Memories Of Cab 804 1

Louie:No? What, you want me to say yes?

Louie:He should've been back by now.

Louie:Maybe he had a flat tire.

Louie:Maybe he was in an accident.

Louie:Maybe he's lying in a ditch somewhere bleeding to death.

Louie:Maybe he ran off with another woman.

Louie:Maybe he never loved us at all.

Louie:Maybe nothing means anything and we're all just floating in a void.

Alex:Bobby, you better be careful around Louie's cage.

Bobby:What do you mean? He's just sitting in there.

Alex:Exactly. One wrong move and he could break out. They'd have to call in animal control.

Bobby:Come on, he's not that dangerous.

Alex:Not dangerous? Bobby, we'd need tranquilizer darts and a net. Maybe a zookeeper.

Louie:You wrecked my cab! You're a miserable little loaf!

John:A loaf? What kind of insult is that?

Louie:The kind that fits you, you half-baked dummy!

Louie:Hurt? If he's hurt, I'm gonna break both his legs and run over him with the cab!

Tony:This cab, 804, she's special. The way she handles, the way she responds... there's nothing quite like her.

Tony:The brakes work.

Tony:This cab... it knows when you're sad. When I'm feeling down, it shifts into low gear, like it's trying to comfort me, you know? It's saying, 'Tony, slow down. Everything's gonna be okay.'

John:What about the safety shield?

Alex:Oh...

Alex:John didn't understand the concept of safety shields. He thought they were optional accessories, like cup holders. One day he leaned against a revolving door without bracing himself, and it spun him around three times before he crashed into a potted plant. I said, 'John, that's what the safety shield was for.' He said, 'What safety shield?'

Bobby:You call getting robbed lucky?

Unknown:Well, yeah. I could've been killed.

Bobby:I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about this. Look, you can sit anywhere you want. Anywhere at all.

Bobby:No, no, actually, you should sit over there. No wait, here is better. Actually, stand up. No, sit down.

Bobby:I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

Robber:This is a robbery. Give me your money.

Bobby:Well, I would, but see, my wallet's at the cleaners. And even if it wasn't, my mother always told me never to give money to strangers. Plus, I've got this thing about authority figures—nothing personal, it's just a thing. And honestly, between you and me, I'm not even sure this is real. It could be some kind of elaborate prank show. Have you considered that?

Bobby:The money is locked away securely. Nobody can get to it.

Robber:Oh yeah? I know exactly where it is. It's in the glove compartment of cab number 6.

Bobby:Mine's bigger than yours.

Robber:No, it's not.

Bobby:Is too.

Robber:Is not.

Bobby:Is too!

Robber:This is my profession. I'm a professional criminal.

Bobby:Yeah? Well, I'm a professional driver.

Robber:Look, I'm trying to have a little racial understanding here.

Bobby:No.

Robber:You dirty little guinea!

Bobby:A parking ticket was issued while they were having an armed robbery

Bobby:The irony that police presence actually helped hide their crime

Robber:Look, we've been standing here for hours. My arm's killing me.

Tony:Yeah, tell me about it. This is ridiculous.

Robber:How about we take turns? You point the gun at me for a while, I'll put mine down.

Tony:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Robber:You got a better idea?

Bobby Benson:Okay, on the count of three, we switch gun hands. One... two... three!

Robber:Wait, what? You tricked me into switching the entire weapon?

Bobby Benson:That's right. You've got the gun now, but it's not loaded. Mine is.

Bobby:I'm not switching back. This gun is mine now.

Robber:You think you're tough? I'll shoot you right now.

Bobby:Go ahead. Try it.

Robber:Click.

Bobby:Click.

Robber:You're bluffing.

Bobby:No, you're bluffing.

Both:Neither of these guns has any bullets in them.

Robber:Come on, open the door! Open it!

Taxi Driver:I'm trying! The lock is stuck!

Robber:Well try harder! I gotta get outta here!

Taxi Driver:You think I want you in here? Pull your side!

Robber:I am pulling! It won't budge!

Taxi Driver:Great. Just great. We're stuck together.

Robber:This is your fault! You and your piece of junk cab!

Taxi Driver:My fault? You're the one who jumped in here with a gun!

Robber:This is a holdup! Everybody freeze!

Bobby:Oh, you want to rob us?

Robber:That's right! Hand over your money!

Bobby:Well, okay.

Robber:You know what? Forget it. This is no fun at all. You're not entertaining enough to rob.

Robber:This is a holdup!

Bobby:That'll be $2.50 for the ride.

Robber:What? I'm robbing you!

Bobby:Doesn't matter. You got in my cab, you pay the fare.

Bobby:That'll be $12.50 for the ride.

Bobby:Plus $15 for the parking ticket you got while you were robbing the store.

Robber:I don't have cab fare.

Bobby:Where do you live?

Robber:Why? You gonna help me?

Bobby:No, I'm gonna call the cops and tell them where to find you.

Bobby:It was nothing to write home about.

Bobby:I mean, there was that one photo of me in the Times, and the Daily News ran that whole story about how I single-handedly directed traffic during that blackout, and Channel 7 did a three-minute segment on me...

Bobby:You didn't save anybody.

Tony:I did too save somebody.

Bobby:Who?

Tony:Well, it wasn't a big deal or anything.

Passenger:I'm going to jump off the bridge.

Tony:Don't do that.

Passenger:Well, okay then.

Tony:What do you mean 'that's it'? I saved a guy's life!

Bobby:Yeah, but it was over in thirty seconds.

Tony:So? At least I didn't spend forty-five minutes telling you about the time I robbed a liquor store in 1987!

Father:Listen, when you're watching my son, there are a few things you need to know. He's very enterprising. Whatever you do, don't let him sell the luggage.

Kid:So Louie, what's it like being a father?

Louie:What's it like? I'll tell you what it's like. It's a trap, that's what it is. You think you're gonna have this beautiful kid, teach 'em right from wrong, watch 'em grow up into a decent human being. Forget about it. They're gonna do the exact opposite of everything you tell 'em. And you're gonna spend twenty years trying to undo the damage you did just by being around.

Louie:I just picked up a fare!

Dispatcher:That's great, Louie. Your second one in five hours.

Kid:Who is that on the radio?

Louie:That's a dispatcher. All dispatchers are scum.

Kid:But Louie, aren't you a dispatcher?

Louie:Yeah, well, I'm scum too.

Kid:I'll pay you to drive me.

Louie:Are you crazy? Do you see the traffic out there? The potholes? The maniacs behind the wheel?

Kid:I'll give you an extra ten dollars.

Louie:Get in.

Louie:Can you drive?

Kid:Sure, I've stolen three cars.

Louie:Seventy-five dollars? For that outfit? My whole outfit cost seventy-five dollars.

Kid:Really? Where'd you get it?

Louie:Most of it I got at a thrift shop. The radio alone was fifty bucks.

Louie:Your mother's got some real bagonzas on her.

Kid:What's a bagonza?

Louie:A bagonza? It's uh... it's a very rare Italian coin. Worth about fifteen cents. Your mother's got some very valuable coins.

Louie:Go ahead, recite the states.

Kid:All 50 states.

Louie:What are you doing?

Kid:I won. You said recite the states, I recited them.

Kid:I bet I can predict the exact score of tonight's basketball game before it starts.

Other Character:Yeah? What's the score going to be?

Kid:Zero to zero.

Kid:I regret not having more time to fleece him further.

Kid:You smoke?

Louie:Only the strongest cigarettes I can find.

Kid:I won! I won the breath-holding contest!

Chain Smoker:How is that possible? I've been smoking for thirty years!

Kid:Yeah, well, I've been breathing for twelve.

Bobby:You took money from a kid? What's wrong with you?

Louie:So what? He had it, I needed it.

Bobby:But he's a child, Louie!

Louie:Yeah, so? You think I'm gonna rob an old lady? I'm not stupid. Those things got purses like cannons.

Alex:Look, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation. Maybe John just needs a new carburetor, or some new brake fluid, or—

John:The cab's totaled.

John:Minor accident? I got hit by a bus!