Hollywood Calling

John:You know, I've been away for a week. I bet you guys really missed me.

Louie:Missed you? I didn't even know you were gone.

John:I've got my finals coming up.

Unknown driver:Finals? What are you talking about?

John:My exams. You know, school finals.

Unknown driver:School? Wait, is this a taxi or a classroom? Did I pick up the wrong passenger?

Bobby:You could do Brando, Pacino, De Niro, Hoffman, Newman, Redford, me...

Bobby:Yeah, well, I've only been thinking about it every waking moment of my life.

John:You know, Alex, I appreciate your concern about my finals, but I've got to be honest with you. I don't really care how I do.

Alex:What do you mean you don't care? Your future depends on this!

John:See, that's the thing. I don't care about my future either.

Bobby:Yeah, I know a lot of people in the business. Very casual thing. I see 'em all the time.

Bobby:Just last week I ran into... well, I didn't actually run into them, but I was in the same building once.

Bobby:No big deal. Hollywood types, they're just regular people. Except richer. And more talented. And everyone knows who they are.

Bobby:But other than that, totally normal.

Roger:This garage has such atmosphere. It's got character, you know? The smell of oil, the sound of the engines...

Louie:Yeah, the atmosphere is terrible. We need better ventilation.

Roger:Louie, why don't you introduce me to some of these people? Help me establish some rapport.

Louie:Sure, pal. Hey everybody, this is Roger. He's a big shot. Watch out for him — he'll screw you every chance he gets. He's a liar, a cheat, and he smells like old cheese.

Louie:Listen up, you miserable chumps. You're the scum of the Earth, the dregs of society. You couldn't drive a nail straight if your life depended on it. Now get out there and make me some money, or I'll break every bone in your body.

Louie:You think that helped? I can't tell anymore.

Roger:So you drive a cab in New York. What's it really like?

Cab Driver:Well, it's not like the movies.

Roger:What do you mean?

Cab Driver:In the movies, when a car goes over a cliff, it explodes. How do they do that?

Bobby:So you're Michael Patrese? The Michael Patrese? I gotta ask... you got any parts in your movies for a guy like me?

Roger:It's a beautiful script. Really beautiful. The kind of script that could change cinema.

Roger:Of course, it's also completely unreadable and makes no sense whatsoever.

Roger:Wait, wait, wait. That's it. That's the guy. That's my protagonist right there.

Alex:What?

Roger:You. The way you just walked away. The anger, the defiance, the complete unwillingness to cooperate. That's a real human being right there.

Roger:Those stories you tell about your passengers are amazing, Tony. They're so vivid, so real.

Tony:Yeah, well... thanks.

Roger:I mean, do you really encounter characters like that every single day?

Tony:Well, not every day. Some nights I just make 'em up.

Roger:You know, Elaine, you look just like Audrey Hepburn.

Elaine:Really? That's so sweet!

Roger:Yeah, if Audrey Hepburn had let herself go.

Tony:You know, I usually only get ringside seats by being knocked out of the ring myself.

John:You won't believe what happened to me today! I picked up this passenger, and I thought I was taking them to Fifth and Main, right? So I'm driving, I'm thinking this is going to be incredible...

John:Turns out I went to Fifth and Maple instead.

John:One block over.

John:And then he wrote 'their' instead of 'there' and I just... I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, it was so funny.

Roger:Yes, well, that's quite amusing.

John:Would you like to hear another one of my stories?

Roger:Well, let me think about that. I'll take your story, I'll go home, I'll read it over a couple of times, I'll talk it over with my wife, we'll discuss the literary merits and shortcomings, we'll put it in a manila envelope, we'll put the manila envelope in a safe deposit box, we'll put the safe deposit box in a bank vault, we'll seal the vault, we'll brick up the entrance, and then we'll blow up the building.

Reporter:Do dispatchers ever take bribes?

Louie:That'll be fifty bucks.

Unknown driver:This food is terrible. Mario's restaurant is a dump.

Unknown driver 2:Are you kidding? Mario's makes the best food in the city!

Unknown driver:How can you defend that slop? Nobody who actually eats there agrees with you.

Unknown driver 2:Well, I think it's fantastic.

Unknown driver:Oh yeah? What makes you such an expert?

Cook:I'm Mario's cook.

Roger:I don't take no for an answer.

Roger:I take 'maybe,' I take 'ask me later,' I take 'I'll think about it'...

Louie:Where's Ben Goretski? I need to talk to the shop steward.

Driver:Ben Goretski? He's been dead for two years.

Louie:Dead? Well, when he comes in, tell him I'm looking for him.

Lou:Alright, we need to elect a new shop steward. Our current one just passed away.

Tony:Wait, wait. Why don't we just keep him in the job?

Bobby:Yeah, he was doing a great job anyway.

Louie:All in favor of keeping the dead guy as shop steward?

All drivers:Aye!

Louie:Congratulations to his ghost.

Tony:We left early.

Unknown driver:Early? The fight hadn't even started yet!

Tony:I know.

Alex:These are real stories from my life as a taxi driver.

Roger:That's just television.

Louie:I get nothing from this Hollywood thing. Nothing! While you guys are schmoozing with producers and agents, I'm stuck here running the garage.

Louie:But you know what? I've been selling all that catered food from the studio to Sal's Restaurant down the street. I made two grand!

Roger:I have an announcement to make.

Louie:Before you say anything, I didn't steal the silverware!

Louie:You're trying to bribe me?

Roger:Well... yes.

Louie:Fifteen thousand? That's all? I was expecting at least twenty-five thousand!

Louie:Well... I suppose I could go as low as fifteen. But only because I like you.

Louie:I was only going to ask for twenty-five bucks.

Unknown driver:Twenty-five dollars?

Louie:Yeah, I was just gonna shake him down for cab fare and a decent tip.

Tony:When we get back to New York, I'm gonna see a lot more of Lea.

Lea:What?

Tony:Well, she's moving into my neighborhood.

Richard:Yeah, I heard about him. He went from running a major studio to flipping burgers at a fast food joint.

Character:That's not so bad. At least he's still in the entertainment business.

Richard:Entertainment business? He's at McDonald's!

Character:Exactly. Have you seen their commercials lately?

Roger:Alex, Alex, listen to me. You gotta make it more dramatic. Tell them the guy had a gun. Tell them he had two guns. Tell them he had a gun and a knife and he was riding a rabid dog!

Louie:You can't cancel this project! My mother's been telling everyone in Queens that I'm moving there. If you cancel it, I gotta go back and tell her I'm not moving. Do you know what that's gonna do to her?

Louie:Listen to me, you Studio executive. You're gonna make this picture, capisce? Because if you don't, I'm gonna go to the mattresses on you. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse - and that offer is, you're gonna regret the day you ever crossed Louie De Palma.

Studio Executive:Is that a threat?

Louie:That ain't no threat, that's a fact of life, pal.

Louie:You're gonna make me an offer I can't refuse, or I'm gonna break your legs!

Louie:I'm gonna put a horse's head in your bed, and if that don't work, I'm gonna slash your tires!

Louie:I'm gonna leave you sleeping with the fishes, and then I'm gonna report you to the Better Business Bureau!

Louie:You hear me? I'm gonna kill ya! I'm gonna—

Louie:Hey! HEY! He hung up on me! He hung up on me! Can you believe that? I threaten the guy's life and he hangs up on me!

Louie De Palma:You know, I've been thinking about what happened to me, and I realize now that a man's pride and dignity are the most important things he has. When you lose those, you've lost everything that makes you human. So I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move forward with my head held high, because that's what a real man does.