Louie And The Nice Girl

Bobby:You know, it's ridiculous. Two grown men fighting over candy.

Unknown Driver:You're absolutely right. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Unknown Driver:But did you see the malted balls?

Tony:What do I owe you for the organic shampoo?

Zena:Oh, the first one's free.

Bobby:Of course you missed me. Everybody missed me. I'm a star.

Louie:Listen, I'm the dispatcher here. You want me to keep sending you good calls or you gonna give me free candy from that machine?

Mechanic:You can't use your job to extort candy, Louie.

Louie:Watch me. Next time you get a call, it's gonna be to pick up a load of fish at the docks in August.

Louie:Why is it the first candy bar always tastes the best?

Driver:Because you always eat the first one, so we have no basis for comparison.

Louie:Go ahead, fight over what's left. I got the good stuff.

Unknown Driver:Yeah, Louie's really something.

Unknown Driver:He's like a cockroach — you can't get rid of him no matter what you do.

Zena:They don't even notice how cute Louie is.

Elaine:They don't notice? Louie? Cute?

Elaine:Louie's cute?

Elaine:Cute Louie?

Zena:I'm attracted to powerful men.

Elaine:Louie? Powerful?

Zena:He's a dispatcher.

Elaine:He's a petty dispatcher.

Zena:You don't want to introduce me to Louie because you're afraid I'll fall for him.

Elaine:No, that's not it at all.

Zena:Yes, you think he's too attractive for me to resist.

Elaine:Zena, nobody falls for Louie. Louie is a dispatcher.

Elaine:Who would introduce Zena to Louie?

Alex:I will.

Alex:Zena, I'd like you to meet my boss, Louie De Palma.

Alex:Now, don't make any sudden movements, and speak in a low, calm voice.

Alex:If he charges, just back away slowly and avoid eye contact.

Louie:

Zena:

Louie:

Zena:

Louie:Hey Zena, I heard you're in the candy business. I'd love to get a taste of your sweet stuff.

Zena:Louie, that's inappropriate.

Louie:What? I'm just saying your candy looks delicious!

Louie:You know, I've been thinking about diversifying my portfolio into the confectionery sector. I'm considering a leveraged buyout of the local candy distribution network.

Louie:The synergies are tremendous. We could implement a vertical integration strategy, consolidate our supply chain, and maximize shareholder value through aggressive market penetration of chocolate bars and lollipops.

Louie:I'm projecting a 300% ROI within the fiscal quarter, assuming we can secure adequate capital and mitigate our operational overhead.

Louie:Hey Zena, how'd you like to go to a wedding with me?

Zena:A wedding? That sounds romantic!

Louie:Romantic? Nah. There's an open bar and a prime rib dinner. You could save yourself thirty, forty bucks easy.

Alex:One date can't be too bad.

Elaine:Are you kidding? Next thing you know you'll be married with three kids, a mortgage, and a station wagon!

Louie:I'm tellin' ya, it was incredible. She was like a wild animal, completely uninhibited. We made passionate love all night long.

Louie:The moon was shining through the window, casting a golden glow across her face. It was like something out of a romance novel.

Louie:Time stood still. The world disappeared. It was just the two of us, lost in each other's arms.

Louie:So I'm tellin' ya, this romance with Angela was like navigatin' the most treacherous waters. Every night was like climbin' Mount Everest in a tuxedo. I was givin' her the full treatment — flowers, candlelight, the whole nine yards.

Louie:I'm sweatin' through my shirt, my heart's poundin' like a jackhammer, and I'm thinkin' this is it — this is the big moment.

Louie:So what happens? Nothin'. Absolutely nothin'. She falls asleep.

Elaine:Oh, that's great, Louie. You know, it's nice to see a man so secure in his ability to attract women. Me? I just try to avoid situations where I have to take responsibility for my own romantic decisions.

Louie:So there I am, right? I'm with this gorgeous woman, and she's all over me. And I'm thinking, 'This is it, Louie. This is your moment.' So I say to her, 'Listen, baby, I gotta be honest with you. This is gonna be a lot of work for you.'

Louie:She says, 'What do you mean?' I tell her, 'Well, you're gonna have to fake it for about three minutes, and then you're gonna have to lie about it for the rest of your life.'

Louie:You know, I've been reading about this thing called 'carpe diem' - seize the day. And let me tell you, I've been seizing plenty of days, if you know what I mean.

Louie:In fact, I'd say my life is a real 'memento mori' - a reminder of how to live. The ladies certainly seem to remember me.

Louie:What? I didn't do anything!

Alex:Louie, every time you mention Zena, you make that gesture.

Louie:What gesture? I don't make any gesture!

Alex:That one! Right there! You just did it again!

Louie:Did what? I'm just talking!

Louie:You know, my relationship with Zena is really special. We understand each other on a level that most people never reach. It's like we're two halves of the same—

Louie:(unconsciously shudders and grimaces)

Louie:I'm unconsciously making gestures.

Louie:But let me tell you, the women can't keep their hands off me.

Louie:Alex, I gotta talk to you about something personal.

Alex:Sure, Louie, what is it?

Louie:Well, I've been thinking... maybe we could be friends. Real friends.

Alex:Louie, I appreciate that, but I need to be honest with you. I need you to maintain a distance of at least three feet from me at all times.

Louie:Three feet? What if I need to ask you something?

Alex:Then you yell it from over there.

Louie:Alex, I gotta tell you something. Something real personal.

Alex:Louie, no. I'm warning you right now — you start telling me your secrets, I'm jamming pencils in my ears.

Louie:But Alex—

Alex:I mean it. Permanent hearing loss. That's what you're looking at here.

Louie:I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a big tough man!

Zena:Oh Louie...

Louie:Yes, yes, what is it?

Zena:Could you get me a pillow, and maybe some ice water, and fluff my pillows again?

Louie:Of course, of course!

Alex:Well, maybe Zena sees something in Louie that we don't see. Maybe she's attracted to his... his sensitivity, his vulnerability.

Tony:She's crazy.

Zena:You brought Louie and me together.

Alex:Yeah, well, that's going to be my legacy. Not the good things I've done, not helping people, not being kind. No, I'm going to be remembered as the guy who brought Zena and Louie together.

Zena:We're adults. We should have some physical involvement.

Alex:You're right.

Zena:Louie's been bragging about us all week.

Alex:He has?

Zena:Yeah. But the truth is, he hasn't even touched me.

Louie:Hey, what are you telling him?

Louie:What do you mean I haven't touched you? I've touched you plenty of times.

Zena:Name one time.

Louie:I've patted you on the back, I've shaken your hand...

Zena:That's it? That's all you got? A pat on the back and a handshake?

Louie:Well, what do you want me to do?

Zena:I don't know. Something more... intimate.

Louie:Okay, okay. I'll give you a high five.

Louie:You see, when you're dating a woman, you gotta treat her like a horse. You gotta break her in real gentle-like, let her know who's in charge, and if she acts up, you gotta show her the whip.

Alex:Louie, that's the worst dating advice I've ever heard.

Louie:What? It works every time. Women love a man who takes control. It's all about the horse and rider relationship.

Louie:I found my match, Elaine. A woman who appreciates me for who I am.

Elaine:Louie, the only thing that matches you is a mug shot.

Louie:Alex, I need you to listen to me like you do for the other drivers.

Alex:Sure, Louie. What's on your mind?

Louie:I'm really going through something here. I need someone to understand.

Alex:That'll be five dollars.

Louie:You're charging me fifty bucks for that? That's barely any information!

Alex:That's my price, Louie.

Louie:But you hardly told me anything!

Alex:Fifty dollars.

Louie:I'm telling you, Alex, I got the women lined up around the block. They can't get enough of me.

Alex:Louie, that's great.

Louie:No, you don't understand. I'm talking about women from all over. Celebrities, models, socialites.

Alex:Uh-huh.

Louie:I had three different women call me last night. All at the same time. They were fighting over me.

Alex:You know what, Louie? That'll be an extra five dollars.

Louie:What? Why?

Alex:Listening to obvious lies. That's a specialized service. It costs extra.

Louie:You know what? I'm gonna do something nice for Zena.

Alex:That's nice, Louie. What did you have in mind?

Louie:I'm gonna take her to dinner. A real nice place.

Alex:Louie, that's gonna cost you at least fifty bucks.

Louie:Fifty bucks? Are you crazy? I'm not made of money!

Alex:Exactly my point.

Alex:Louie, I think I've figured out your problem with women.

Louie:Yeah? What's that?

Alex:You can't handle a decent woman.

Louie:That's it! That's exactly it! You hit the nail on the head!

Louie De Palma:You see, there's two kinds of women in this world. There's the good girls you respect, the ones you take home to your mother. And then there's the other kind.

Louie De Palma:The good ones, you don't fool around with. You marry them, you support them, you give them respect. The other ones? Well, those are for having fun with.

Alex:You want my advice? Here's what you do. Go home, tell her you forgot your anniversary, spend the night at a strip club, and when you get home, tell her she's gained weight.

Louie:That's the worst advice I've ever heard!

Alex:Yeah, well, you asked.

Alex:You know what you should do? Go down to the docks at midnight with a wad of cash and ask around for 'the guy with the scar.' Tell him Louie sent you.

Louie:That's good advice. I'm going to do that tonight.

Alex:Louie, wait—

Louie:No, no, I appreciate it. Finally, someone in this cab knows what they're talking about.

Louie:I brought you flowers.

Zena:You did? Where are they?

Louie:I threw them away.

Zena:Why would you do that?

Louie:Because that's who I am.

Louie:I can't see you tonight.

Zena:Why not?

Louie:Because I'm not going to.

Zena:That's not a reason.

Louie:Sure it is. I'm not going because I'm not going. That's the reason I'm not going.

Zena:Here, let me give you a shoulder massage.

Louie:No thanks.

Zena:How about a foot rub?

Louie:No.

Zena:A nice back rub?

Louie:No!

Zena:Well, can I at least massage your spleen?

Louie:No!

Louie:I'm telling Donna, 'You gotta control that sexuality in your music. You're too hot, too sexy.' And she says, 'Louie, what do you know about music?' And I say, 'Nothing, but I know about ratings, and if you keep shaking like that, we're gonna have to put a warning label on the radio.'

Louie:Donna Summer? I knew her back in Brooklyn. We dated for three weeks.

Louie:She was nothing like she is now. No talent whatsoever. I'm the one who discovered her.

Louie:We were at this club, and I said, 'Donna, you got something special.' Next thing you know, she's a superstar.

Louie:She owes everything to me. Everything!

Zena:Mr. De Palma, Donna Summer is Black.

Louie:Look, Zena, I can't be physical with you. The doctor says I gotta avoid any strenuous activity that might cause undue stress to my cardiovascular system. In other words, I can't engage in horizontal aerobic exertion.

Zena:Yeah, well, even the doorman asked me why I was with Louie.

Zena:He's cute.

Zena:You touch me emotionally.

Louie:I do?

Zena:Yeah. You make me feel things I've never felt before.

Louie:...

Zena:I cry in my bedroom after our dates.

Louie:Next time, cry in mine. I want to be there for you.

Louie:So here we are.

Zena:Here we are.

Louie:Your bedroom.

Zena:My bedroom.

Louie:I'm coming in.

Zena:Okay.

Louie:I'm at the threshold. I'm about to cross it. I'm... I'm stepping... my foot is going in... my other foot is... I can't do it.

Zena:You can't?

Louie:I'm sweating through my shirt.

Louie:Women!

Zena:What?

Louie:Nothing, nothing.

Zena:Do you want a kiss?

Louie:Well...

Zena:You're free now, Louie. No more obligation.

Louie:Free? Lady, I can't move. My legs won't work.