Louie Meets The Folks

Tony:Yeah, Rocky gave me a good fight. He deserves another shot.

Alex:Tony, Rocky knocked you out in the first round.

Tony:So what? He's still a good fighter.

Alex:Now he's telling people he can do it faster.

Tony:You know what I hate? Excuses. A man's gotta stand up, take what's comin' to him, no excuses.

Tony:But Rocky, he's got pneumonia. The guy can barely breathe. How'm I supposed to fight a guy with pneumonia?

Bobby:Dear Mr. Becker, I am your biggest fan. Could you send me a signed photo?

Bobby:I would also love to have a lock of your hair.

Bobby:And perhaps some of your used clothing.

Bobby:A fingernail clipping would be wonderful.

Bobby:And finally, could you send me the name and address of your mother?

Elaine:You want me to sign this? Do you have any idea how much it costs to ship a signed photo?

Bobby:No, how much?

Elaine:Forty-seven dollars! Forty-seven dollars! That's outrageous!

Jim:I saw your photo in Louie's office.

Zena:Really? How did it look?

Jim:Well, it had your eyes, but the rest was made up of different women's body parts.

Louie:I was trying to create the perfect woman!

Tony:Hey beautiful, how'd you like to come back to my place and help me sort through my record collection?

Alex:It's me, Tony.

Tony:I know.

Louie:Alex and Jim, they don't understand. When a woman says no, she doesn't always mean no.

Zena:No, Louie. I mean no.

Louie:I'm dying! I'm dying!

Zena:You're not dying, you're just being dramatic as usual.

Zena:That's it, Louie. I'm through with you. This relationship is over.

Louie:Zena, wait. Don't do this. I'll be good, I promise.

Zena:No, Louie. I've had it. I want someone who treats me with respect.

Louie:But baby, what about our little game? You know, where you're the angry dispatcher and I'm the desperate cabbie?

Louie:You need me, Zena. You're addicted to me.

Zena:Addicted? To you? That's ridiculous.

Louie:Think about it. I'm like a drug. A little bit makes you feel good, but you keep coming back for more.

Zena:The only thing you're addictive to is a strong stomach medication.

Jim:Yeah, it's a shame about Louie. The guy's got nobody.

Tony:Yeah, well, you want to deal or what? We're losing daylight here.

Jim:You know, Louie, I think your problem is that you're too caught up in material possessions and ego. What you need to do is center yourself, get in touch with your inner peace.

Louie:Jim, my wife left me.

Jim:See, that's the attachment talking. You're clinging to the illusion of permanence. Everything is impermanent, man. Like a river flowing—

Louie:She took the car and the kids!

Jim:You gotta let it go, brother. Release your expectations. The universe will provide what you truly need.

Jim:Now, Louie, I want you to close your eyes and clear your mind. We're going to achieve a state of perfect peace and tranquility.

Louie:Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just make it snappy.

Jim:Okay, now repeat after me. Ohhhhmmmmm...

Jim:Ohhhhmmmmm...

Louie:Ohhhhmmmmm...

Jim:Ohhhhmmmmm...

Louie:Ohhhhmmmmm...

Jim:Ohhhhmmmmm...

Jim:Well, I'd say that meditation session was a complete success. Louie's finally quiet.

Louie:What are you still doing here? You should've left hours ago.

Jim:I must've fallen asleep.

Louie:Well wake up, Sleeping Beauty. And if you're not out of here in two minutes, I'm gonna plug you into that socket over there and see if you conduct electricity.

Louie:Hey, look at Jim. He's completely omed out.

Louie:You wanna know why you gotta leave? Because I said so. This is a fire zone.

Louie:And if you don't get outta here, you're fired.

Louie:Come on, Alex. We're both human beings here. Have a little compassion.

Alex:Louie, I've seen you eat. You're not human.

Alex:Meet her parents? That's not a reward for you, that's a punishment for them.

Louie:You know, I've been thinking about settling down, getting married, having a family. I want to come home to a nice dinner, sit by the fireplace with my wife...

Alex:That's wonderful, Louie. That's real progress.

Louie:Yeah, and you know what the best part is? When I think about it, I don't feel nauseous anymore.

Louie:You know, I've been thinking about love, and I realized something beautiful. It's not about finding the perfect person, it's about appreciating the person you're with.

Alex:That's nice, Louie. Really touching. Now get back to work before the dispatcher fires us both.

Alex:Exterminator?

Louie:Minister.

Alex:That's worse than an exterminator?

Louie:Yeah, for me it is.

Louie:What do you call this relationship we have?

Alex:Employment.

Alex:Louie, I'm going to count to three, and by the time I reach three, I will have said no.

Alex:One...

Alex:Two...

Alex:My watch stopped.

Mrs. Sherman:Oh Louie, darling! How I've missed you!

Alex:Actually, Mrs. Sherman, it's me. Alex.

Mrs. Sherman:Alex? Oh my God!

Louie:Mrs. Sherman, you look absolutely radiant today. Why, you don't look a day over 60.

Mrs. Sherman:Louie, I'm 25.

Louie:Yeah, well, Zena's in the other room.

Alex:That's strike one, Louie.

Alex:Two more of those comments and you're out of here.

Louie:Say something classy.

Alex:It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear foolish than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mrs. Sherman:Is that Nathan coming in?

Nathan:Well, if it wasn't me coming in, it would be someone else coming in, or nobody coming in at all.

Louie:That's the funniest thing I've heard all week! You're killing me! Oh man, that's gold!

Nathan:I'm sorry I'm late.

Louie:Late? You're not late. You know what late is? Late is when Jesus showed up three days after he was supposed to be crucified. Now that's late!

Louie:My mother? She's like a TV set - half the time she's on the fritz, and the other half nobody knows what channel she's on.

Louie:So my mother, she's at the beauty parlor, right? And the beautician says to her...

Alex:Louie! Louie, wait. Hey, did you ever notice that fish on the wall? That's a beautiful fish.

Nathan:Why did the fish blush?

Alex:I don't know, why?

Nathan:Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

Alex:That joke was so bad, even the audience groaned before you finished the punchline.

Louie:My family's in the wine business.

Louie:We make it the old-fashioned way — with our feet.

Mrs. Sherman:I have terrible indigestion.

Louie:Yeah, well, you're gonna have worse problems in about twenty minutes.

Alex:Not the bass again!

Louie:I've had plenty of relationships. I've dated all kinds of women - short ones, tall ones, skinny ones, heavy ones.

Louie:The thing they all had in common? They all wanted money upfront.

Louie:Before I met Zena, the longest relationship I ever had was 30 minutes.

Louie:You know what I'm talking about, huh, padre?

Louie:Your daughter is a real tomato.

Zena's Father:What did you call her?

Louie:A tomato. You know, a real dish.

Zena's Mother:How dare you!

Zena:I told you he was trying to be romantic.

Louie:Wait a minute. You volunteered me? That's not volunteering. That's volun-telling!

Mrs. Sherman:Louie, I'd like to talk to you.

Louie:Oh, Mrs. Sherman! Finally! I've been waiting for this moment. Come here.

Mrs. Sherman:No, Louie, I just want to discuss—

Louie:Don't be shy. I know what you want to talk about.

Mrs. Sherman:You know, you shouldn't get too serious about things. Life is short, and you should enjoy yourself while you can.

Mrs. Sherman:But if you ever hurt my boy, I'll kill you.

Mrs. Sherman:You know, I've decided to have you killed.

Louie:What? You're gonna have me killed?

Mrs. Sherman:Yes. Do you have any suggestions on how I should do it?

Mrs. Sherman:You know, I've been reading about all these different ways people get murdered.

Louie:Yeah? Well, if you're looking to hire someone, they call that a 'contract killer.'

Mrs. Sherman:Contract killer? I thought that was someone who breaks their promises.

Louie:No, no. A contract killer is a professional. You pay 'em, they do the job.

Mrs. Sherman:Oh. What if you want someone who's a little less professional?

Louie:Then you call an amateur. We got a few of those driving cabs.

Mrs. Sherman:You know, I've been thinking about it. If I killed Louie, they'd probably give me life in prison. But you know what? It would be worth it.

Mrs. Sherman:Here's your coffee, Louie.

Louie:Wait, wait, wait. What is this?

Mrs. Sherman:It's coffee. What do you think?

Louie:No, no, no. I'm not drinking this. This doesn't look right.

Alex:What's wrong with it?

Louie:Wrong with it? Look at it! It's moving!

Mrs. Sherman:I'm going to kill you.

Louie:No! No! I don't want a goodbye kiss from your mother!

Louie:The last woman who kissed me goodbye, I ended up married to her for three years!

Zena:Well, I think that went very well! Everyone seemed to have a wonderful time.