Substitute Father

Tony:So this guy, he's a cabbie, right? And he picks up this foreign passenger, doesn't speak English so good. The guy gets out, hands him a hundred dollar bill for a twelve dollar fare.

Tony:The cabbie, he's looking at this money, he can't believe his luck. His heart's pounding. He's thinking about all the things he could do with this windfall.

Tony:But then he thinks about it. He thinks about his mother, God rest her soul, what she taught him about honesty. So he calls the guy back and he gives him the correct change.

Louie:You gave him back the money?! Are you out of your mind?!

Alex:Don't worry, I've done this a thousand times.

Alex:Kids are easy. You just feed them, make sure they don't fall down the stairs, and keep them entertained.

Alex:What could possibly go wrong?

Alex:Bobby, could you help me out? I need a babysitter for tonight.

Bobby:Sure, I'll help you out. I'll steal your date.

Alex:What? No, I need someone to watch my kid!

Bobby:Oh. Well, I'm better at the stealing thing anyway.

John:You know what? I'm not even going to be here that day. But I'm really glad you asked.

Bobby:I'd be happy to help with the kids.

Bobby:Although, I should mention - I've never actually changed a diaper, I'm not sure how to make a bottle, and last time I babysat, the kid asked me what clouds were made of and I told him cotton candy.

Bobby:So... maybe don't leave me alone with them.

Bobby:So... you're a person.

Bobby:And I'm a person.

Bobby:We're both... in this room.

Tony:You gotta relate to the kid, you know? Tell him about your childhood.

Alex:My childhood? My father used to beat me with a leather strap.

Tony:See? That's relating!

Louie:What's your complaint? You say one of my drivers was rude to you?

Louie:Well let me tell you something, pal. You're lucky he didn't throw you out of the cab. And another thing - you probably deserved it anyway.

Louie:Now get outta here before I have YOU arrested for wasting my time with your whining!

Tony:You're really improving, Jason. Your footwork is getting better every day.

Jason:Thanks, Tony. I've been working hard.

Tony:Keep it up. Pretty soon you'll be able to beat my brains out.

Jason:At the rate I'm going, that shouldn't take long.

Louie:Thank you for calling the Sunshine Taxi Company. We appreciate your business and we're committed to providing you with the finest service in the city.

Louie:Your satisfaction is our number one priority, and we stand behind every cab, every driver, and every ride we provide.

Louie:So tell me, how can we help you today, you moron?

Louie:I handle things with tact and delicacy.

Louie:Jason, you know what? You're not as stupid as you look.

Jason:Uh... thanks, Louie?

Louie:And that's saying something, because you look pretty stupid.

Louie:So Jason, you picked up any vices yet? Smoking, drinking, gambling?

Jason:No, Mr. De Palma.

Louie:What kind of father are you?

John:That movie was incredible! I've seen it three times!

John:I couldn't figure out what was happening, so I kept going back to understand it.

John:I'll tell you how the movie ends.

John:I'm still confused about the plot.

Alex:We need someone to babysit Jason tonight.

Bobby:I can't, I have plans.

Tony:Yeah, I'm working late.

John:Sorry, I can't do it either.

Alex:Well, what about Louie? He's always here.

Bobby:Louie? Nah, that won't work.

Tony:Forget it.

John:Absolutely not.

Louie:Hey! I'm standing right here!

Alex:What about Louie? He's perfect for the job.

Louie:Yeah, why not me?

Alex:Because your personality is contagious, Louie. We can't risk it spreading to the rest of the staff.

Alex:Louie, where did you get that cigar?

Louie:My mother gave it to me.

Alex:Your mother smokes cigars?

Louie:Yeah, she had it first. I'm just finishing it for her.

Louie:My mother won't come inside. She's embarrassed about spilled beer.

Louie:I said, 'Ma, what's the big deal?' She said, 'Louie, I've never spilled beer in my life.'

Louie's Mother:Honk honk!

Louie:Oh, shut up, Ma!

Father:That's my daughter competing.

Louie:She's got a face like a mud fence.

Louie:Alright, alright, listen up! We got a real donnybrook here today, folks. The kid from PS 47 versus the kid from PS 89. I'm giving three-to-one odds on the red-headed kid. Who wants some action?

Parent:Excuse me? This is a spelling bee!

Louie:Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. So what's your point? You wanna bet or not? Come on, don't be shy. Twenty bucks says the girl spells 'chrysanthemum' wrong.

Parent:We're leaving!

Louie:Your loss, pal! Anybody else? I'll take any bets! Any bets at all!

Parent:No, I can't gamble. I have too much self-respect.

Louie:Self-respect? That's nothing. You should see the lack of respect I have for your kid.

Tony:In the first round, you gotta establish yourself, show 'em what you got.

Unknown:Tony, you never last past the first round.

Tony:Yeah, well, I establish myself real good.

Tony:First round is always the toughest.

Louie:Yeah, for you it is. You always lose in the first round.

Louie:Hey, what's all that noise out there?

Alex:It's a spelling bee at the community center. They're going crazy out there.

Louie:Well, tell 'em to keep it down! We got customers tryin' to conduct business here!

Bobby:Louie, we gotta do somethin' about that noise.

Louie:Alright, alright. We're all fathers here, ain't we?

Tony:What's that got to do with it?

Louie:We're all fathers! That makes us responsible! So we all gotta go over there together and tell 'em to shut up!

Louie:That's it? You spell one word and you think you're smart?

Christa:It's 'onomatopoeia,' Louie. I got it right.

Louie:Lucky guess. I'm not giving you credit for that.

Louie:So the kid's good, huh? Well, I don't care. I hate him anyway. There's no reason for it, I just do.

Louie:Easy? That's an easy word!

Louie:Rigged! The whole thing was rigged! My boy Jason knows how to spell. He's a spelling machine!

Louie:They had it in for him from the start. Probably because he's got better hair than the other kids.

Tony:You know, Jason, losing isn't the end of the world. I've lost plenty of times.

Tony:You just gotta keep your head up and move forward.

Unknown:Tony, you've been driving a cab for fifteen years.

Unknown:That's not moving forward — that's parallel parking.

Louie:I'd rather win, but I'll take the character growth.

Louie:You know, Clavin, that's what I call real character. Taking responsibility for your losses. That's what separates the men from the boys.

Louie:But between you and me, I'd rather win.

Louie:Here, try some of this scotch. It's expensive.

Unknown:Louie, are you feeling okay? You never share anything.

Louie:What can I say? I'm in a good mood.

Bobby:I'm not ready to have children yet. I don't know how.

Bobby:I mean, I know how to make them. I just don't know how to raise them.

Louie De Palma:You gotta have a job, you gotta have a apartment, you gotta have a car...

Louie De Palma:And most importantly, you gotta talk to her.

Louie De Palma:That's where I always mess up.

Alex:You give up your youth, your freedom, your sleep, your money, your career, your privacy, your sanity, your identity... and that's just the first week. You worry constantly—about their health, their safety, their education, their future. You sacrifice everything you've built. You're exhausted all the time. You miss your old life. You wonder if you're doing it right. You feel guilty about everything. And then they look at you and call you 'Mom' or 'Dad,' and you realize you'd do it all again without hesitation.

Alex:You know, it's really not a bad deal.

Louie's Mother:You know, Louie, I've always wanted to sing with you.

Louie:Yeah, Ma, that's beautiful.

Louie's Mother:Let's sing together, something heartfelt.

Louie:Sure, Ma. But just so you know, I'm gonna be thinking about my dispatcher commission the whole time.