Arnie Meets The Kids

Latka:I got letter from my country! Very exciting news!

Tony:What is it? What does it say?

Latka:Zizmizzy flibbertig borfenstock, zimsomtible pliddlepoof, mibberdiggin floozenstein!

Tony:That's wonderful news!

Latka:I know! I'm so happy!

Tony:Of all things to commemorate on a stamp, goat cheese is wonderfully mundane

Simka:Ambassador to France sounds incredibly prestigious for a taxi dispatcher's wife

Simka:Ambassador to France sounds like a prestigious, high-paying position. The salary is barely above minimum wage.

Simka:The entire diplomatic corps of her country apparently doesn't speak French

Tony:Wait a minute... she's speaking French!

Arnie:I won't pester you with a lot of questions.

Arnie:So what's your name?

Arnie:I'd love to tell you all the juicy details, but decency prevents me from sharing them.

Arnie:So there was this woman, see, and she had this thing she liked to do...

Arnie:Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman?

Elaine:No, what?

Arnie:Well, he pulls into this little town and checks into a hotel. The bellhop says, 'Want me to send a girl up to your room?' The salesman says, 'Sure!' Two minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the ugliest woman he's ever seen. He says, 'Get outta here!' She says, 'Your loss, pal. I charge fifty bucks and I do things your wife won't do.' He says, 'Like what?' She says, 'I'll leave!'

Elaine:That's awful, Arnie.

Arnie:Awful? You actually believed there was a woman who wouldn't leave!

Arnie:I don't think of dating as a contest.

Arnie:But if it were, I'd be going for the gold.

Tony:I don't understand it. The guy's got nothing going for him. He's not good-looking, he's not smart, he's not even nice. So what is it? What could she possibly see in him?

Tony:You know what it is? It's gotta be the insecurity. That's all that's left. Insecurity must be attractive.

Louie:Hey beautiful, how about you and me go get a soda sometime?

Woman:A soda? Sure, that sounds nice.

Louie:Maybe dinner too?

Woman:Oh, okay...

Louie:And then we could go back to my place, get a little more comfortable...

Woman:Well, I don't know...

Louie:Come on, don't be shy. I'm thinking we really get to know each other, if you know what I mean. Real intimate. I'm talking about some serious—

Woman:Goodbye, Louie.

Alex:Louie, you're lucky she only slapped you. Last week a woman threw a drink in your face.

Louie:Yeah, well that was different.

Alex:The week before that, someone hit you with a purse.

Louie:So?

Alex:I'm just saying, you're getting off easy. You should be grateful.

Tony:They think he's Yoda.

Alex:You're right, that makes sense.

Alex:Of course, you're completely wrong about everything else.

Elaine:Louie, would you mind watching my daughter?

Louie:I'd be happy to.

Alex:Louie, that's very generous of you, but I have to warn you - Louie has this strange habit. He won't bathe until his favorite team wins.

Louie:That's right. And they haven't won in three years.

Louie:So I faked my own death.

Louie:She was grateful! She thanked me!

Louie De Palma:I'm great with kids.

Simka:Je vais continuer jusqu'à ce que quelqu'un m'arrête.

Alex:She said if you don't come home, she's going to poison you.

Latka:That's nice.

Simka:You see, Latka? I tell you my strategy. I use psychological warfare!

Simka:I make you think you win, but really, I win the whole time!

Latka:The job no longer exists anyway

Arnie:I work hard to get people to like me. I'm friendly, I'm helpful, I'm considerate. But you know what? Sometimes I think I could walk up to somebody and say, 'Hey, let me eat your—' and they'd still think I'm a nice guy.

Arnie:You know, I was never popular in school. I had no social skills, no athletic ability. But I did have two things going for me.

Arnie:I could burp the alphabet, and I could make my armpit make noise like a chicken.

Arnie:Be myself? Tony, you ever notice that all the successful children's entertainers are completely fake personas? Bozo, Bugs Bunny, Mr. Rogers—none of them are real people. They're all acts!

Louie:You two, get outta here! Go on, beat it!

Latka:But Louie, we just got here.

Louie:I don't care. Every time you two come around, it's like visiting day at Sing Sing. You depress me.

Simka:We depress you?

Louie:Yeah, you sit there, you don't say nothing, and when you leave, I feel like I gotta do another five to ten.

Louie:So what's the story with you and Arnie?

Elaine:What do you mean? There's no story.

Louie:Come on, I seen the way he looks at you.

Elaine:Louie, Arnie's just a friend.

Louie:Yeah, that's what they all say. You know what happened to the last guy you said that about?

Elaine:What?

Louie:Neither do I. He disappeared.

Louie:So there's this ghost, right? And he's been haunting this place for a hundred years, scaring everybody, making chains rattle, the whole nine yards.

Louie:But then one night, he sees this beautiful woman, and he realizes he's been alone all this time. So he materializes in front of her and says, 'Please... just give me a chance. I know I'm dead, but couldn't you just... couldn't you just go out with me?'

Louie:Sometimes I hate myself.

Louie:That's why I gotta torment others. It's compensation.

Elaine:Don't worry, Arnie's going to love you.

Kid:What if he doesn't?

Elaine:Then we'll just have to trade you in. You come with a warranty, don't you?

Kid:Trade in my sister? Where do I sign?

Elaine:Arnie is the most incredible man I've ever met. He's brilliant, he's sophisticated, he's charming, he's witty, he's athletic...

Arnie:I like ice cream.

Arnie:Hey kid, you want to go out sometime? Maybe catch a movie?

Kid:Sure, mister.

Arnie:Great! But here's the thing... I'm gonna need some space. You know, see other kids on the weekends.

Kid:What?

Arnie:Nothing personal, but I'm not ready for anything serious right now. We should probably keep this casual.

Arnie:What's your favorite animal, kid?

Kid:I don't know.

Arnie:Well, how about a hyena or a warthog?

Elaine:Do you want to take off your coat?

Arnie:No, I can't. I'm ready for combat at any moment. You never know when a kid might attack.

Arnie:I've got my coat on, my shoes laced tight, and I'm standing near the door. If a child makes one wrong move, I'm out of here.

Jennifer:My favorite animal is an octopus.

Arnie:An octopus? That's impossible to make with balloons!

Jennifer:Okay, fine. My favorite animal is a porcupine.

Elaine:Wine won't seem reckless.

Arnie:You're right. Let's get drunk.

Arnie:Hey kids, you want to go to the amusement park?

Kids:Yeah!

Arnie:Or we could go to the movies?

Kids:Okay...

Arnie:Or I could give you money and you can do whatever you want.

Kids:Money! Yeah!

Arnie:Well, you gotta give kids money. It teaches them the value of a dollar.

Arnie:So I say, 'You want five bucks? Go wash my car.' That's not child labor, that's education.

Mom:You have to return that money right now.

Kid:But Mom, I need it!

Mom:I don't care. Go return it.

Kid:You're the worst mother ever! You ruin everything! Why do you always embarrass me? Nobody else's mom is this mean!

Mom's Date:...

Mom:Honey, I can explain...

Arnie:Well, you certainly have a lovely voice!

Arnie:What? What did I do? Here, here's some money.

Elaine:Money? That's your solution to everything?

Arnie:Well, it works on my kids.

Arnie:I'm terrible with kids. I can't connect with them at all.

Arnie:You know what? Maybe I should just have my brain surgically removed and replaced with a basketball.

Arnie:Good night.

Arnie:Would you still like me if I didn't bring you presents?

Jason:No.

Arnie:You know, I appreciate their honesty. I really do. Even if it is crushing.

Child:We love you, Arnie!

Arnie:Well, I love you kids too.

Jennifer:You know, Arnie, you're like a 1980s child star.

Arnie:Really? Which one?

Jennifer:I don't know... one that didn't make it.

Arnie:What do you say I march in there and, uh, kick their butts all over the room?

Elaine:Wait a minute... I'm stuck with Arnie.

Elaine:You know what? I'm happy about it.

Elaine:I guess you're right. I'm stuck with you.