Memories Of Cab 804 2

Robber:This is a holdup! Give me all your money!

Victim:Okay, okay, here you go.

Robber:That's it? No screaming? No begging? No nothing? You're not even a little bit entertaining about this whole thing?

Alex:It could happen to any of us.

Bobby:Either of us.

Latka:*grunt*

Latka:I can fix this cab, no problem. I don't need no specialist.

Latka:I am very good mechanic. The best mechanic.

Latka:Just show me what is wrong.

Latka:...I quit.

Elaine:How late will I be?

Alex:It's 140 miles.

Elaine:So I'll be a little late.

Elaine:I can't believe how awful I look in this taxi license photo. It's terrible!

Mike:Elaine, it's a mug shot. It's not supposed to be flattering.

Elaine:So there was this one passenger, right? Most obnoxious guy you've ever seen. He'd sit in the back, just completely silent the whole ride. Wouldn't ask me a single question about my life, my dreams, where I'm from, nothing.

Mike:So what's the problem?

Elaine:The problem is, he was the only one who didn't pry into my life. And I hated him for it.

Elaine:I rent my paintings. I get them from libraries like books. Why should art be any different from literature?

Elaine:You know what? This is too perfect. There's gotta be something wrong. There's always something wrong when things are this perfect.

Elaine:He's too good-looking. He's too smart. He's too funny. He's too rich. He's too... available.

Elaine:Maybe he's a serial killer. Maybe he's got a wife in another state. Maybe he's got a weird fetish. Maybe he's a communist. Maybe he doesn't like dogs.

Elaine:So you're either married, gay, or crazy.

Mike:I'm crazy.

Elaine:Oh, thank God. That's the best one.

Elaine:How did you know I have children?

Mike:It's written all over your face.

Elaine:What? Do I have 'Mom' tattooed on my forehead or something?

Elaine:You know, Mike, honesty is a terrible character flaw in a romantic situation.

Elaine:I can't take a hundred dollar tip. I'd feel like a call girl.

Mike:So take it. You'll feel like a call girl who's doing well.

Elaine:No, I mean I'd feel like a call girl who's incompetent. A hundred dollars? That's not even in the ballpark.

Mike:You would have gotten me.

Mike:But you would have lost your apartment.

Elaine:His flaw was respecting her boundaries - treating respect as a character defect

Latka:I only have the usual passenger stories.

Latka:Well, except for this one guy who had a living lettuce in his briefcase. Said it was his roommate.

Pregnant woman:He was right behind me on the stairs, but I was moving faster.

Pregnant woman:I guess that's what they mean by 'eating for two.'

Ruth:I've been taking natural childbirth classes. I'm completely prepared. The instructor says I'm like a cat — I'm so relaxed, I could deliver in a litter box.

Allen:I've got it all planned out. According to the textbook, labor follows a precise schedule.

Ruth:Allen, the baby's coming!

Allen:That's impossible. We're not due for another three hours according to the contractions chart!

Ruth:Well, somebody better tell the baby that.

Allen:Okay, okay, push! You can do this! Remember what I taught you!

Alex:Allen, you're not even in the room!

Allen:I know, but I'm very close to the door! Now breathe, breathe!

Alex:The baby's coming right now!

Allen:That's beautiful! I'm getting emotional out here! Keep pushing!

Alex:Allen, get in here and help me!

Allen:I can't look! Just tell me when it's over!

Ruth:Allen, you're supposed to be coaching. Let Alex do it.

Ruth:Push! Push harder!

Alex:I am pushing! What do you think I'm doing?

Allen:Not you, Alex! Ruth's talking to the baby!

Ruth:Well, somebody tell Alex to push anyway. It might help!

Ruth:That's it! I'm calling off the wedding!

Allen:What? Ruth, come on, be reasonable.

Ruth:Reasonable? You weren't reasonable when I needed you most! You just stood there while I was in labor!

Allen:I was in shock!

Ruth:Well get out of shock, because the wedding is OFF!

Allen:What's your name? We might name the baby after you.

Alex:Alex.

Allen:Never mind. How about a drink instead?

Alex:Latka, what did you do to cab 804? The steering wheel is backwards!

Latka:No, no, is not backwards. Is fixed. You turn left, she goes right. You turn right, she goes left.

Alex:That's the problem! Normal cars don't do that!

Latka:In my country, all cars do this. You get used to it.

Latka:Brakes only work in impossible weather conditions

Louie:And stay under 55 miles an hour or the transmission will fall apart...

Alex:Wait, wait. Now that I think about it... that wasn't cab 804.

Alex:That was a different cab.