probably call it 'The Love Bloat.'

Alex:That's a really great outfit, Simka. Very fashionable.

Simka:Thank you, Alex! I'm so glad you noticed. I spent all morning putting this together.

Latka:In my country, if you criticize the government, they make you stand in the town square while they throw jelly at you for three days. And if you criticize them twice, they make the fat people throw the jelly.

Immigration Officer:What is the capital of the United States?

Latka:Washington, D.C.! The most beautiful city in the world! I love America! The land of the free, the home of the brave! I would die for America! I would kill for America! I would maim for America!

Latka:In America, you are free to criticize the government. In my country, you criticize the government, they take you to the town square and they shoot you.

Latka:But here, you can say anything you want!

Latka:In my country, if you say bad things about the government, they shoot you in the town square in front of everybody. Here, nobody shoots you. This is the greatest country in the world!

Latka:You know, I find Simka's nervousness very attractive. It's the way she bites her nails, the way she fidgets... it drives me crazy.

Louie:Latka, that's not attraction. That's just watching someone have a breakdown.

Latka:No, no, no. In my country, nervous women are considered very sexy. The more neurotic, the more desirable.

Latka:An Officer and a Gentleman? I go to see two movies - one about officer, one about gentleman. I sit through whole thing waiting for gentleman to show up. Officer never even introduce him!

Latka:We went to see 'The Poseidon Adventure.' Simka, she say to me, 'Latka, why you crying?' I say, 'Because the boat, it turn upside down and everybody, they get all wet!'

Latka:You see, my Simka, she get very nervous in interviews. Very nervous.

Simka:I am not nervous! I am fine! Everything is fine!

Latka:This is what I love about her. When she get like this, all shaky and crazy, it make me crazy too.

Simka:You know what your problem is? You got no taste in movies. One movie is about nothing but explosions and car chases. The other one is boring, slow, depressing — nobody even talks!

Latka:Be calm, Simka. Be calm.

Simka:Calm? How can I be calm? You tell me to be calm, but nothing is calm! Everything is crazy! The world is crazy, the people are crazy, and if I am calm, then I am crazy too! So if I am calm, I am crazy, and if I am not calm, I am crazy. Either way, I am crazy! So what is the difference?

Immigration Officer:Now, Mr. Reeves, you've been in this country for two years. Don't you think it's time you learned to speak English?

Simka:Why? In two years, I go back to my country.

Immigration Officer:Your marriage appears to be genuine based on your demonstrated... compatibility issues.

Simka:What do you mean, compatibility issues? We're perfect!

Bosum:No, no, she's right. We fight all the time.

Immigration Officer:Exactly. No one could fake this level of dysfunction. Your marriage is approved.

Latka:You mean there is no parade? No marching band? No key to the city?

Immigration Officer:No. You fill out these forms, answer some questions, and if everything checks out, you're in.

Latka:Welcome, welcome to our garage. I am so happy you are here. In my country, we have saying: 'A man without a job is like a car without an engine.' So I say to you, congratulations on your engine!