John Burns

The liar's punishment is not that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else. John, George Bernard Shaw said that. He did? Your father was George Bernard Shaw?

You don't have to ask, do you? No, I guess not. The blonde. No. The one with the white blouse? No. Oh, the other one. See? You picked her out.

Say hello. No, I couldn't say that.

You're absolutely right, Alex. Let's forget it. I can't forget it.

Sure. What?!

Oh, sure, but not right away. I mean marriage is important. It can't just be jumped into. Oh, I agree; yes. So, we'll get married in an hour. Oh, perfect.

Or have you really had a lousy life? Oh, no. No, I've had a great life. And this is your best time? Yeah. Wow! Me, too.

How do you stand on bowling? Feet together, knees slightly bent. I use a four... She bowls. She bowls!

So what do you want to do first, get married, or go bowling? Bowling first. That way, if the marriage doesn't work, it won't screw up my game.

Why not? 'Cause I could pulverize you. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Remember that girl I met in the bar? Yeah? I married her. You what? Oh, my...! What?!

There we were, bowling and joking about whoever lost paid for the marriage license. The next thing I knew, we were eloping to Maryland in her best friend's Volvo.

Then we had dinner at this really neat Maryland McDonalds. The food's the same but it's served by people from Maryland.

Then we checked into this really nice six-dollar motel...

Hey, John, I hate to be indelicate, but, uh... did you? Oh, no, no. We were too excited for that.

She said, 'I will if he will.'

I said no! But somehow it came out yes!

All the way back, we only said three words. She said, 'Need gas?' I said, 'Yes.'

There she sits, the woman Maryland considers my wife.

Mrs. Me.

You get married, you have kids, you grow old, and then you die. Somehow, to me, if you didn't get married, you wouldn't die.

You know, I got a 'Dear John' once. Oh, that isn't what this is. 'Dear John...'

Look at him. Hi. Okay.

Could you tell her that I'm here and maybe I love her?

No. Oh, that's terrific. No! Wait a minute! No what? No, I won't get annulled.

I'd like your permission to marry my wife.

Hey, man, you got rid of her. That's great. No, we're staying married. Congratulations, she's a wonderful girl.

You gave me a dollar ten. Oh, I'm sorry. Too late.

But it's not absolutely necessary.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. / Echhh!

Gee, I can hardly wait for my first sunburn.

What's wrong? / I think I stole his line. / I'm sorry, Latka.

Oh, uh, does anyone know a really long toast? / Vootka! / That's it, huh?

Could you please pass the salt? / I'm sorry. I swear it will never happen again. Never.

Melmac. You see that? Ever since I married you, I'm too poor to even get mad good.

Well, I've been driving 16 hours straight, I've got impossible problems, and my marriage is over. / Well, in that case, you don't look so bad.

Sounds like a nice, quiet evening. / Straight to sleep. Do you hear what I'm saying, Alex?

Just say the words. Be nice. / Just one thing. How do I get her to say it?

It's stuck.

Alex, there's no need for you to go to the bathroom. I know how I feel. / Yes, there is. I know how I feel.

So that's what that silly smile is on your face every night. That's peace of mind. / You bet. / I sure would miss that smile.

Here goes. [coin flip moment]

Oh, John, it's okay. I'll just be a nurse a little later, that's all. / You don't understand. I lied. It was tails.

They're going to reenact the accident. It's company policy... it's fun.

Maybe you better tell them to start without me.

Customer... she's the mother lode.

The apple machine philosophy

So then how do we get new apples, John? / We can't.

You didn't even notice I wasn't here? / I don't even notice you now.

What finals? / Do I have the right garage?

How come you're more interested in my life than I am?

It turns out instead of taking him to 54th Street, I'd taken him to 53rd Street. When we found out, you know, we were both so amused, we just sat there and laughed.

John wanting to be asked to help even though he can't, just for the feeling of being included

John's movie review: 'I sat through it three times. It was that good, huh? Nah, I just couldn't remember where I came in.'

John offering to spoil the movie ending: 'Or was that the middle?'

The extended awkward exchange where everyone looks around avoiding suggesting Louie babysit

What do you need it for? To protect me from muggers. Oh...

John enters completely destroyed with no dialogue - visual gag of his devastated state

He sure is gorgeous. / Thank you. Thank you.

It's no good. He's always home, always getting underfoot, always in the way when you're cleaning house. / I have a housekeeper, and I spend most of my day during the week sailing. / Do you have a sister?