Alex Tastes Death And Finds A Nice Restaurant

Louie:What do you mean I don't care? Of course I care. I care very much.

Louie:I got three cabs out there that need dispatching. You think I got time to worry about some guy who got himself shot?

Alex:Louie, I was shot! Don't you care?

Louie:Yeah, well, these things happen.

Alex:These things happen? I was shot!

Louie:Look, you're not dead, are you? So what's the big deal?

Bobby:Louie, you might want to talk to somebody about your feelings.

Alex:So there I was, face to face with the robber...

Bobby:Was he Jewish?

Alex:I don't know, he was wearing a mask.

Louie:You look terrible. Take some time off.

Alex:Thanks, I just got this suit.

Alex Reiger:You know, the best thing to do after you fall off a horse is to get right back on it.

Louie De Palma:Yeah, well in your case, the horse was a gun.

Tony:I have a tattoo.

Louie:Morons, maniacs, lowlifes, and losers.

Alex:I'm fine. I'm ready to work normally.

Alex:I'm not picking up that passenger.

Alex:I'm not nervous, I'm just being selective about passengers.

Alex:I don't pick up anyone with two first names, anyone wearing a hat indoors, or anyone carrying a bag that's larger than their head.

Alex:And if someone's eyes are too close together, forget it. Too close together means they're thinking about something.

Alex:So who was the 12th Apostle?

Fake Priest:The 12th? Well, there was... uh... Peter, and... James, and... John...

Alex:You're doing fine, go on.

Fake Priest:...and... uh... Dopey.

Alex:Dopey?

Fake Priest:Was it Dopey?

Alex:No, Sneezy was not one of the twelve apostles.

Jim:I'm telling you, Tony, the way to handle a mugger is to be peaceful, to communicate with him.

Tony:Oh yeah? And what happens to peaceful people?

Jim:What do you mean?

Tony:They get mugged.

Bobby:Look Louie, if someone ever tries to mug me, I'll just do this—

Bobby:Aaahhh! Aaahhh! I'm having a heart attack!

Louie:Yeah, and then what? They mug you while you're on the ground.

Bobby:Did you see how convincing that was? I had them all worried!

Tony:Yeah, very nice. You want coffee?

Alex:I'm quitting. I haven't booked a single thing in months. I'm done.

Louie:Okay, okay, don't get sensitive on me. I'll stop yelling at you.

Louie:You think I care about money more than your feelings? Of course I do!

Alex:Listen, I have something to tell you all. I'm not going to make up some story about why I'm late or why I missed my shift.

Alex:The truth is, I overslept because I was drunk last night, and I spent the morning throwing up in my bathroom.

Alex:I know it's embarrassing, but I figured you all deserved the honest truth instead of some lie about my car breaking down or my mother getting sick.

Louie:You're a lily-livered, yellow-bellied, spineless, gutless, no-good coward! You're a chicken! A big yellow chicken! You wouldn't fight your way out of a paper bag if someone held it open for you! You're afraid of your own shadow! You're the kind of guy who'd run from a Girl Scout! A tiny Girl Scout with a cookie box!

Louie:You're a coward, Alex! A yellow-bellied, spineless, lily-livered chicken!

Alex:You're right, Louie. I am a coward.

Alex:Maybe I could be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher...

Bobby:You could be a astronaut!

Alex:An astronaut? Bobby, I don't have the training for that.

Bobby:Neither do the cab drivers, but they're doing it anyway.

Alex:Cab driving is a job where you won't kill yourself working.

Tony:No, but somebody else will.

Alex:We'll definitely stay in touch.

Customer:Do you have escargot?

Waiter:S-car-go? We don't have that.

Customer:Escargot. The French snails.

Waiter:Oh, herring! No, we're out of herring too.

Maitre d':Good evening, Doctor.

Elaine:Oh, well, I'm not actually a doctor.

Maitre d':I know.

Elaine:Then why did you call me Doctor?

Maitre d':Because I thought you'd get a better table.

Bobby:So, uh, doctor... how long have you been practicing medicine?

Tony:You know what impresses me about a really fancy restaurant? Not the food, not the wine list, not even the fancy silverware.

Tony:It's that nobody's ever stuck gum under the table.

Customer:Waiter! Waiter! I need service!

Tony:Hey, hey, leave him alone. Alex is doing the best he can. You can't bust his balls like that.

Customer:How are the potatoes au gratin prepared?

Alex:With a fork.

Alex:You know, driving a cab has its dangers. You could get shot, robbed, or worse.

Alex:But at least I don't have to worry about getting my feet stepped on by some drunk guy at 2 AM like I do waiting tables.

Alex:Well, let me think about this. As a cab driver, I could get shot. As a boxer, I could get punched. As a cop, I could get shot. You know, they're all pretty much the same.

Alex:*makes shooting gesture* Bang.

Bobby:Hey, I've been shot at twice in my life. You know how many times I've been hit by a bus? Zero. So statistically, I'm safer from buses than I am from bullets. That's just math.

Alex:What are you talking about? These people are awful! I can't stand any of them!

Tony:Hey, that's nice.

Waiter:Hey Alex! Table seven wants to know if their soup is coming!

Alex:I don't work here anymore.

Waiter:Oh. Well, table seven still wants to know about their soup.

Alex:I'm off duty.

Passenger:Please, I really need a ride.

Alex:Sorry, I said I'm off duty.

Alex:You know what? Get in. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm embracing the danger.