Tony And Brian

Bobby:You guys, you gotta read this review of my play! It's incredible!

Bobby:Listen to this opening line: 'This play is a dog.'

Bobby:A dog! That's what the reviewer called my play!

Bobby:Listen to this review: 'Bobby Benson's acting is so wooden, he makes a two-by-four look like Laurence Olivier.'

Tony:Hey Bobby, don't let it go to your head.

Bobby:No, no, we keep reading. There's actually a glowing review of my performance buried in all this.

Bobby:You know, I gotta be honest with you. I thought you were a terrible critic until you said that thing about me.

Tony:I struck out four times today.

Brian:You didn't strike out. You psyched out the pitcher.

Tony:What do you mean I psyched him out?

Brian:Well, he was so psyched out watching you not be able to hit the ball that he threw four pitches.

Brian:Because they're my friends.

Brian:You don't need to be rich to adopt kids.

Brian:Yeah, well, these looks require wealthy parents.

Brian:My dimples are my best feature. They're what really sell me.

Tony:Let me see that.

Tony:Hold still. Turn to the left.

Tony:No, the other way. Stand under the light.

Tony:Hmm, not bad. But you got some wear and tear on these. They're not as deep as they used to be.

Louie De Palma:You know, adoption gets harder as kids get older. It's like a career - you've only got a short prime.

Brian:I'm eight years old.

Tony:Your social worker said you were nine.

Brian:Well, I don't look nine, do I?

Alex:Have you ever thought about adoption?

Tony:Me? Get adopted? I'm 35 years old!

Tony:Well, I spent my whole childhood around kids.

Tony:I went to grade school.

Bobby:Oh, you went to grade school? Let's see... that's what, twelve years of experience?

Bobby:Now the Long Island Bulletin destroyed my performance too.

Louie:Bobby, I heard about your indigestion problem. Here, I brought you some antacids.

Bobby:Antacids? What are you talking about?

Louie:The review said you were chewing the scenery. I figured you'd need something for your stomach.

Tony:I invited everyone to help with Brian because I figured we're all friends here, we all care about each other, and I thought—wait, Jim, what are you doing here?

Jim:You invited me.

Tony:No I didn't.

Jim:Hey, no problem. I figured it was an honest mistake.

Tony:Hey, I made lunch!

Louie:Yeah? What'd you make?

Tony:Charcoal.

Louie:That's great, Tony. Really great. You finally made something.

Tony:Yeah, I burned it from scratch.

Elaine:Adoption is easy, Tony. Lots of people do it.

Tony:Easy? You call that easy? Nine months of pregnancy, labor pains, natural childbirth... that's the easy way?

Elaine:Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was so simple. Next time I'll try the hard way.

Tony:Everyone, please wait in the other room for a few minutes. I need some privacy.

Character:Tony, this is your apartment. You only have a bathroom.

Tony:Yeah, well... go wait in there then.

Jim:Wait, wait, wait. Hide and seek? I'm telling you right now, I'm very good at this game. I have a natural talent for hiding.

Jim:You guys don't stand a chance against me.

Brian:I'm vegetarian.

Tony:You just became vegetarian?

Brian:Yeah, the moment I saw your meatloaf.

Tony:You know, there might be someone even better than the Brennans who wants to adopt you.

Brian:Who?

Tony:Well, I got a call this morning...

Brian:Princess Grace?!

Tony:They're in my bathroom because we do everything together.

Brian:Oh yeah, you did say that.

Jim:Ready or not, here I come!

Alex:Tony, you get outwitted by inanimate objects.

Alex:I can't go, Tony. My mother's in town.

Alex:My car's in the shop.

Alex:I've got a date.

Tony:They have a library in their house?

Tony:I didn't know they could read.

Tony:You know, with a house like this, I bet the stables were here first.

Tony:So you're telling me the horses decided to move into the house?

Alex:Well, they made a real estate decision.

Mr. Brennan:You told me Tony has an impressive knockout record.

Brian:Well, I may have exaggerated a little.

Tony:My knockout record? Yeah, well, I got knocked out in the first round, the second round, the third round...

Tony:I got knocked out so many times, I thought my name was 'Down for the Count.'

Mr. Brennan:What do you do for a living, Alex?

Alex:I drive a cab.

Mr. Brennan:No, I mean what do you do besides that?

Alex:I drive a cab.

Mr. Brennan:What are your career aspirations, Alex?

Alex:My only aspiration is to quit this job.

Mr. Brennan:What is Muhammad Ali doing these days?

Tony:I think he's selling batteries in Alaska.

Tony:I don't understand. Why is brandy served in such small glasses?

Louie:Because it's expensive, you mook. You're supposed to sip it, not guzzle it like beer.

Tony:Oh. So if we're short on brandy, I could drink beer instead?

Mr. Brennan:What's it like, driving a cab?

Tony:It's like boxing. You go out there, you get beaten up, but at least in boxing you got an audience. In a cab, you get beaten up in private.

Brian:Yeah, well, Tommy was the cute kid before I got here.

Alex:Name three things more important than money.

Brian:Health, family, and love.

Alex:Those aren't things money can buy.

Brian:No, but a good doctor, a nice house, and dinner at a fancy restaurant can.

Alex:You gotta get down on your knees and beg him.

Tony:What?

Alex:Get on your knees and beg him. Plead with him.

Tony:You know, when we adopted you, you were eight years old.

Brian:Nine.

Tony:What?

Brian:I was nine.

Tony:You want me to get nasty about this? Because I will get nasty about this.

Tony:I'm 42 years old and I'm available for adoption. Any takers?

Brian:Hey Tony, wow, traffic was murder getting over here. I mean, absolutely brutal on the FDR Drive.

Tony:Brian? What are you doing here?

Brian:Oh, you know, just thought I'd swing by. But seriously, you should've seen it out there. Some cab just cut me off, nearly sideswiped the whole—anyway, you got any coffee?

Tony:Brian, you came back!

Brian:Yeah, well, Alex was right. You know, it's not about the money or the glory. It's about doing the right thing and being a good person.

Tony:So you chose love over money.

Brian:I didn't choose anything. Her family rejected me. I had no choice.

Brian:They said I was too good-looking for the family. They were afraid I'd show them up.

Tony:What do you mean I'm your consolation prize? You're staying here like you're doing me a favor!

Brian:Well, I am doing you a favor.

Tony:A favor? Brian, you're not doing me a favor. You're my consolation prize!

Brian:Hey, at least Tony's cooking can't be worse than this coffee.

Tony:Wait, wait, wait. You're only asking me because Brennan said no?

Brian:Well, yeah, but—

Tony:No. No way. If I'm not your first choice, I'm not your choice at all. Find somebody else.

Brian:Come on, Tony. You know you can't resist me when I smile like this.

Tony:That's where you're wrong, pal. I've built up an immunity.

Brian:But Tony, I'm your friend!

Tony:I don't care, Brian. You have to go.

Brian:Tony, please. Remember when I saved your life?

Tony:That was one time.

Brian:And when I gave you my kidney?

Tony:You never gave me a kidney.

Brian:But I would have. Doesn't that count for something?

Tony:You're trying to manipulate me.

Brian:Is it working?

Tony:Yeah.

Tony:We'll play cards to decide who gets to adopt the baby.

Brian:Cards? That eliminates emotion and manipulation from the decision.

Tony:Exactly.