Bobby Wheeler

I'm up for the part of the horse. Yeah? Which end?

Yeah, it's Bobby Wheeler from New York City calling. No, it's not personal. I'm an actor, too.

Just tell him that a guy... no... that an actor... named Bobby Wheeler

No, uh... they went another way.

Nah, it's cool, you know? No, really... it's cool. It's cool.

He can wear it when he's fighting and when he's convalescing.

Yeah, it's the same with sex. You get better? They do.

I like the theater better. They just say 'five minutes.'

I like the theater better. They just say 'five minutes.'

Still nothing. You know, an actor doesn't like to hear that but Angela... nobody called me... She gives me other people's messages.

Sometimes she gives me Gene Shalit's messages. Yeah. Gene and me we use the same service, you know. A lot of stars call him. You know who called him yesterday? Who? Erma Bombeck.

She might turn out to be a dog.

Sure, I would. If I was real drunk or something.

How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?

Anything for Shalit?

Smooth, Alex.

Am I what you pictured, Bobby? Yeah, more or less. More.

Maybe Alex will give you her number. You could call her up for tomorrow night. Oh, no. Thank you very much.

Hey, Alex, did you score?

Do you mind the dog being in the cab, do you? / No. He doesn't mind me being in it, does he?

You can probably guess why I call him Hamlet. / Grew up in a small town? / No. Because he's a Great Dane.

"O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!"

That's okay. If he thinks of something to say later on he can call me.

Don't hit the dog in my cab.

Let me go, Tony. I got to hit something. / Hey, what are you crazy? / I can see you're upset, but, uh, don't hit that. You could really hurt yourself.

Hit me. Here, in the stomach. Go ahead. / I can't do that. / Come on, don't worry about it. I'm hard as a rock. I do 200 sit-ups a day.

Oh, Tony! I'm sorry. Are you okay? / I'm fine. I'm fine. / Hey, listen, if it makes you feel any better, I feel great.

Is it all right if John uses the toilet? / Just lay off, Louie, okay?

Where did you come from, Bobby? / The Bronx.

I didn't get the part, Hamlet.

You, uh, think I got a shot? / Yeah, you got a shot!

Did you get the commercial? / Just wait a minute. / Are you going to tell us or not? / Well, wait till everybody's inside. / Did you get it? / I didn't get it! / What? / So what are we celebrating, then?

You got your first acting job? / Not yet! / Yay! Yay! Yay! / What?

No, no, no, no. / Latka, if you don't mind, I'll make the toast.

Well, that's simple logic. You see, when you're good at something you end up doing it. Now, I'm not going to end up acting unless I get a phone call before midnight. So... I'm gonna get a call before midnight.

it feels like, uh... like my father just died again.

You still say I'm not such a good actor?

Now, baby, ring. Come on, ring. Blap. Blap.

Maybe your watch is off. / No. / It has to be by my watch.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero. Zero.

Aw, what the hell. I'll give myself another three years.

Hey, Bobby, she thinks she had a bad fare. What happened? I had the QANTAS koala bear get carsick in my cab. And you don't want to know what a koala bear does when he gets carsick.

John, George Bernard Shaw said that. He did? Your father was George Bernard Shaw?

You know, I can't believe you just said that, Louie. It's true. Yeah, I know, but, like, incredible.

Sometimes, when you're yelling at me, I can't concentrate on what you're saying 'cause what I'm concentrating on are your character traits... You know, the way your eyes pop out, and the way that vein stands out in your neck, and the spit that gets in the corner of your mouth.

The line to kiss the bride could take a while. / I hear they asked the vice squad to give the bride away.

How much do they need? / $2,500. / I don't think we know them.

Well, look at it this way... You're not a virgin anymore.

Bobby about Dominique: 'You know, she turned down Warren Beatty. Imagine that. Me and Warren being turned down by the same girl.'

Phone conversation confusion about how many people are rooting for Tony, escalating from 'three of us' to 'five of us'

Visual gag: The fish floating on their backs, clearly dead

Bobby's explanation for the fish deaths: 'Well, I guess it was just their time, huh?' and 'Maybe it was one of those murder-suicide things.'

Bobby arriving with replacement fish: 'I had to go to four stores before I could find two that matched exactly.'

Bobby's confession: 'Tony, I forgot to feed them yesterday and when I came home they were...'

Bobby's attempt at comfort: 'I think they went in their sleep.'

Bobby's plea: 'if you want to slug me... just not in the face. I got an audition.'

Bobby correcting fish names: 'George and Wanda!' 'Wanda! The least you could do is get their names straight! Wanda!'

The reconciliation moment: 'Wendy, Wanda.' 'Oh... I love you guys.'

Bobby's promise: 'From now on, when I say something I'm going to do it, and that's that!' followed immediately by abandoning his friends

Bobby's decision to abandon Dominique for the guys, despite his earlier resolution about not letting people down

Tony's presentation speech: 'Hey, can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen? I have a presentation to make. For my best friend, Tony.'

And, you know, about what I was saying before... Don't forget it.

I got $50 that says he can't make it through one day... Wait a minute, Bob, are you really serious? I mean, you're gonna make a bet about a man keeping his faithful oath with his God? I'll give you two to one. You're on.

Louie, I had an accident.

See, it was my fault. I... I ran a stop sign... I forgot to turn on my headlights.

Hey, I'm in your district. I voted for you. / Oh, yeah? Why? / The other guy was up for murder.

I play this guy named Skip... We had this argument four years ago and I left town mad, only then I got amnesia and wandered around in a fog somewhere the whole time

Hello.

How come they only let you say one word? / It makes it more dramatic that way.

It makes it more dramatic that way. This way everybody will tune back on Monday to see what happens.

"Ooh, ooh, why, you look just like the poor slob who walked out of here a few weeks ago swearing he was never going to come back."

If she'd just stop wearing those black dresses all the time... shed a few pounds... get rid of the wart and the mustache.

What makes you think it was a Jew? / Oh, uh, just a hunch.

What's the matter with you? / I'm having a heart attack. / Well, have it somewheres else. I could've tripped and broke my neck.

See? I convinced him. / Yeah. Play some rummy?

You could make cheese. / Why would I want to do that? / Somebody has to.

So, uh, how'd that heart job go this morning, Doc?

Oh, yeah, but that's one in a million. Big deal. One time, you know?

You know, if he really applies himself and concentrates, one day he could be as big as Brando, Pacino... me, you know.

Bob, maybe there's a part in this movie for you. / Gee, why didn't I think of that? (mutters)

We look like a bunch of groupies. Don't hang around the door. / Well, what do you want us to do, Bobby? / I don't know. Do what you normally do. Act natural, act... Play cards or something.

Hi. Can you get me a part in the picture?

Sure, I'll take your date out. What's she look like?

Aah, Alex, I don't know anything about taking care of kids.

Bobby's awkward conversation opener: 'So you're a kid, huh?'

The extended awkward exchange where everyone looks around avoiding suggesting Louie babysit

Bobby's explanation about waiting to have kids: 'we decided to wait until we find out how... I mean, how to raise them'

I was in 804 the night I got held up. That was lucky? I lived.

Oh, uh... sorry. I forgot to lock that door. You're going to have to sit in the back. Or the front. Whichever.

I just want your fare money, son. No games. Uh, I can't. See, it's locked in a strongbox, and we don't have the keys.

My gun's bigger. You should drop yours.

See, man, you don't understand. I do this for a living. You don't understand. You're not getting a dime from this cab.

Now I really believe that we could... We can break through the racial barriers and come to a genuine understanding here, man. You're not getting the money. You pasty-faced, vanilla, lily-white towhead.

You got a ticket.

While we were sitting here we fogged up the windows so much a cop came by, gave us a ticket and didn't even spot us. Now, that's funny.

Uh-uh. Why not? Mine wasn't loaded. Well, m-mine isn't either.

Hey, not so fast. You owe me 38 bucks. For what? The meter was running.

You make it 48. I forgot about the ticket.

Hey, now I don't have enough for cab fare home. What's your address? 447 West 23rd street. You take me there? No, I just want to tell the cops where you live.

"Heroic Cabby Cracks Down On Crime." Third page, 14 paragraphs, small photo. I'd almost forgotten about it.

You didn't save anybody's life. Sure, I did. You did not. It was no big thing.

That's all there was to it? Yeah. He has the nerve to compare that story with mine. At least I didn't take an hour to tell it.

You take $600 from a child? You call that a great story? He was a monster. And I don't care if it was an old lady's life savings. 600 bucks is a great story.

A bunch of adults fighting over a candy bar / Hold that thought, Bobby, she's brought malted balls

I thought that the only thing that could have made it better was you in it / Oh, you noticed that, too, huh?

Three. Okay. I lied, I had eight. I lied, that's hot chocolate.

You sure you're not just being humble? (Alex's sarcastic response to Bobby's claim he got the job for being good-looking)

I play the only guy at a party without a tan

Is this good luck charm in your country? / No. / Then, uh, why are you giving it to me? / I don't want it.

I guess I'm gonna have to tell everybody that my father's side of the family comes from Florida

What the hell are you laughing at? / Oh, he's laughing at my face. Pretty funny, huh? / I haven't even gotten to your face yet.

I'm not an actor anymore... Since I decided it was stupid

And it doesn't have to be anything nice. Just whatever you got lying around. / Oh, gee, I wanted to give you a nice one.

Bobby, I appreciate your help, but could you give me a little more? / Actors.

I am... s-s-slain.

That light is you, Lou. You're my inspiration... maybe one day I might be able to come back here in this garage and stuff every laugh you've ever had at my expense right down your throat.

Thank you, Louie. / You're welcome.

Yeah, but from third?

You only got two pitches, Tony... Balls and home runs.

Do you know that you're acting like a child? / Oh, yeah, and tell him I want to be treated like a child.

Hey, Tony, I'm an actor. I'm trained to observe people closely.

What color is Tony's shirt? / I don't know. / Alex's shirt? / I don't know. / The buttons on her coat? / Brown with tan marbling and rose-colored thread.

How many women have you dated this year? / Who counts? / You. Fifteen.

When? / Soon as I can get to a telephone.

How come you can't pass up one woman for a friend? / Hormones, I guess.

You know, Elaine's right... Make it two out of three.

There aren't that many women that like either one of us, let alone both of us.

Okay, let's agree that we both go out with her, and whoever hits it off best with her gets to keep her.

I'm thinking of a number... Five. / I wanted five. / Tough luck. / Why don't you draw straws to see who gets five?

Tony, give it to me, and don't make me do something I'm going to regret... Like hitting myself and getting killed.

I just remembered, she's not home.

O-O-Okay, okay, listen, uh... I'll hit myself.

Oh, well, that's easy to remember; it's the same name. / It's the same girl.

Oh, what beautiful eyes she has... / Yeah, we had that talk.

She calls me her, uh... Sorry, Bobby... Her tough teddy bear. / Her, uh, smart teddy bear.

Gee, thanks, Janet, but you shouldn't have done this. / Why not? I wanted to. / I'm a middleweight. / And it's my watch.

Yeah, take a minute, mull it over. / Yeah. Come on, now, take your time. / Go over to another table and work on it for a while. / You know, make it look tough, anyway.

Yeah, take a minute, mull it over. / Yeah. Come on, now, take your time. / I mean, 'cause we're in no hurry. / Yeah, yeah. Go over to another table and work on it for a while. / You know, make it look tough, anyway.

How am I doing? / Will you shut up!

Our friendship could end forever right here. / Eh, maybe you got a point, Bobby. / So let me understand this: Now, neither one of you wants to see me anymore?

Get that finger out of my face. No. That's my hand! My hand!

Eight fares in one cab.

Bobby suggests the Neil Armstrong might be a phony, and Tony responds 'if he was a phony, where did he get a piece of the moon?'

Bobby's over-the-top self-introduction: 'A gentleman who needs no introduction... an artist in a world of philistines... our last hope for the life of the theater... a man who bestrides this world like a colossus... ladies and gentlemen, the legend we call Robert Wheeler.'

Tony and Bobby both want to bring dates and flip a coin, with Tony calling heads and Bobby saying 'I win. I get the game room.'

Bobby trying to have Louie turned away: 'I don't recall a De Palma. Send him packing.'

You don't see me crying, do you? What do you see me doing, huh? Driving a cab!

That was from Anthony and Cleopatra. / Oh. Well, thank them both for me.

Elaine, there must be 20 coats of paint here. It's been a rough year.

Let's see, the blue one is Tom, and under Tom was Roger, and under Roger was Eric, and under Eric was... I forget. Looks like a dull gray. My ex-husband.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, you know, this is silly, trying to do this and drink beer at the same time. You're right.

Would you please send me a photograph, a lock of your hair, one of your shirts, a pair of your shoes and a pillow you've slept on?

I can't believe that someone would have the nerve to ask for this stuff. I mean, the postage to send it would cost you... It came to $4.98.

Jim wants to bet on a man getting a vodka gimlet from a coffee machine

Guy orders vodka gimlet but it comes out as coffee, Jim still treats it as a thrill

Hey, Jim, I didn't mean to take your last dollar. - Then give it back. - Okay. - Thanks. - You're welcome.

I, uh... like your place, uh, Jim. - It's... it's you, Jim.

Jim uses his table as a nutcracker

Bobby asks 'Which one?' when told not to wake up the guest in the guest room

Okay, okay, do you think we should get out of NATO?

Bobby excitedly shows his play review to the gang

Bobby finds the one positive mention of his performance in an otherwise scathing review

The only thing that's bothering me is I always thought this critic was a jerk. I guess I was wrong.

Bobby's second bad review revelation

Bobby reveals he cruises the theater district hoping to meet someone like Nora, then says 'Not only did I meet someone like you, I met you. Now you can't get any more like you than you, can you?'

I scored a point, huh? / Yeah, a partial point. / You have a nice smile. / Oh, yeah? You can tell from back there, huh? / Yeah, I'm looking at your eight-by-ten glossy taped to the seat here.

I'd do something about the mustache and the missing teeth. / Oh, someone must have drawn on the thing again. It's signed, 'As always, Louie.'

That's not pitching. / That's lying.

I hate to be a name-dropper, but once I almost picked up Mike Nichols. / So did I.

I like your laugh. / Oh, yeah? / And that's my weakest feature.

It's an experimental play about 12 people stuck in a stalled elevator. It raises an age-old question: which is the greater agony... To be stuck in an elevator or to be watching a show about being stuck in an elevator?

Alex called and said 'I'm never, ever, ever, never, never coming back.' / You sure he didn't say 'I'm never, ever, ever, never coming back, ha-ha?' You know how Alex likes to kid.

Which foot was yours? / The one on the far left. / I should have known... The one that was overacting.

Well, I'm going to have to think about it.

Then we went to her apartment, we talked some business and then we went to bed.

I threw up. During the scene on the stage.

Well, actually, I did throw up in character. I mean, it's not like I didn't use it. And there's nothing in the script that says old Brick can't throw up.

Or bismal?

Oh, no, you don't. Because if I said come back, you'd come back in a second. / Try me. / Come back. / Okay.

But at least I have one thing left: I have my shoes. / Oh, no, you don't. Because if I said, 'Give me your shoes and I'll let you come back,' you'd give me your shoes. / Give me your shoes and I'll let you come back. / Please?

If you don't give me my shoes back I'm going to bust your lamp.

My shoes are not for sale.

Yeah, sounds like you got the best of both worlds.

don't deny us a Duffin.

All those in favor of keeping Louie out of this deal signify so by spitting on his shoes.

I've heard that there's a thrill associated with coming in contact with great art, but I never realized how true it was until this very moment.

Bobby, these are just prints. They're copies of original paintings. They're almost worthless. Oh.

Yike! Whew! How did that get in here? Yuck! Ugh!

Bobby Wheeler's fantasy as a famous singer performing 'City Boy'

In Bobby's fantasy, famous Bobby Wheeler returns to the garage but charges Louie a buck to acknowledge knowing him

Louie gives his last buck and Bobby still denies knowing him: 'I never saw the man before in my life.'

What's her name? What time do you want me there? 8:00.

You said 8:00, right?

You want me to fan you? I don't think so, Louie. You see, I left my palm leaf back at the hut this morning.

Bobby, I'd rather you wouldn't. Why not? Well, I mean, if you had a sister you wouldn't want a guy like you to meet her, would ya?

Oh, yeah, I'll hang around the back till she leaves.

Well, do you know that you and I are forbidden to love? It's a shame, it's a big shame. Because we would have made beautiful babies together.

Tony describes his mundane daily routine, then says he was 'thinking I had it made' when Bobby calls it depressing

This calls for a celebration. Next round of drinks is on me. No, no, no. I got the part, I insist, I want to pay for my own drink. Not a chance.

What do you call one of them questions that didn't happen but you ask it like it really did? Hypothetical?

Well, she's pulled that little trick once too often. I'm going to tell her we're through. Thanks a lot, Tony. I owe you one.

Who am I calling? / You mean, you weren't going to use the phone? / No, I was going to the bathroom.

It's a handicap to be classically handsome. Don't I know it?

I don't think I want your agent. And why not? I mean, he hasn't exactly made you a star, you know.

A girl I once dated said I was an Italian Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, I think the world is waiting for one of those.

I see that we're presently negotiating for a part in the new Jane Fonda film, which could tie him up during that period.

I can always work out something with Jane.

After the reading that he just gave you still want him. / Well, it's a small part.

Just 'cause I got canned. / Wow.

You were great. You were brilliant. It was a very good performance. Thanks, Louie. I'm not talking about you, ham hock. I'm talking about this little show your friends are putting on.

What would the two of you do up in the mountains for a whole week? Mountain stuff.

I want primitive. I don't want any electricity, telephones... No conveniences. I've got just the place. Where? My apartment.

I yearn for the wide-open spaces. Try looking between your ears.

You don't understand it because you're a woman, Elaine. I have no idea why I don't understand it.

Would you look at us... Looking for a refrigerator. There's no electricity here.

Without a refrigerator all the food's gonna go bad. With no food and no way out of here, we'll be dead by Wednesday. Mountain man! Mountain man! It's too late. He left. We're going to die.

Isn't this a great feeling? You mean waking up in the mountains? No, getting off the damn floor.

Something ate all our food! We're going to die.

What did the pioneers do in a situation like this? They built cities and moved into them.

What does 'forage' mean?

What did you catch? See for yourself. That the bait you used? Bait? That's my catch.

We're going to die. Isn't anybody going to contradict me?

Now they can take our bodies down the mountain in a toboggan.

It's a turkey. Ernie? Ernie's a turkey? Well, doesn't he look like an Ernie?

The reason I was late is because I was dancing around my apartment with joy. / Oh, yeah? Hey, what happened? / My beloved grandmother died.

That's good news? / No, that's terrible news. Bobby, what kind of a person are you?

What? What? / Cookies.

Well? What do you say? / Well, they're, uh, not bad.

Did you swallow yet? / Did you swallow? Mine seems to be getting larger. I feel like I'm going to be chewing for the rest of my life.

maybe tomorrow we could have another bite.

Tastes vary. / Tastes very what?

Hey, Bob! / What are you doing? / Huh? / What are you doing? / Afternoon Of The Faun.

One of those things to keep you from sticking to your seat.

if they can just invent something to keep me from sticking to my shorts.

you know, like death.

Only the playwright and anyone trapped in the theater.

That explains his buenos dias yesterday.

Just the one with reality.

By the way, do you spell your name with one 'O' or two? One. I'll get it right next time, Booby.

I thought that was Desire Under The Yum Yum Tree. / That's another good one, Ton.

Rub Louie's nose in it.

I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill him!

Don't seem like you been gone a month. / I've been gone a week. / That feels right.

You smell something funny? / No. / Neither do I.

Quit the tour, huh? / Yeah, I quit. / Got fired. / We're talking semantics here.

I lasted a day in Florida... I spent three days on the bus ride back.

You try anything on her, and I'll kill you. / This is Elaine we're talking about, remember? / Elaine, you try anything on him, and I'll kill you.

You think she might come on to me?

You know, Elaine, you might want to put a robe or two over your negligee.

Hello, Alex, it's Bobby. She's all over me. / Who were you calling this late? / Dad. Good old Dad. / I thought your father passed away. / Well, maybe that will make up for the times I didn't call when he was alive?

'The road to naughty-naughty'? / Come on, Elaine. I'm trying to be delicate about this thing. / You want me to come right out and say it? / O-Okay. I'll come right out and say it... You and I were that far away from doing foo-foo.

I mean, I lost a boyfriend. / I lost my job in Florida. / I lost the feeling in eight of my toes.

Louie's still coming on to the new cab driver, huh? Yeah. I don't know how any woman can resist him, you know?

Score. Score.

Really? Did they get you on drugs? No. I was already on drugs.

Yeah, I'll say. I never seen a judge try to hit anybody with his gavel before.

[Awkward silence and topic change after Jim's bizarre story]

A 30-millimeter cannon fired at the stage during production could not hit anything worth saving.

it should henceforth be a felony to yell 'Patty Ganzel' in a crowded theater.

Purple. Not as close.

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent. My agent's calling me?! Okay, okay, Louie, you stay right there.

Now I'm a hero and great-looking.

Oh, God. Bing.

Hey, Bob, that was... A disaster. No, Bobby. The play stinks. I stink.

I don't know why everybody say it is too long and boring. You know, I enjoyed it and to me, I think it was just right. Well, there's a second act coming up, Latka. Not for me, there isn't.

Yeah, I guess it feels that way, huh? No, Darwin is 40 years older in Act Two.

Uh, Jim, why don't you just keep it?

That's a nice outfit. Thanks a lot, but you got to understand, this is not what I do for a living. You just do it for fun?

I've come all the way from the enchanted lettuce patch just to spend Easter with you.

And now, kids, in keeping with the Easter season the Easter bunny has a special surprise for you. He's going to perform a scene from the Broadway play Whose Life Is It Anyway?

Now, you have to pretend that the Easter bunny's paralyzed from the neck down.

She was so impressed by my performance that she offered me a part. Really? Yeah. What part? The clown at her daughter's birthday party.

Can't she tell you're alive by the way you move around and talk and stuff?

Boy, what a nice person.

Hey, Jim, how you doing? Uh, I-I'll get back to you on that, Bobby.

Yeah, well, so far, the only sexy blonde in here is me.

Maybe this guy can see into the future. He definitely can't see anything in the present.

How is your career coming along? Well fine, as a matter of fact... Sorry to hear that, Bobby.

If they think they can do it better than me, then why aren't they up here doing it themselves?

I don't deserve to be in the theater.

Alex, I stink.

Bobby's assessment of California: 'Take away the beaches, the climate, the women, the glamour... still beats this'

The celebration escalation from cab driver party to TV star party

The earmuffs revelation after Bobby guesses correctly

They said I wasn't sexy enough. What? I don't understand. They gotta be crazy. I mean, I ooze sex. I mean, look at my teeth and my hair, my height. I'm a sexy guy.

The waitress calling Bobby 'a sex god, señor'

Bobby's plan: 'I'm going to wander the streets aimlessly and ride the subways and babble to myself'

An old woman clubbing pigeons. No, no, not down there, up there. Oh, the sunrise.

Or the one after that.

Bobby's callback: 'Or the one after that' when talking about making it