Louie And The Blind Girl

Reiger:What would make you happy, Louie? A puppy?

Louie:No.

Reiger:A kitten?

Louie:No.

Reiger:A baby?

Louie:Now you're talking!

Louie:I don't need my eyes to know who's in this room. I got amazing senses.

Banta:Oh yeah? Prove it.

Louie:I smell Italian food... You must be Tony.

Banta:Louie, that's just a stereotype.

Louie:No, no, it's a gift!

Louie:O, Unknown One! I must resort to my sense of touch!

Louie:Come closer, that I might feel the contours of your face and divine your identity!

Louie:Alright, let me identify her through touch. I'm very sensitive.

Nardo:Yeah, I can tell. You're sweating on her.

Elaine:Surprise, surprise.

Louie:Wait, wait. I gotta make sure you're not carryin' any concealed weapons.

Tony:Louie, that's my wallet.

Louie:I know, I know. Just bein' thorough. Wouldn't want any embarrassment here.

Iggy:I'll try the blindfold trick.

Louie:No.

Louie:I'm telling you, I can read this newspaper while blindfolded!

Tony:Louie, that's impossible. You can't read through the blindfold.

Louie:Watch me. It says here... 'Subway Fare Increase.' I'm reading it!

Alex:Louie, you're just guessing. That's been in the news all week.

Louie:No, no, I'm actually reading it. See? 'City Council Votes...' I got it all!

Elaine:Louie, let me ask you something. What color is the paper?

Louie:It's... white. Obviously.

Elaine:Louie, it's the New York Times. It's gray.

Louie:It's not a trick blindfold, it's not a newspaper. I got it from a magic shop.

Louie:Pride? What pride? I'm a dispatcher. I cheat on every test I take. It's not about being blind - it's about not wanting to look stupid.

Louie:I got her a diamond. A real diamond. Not one of those fake diamonds.

Louie:It's a genuine... carbon-based crystalline structure of compressed geological material.

Louie:Are you shocked at the idea of me settling down?

Reiger:Louie, I'm not shocked. I'm terrified. The thought of you reproducing is the most horrifying thing I can imagine. It's not just you suffering anymore—it's an innocent child.

Louie:Yeah, well, I'm gonna have lots of beautiful children. They're gonna have my good looks and my intelligence.

Louie:I'm gonna be a great father.

Judy:You're a great kisser.

Judy:You better leave before Louie gets here.

Louie:I'm already here.

Louie:This champagne is so expensive, when you pop the cork it makes a sound like a gun going off.

Louie:Watch this.

Louie:See? Told you.

Judy:Louie, I can see! The surgery worked! Oh, your face is so beautiful!

Louie:Yeah?

Judy:I'm going to have to go blind again.

Judy:You said you had a surprise for me.

Louie:I do, I do. But first, I want to say how much I admire your courage facing this surgery.

Judy:Thank you, Louie. That means a lot.

Louie:So I got you this. A new pen. It's got a light on it.

Jim:I'd be honored to perform the ceremony. I am a man of the cloth, after all.

Louie:A man of the cloth? You look more like a man of the polyester.

Jim:Yeah, I've seen baboon weddings. They're beautiful ceremonies.

Latka:Hey Louie, you chicken!

Louie:What'd you call me?

Simka:He means congratulations, you dummy!

Latka:You be very careful with this flower. It is very delicate, very fragile.

Louie:Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it.

Louie:It's just a flower.

Latka:No, no! You must treat it like it is made of glass!

Louie:Relax, I got it.

Louie:There. Nothing happened.

Latka:You crushed it.

Louie:I know.

Louie:Afraid? No, no. I'm worried she won't like my socks.

Reiger:Come on, Louie, you're not that bad looking.

Louie:Yeah? Name one thing.

Reiger:Well, you've got... you've got character in your face.

Louie:That's not a compliment, that's a diagnosis.

Reiger:No, no, I mean you've got a certain... puckish quality.

Louie:Puckish? What the hell is puckish?

Reiger:You know, like Puck. Mischievous. Impish.

Louie:I look like a fairy from Shakespeare?

Louie:Well? Do you think I'm cute?

Reiger:Louie, I think you're a very attractive man.

Louie:That's not what I asked you. I asked if you think I'm cute. And I want your honest opinion, not some diplomatic answer.

Reiger:Louie, I don't think you're cute.

Louie:Finally! An honest answer!

Reiger:Look, attraction is completely subjective. It's like dogs — some people are attracted to pit bulls, dangerous and unpredictable. Other people prefer golden retrievers, friendly and approachable.

Louie:What are you saying?

Reiger:I'm saying you're a pit bull, Louie.

Reiger:Some people like grotesque pets. I mean, look at tarantulas—people keep those.

Louie:Yeah?

Reiger:Yeah. And if someone married a guy with a tarantula, they'd marry you.

Louie:So this girl shows up on the blind date, and she's wearing a sweater with a big 'W' on it.

Louie:I say, 'You must be Wanda.' She says, 'No, I'm not Wanda.'

Louie:I said, 'Then why are you wearing a 'W'?' She says, 'This isn't a 'W'. This is a 'M' upside down.'

Louie:She's never seen my height.

Louie:Okay, I'm gonna go talk to Judy. I'm not gonna chicken out this time. I'm gonna walk right up to her and I'm gonna tell her exactly how I feel.

Louie:Wait, do I have anything in my teeth? Let me check my reflection in this window.

Louie:My hair looks okay, right? Maybe I should comb it again. And these wrinkles — are these new wrinkles?

Louie:I should go home and change my shirt. This one makes me look fat. And my shoes — are these shoes okay?

Louie:I gotta pluck this unibrow before Judy sees me. Women don't like unibrows.

Reiger:Louie, you've had that unibrow for twenty years. Judy's never complained.

Louie:Yeah, well maybe that's why she won't marry me!

Louie:Wait, wait, wait! Before you take those bandages off, doctor, I think we should discuss your fee. What's your fee structure? Hourly? Flat rate?

Doctor:Mr. De Palma, I've already discussed my fees with you.

Louie:Yeah, but did we discuss a payment plan? Because I'm thinking installments might be better for everyone involved here.

Judy:Louie, just let him take the bandages off.

Louie:Hold on, Judy! Doctor, before we proceed, I need to know - what's your malpractice insurance situation? Are you fully covered? Because if something goes wrong here...

Judy:You're beautiful.

Judy:My vision is blurry.

Judy:You look exactly as I pictured you.

Louie:Thanks.

Judy:I'm going to miss that unibrow hair you just plucked.

Louie:You want me to grow it back? I can do that! I'll have a unibrow like you wouldn't believe!

Louie:Yeah, well, I had to tell her I owned multiple suits. What was I gonna do, tell her the truth?

Louie:That I only got one suit and I been wearing it for three years?

Louie:And I gotta get rid of this fake engagement ring I bought her.