Mama Gravas

Latka:You like my shirt? Here, take it!

Latka:You like my pants? Here, take them too!

Latka:In my country, when someone says they like something, you give it to them. It's polite!

Latka:When does my mother's plane land? It lands when it comes down.

Latka:My mother, she comes to visit me here in The Big Banana.

Unknown:It's the Big Apple, not the Big Banana.

Latka:Oh! So that's why they call it the Big Apple. I thought maybe they call it the Big Banana on Tuesdays.

Latka:You promised me the day off.

Louie:Yeah, so?

Latka:You're nasty, Louie. You broke your promise to me.

Louie:Nasty? I'm generous! I promised you something, and I broke it. Now you got a broken promise instead of a whole one. Which is worth more?

Louie:I'm not cruel! I discipline people because it's good for them, it builds character!

Louie:Sure, I enjoy it, but that's not why I do it. I do it because... because they deserve it!

Louie De Palma:I enjoy being cruel to people.

Alex Reiger:Yeah, we know.

Latka:Alex, you help me, yes? My mother, she is very sick. The doctors, they say maybe two, three weeks.

Alex:Latka, I'm sorry to hear that, but I really can't—

Latka:Is okay, is okay. You don't help. When my mother dies, you think of me, yes?

Latka:Tony! Tony, please! You help me, yes? You help Latka?

Tony:What's wrong, Latka?

Latka:I am begging you, Tony! Please!

Alex:Tony, would you help me with something?

Tony:Alex, I'm flattered, but I'm not really looking for a relationship right now.

Mrs. Gravas:Well, I'd like to see the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, Times Square...

Mrs. Gravas:And I hear the muggings in Central Park are very popular this time of year.

Mrs. Gravas:I want to see the urban problems as tourist attractions.

Alex:Well, that's a very reasonable request. We can arrange that for you.

Mrs. Gravas:Yankee Dog Stadium

Alex:Your English is wonderful, Mrs. Gravas.

Mrs. Gravas:Thank you. Your English is wonderful too.

Alex:Well, I'm a native speaker.

Mrs. Gravas:I know. That's what makes it so impressive.

Mrs. Gravas:Thank you.

Alex:You're welcome.

Mrs. Gravas:No, thank you.

Alex:You're welcome.

Mrs. Gravas:No, I'm thanking you.

Alex:And I'm saying you're welcome!

Mrs. Gravas:For what?

Alex:I don't know anymore!

Alex:Can I get you a drink?

Mrs. Gravas:No, no, I don't drink. My husband, he drink all the time. One day he come home, he fall down the stairs. I say, 'Harold, why you fall down the stairs?' He say, 'I didn't fall down the stairs, I was pushed.'

Mrs. Gravas:Thank you, dear. I owe it all to my husband. He married me when I was just twelve years old.

Alex:I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

Mrs. Gravas:You're welcome.

Alex:My husband died a hero, fighting against oppression and tyranny.

Mrs. Gravas:Actually, he was the oppressor. Someone shot him.

Mrs. Gravas:In my country, Alexander mean... one who makes nik-nik during harvest.

Alex:Well, I guess that's better than what my name means in English.

Mrs. Gravas:Your name fits you.

Alex:How's that?

Mrs. Gravas:Alex. It means sexually active.

Alex:Well, it's the wrong season for that.

Mrs. Gravas:I saw the Rockets at Radio City last night.

Latka:The Rockets? Mrs. Gravas, you mean the Rockettes.

Mrs. Gravas:That's what I said, the Rockets.

Latka:No, the Rock-ETTES. They're dancers.

Mrs. Gravas:Well, of course they're dancers. What did you think I meant?

Latka:Nothing! Nothing at all.

Alex:What about your mother? Wouldn't she like to go to the show?

Latka:My mother? No, no, no. My mother doesn't have a girlfriend.

Alex:You know, I've heard a lot of languages in this cab, but I have no idea what that was.

John:Well, think about it. The machine can only dispense apples that are already in the machine, right? And those apples had to come from somewhere. They came from the supplier. And the supplier gets them from the distributor. And the distributor gets them from the grower. By the time they reach you, they've been sitting in trucks, in warehouses, on shelves... So technically, every apple is old. There are no new apples. The apple is picked, and from that moment on, it's aging. So you can never get a new apple from a machine because the only apples available are the ones that already exist, and anything that already exists is, by definition, not new.

John:There is no solution.

Alex:Well, it wasn't a date. We just... went out to dinner. And then we went to a movie. And then we took a walk in the park. But it wasn't a date.

Tony:My mother, she's a good-looking woman. But if she wants to look even better, she's gonna have to do a few things. She's gonna have to get rid of that mustache. She's gonna have to lose about ninety pounds. She's gonna have to get her teeth fixed. She's gonna have to do something about that glass eye. And she's gonna have to stop wearing a bra as a hat.

Bobby:My mother is so beautiful. She's got this incredible face, perfect skin, amazing hair. But then you look at her neck and it's all wrinkled. And her hands? Forget about it—they look like two old baseball gloves. Her legs are all varicose veins. And don't even get me started on her feet.

Alex:Well, hypothetically speaking, if a man were to encounter a woman in an elevator...

Elaine:Alex, what are you talking about?

Alex:Just listen. He'd notice she had auburn hair, very soft auburn hair...

Elaine:Where is this going?

Alex:And she smelled like lilacs. And when the elevator stopped between floors, hypothetically, she might have...

Elaine:Alex!

Alex:And then hypothetically, there was this dress, and it was on the floor of the elevator, and hypothetically my shirt was also on the floor...

Elaine:Forced? What do you mean forced?

Elaine:He had his hand on the back of my neck, his knee was between my legs, and he was making these grunting sounds like a water buffalo.

Elaine:You slept with Latka's mother?

Alex:It just happened.

Elaine:Alex, that's his mother!

Elaine:Did you think I flew in just to sleep with you?

Alex:No, no, of course not. I mean, yes... I mean, for a second there I thought you did, but obviously you didn't.

Elaine:How old is Latka's mother?

Alex:Five foot two.

Alex:I was alone with her, and I just... I became an animal.

Alex:I mean, I was great! I was really great!

Alex:Latka, I need to explain something to you.

Latka:Yes, Alex?

Alex:We're not actually related. I was just trying to help you out.

Latka:Oh! So we are family now, yes? Daddy!

Alex:I'm in terrible trouble.

Elaine:Well, it's not so bad.

Latka:Papa, can you help me with this?

Alex:Latka, not in front of everyone.

Latka:But Papa, you always help me.

Latka:I have beautiful wife, two wonderful children, nice house in country. Every evening we sit together, very happy family. Children do homework, wife she knit the sweater, I read newspaper. Is perfect life.

Latka:But you know what would make even more perfect? Puppy. Can we get puppy, Mama?

Latka:Can we get a puppy? Can we? Can we? Please?

Latka:In my country, when a man and woman marry, there are expectations.

Alex:What kind of expectations?

Latka:The man, he must provide. He must be strong. And there must be... nik-nik.

Bobby:Nik-nik?

Latka:Yes, nik-nik. Many times. Or the marriage, it is no good.

Latka:We must marry! It is a matter of honor!

Mrs. Gravas:Bah! Honor? Pffft! Boonta la vista, you meshuga!

Latka:You marry me now or I tell everyone you are a shnorglwax!

Simka:Latka, what is a shnorglwax?

Latka:I don't know, but it sound very bad in my country!

Louie:Alex, let me give you some advice about mothers. I know about mothers. I got a mother. And let me tell you something — watch out for her.

Louie:Listen kid, take some advice from an old man. Stay away from your mother.

Alex:But Louie, she's my mother.

Louie:Exactly. That's what I'm talking about.

Latka:Not discrete? You mean like outside? In the open air?

Alex:What are you drinking, Latka?

Latka:Oh, is my own recipe. I call it 'Latka's Special.' Very smooth, very delicious.

Alex:What's in it?

Latka:Well, is mostly industrial solvent, but I add little bit of fruit juice so is not so obvious.

Alex:You wouldn't seduce my mother.

Latka:No, no, I wouldn't. She's too old.

Alex:We'll never watch football together.

Alex:Not even if it's the Super Bowl, and your team is winning, and there's free beer, and Cheryl Tiegs answers the door in a negligee.

Latka:You globnik.

Alex:What does that mean?

Latka:You pretend it never happened.

Latka:So we agree to globnik?

Alex:Yes, we globnik.

Latka:What did we globnik?

Latka:Okay, okay, we got... the... uh... the flibberjabit of spades, the croont-croont of hearts, and the magnificent sploofenplatt of diamonds!

Latka:Royal pipik!

Tony:Latka, that's a royal flush, not a royal pipik.

Latka:In my country, we call it royal pipik. It means the same thing.

Bobby:What's a pipik?

Latka:Pipik is belly button. Royal pipik is... how you say... royal belly button.