Jim Gets A Pet

Latka:I take horse's temperature. If horse is warm, I bet on horse. If horse is cold, I don't bet.

Tony:That's it? That's your system?

Latka:Is very effective. Warm horse always run fast because blood is moving. Cold horse, blood is slow.

Latka:I tell you, my system, it never fails. Every day I go to the track, I use my special method, and every day I come home with empty pockets.

Latka:You know why? Because it works! My system is so reliable, I know for certain I will lose money. And I am never wrong!

Unknown male character · Elaine:'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' exchange about vices

Jim:What word describes what gambling replaces in my life?

Tony:Drugs.

Jim:No thank you, I'm all set.

Jim:You know what gambling does? It makes ordinary moments thrilling. Like, I bet Bobby five bucks he couldn't get a decent espresso out of that coffee machine.

Bobby:I can do that.

Jim:No, you can't. Nobody can. That machine hasn't made anything decent since 1987.

Jim:I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can drink a martini made with motor oil, tabasco sauce, and a raw egg.

Tony:You're crazy. Nobody could drink that.

Jim:I'm telling you, I can do it.

Alex:Jim, those are impossible odds. Don't take that bet.

Jim:You know what? I'm doing it anyway.

Jim:Thanks for the bet, Bobby. You really gave me that thrill.

Bobby:What thrill? You knew you were gonna win the whole time.

Jim:I know, but you gave me the thrill of hope.

Bobby:Jim, I feel terrible about taking your money. I don't know how I can ever make this up to you.

Jim:It's simple. Give it back.

Louie:You want the loan or not? Sign here.

Jim:Wait, what's this clause about selling my living body to science?

Louie:Oh, that. Standard collateral. You don't pay up, I sell you to science. While you're still using it.

Jim:Wait, you're saying I can sell my body?

Louie:That's right.

Jim:My whole body?

Louie:Well, while you're still alive, yes.

Elaine:Gambling is a disease. It destroys lives, ruins families, tears apart the fabric of society.

Alex:Elaine, you're holding cards.

Elaine:I know. I'm just about to deal.

Tony:Kings and queens? I'm out. That's a straight flush waiting to happen.

Tony:I got nothing. Not a pair, not a straight, nothing.

Alex:I got three aces.

Tony:Three aces? What are we playing for?

Alex:Nothing. No stakes.

Tony:Nothing? Then what do I care? I'm happy!

Elaine:Jim, I have to warn you about gambling. It starts innocently enough, but then you lose a little money, then a little more, and before you know it, you've lost your house, your car, your family...

Elaine:You're living under a bridge, wearing a barrel, selling pencils door-to-door just to buy a cup of coffee...

Elaine:And then one day you wake up and you realize you've become a ventriloquist's dummy, and the ventriloquist doesn't even like you that much!

Elaine:These are dangerous criminals we're talking about.

Jim:Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Elaine:I don't know, call the police!

Jim:The police? They'll take care of it. They always do.

Police Officer:We have a file on your past crimes.

Jim:Past crimes? Plural? It was just the one time!

Police Officer:We have documentation of at least five incidents.

Jim:Five? No, no—it was three. Three at most.

Jim:My parents will protect me. I can hide at their place.

Elaine:Jim, the criminals have already kidnapped your mother.

Jim:I've tried everything else. My last resort is confession.

Priest:I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

Jim:Why not? I thought confession was for everyone.

Priest:Not for you. I know who you are.

Jim:I bet on a horse named Mavis today.

Jim:Why would I do that? Because that horse is an underdog, and I identify with underdogs. We're the same, that horse and me.

Jim:We both show up, we both try our best, and we both usually lose.

Jim:He knows exactly how many bars he passed but didn't drink the money away

Jim:I bought a racehorse.

Jim:They threw in the saddle.

Jim:I bought a horse.

Louie:You bought a horse? What are you, crazy?

Jim:No, it's a great investment.

Alex:Jim, there's a horse standing in the middle of the garage.

Jim:I know.

Jim:He felt obligated to reciprocate the horse's favor

Jim:How much does the horse cost?

Seller:What have you got?

Jim:I've got $500.

Seller:That's exactly what the horse costs.

Jim:We gotta catch that horse before it gets away!

Alex:Wait, wait. Guys, relax. It's okay.

Jim:What do you mean relax? It's a racehorse!

Alex:Yeah, but... I've seen this horse race. We can walk after it.

Jim:I've liberated that horse from the tyranny of his racing name. He's no longer 'Thunderbolt' or whatever corporate designation they branded him with.

Jim:Now he goes by his true name: Frank.

Alex:What did you name the horse you freed?

Jim:I named him Fred.

Louie:You know what I got? A broken-down cab, a driver who can't find his way out of the garage, and a horse that's got more sense than both of us combined!

Louie:What do you mean 'nice'? I'll make it nice. We'll use the glue for charity.

Bobby:Jim, I gotta say, your apartment... it's really something.

Jim:Yeah? You like it?

Bobby:Well, it's got... walls. Definitely walls.

Jim:That's true.

Bobby:And a floor. That's important in an apartment.

Jim:I appreciate that.

Bobby:The ceiling is... also here. So you've got that going for you.

Jim:Thanks, Bobby.

Jim:It's not condemned, it's a fixer-upper.

Jim:Yeah, I know it looks bad, but you should've seen it last week.

Jim:Well, I've got this elaborate scheme. I run a wire from the laundromat next door, disguise it as a clothesline, and nobody suspects a thing.

Jim:Hey, you know what the great thing about living in a terrible apartment is? There's nowhere to go but up. Literally. My ceiling leaks, so every time it rains, I get a little shower. Free water bill. My neighbors are so loud, I don't need a stereo. And the roaches? They're like tiny roommates who pay rent in entertainment value.

Jim:You know what the amazing thing was? Nobody mugged me.

Vet:I've examined your horse. Now I think you need an examination too.

Jim:Why? What's wrong with me?

Vet:Anyone who owns a horse like this and brings it to me must be crazy.

Bobby:Do you have a nutcracker?

Jim:No, but I have a table.

Bobby:A table? What good is a table?

Jim:Well, it's actually for cracking nuts.

Jim:You gotta crack 'em like this. You take the nut, you put it in the vice, you tighten the vice real good, then you hit it with the hammer.

Bobby:That seems like a lot of work.

Jim:Work? That's the only way to do it right.

Jim:Hey, you know what they say about horses? If a horse is lying down and won't get up, it's probably dead.

Jim:So I go to check on Gary this morning...

Jim:How long has the horse been sleeping?

Jim:Three weeks.

Jim:Well, I think he's a little tired.

Jim:Whatever you do, don't wake the person sleeping in the guest room.

Bobby:Which one is the guest - you or the dead horse?

Bobby:The horse died.

Tony:Oh no! I'm gonna kill myself!

Jim:He was bred and raised right here in this city.

Jim:And he turned out to be a fine horse.

Jim:He was a magnificent creature in his own mind.

Jim:But let's face it, he was just a broken-down nag that couldn't pull a cab uphill without stopping for a nap.

Louie:That was beautiful, Jim. Really beautiful. You know, that reminds me of my mother.

Jim:Your mother?

Louie:Yeah. She's just like that old racehorse — still got a little life left in her, but mostly just waiting for someone to put her out to pasture.