Tonys Baby

Cab Driver:We did it! Eight miles!

Runner:You did it? You drove your cab alongside me the whole time!

Cab Driver:Well, my feet hurt too.

Cab Driver:You try sitting in a heated car for three miles. My legs were cramping, my back was killing me, and I couldn't even open the door without losing my place!

Reader:This boxer has a devastating left hand. Doctors say it's like periodontitis.

Tony:I'm telling you, I could make a name for myself boxing.

Louie:Yeah, and that name is gonna be 'Gums'.

Tony:Disfigured? Are you kidding? Did you see the spread they gave me in Ring Magazine? They called me 'The Reverend.' I'm gonna be famous!

Jim:Look at this wound. He's gonna need at least twenty stitches.

Someone:That's not a wound, Jim. That's his mouth.

Louie:Yeah, well Lupus hasn't showered in three weeks and he's not complaining.

Lupus:I'm not complaining because I'm not here.

Tony:She's got this special quality. She can fit into horrible places.

Louie De Palma:Here, Lupus, I got you something.

Lupus:An air freshener? For me?

Louie De Palma:Yeah, I thought your cab could use it.

Lupus:Oh, thanks, Louie! I really appreciate it!

Vicki:Tony, I'm late.

Tony:Late? You're not late. We didn't have an appointment.

Vicki:No, Tony. I'm late. My period is late.

Tony:Oh! Oh... OH!

Tony:You mean all this time you weren't using the bathroom for... contraception?

Vicki:No, Tony. I was just putting on perfume.

Tony:Wait, so the perfume... it doesn't prevent pregnancy?

Vicki:No, Tony, it's just perfume.

Tony:But I thought... I mean, you said you were taking precautions...

Vicki:I was! I was wearing perfume!

Tony:Yeah, but how does that work exactly? Do you spray it and the baby just... doesn't happen?

Tony:I'll go to the doctor with you.

Vicki:That's very sweet, but what exactly would be your contribution?

Tony:Okay, I'm ready! Give me a cab!

Louie:There are no cabs.

Jim:You know, it's funny. Some people eat like civilized human beings. And then there's Tony — he eats like Attila the Hun and all his relatives just showed up for a family reunion.

Jim:You eat like a Hun, Tony.

Tony:What's wrong with the way I eat?

Jim:What's wrong? You should eat like an animal.

Tony:I won! I won! I finally won!

Jim:Let's pretend that I'm not here.

Tony:That shouldn't be too hard. You're not all there anyway.

Elaine:Would you rather talk to Jim?

Tony:I'd rather talk to a box of crackers.

Someone:So who's going to pay for these drinks?

Jim:I'll get it.

Someone:Really? That's generous of you.

Jim:Yeah, well, I own three apartment buildings in Manhattan.

Vicki:I want a drink.

Tony:Your doctor drinks?

Tony:So Vito, you'll play the organ at my wedding?

Vito:Sure, Tony. I'll bring my monkey.

Tony:Your monkey?

Vito:Yeah, he comes with me when I play the organ.

Elaine:You can do it, Tony. I mean, if you really put your mind to it, you might actually succeed. It's possible. Stranger things have happened.

Tony:You know, that's the same thing Alex said to me before he tried to fly off the garage.

Jim:Elegant without being pretentious? Tony's apartment looks like a Puerto Rican bordello designed by a colorblind man.

Tony:Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

Alex:I'm getting you fired up for the fight!

Tony:Yeah, but watch the face, will ya? I got a date tonight!

Tony:Ow! My tooth!

Alex:I was just trying to motivate you.

Tony:Well, you motivated my dentist to buy a new boat.

Louie:Hey Tony, you look a little down. You feeling okay for the fight?

Tony:Yeah, yeah, I'm fine Louie.

Louie:You sure? Because if you're not feeling good, I want to increase my bet against you.

Leo:Well, it can't be hemorrhoids. Tony's been sitting down for three weeks and nothing's happened.

Leo:You know, trying to fix that transmission is like trying to teach a fish to climb a tree.

Leo:Okay, that was a lousy comparison.

Alex:Why would you even say that?

Leo:I get lost walking to the ring.

Leo:I have a strict policy: I never do fighter introductions. You know why? Because I'm lazy and I can't write.

Leo:I'm retiring after this fight.

Leo:Well, maybe not retiring. I'll do one more fight. Okay, two more fights. Alright, I'll fight until I drop.

Leo:Yeah, yeah, that's right. One... two... three... Hey Tony, you feeling better yet?

Tony:Get away from me!

Leo:Four... five... This is working, I can tell.

Tony:His final explosive declaration about Leo

Leo:You know, Tony, your anger is really helping me fight better. I'm more aggressive, faster...

Tony:Yeah? Well good!

Leo:In fact, I think I should make you even angrier. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Tony:Why you—!

Leo:And your taxi is the ugliest car on the road!

Tony:That's it!

Vicki:I didn't sit ringside because I didn't want to see Bobby get hurt. But then I realized I was being selfish—he wanted me there to support him. So I went to the fight, sat ringside, and watched this huge guy pummel Bobby for twelve rounds. Blood everywhere, his face swelling up, teeth flying. It was horrible. But you know what? Seeing him suffer like that for me... it was actually kind of romantic.

Vicki:He got hit in the nose so many times, his nose is all spread out across his face. So when someone says 'he's got a nose on him,' they mean he's been in a lot of fights.

Vicki:Tony, that was the worst proposal I've ever heard. You didn't even get down on one knee!

Tony:Hey, in Italy, we don't need to get down on one knee. That's an American thing.

Vicki:Well, we're in America, Tony.

Tony:So? I'm still Italian. I proposed to you the Italian way.

Announcer:In this corner, weighing 185 pounds, the heavyweight champion!

Tony:Vicki, we need to talk about us.

Vicki:What is there to talk about?

Announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a knockout!

Tony:I mean, this relationship... it's a real slugfest.

Vicki:Tell me something I don't know.

Announcer:And the winner of this evening's bout... is anybody's guess!

Louie:So who won the fight?

Bobby:Tony lost.

Louie:How's he taking it?

Bobby:He's handling it well. He's in the hospital, but he's in good spirits.

Lou:Tony is a good loser.

Tony:What do you mean I'm a good loser? I'm not a good loser, I'm a great loser! I'm the best loser in this city! Nobody loses like me! I lose with style, I lose with dignity, I lose with grace!

Tony:You know, Vicki, I've been thinking about us, about what we have. I mean, is this love? Because if it is, nobody ever explained it to me very well.

Alex:That's a question for a wiser man than me.

Tony:I'll ask Leo.