Substitute Father

Tony tells story about foreign passenger asking if $100 is enough for a $17 fare, then reveals he gave $83 change instead of keeping the obvious tip

Louie's physical reaction to Tony's story - nearly fainting at the missed opportunity

You don't have to thank me... It'd be fun.

Sure, I'll take your date out. What's she look like?

John wanting to be asked to help even though he can't, just for the feeling of being included

Aah, Alex, I don't know anything about taking care of kids.

Bobby's awkward conversation opener: 'So you're a kid, huh?'

Tony suggests Alex 'do what you do when you were a kid' and Alex responds 'You want me to punch him?'

Louie's phone conversation: 'And how fat are you?' to a customer complaint

Tony's comment about Jason beating his brains out after two boxing lessons, followed by 'What took him so long?' from someone

Louie finishing phone call: 'especially you blimpos' while trying to sound professional

Louie's self-congratulatory speech about handling 'delicate situations with tact' after insulting a customer

Louie's bonding moment with Jason: 'I don't dislike you as much as I do most kids'

Louie's parenting advice to Jason about smoking, drinking, and foul language: 'Yeah, it's really tough without a father to teach you'

John's movie review: 'I sat through it three times. It was that good, huh? Nah, I just couldn't remember where I came in.'

John offering to spoil the movie ending: 'Or was that the middle?'

The extended awkward exchange where everyone looks around avoiding suggesting Louie babysit

Alex finally suggesting Louie followed by 'Nah, I don't want Jason to catch his cold'

Louie smoking his mother's leftover cigar: 'Ma couldn't finish it, so...'

Louie's mother spilling beer on her dress and being too self-conscious to come inside

Car horn honking followed by Louie yelling 'Keep your pants on, crazy lady!' to his mother

Uh, that's my daughter. Hmm... Well, she's a loser.

Louie trying to bet on the spelling bee: '20 bucks says my kid beats your kid' to the other parent

Parent's response 'I do not bet on my child' and Louie's comeback 'That's 'cause you know she's a loser'

Tony's boxing commentary: 'The first round is always the toughest. You ought to know, Banta. It's the only one you ever fight in.'

You ought to know, Banta. It's the only one you ever fight in.

Guys cheering 'Jason! Jason! Jason!' and explaining 'We're his father' when asked to quiet down

Lucky guess.

Louie admitting 'I know... I hate her' when told to give Christa credit

Louie complaining 'Why does she get all the easy ones?' about a very difficult word

Fix! Fix!

Tony's consolation: 'Coming in second ain't the worst thing in the world. Right. Tony does it all the time.'

Louie's response to Jason's mature self-blame: 'If I had to choose between your winning or losing and saying what you just said... I'd still take winning, but this was close.'

If I had to choose between your winning or losing and saying what you just said... I'd still take winning, but this was close.

Louie sharing his 12-year-old Scotch and someone saying 'Whenever Louie shares anything, it's an occasion'

Bobby's explanation about waiting to have kids: 'we decided to wait until we find out how... I mean, how to raise them'

Louie's lament about finding a woman: 'First you got to find a woman... You got to fall in love... get married... talk to her. Hmm. It ain't worth it.'

Alex's long speech about parenting worries ending with 'All in all... it's not a bad deal'

The entire 'Sonny Boy' duet between Louie and his mother with call-and-response commentary