Alex Gets Burned By An Old Flame

Tony:Where's my championship belt?

Opponent:We lost it.

Tony:You lost it? Well then give me your pants belt.

Opponent:My pants belt?

Tony:That's right. I won fair and square. Hand it over.

Tony:Since he lost the belt, he demands the loser's actual pants belt.

Tony:Come on, Elaine. Arm wrestling. Just one match.

Elaine:No.

Tony:Why not? You scared?

Elaine:No.

Tony:Then what's the problem?

Elaine:No.

Tony:I'm gonna shorten this belt I won. The leftover material will become a steering wheel cover.

I didn't beat him. Implying the person is avoiding the match out of fear

Tony:Don't worry, I'll take care of her. I'll break both her legs, I'll black both her eyes...

Alex:Tony!

Tony:What? You said she was a woman!

Alex:You know, Elaine, there's nothing wrong with letting Tony win. It doesn't make you any less of a woman.

Elaine:Alex, I'm going to arm wrestle him, not marry him.

Elaine:All right! I'm the undisputed champ of the garage!

Alex:That wasn't funny.

Elaine:I know. I lost.

Louie:Life's unfair? Life's unfair?! I'll tell you what's unfair. Someone's here to see you.

Louie:Boy, you're really strong. You know, I've never seen anybody who could—

Louie:Wait a minute. A woman beat me at arm wrestling.

Louie De Palma:Help you? Lady, I would move mountains for you. I would swim across oceans. I would walk through fire barefoot. I would give you the shirt off my back, my last dollar, my very soul if you asked for it.

Woman:I'm looking for a cabbie.

Louie:You don't want a cabbie, lady. You want a dispatcher. I can get you anywhere you need to go faster than any driver in this city.

Woman:But I need someone to drive me.

Louie:Drive you? Lady, I don't drive. I orchestrate. Those cabbies out there? They're just the help. I'm the brains of this operation.

Diane:You're really the top dog around here?

Louie:Woof woof! Arooooo!

Diane:I need to get away from Louie. I can't take it anymore.

Alex:Say no more. I'm coming with you.

Diane:People find it hard to believe I lived on a commune.

Diane:But I did. We grew our own vegetables, made our own clothes, and lived completely off the grid.

Diane:You know, I came to New York to get away from small-minded people. I'm beginning to think I didn't go far enough.

Diane:Well, we did find something in the barn once.

Diane:But we buried it.

Jim:Hey everybody!

Diane:Jim! Where have you been?

Jim:I was at the... uh... the thing.

Diane:We've been waiting for you all afternoon.

Jim:Oh. Oh yeah. Right. Sorry about that.

Diane:Jim, are you okay?

Jim:Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Diane:You look like you're in another world.

Jim:Another world? No, I'm right here. I think.

Diane:You were supposed to meet me 13 years ago.

Jim:Well, I'm here now. What's the big deal?

Diane:You said I didn't fit in with your lifestyle!

Jim:No, I said you don't fit in the car. Look at you—you're a big girl!

Jim:Third in her class? That's lazy.

Diane:Jim, would you take me somewhere for a drink?

Jim:A bar.

Louie:Beauty and the Beast? More like the Beast and the Beast!

Alex:I'm not going crazy. It was just a chance encounter. I'm perfectly fine.

Alex:In fact, I've already chartered a plane to follow her to Miami.

Tony:What are you doing?

Elaine:I'm returning the championship belt.

Elaine:Tony, you can't keep losing like this. You need to focus.

Tony:Whoa, whoa, whoa! I haven't even played yet! You're already assuming I'm gonna lose? That's not fair. Besides, my shoulder's been killing me, and I didn't sleep well last night, and the lighting in here is all wrong for my game.

Tony:I'm gonna win this time. I'm ready. I've been training, I've been thinking about nothing but this rematch.

Tony:Wait, what day is it? It's not a full moon, is it? Because I don't fight good on a full moon.

Tony:And I haven't eaten. You can't fight on an empty stomach. I need something with protein.

Tony:Plus, my back's been killing me. Did I tell you about my back?

Tony:And the guy's probably been training twice as hard. He's probably got new moves. Who knows what he's capable of?

Tony:Forget it. I'll take the loss. Tell him I'll fight him next week.

Tony:Wait, wait, wait! My back is killing me. I can't do this.

Tony:Actually, you know what? I just remembered I have to pick up my mother. She's at the dentist.

Tony:And my car—my car might be booted. I really should check on that.

Tony:Forget it. I'm out. I'm leaving.

Louie:Alex, darling, how long has it been since Jim promised to call?

Louie:Days? Weeks? Will he ever return to your arms, or will this love affair fade into the misty fog of forgotten dreams?

Louie:Meanwhile, Alex waits by the phone, a prisoner of hope, a slave to passion!

Louie:But what's this? A knock at the door! Could it be... could it possibly be... Jim?

Louie:No, it's just the mailman. Back to the waiting...

Louie:You know what your problem is, Alex? You're like a fungal infection.

Alex:What?

Louie:Yeah, you keep coming back, but nobody wants you around.

Jim:You need to ground yourself. Here, touch this metal cab.

Jim:It's easy to remember. I use a word association system. My phone number is 555-7249, so I think of the word 'SLRIG'.

Other Character:SLRIG? That doesn't mean anything.

Jim:Exactly! It's so weird and meaningless, I could never forget it.

Alex:An intimate, romantic dinner for three

Louie:Chez Ptomaine

Waiter:The noise complaints aren't from the game itself. They're from Jim's enthusiastic exclamations while playing.

Waiter:His neighbors have complained about hearing 'Yes! Oh come on!' and 'That's impossible!' at three in the morning.

Jim:I don't have a volume control! I can't just turn myself down!

Diane:Wait, you're not dangerous at all?

Client:No, I'm just a flasher.

Diane:A flasher? Then why did you threaten to get me?

Client:I meant I'd show up at your apartment and expose myself on your fire escape.

Diane:Well, you have to be careful in this city. I always carry a whistle, I take a self-defense class, and I never go out after dark.

Alex:When Diane gets back, I got a story that'll knock your socks off.

Diane:I'm going out.

Alex:Oh. Well, I'll tell it anyway. So there was this guy...

Alex:I'd really like an evening with just the two of us.

Jim:Oh, no problem. I'll send Diane away.

Jim:Are you kidding? You look terrible! If you walked into that restaurant looking like that, they'd think you had the plague.

Alex:Really?

Jim:Yeah, they'd take one look at you and say, 'Get that guy away from the soup!'

Jim:I've got all the medical equipment at home for emergencies.

Louie:What kind of medical equipment?

Jim:A bottle of aspirin and a phone number for a guy who knows a guy.

Alex:Jim was so convincing, he made 'The Exorcist' look like a documentary.

Alex:Jim's not playing with a full deck.

Waiter:Can I get you anything else?

Alex:Yeah, poison. No, make it a double.

Jim:You know, Alex, you're always throwing these insults around. Well, how do you like it when I use your own metaphors against you?

Jim:You said I was a broken record. Well, you're a scratched CD that keeps skipping the same nonsense over and over.

Alex:Jim, that doesn't even make sense.

Jim:Exactly my point.

Alex:Jim, it's two in the morning. I love you like a brother. A brother I haven't seen in five years and am trying to avoid.

Alex:You're a flake, Jim. Give me some examples.

Jim:A flake? Me? I'm not a flake. I'm spontaneous. There's a difference.

Jim:Last week I told Elaine I'd pick her up at 8 o'clock. I showed up at 3 in the morning with a tambourine.

Jim:That's not flaky, that's... jazz.

Jim:And remember when I said I'd help you move? I did show up. I just brought my scuba gear and spent four hours in your bathtub looking for 'treasure.'

Jim:That's not being unreliable, Alex. That's having an imagination.

Jim:I was just leaving something on the stove.

Alex:What were you cooking?

Jim:Furniture.

Jim:Well, he was tired.

Alex:Remember when you hung on the wall in that radiation suit?

Jim:Oh yeah! I was crazy!

Jim:Those were the days.

Alex:You know, Jim once told me something I'll never forget. He said, 'I wouldn't want to be somebody else because then I'd have to give up being me.'

Jim:Besides, I'd have to return all my stuff.

Jim:She remembers everything I say. She quotes me back to myself.

Jim:That can only mean one thing... she's in love with me.

Jim:You know what? You've been writing down all my crazy stuff, but you also... you care about me.

Alex:Well, of course I care about you, Jim. That doesn't mean you're not completely insane.

Jim:I know. That's what makes it so beautiful.

Jim:I was in the storage closet.

Jim:I got locked in there about three hours ago.