The Reluctant Fighter

Caller:I'd like to speak to Tony Banta the boxer.

Louie DePalma:Tony Banta the boxer? We don't have a Tony Banta the boxer here. But we got Tony Banta the bum. You want him instead?

Louie:Hey! Where do you think you're going? You can't just walk in here!

Visitor:I'm just looking for someone.

Louie:That'll be five dollars.

Visitor:Five dollars? For what?

Louie:Deposit. You wanna walk around in here, you put down five bucks. You break something, I keep it. You don't break nothing, I give it back.

Louie:The deposit is non-refundable.

Vince:Okay, as long as I get it back.

Vince:Tony's got all the qualifications of a great fighter. He's got the speed, he's got the moves, he's got the killer instinct.

Vince:You know, I had my first five choices, but they all turned me down.

Tony:You know, fighting a great boxer is like... it's like a great artist getting to paint with Picasso, or a musician getting to jam with Miles Davis.

Tony:It's the opportunity of a lifetime to create something beautiful.

Tony:Of course, in my case, what we're creating is a black eye and a broken nose.

Tony:I expected the ex-champ's gym to be more... classy.

Vince:Classy? The height of class is bathroom stall doors.

Bobby:It's a tension-relieving exercise. You put your hands on your shoulders like this, and you rotate your head in a circular motion.

Tony:No.

Vince:You know, Tony, we make a great team. I've got the brains, you've got the brains.

Tony:No, no, no. You got the brains, I got the muscle.

Vince:Has anybody here ever worked a fight?

Alex:I was married once.

Elaine:You think they're professionals?

Alex:Well, they've got to be Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Saturday and Sunday are their days off.

Elaine:Oh great, so I'm just one of the girls now?

Louie:Look at this! You're on the front page of the newspaper!

Tony:That's great, Louie.

Louie:Great? It's fantastic! Look at this photo - you in the wheelchair. This is perfect publicity!

Tony:Louie, I'm not sure that's the angle we want to emphasize.

Louie:Are you kidding? It's sympathetic, it's human interest. The people eat this stuff up! You're gold, Tony. Pure gold!

Tony:I'm gonna donate an organ.

Louie:Tony, that's beautiful. Which organ?

Tony:The jukebox in my apartment.

Louie:Yeah, well you're already functioning without a brain.

Louie:You see this chair? Tony lost $200 on that one. This couch? $500. That lamp over there? $150. Every single piece of furniture in this apartment came from betting against Tony.

Louie:I'm doubling my bet.

Louie:My mother's eyesight is getting worse. She's gonna need thicker glasses.

Alex:You know, I was looking under rocks today, and I found the most disgusting things — slugs, worms, insects. But you know what? Even they were repulsed by Louie.

Louie:Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

Alex:It means you're so repulsive, you disgust creatures that live under rocks.

Louie:I got it all figured out. Tony wants to lose. That's why he keeps losin'. It's psychological.

Louie:So if a guy wants to lose, he's gonna lose. Which means if I bet against him, he wins. But he WANTS to lose, so he loses anyway.

Louie:So I should bet FOR him, which makes him want to lose more, so he loses, which means I win!

Louie:Unless he knows that I know that he wants to lose, in which case he'll win just to spite me.

Alex:If Tony wants to lose, and he wins, then he's not doing what he wants. But if he loses, he's doing what he wants, which means he's not really trying to lose, so he wins. But if he wins, then he's not doing what he wants...

Tony:My head hurts.

Alex:The only way for Tony to stay a loser is to win.

Tony:Can we talk about something other than boxing for once?

Bobby:Sure, why not? Let's discuss NATO withdrawal.

Tony:NATO? What's NATO?

Alex:Why don't you guys take his cab? He gets paid by the mile.

Brian:He's fine. The ref only counted to eight.

Brian:A hack? You mean like a hack boxer?

Tony:No, a hack cab driver.

Brian:Oh, that's what I said.

Tony:What'd you hit me with?

Brian:Wheelchair ball bearings.

Brian:Tony, I appreciate the offer, but look at your record.

Tony:What's wrong with my record?

Brian:You've lost more fights than you've won!

Tony:Yeah, but I'm still standing.

Brian:Barely. I need a hero, not a cautionary tale.

Brian:Alright, I'll be your fan until you lose.

Tony:That's great! Thanks for the support.

Tony:Better get comfortable, though — you're gonna be my fan for a long time.

Alex:He wanted more fighting, less hockey

Brian:Go ahead, Louie. Don't stop now. You're just getting warmed up.

Louie:Why should I waste my breath on this paluka?

Brian:Because you're so good at it. Come on, let's hear some more.

Brian:Don't stop now, Louie. You're just getting warmed up!

Louie:Why should I? This mook doesn't deserve my time.

Brian:Come on, lay it on him. You were doing great!

Tony:Why didn't you punch him?

Brian:I pickpocketed him instead.